A WEE HEDGESPARROW LARNS TEE FLY
Mickle McPee
Prologue
Settin’ - Our wee town in County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland, in the early 1960s.
One day, Maud McSweedelpipes decided tee go avisitin’ an owl mate and she dragged her son Geebee along with her. Now while she was hashin’ til this other owl doll, seven year owl Geebee got bored and wandered intil another room and, while snoopin’ around it, his eyes lit upon a piano. So he went over til it, opened the lid and then started pressin’ the kays and, while he was fiddlin’ about, a tune came intil his mind. Bejaysus, after a few stutters and stammers experimentin’ with the kays, the tune came til life. An incredible feelin’ off warmth entered Geebee’s soul, a feelin’ he had never experienced before. But then owl Maud came intil the room and tolt him tee quit bein’ such a clift and get his arse back intil the parlour. As he reluctantly left the room, he glanced back at the piano …. and a dream was born. Once back in the parlour, he had tee listen til them two owl dolls talkin’ a whole pile more shite until Maud’s jaw eventually got tired from all the hashin’ and she declared that it was time tee go home (thank God!).
Athough that had been Geebee’s first ever go on a piano, it was definitely not his last. Although there was no piano at home in owl Maud’s, there was the owl battered one in the church hall in our wee town and he spent many’s the long hour there poundin’ the kays. Aye, that owl piano gave him so many long hours of enjoyment until, unfortunately, the whoers spoiled it all one day by takin’ it away and smashin’ it intil shite. But every time Geebee came within touchin’ distance of a piano after that, he’d be on it in a flash and, within a lough of years, he had become a really proficient piano player. Aye, there was no doubt about it, Geebee was a real natural musician and, although he couldn’t read one note of music, he only had tee hear a tune once and bejaysus, he could play it by ear in next til no time .... and as sweetly as you’d ever hear it played anywhere.
Needless tee say, he was always in great demand for tee play at parties and functions and all other types of events. However, as the years passed by, people gradually stopped askin’ him tee play at their events for several raisons. Firstly, when he got up a bit in age, his love of drink unfortunately made him so desperate unreliable that he was forever lettin’ people down. On top of that, the drink often made him desperate volatile and bejaysus, if he was in bad form, he wasn’t never long in rarin’ up at people, which of course didn’t playse them. Another raison they stopped askin’ him tee play was because, as time went by, he grew tired of playin’ the same owl ‘come all yee’ tunes over and over again and wanted instead tee play his own compositions. Well nobody wanted tee hear his tunes and so they’d keep shoutin’ things leck ‘och for God’s sake Geebee, play us something we all know instead of that owl shite!’ So there came the time when Geebee gave up playin’ in public anymore. In fact, because there was no piano in owl Maud’s house, he more or less gave up piano playin’ completely. However, that didn’t stop him composin’ tunes in his head and, over the years, he built up quite a repertoire of them. But the way things was goin’ in his life, it didn’t ever seem leckly that anyone was ever gonna hear any of them. Aye, the time when the world would hear any of this songs seemed tee be a long, long way off indeed.
Settin’ - Our wee town in County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland, in the early 1960s.
One day, Maud McSweedelpipes decided tee go avisitin’ an owl mate and she dragged her son Geebee along with her. Now while she was hashin’ til this other owl doll, seven year owl Geebee got bored and wandered intil another room and, while snoopin’ around it, his eyes lit upon a piano. So he went over til it, opened the lid and then started pressin’ the kays and, while he was fiddlin’ about, a tune came intil his mind. Bejaysus, after a few stutters and stammers experimentin’ with the kays, the tune came til life. An incredible feelin’ off warmth entered Geebee’s soul, a feelin’ he had never experienced before. But then owl Maud came intil the room and tolt him tee quit bein’ such a clift and get his arse back intil the parlour. As he reluctantly left the room, he glanced back at the piano …. and a dream was born. Once back in the parlour, he had tee listen til them two owl dolls talkin’ a whole pile more shite until Maud’s jaw eventually got tired from all the hashin’ and she declared that it was time tee go home (thank God!).
Athough that had been Geebee’s first ever go on a piano, it was definitely not his last. Although there was no piano at home in owl Maud’s, there was the owl battered one in the church hall in our wee town and he spent many’s the long hour there poundin’ the kays. Aye, that owl piano gave him so many long hours of enjoyment until, unfortunately, the whoers spoiled it all one day by takin’ it away and smashin’ it intil shite. But every time Geebee came within touchin’ distance of a piano after that, he’d be on it in a flash and, within a lough of years, he had become a really proficient piano player. Aye, there was no doubt about it, Geebee was a real natural musician and, although he couldn’t read one note of music, he only had tee hear a tune once and bejaysus, he could play it by ear in next til no time .... and as sweetly as you’d ever hear it played anywhere.
Needless tee say, he was always in great demand for tee play at parties and functions and all other types of events. However, as the years passed by, people gradually stopped askin’ him tee play at their events for several raisons. Firstly, when he got up a bit in age, his love of drink unfortunately made him so desperate unreliable that he was forever lettin’ people down. On top of that, the drink often made him desperate volatile and bejaysus, if he was in bad form, he wasn’t never long in rarin’ up at people, which of course didn’t playse them. Another raison they stopped askin’ him tee play was because, as time went by, he grew tired of playin’ the same owl ‘come all yee’ tunes over and over again and wanted instead tee play his own compositions. Well nobody wanted tee hear his tunes and so they’d keep shoutin’ things leck ‘och for God’s sake Geebee, play us something we all know instead of that owl shite!’ So there came the time when Geebee gave up playin’ in public anymore. In fact, because there was no piano in owl Maud’s house, he more or less gave up piano playin’ completely. However, that didn’t stop him composin’ tunes in his head and, over the years, he built up quite a repertoire of them. But the way things was goin’ in his life, it didn’t ever seem leckly that anyone was ever gonna hear any of them. Aye, the time when the world would hear any of this songs seemed tee be a long, long way off indeed.
Chapter 1
It was Geebee’s twenty eighth birthday. So when he eventually emerged from his lair just before lunch time, he was asorta hopin’ that this Sunday was gonna be a wee bit different from the usual dreary Sundays he had tee endure in that house. But sure he should have known better! As soon as he got down the stairs, he could tell from the atmosphere about the place that it was definitely not gonna be no funday. For a start, although his ma Maud somehow managed tee force herself tee wish him a happy birthday, it was only through clenched teeth. But then he couldn’t really be all that surprised at her for bein’ a wee bit cowl towards him. After all, she had caught him givin’ her beloved pussy Cuddles a wee tip up the arse out of his road the day before. As for his da Thomas, he could tell from the snout on Maud, that she wasn’t none too happy with Geebee and, because he wasn’t no dozer, he decided it would be a very wise move on his part for tee folly her example and that’s why he more or less ignored Geebee for the rest of the whole damned day as well.
After they’d had their Sunday lunch in almost total silence, Geebee didn’t know what tee do with himself for the rest of the afternoon. Not only was there damn all on the TV, but he couldn’t get nowhere near the Sunday rag on account of his da hoggin’ it. In fact, his da was so totally immersed in some big article in the paper that it didn’t seem leck he was ever gonna let Geebee get a look at it for tee find out who was ridin’ who in the world. So he had no choice but tee sit back in his chair, seethin’ and inwardly cursin’ his da for bein’ such a mane, greedy, selfish, self-centred owl whoer for not hurryin’ up with the rag. He also kept movin’ about restlessly in his chair, sighin’, clickin’ his tongue and starin’ malevolently at his da in the rather forlorn hope that the owl gonch would eventually get the message and hand the paper over. But naw, his da was so engrossed in this here article that he didn’t notice none of Geebee’s carryin’-ons and he just went on ahead, concentratin’ on what he was readin’, slowly mouthin’ every single word over and over again and pickin’ his nose at the same time. Every now and again, he raised a haunch - as was his way after lunch every Sunday - and released something that was halfway between a silent but deadly and a low velocity rasper. Of course, every time he let one of these here things go, the mutt looked up all alarmed, because, generally spaykin’, if there was ever any guests avisitin’, the sound of such an emission would normally mane a black look, an “och Jaysus, yee dirty bastard, yee” and a kick up the arse.
Eventually Thomas sat back and folded the paper and my goodness, it really did look leck the silly owl eegit had actually finished and that at long last, it would be Geebee’s turn for tee get lookin’ at all the tits and bums and that. But when Geebee layned forward for tee get a holt of the paper, his da shook his head, got up and took the paper intil Maud in the kitchen for tee show her this here fascinatin’ article, whatever it was, layvin’ Geebee alone in the front room, gratin’ his teeth out of frustration. Now Geebee knew from previous experience, that his ma was worse than his da when it came til readin’ newspapers and, once she started, it would be hours before she’d be done.
Because he couldn’t think of nawthin’ better tee do, he decided tee go up and visit his owl mucker Sammy, not so much because he wanted tee see him or anything leck that, but because he was feelin’ a wee bit druthy and in need of a cure. So he was asorta half-hopin’ that Sammy would either have a lough of bottles in the fridge or some of that homebrew beer he made out in the garage. At the same time, Geebee didn’t feel all that optimistic about gettin’ a drop or two, because he knew from bitter experience that any hope of havin’ a lough of drinks would be totally out of the question if Sammy’s wife Madge was at home. Aye, although she didn’t mind the bowel Sammy havin’ the odd bottle or two durin’ the week, she didn’t allow no boozin’ at all, at all on a Sunday on account of her (and therefore him) bein’ so fierce religious. So he was quare and playsed when he got up til Sammy’s and found that bloody Madge wasn’t there and that Sammy was all on his lone. But then Sammy the whoer went and spoiled it all by tellin’ Geebee that he had not one single drop of booze about the place, which was a quare owl gunck til Geebee, let me tell yee. But Sammy did offer Geebee a cup of tay instead. Now what bloody use was that til him! So Geebee immediately made his excuses and left. A cup of tay indeed!
After that Geebee dandered about our wee town for a while, before standin’ on a street corner tee watch the cars goin’ up and down. But when he could stand the excitement of that no longer, he went home. Bejaysus, he was that relieved tee see that the Sunday rag was free at last that he pounced on it and ran up til his room before some other whoer could get a holt of it. Then, after spreadin’ it out on the bed, it suddenly dawned on him what had been intriguin’ his da so much, for there on the front page starin’ back at him was a big photie of Geebee’s uncle Edward and, accordin’ til the big black headlines, he was bein’ investigated in England for fraud and all sorts of other skulduggery.
Now, although Geebee had never met his uncle Edward - who was Thomas’s brother - and although it was an unwritten rule that his name never be mentioned in the house, Geebee had, nevertheless, heard the odd wee snippet about him here and there around our wee town. So he knew that when Edward had been a young man in his early twenties, he’d been a real wild man in every respect and that furthermore, he’d been a real ladies’ man besides, with a lough of weemen always in tow at the same time. But then, several months before Geebee was born, Edward had gone and fallen in love with a catholic girl called Bridget and, although Edward’s whole family, friends and neighbours had warned him not tee, he had gone and committed sacrilege by marryin’ her. Well of course, nearly everyone had turned agin Edward for bein’ a turncoat and a traitor and, as a result, him and Bridget had been left with no choice but tee layve the area and flee over til England.
Needless tee say, Edward was totally disowned by his family and relatives because he’d brought such shame upon them and that’s why his name was never mentioned in Maud’s house (and bejaysus, for a long time until she had got them all properly educated, if any of the neighbours was ever foolish enough tee mention Edward’s name in her presence, my god but Maud used tee take it real personal-leck, as a kind of a dig agin her, and she’d go clayne mad and batter them with whatever weapon was nearest til hand). However, the thing that really galled Maud and the rest of them was that bein’ forced tee flee til England turned out tee be the best thing that could possibly ever have happened til Edward, for within no time at all, he was makin’ an absolute fortune from daylin’ in gems, diamonds, gold and other precious metals.
Because Maud and Thomas and the others couldn’t forgive Edward for marryin’ a taig, they spurned all contact with him for quite a few years. However, because they was so desperate envious of his wealth, they wanted tee somehow get their hands on some of it. Then Maud came up with a wee plan that she seriously thought might bear fruit and, after proddin’ Thomas for a lough of weeks, she eventually managed tee persuade the wee whoer tee write Edward a letter, in which he tolt Edward that they all missed him and would love tee see him and that he would be very welcome indeed tee come and visit them whenever he lecked, just as long as Bridget didn’t come too. Well of course Edward wrote back and told Thomas tee go and fuck himself and he stayed put in England, becomin’ richer and richer and ignorin’ all his family completely.
Now before I go any further, there’s something I think I should explain about our Geebee. Although he was born and rared in our wee proddy town, he was very unusual in that he didn’t have the same inbred, deep-seated mistrust or disleck of catholics as what the vast majority of the other prods round our wee town had and, in fact, he had nothin’ agin the papes at all. However, he was cute enough tee realise that he could never reveal his true feelings about this, because he knew that if anyone ever suspected for one minute that he was a moderate, bejaysus they’d all turn agin him quicker than a cat could lick its arse. Aye, the attitude round our wee town was that yee was either with us or agin us and that bein’ a moderate and sittin’ on the fence would just not be tolerated. In fact, til the loyalists round there, anyone who was a moderate was a whole lot worse than bein’ a taig, because with a pape, yee at least always knew where yee where with them, but with a moderate, yee wouldn’t know what the hell they was thinkin’ or what they’d do if push came til shove. Aye, there’s no doubt about it, most locial prods thought that all moderates was treacherous and just could not be trusted, which is why it was often said that if the papes from the South ever invaded our beloved wee country, the first ones our boys would shoot would be the locial moderates, because that would stop the treacherous whoers from stabbin’ trueblue loyalists in the back and welcomin’ the fenians in with open arms. So although Geebee was definitely a moderate at heart, he always went til great lengths for tee make sure that nobody would ever suspect this and that’s why he was forever lettin’ on til all the boys that he was even more hard-line than what they was.
Although Geebee never gave his uncle Edward much thought at all, he wasn’t leck all the others who considered him tee be a no-good, useless, despicable bastard, who they wanted absolutely nawthin’ tee do with. But even so, he did enjoy readin’ this here article about him in the Sunday rag and all the allegations about smugglin’, money launderin’, fraud, wheeler-dealin’ and all sorts of other shady business. It seemed til Geebee that his uncle Edward was really in the soup and he could see why Maud and Thomas would be so desperate playsed, because as far as they was concerned, it was hell slap it up him, for it was all he deserved for marryin’ a fenian and for bein’ so damned rich at the same time!
It was Geebee’s twenty eighth birthday. So when he eventually emerged from his lair just before lunch time, he was asorta hopin’ that this Sunday was gonna be a wee bit different from the usual dreary Sundays he had tee endure in that house. But sure he should have known better! As soon as he got down the stairs, he could tell from the atmosphere about the place that it was definitely not gonna be no funday. For a start, although his ma Maud somehow managed tee force herself tee wish him a happy birthday, it was only through clenched teeth. But then he couldn’t really be all that surprised at her for bein’ a wee bit cowl towards him. After all, she had caught him givin’ her beloved pussy Cuddles a wee tip up the arse out of his road the day before. As for his da Thomas, he could tell from the snout on Maud, that she wasn’t none too happy with Geebee and, because he wasn’t no dozer, he decided it would be a very wise move on his part for tee folly her example and that’s why he more or less ignored Geebee for the rest of the whole damned day as well.
After they’d had their Sunday lunch in almost total silence, Geebee didn’t know what tee do with himself for the rest of the afternoon. Not only was there damn all on the TV, but he couldn’t get nowhere near the Sunday rag on account of his da hoggin’ it. In fact, his da was so totally immersed in some big article in the paper that it didn’t seem leck he was ever gonna let Geebee get a look at it for tee find out who was ridin’ who in the world. So he had no choice but tee sit back in his chair, seethin’ and inwardly cursin’ his da for bein’ such a mane, greedy, selfish, self-centred owl whoer for not hurryin’ up with the rag. He also kept movin’ about restlessly in his chair, sighin’, clickin’ his tongue and starin’ malevolently at his da in the rather forlorn hope that the owl gonch would eventually get the message and hand the paper over. But naw, his da was so engrossed in this here article that he didn’t notice none of Geebee’s carryin’-ons and he just went on ahead, concentratin’ on what he was readin’, slowly mouthin’ every single word over and over again and pickin’ his nose at the same time. Every now and again, he raised a haunch - as was his way after lunch every Sunday - and released something that was halfway between a silent but deadly and a low velocity rasper. Of course, every time he let one of these here things go, the mutt looked up all alarmed, because, generally spaykin’, if there was ever any guests avisitin’, the sound of such an emission would normally mane a black look, an “och Jaysus, yee dirty bastard, yee” and a kick up the arse.
Eventually Thomas sat back and folded the paper and my goodness, it really did look leck the silly owl eegit had actually finished and that at long last, it would be Geebee’s turn for tee get lookin’ at all the tits and bums and that. But when Geebee layned forward for tee get a holt of the paper, his da shook his head, got up and took the paper intil Maud in the kitchen for tee show her this here fascinatin’ article, whatever it was, layvin’ Geebee alone in the front room, gratin’ his teeth out of frustration. Now Geebee knew from previous experience, that his ma was worse than his da when it came til readin’ newspapers and, once she started, it would be hours before she’d be done.
Because he couldn’t think of nawthin’ better tee do, he decided tee go up and visit his owl mucker Sammy, not so much because he wanted tee see him or anything leck that, but because he was feelin’ a wee bit druthy and in need of a cure. So he was asorta half-hopin’ that Sammy would either have a lough of bottles in the fridge or some of that homebrew beer he made out in the garage. At the same time, Geebee didn’t feel all that optimistic about gettin’ a drop or two, because he knew from bitter experience that any hope of havin’ a lough of drinks would be totally out of the question if Sammy’s wife Madge was at home. Aye, although she didn’t mind the bowel Sammy havin’ the odd bottle or two durin’ the week, she didn’t allow no boozin’ at all, at all on a Sunday on account of her (and therefore him) bein’ so fierce religious. So he was quare and playsed when he got up til Sammy’s and found that bloody Madge wasn’t there and that Sammy was all on his lone. But then Sammy the whoer went and spoiled it all by tellin’ Geebee that he had not one single drop of booze about the place, which was a quare owl gunck til Geebee, let me tell yee. But Sammy did offer Geebee a cup of tay instead. Now what bloody use was that til him! So Geebee immediately made his excuses and left. A cup of tay indeed!
After that Geebee dandered about our wee town for a while, before standin’ on a street corner tee watch the cars goin’ up and down. But when he could stand the excitement of that no longer, he went home. Bejaysus, he was that relieved tee see that the Sunday rag was free at last that he pounced on it and ran up til his room before some other whoer could get a holt of it. Then, after spreadin’ it out on the bed, it suddenly dawned on him what had been intriguin’ his da so much, for there on the front page starin’ back at him was a big photie of Geebee’s uncle Edward and, accordin’ til the big black headlines, he was bein’ investigated in England for fraud and all sorts of other skulduggery.
Now, although Geebee had never met his uncle Edward - who was Thomas’s brother - and although it was an unwritten rule that his name never be mentioned in the house, Geebee had, nevertheless, heard the odd wee snippet about him here and there around our wee town. So he knew that when Edward had been a young man in his early twenties, he’d been a real wild man in every respect and that furthermore, he’d been a real ladies’ man besides, with a lough of weemen always in tow at the same time. But then, several months before Geebee was born, Edward had gone and fallen in love with a catholic girl called Bridget and, although Edward’s whole family, friends and neighbours had warned him not tee, he had gone and committed sacrilege by marryin’ her. Well of course, nearly everyone had turned agin Edward for bein’ a turncoat and a traitor and, as a result, him and Bridget had been left with no choice but tee layve the area and flee over til England.
Needless tee say, Edward was totally disowned by his family and relatives because he’d brought such shame upon them and that’s why his name was never mentioned in Maud’s house (and bejaysus, for a long time until she had got them all properly educated, if any of the neighbours was ever foolish enough tee mention Edward’s name in her presence, my god but Maud used tee take it real personal-leck, as a kind of a dig agin her, and she’d go clayne mad and batter them with whatever weapon was nearest til hand). However, the thing that really galled Maud and the rest of them was that bein’ forced tee flee til England turned out tee be the best thing that could possibly ever have happened til Edward, for within no time at all, he was makin’ an absolute fortune from daylin’ in gems, diamonds, gold and other precious metals.
Because Maud and Thomas and the others couldn’t forgive Edward for marryin’ a taig, they spurned all contact with him for quite a few years. However, because they was so desperate envious of his wealth, they wanted tee somehow get their hands on some of it. Then Maud came up with a wee plan that she seriously thought might bear fruit and, after proddin’ Thomas for a lough of weeks, she eventually managed tee persuade the wee whoer tee write Edward a letter, in which he tolt Edward that they all missed him and would love tee see him and that he would be very welcome indeed tee come and visit them whenever he lecked, just as long as Bridget didn’t come too. Well of course Edward wrote back and told Thomas tee go and fuck himself and he stayed put in England, becomin’ richer and richer and ignorin’ all his family completely.
Now before I go any further, there’s something I think I should explain about our Geebee. Although he was born and rared in our wee proddy town, he was very unusual in that he didn’t have the same inbred, deep-seated mistrust or disleck of catholics as what the vast majority of the other prods round our wee town had and, in fact, he had nothin’ agin the papes at all. However, he was cute enough tee realise that he could never reveal his true feelings about this, because he knew that if anyone ever suspected for one minute that he was a moderate, bejaysus they’d all turn agin him quicker than a cat could lick its arse. Aye, the attitude round our wee town was that yee was either with us or agin us and that bein’ a moderate and sittin’ on the fence would just not be tolerated. In fact, til the loyalists round there, anyone who was a moderate was a whole lot worse than bein’ a taig, because with a pape, yee at least always knew where yee where with them, but with a moderate, yee wouldn’t know what the hell they was thinkin’ or what they’d do if push came til shove. Aye, there’s no doubt about it, most locial prods thought that all moderates was treacherous and just could not be trusted, which is why it was often said that if the papes from the South ever invaded our beloved wee country, the first ones our boys would shoot would be the locial moderates, because that would stop the treacherous whoers from stabbin’ trueblue loyalists in the back and welcomin’ the fenians in with open arms. So although Geebee was definitely a moderate at heart, he always went til great lengths for tee make sure that nobody would ever suspect this and that’s why he was forever lettin’ on til all the boys that he was even more hard-line than what they was.
Although Geebee never gave his uncle Edward much thought at all, he wasn’t leck all the others who considered him tee be a no-good, useless, despicable bastard, who they wanted absolutely nawthin’ tee do with. But even so, he did enjoy readin’ this here article about him in the Sunday rag and all the allegations about smugglin’, money launderin’, fraud, wheeler-dealin’ and all sorts of other shady business. It seemed til Geebee that his uncle Edward was really in the soup and he could see why Maud and Thomas would be so desperate playsed, because as far as they was concerned, it was hell slap it up him, for it was all he deserved for marryin’ a fenian and for bein’ so damned rich at the same time!
Chapter 2
Later when he went til his bed, Geebee felt so tired that he was sure he’d sleep leck a top. But he was wrong and he slept hardly a wink, tossin’ and turnin’ the whole night. Although he couldn’t quite work it out, there was something about uncle Edward’s plight that was unsettlin’ him, something that kept makin’ him think about certain mysterious things in his own life, things that had been puzzlin’ him for years and which he had never been able tee resolve.
But before I go any further, I think I should perhaps explain a few more wee things about our Geebee. For a start, his real mother was not Maud at all, but her sister Alice, who had made the ghasly mistake of fallin’ for and marryin’ an older man called Winston. There was two raisons why she’d married him. Firstly, she had always been drawn til older men. But secondly, and probably more importantly, he had led her tee believe that he was a very wealthy man and that she would be able tee live in comfort and luxury for the rest of her days. However, it wasn’t long until she realised that she had been conned and that he actually had damn-all except a pile of debts. Well anyway, shortly after Geebee was born, Alice came along one day and asked Maud tee “look after Geebee for a lough of days” as she had “important business tee attend til up the country”. Although Maud wasn’t at all that keen, she reluctantly agreed. But unfortunately, Alice never returned and apparently nobody ever heard from her again. In fact, it was almost as if she had disappeared off the face of the earth.
Now Alice’s disappearance put Maud and Thomas in a desperate owl pickle. Yee see, Maud knew from what Alice had tolt her, that the marriage had never been consummated on account of Alice not ever bein’ able tee let that dirty, smelly divil Winston anywhere near her. This of course meant that Geebee was not actually Winston’s son and, as a result, Winston definitely didn’t have no interest at all in lookin’ after him. So Maud and Thomas had been left with no real choice but tee look after Geebee and although they’d seen til all his physical needs with the aid of the monthly allowance they’d received for him, life had been so hard them days, that they’d resented his presence in the home and havin’ this here extra mouth tee feed.
It was a resentment that Geebee had been aware of for the most of his youth, but which he’d never understood until there came that day at school, when it had dawned on him for the very first time, that there was only five months age difference between him and his nearest sibling. Now when he’d gone home and asked Maud and Thomas about it, they’d decided that it was perhaps time for some kind of an explanation. Well, after Maud had tolt Geebee about Alice and how really he was nothin’ more than a wee hedge sparrow, he began tee feel fierce insecure, for he knew he wasn’t really wanted round the place and never had been and that furthermore, he’d always have tee watch his step or else he’d be shown the doer. But what made things worse was the fact that Maud no longer felt obliged tee hide her resentment towards him and, as the years went by, and the other members of the family all left the nest one by one, this resentment became more and more pronounced and in fact, it had got so bad of late, that they was now hardly spaykin’ til each other.
But with regard til the mystery of Geebee’s father, although everyone steadfastly declared that they didn’t have no clue whatsoever as til who he really was, Geebee’s instinct tolt him that Maud knew fine well. However, although he used tee tackle her about it from time til time, Maud would never say a word. But he had heard the odd wee snippet outside the family home that used tee make him wonder. For example, he’d heard it said that even though she was married til owl Winston, Alice had secretly been one of uncle Edward’s girlfriends before he got married til Bridget five months before Geebee’s birth. So there was some suspicion that his real da could perhaps be uncle Edward. But this was a thought he always put immediately out of his mind. I mane, what would all his mates say if it turned out that he was the son of a prod who’d married a fenian!
Well, as what always happens when you’re sufferin’ from insomnia, Geebee fell asleep about five minutes before he was due tee get up. So he wasn’t in the best of good humour when the owl alarm clock went off. However, when he arrived in at work down at the post office and heard that that owl whoer Atchie had kicked the bucket durin’ the night, well that made him as playsed as punch and he got stuck intil sortin’ out his letters, as happy as a wee pig in shite, because there’s nothin’ leck a good death for tee liven things up round our wee town. But then the postmaster - that fat, miserable, wee whoer Stubby - came in and sorta spoiled things by snarlin’ in Geebee’s ear in a most alarmin’ and ominous tone of voice that he wanted a “wee chat” with him as soon as he got back from deliverin’ his letters.
When Stubby left the room and went on about his business, Geebee groaned, for he knew that this here “wee chat” was just gonna be another load of the usual owl bollocks, with Stubby whinin’ and whingin’ on about how badly he was doin’ his job and how he’d have tee pull his socks up and this, that and the other owl shite. But til Geebee’s way of thinkin’, although Stubby was the postmaster and although he’d done Thomas a big favour by usin’ all his influence for tee get Geebee this here postman job on account of the two of them bein’ such good chums in the Orange Order, it didn’t mane that Geebee had tee lick the owl whoer’s arse, or that he was his slave, or that the miserable owl get could order him about, or tell him what tee do. Bejaysus, Geebee suddenly got that mad thinkin’ about it that he damned nearly went after Stubby for tee tell him there and then that he could stick the job up his arse.
But later, when he was out on the road deliverin’ his letters, Geebee was glad he hadn’t tolt Stubby tee stick his job. After all, it was a steady job (a rare thing round our wee town) with regular pay and it was also the best of good crack most of the time. Furthermore, it was often fierce interestin’ and you could larn a great deal of fascinatin’ news when you was out and about the roads. Aye, some of the stories yee heard was real gems. So it really was the ideal job for a gossip leck Geebee. However, it was of course leck any other job and it did have its odd wee drawbacks. For example, Geebee wasn’t all that keen on gettin’ up so early every mornin’, especially when it was cowl outside, or he had a desperate bad hangover. But then again, he couldn’t really complain too much, for it was usually never too long until the fresh air, fresh chat and a few cups of fresh tay out on the road soon cured him. On top of that, when he was out on his rounds deliverin’ the letters, he was as free as a bird and didn’t have that miserable owl bastard Stubby breathin’ down his neck all the time.
The long and the short of it was that Geebee could more or less do whatever the hell he lecked when he was out on the road. Aye, and there was even days he never did more than a quarter of his round. It all depended on how he felt and what sort of a cure he needed and so on. So some days, he’d do nearly damn-all and, if anyone was expectin’ a letter urgently, they’d just have tee wait an extra day or so for tee get it. Now, although this sort of practice wasn’t legit, Geebee didn’t really have no conscience about it, because the way he looked at it, the most of his clients was farmers who never got no mail worth talkin’ about. I mane, it was generally nawthin’ but owl advertisements, or junk mail, or farmers’ journals, or some owl shite leck that, which half them clifts wasn’t fit tee read anyway. As for them other owl whoers who lived across mucky fields and watery bogs away out in the back of beyond, they often never got more than one delivery a week from Geebee. I mane, he wasn’t gonna tee get soakin’ wet deliverin’ them letters they probably couldn’t even read and only used as fire-paper or for wipin’ their arses. Anyway, a lot of them didn’t deserve any better, for they was contrary owl bastards. Jaysus, many’s the time Geebee had seen the milkman go across half the bogs in Ireland and half-way up the mountain, and arrive up at a cottage pantin’ and half-deed from heavin’ and haulin’ a crate full of milk, only tee find a note in an empty bottle sayin’ ‘No milk today’! But anyway, if after deliverin’ a lough of letters, Geebee decided that he’d done enough for one day, he’d go intil a pub for a few bottles until it was time for tee show his face back at the post office, throw in his bag in and then fuck off home. Aye, it really did suit Geebee tee have a job that let him spend so much time in the pubs, especially when he was in dire need of a cure.
But tee get back til the story, as Geebee dandered about the roads, he couldn’t help wonderin’ what the hell was nettlin’ owl Stubby this time and what bloody complaint he’d received now. Geebee knew from the cut of Stubby earlier on, that this here “wee chat” was gonna be a lot more serious than the usual load of owl shite. So when he got back til the post office and found out that Stubby had slipped on some dog shite outside on the pavement and near broke his arse, and that he’d probably be off sick for a lough of days, Geebee was real playsed, for he knew that he had a wee bit more time for tee plan his strategy on how he was gonna handle Stubby when the owl whoer eventually got round til tacklin’ him. Now Geebee’s first inclination had been tee remind Stubby - before he got too purple in the face or had lathered up too much froth about the chops - that his da Thomas was the leader of our wee town’s Orange Order flute band and, that if he took huff and left the band on account of Stubby bein’ a whoer til Geebee, then the band would be right up shit-street, let there be no doubt about that at all. However, after a wee bit of thought, it dawned on Geebee that maybe this wee plan mightn’t work too well at all. After all, he knew that Stubby was well aware of the fact that Thomas also considered Geebee tee be nawthin’ but a no-good, useless whoer and that he’d probably therefore take Stubby’s side if he sacked him. But not only that, Geebee was sure Thomas would also probably say til Geebee “hell slap it up yee, yee useless wee whoer, yee!” So when Geebee went home, he knew he’d have tee think up some better plan.
Well, despite his intention tee think out a good plan for scupperin’ the bowel Stubby, Geebee didn’t get round til givin’ it much thought because for some strange raison, he couldn’t quit thinkin’ about his uncle Edward. Now, although neither uncle Edward’s name nor his predicament was ever mentioned in the house, Geebee would loved tee have had someone tee talk til about him, for he was just dyin’ tee find out more about him and what was happenin’ til him. He of course kept a very close eye on the daily newspapers, but there was damn the thing about uncle Edward in any of them and, as the week progressed, Geebee realised he’d probably have tee be patient and wait till the follyin’ weekend’s Sunday rag, for tee find out more. In the manetime, there was other things tee distract him, things leck Atchie’s wake.
Chapter 3
Atchie’s wake, what a bloody night that was! All the locials who knew Atchie went along til it, includin’ Geebee, who turned up at around about nine. Plenty of people had already arrived by then and they’d brought a whole load of drink along with them, which was dead on and suited Geebee just fine, for there is nawthin’ worse than a ‘dry’ wake. Geebee wandered intil the packed parlour and shook the widow woman’s hand and tolt her how sorry he was and how he’d miss Atchie and what a great man he’d been and all the rest of the usual sickly owl shite that one comes out with at do’s leck this. Although the poor woman was weepin’ buckets, Geebee wasn’t quite sure if it was from grief or happiness. After all, Atchie had been a bit of a bastard til her a lot of the time, especially of a Saturday night, when he’d go home after the pubs shut and bate the shite out of her without fail, week in, week out, for many’s the long year.
Well anyway, Geebee decided that he’d take a wee look at owl Atchie. So he sauntered over til the coffin. Jaysus, Atchie looked an awful sight, especially as they hadn’t been fit tee close his eyes right and so there he was, lyin’ in the box, starin’ up at the ceilin’. In fact, you’d have swore that he wasn’t deed at all, but was just lyin’ there deed drunk. But deed he was and that was that. Now as Geebee was lookin’ at him, it crossed his mind that it was probably very leckly that Atchie had probably been as full as a shuck when he’d croaked it, for bejaysus he’d been one hell of a boozer, let there be no doubt about that at all. Geebee smiled inwardly. Poor owl Atchie, as if the fires of hell wasn’t gonna be bad enough for him without him havin’ a desperate hangover down there as well.
Now there’s always some owl bores at these do’s and that night was no exception. Jaysus, they started dronin’ on about how good a man Atchie had been and all that sort of owl shite. But no matter what bull-shite they came out with, Geebee nodded in agreement for appearance’s sake. However, it was when they started givin’ him glass after glass of whisky and bottle after bottle of beer that he started noddin’ better. Jaysus, it was great, for there seemed tee be an endless supply of whisky, beer and stout. Bejaysus, Geebee must have raised his glass and drank til Atchie at least one hundred times before the night was through.
Well anyway, the old bores’ jaws eventually got tired and the young’uns took over. Jaysus, they told jokes, chatted and laughed their heads off. Because there was a shortage of chairs, some of the boys sat on the edge of the coffin. Then someone produced a guitar (and if there’d been a piano there, Geebee would have joined in) and they all started singin’ good proddy songs. The booze kept comin’ and before long, they was all staggerin’ about havin’ a great time. Then some eegit went and sent the whole contents of his whisky glass swishin’ round the dead man’s face. Geebee was more than half-tight by then, but he later told me that he swore he saw owl Atchie curlin’ his tongue out of the corner of his mouth and lickin’ up a couple of drops.
Things was really swingin’ by midnight, the crack was great and the night was still young. But Geebee’s mate Herby was gettin’ asorta desperate because he had no fegs left and the miserable whoers had started gettin’ very slow at offerin’ them around. So when nobody was lookin’, he put his hand intil the coffin and lifted the cigarette tobacco and papers that the widow had put in with owl Atchie. Now most people would have taken a very dim view of that kinda action, but Herby told Geebee later that he fully intended givin’ the tobacco back til Atchie when he saw him next - in hell!
As the night wore on, Geebee began tee notice that owl eegit Bunty trippin’ about after the widow woman and slabberin’ about her. Geebee could tell from the stupid look on Bunty’s face that he was wonderin’ whether or not the widow woman would be interested in gettin’ herself a new man, seein’ now that owl Atchie was gone. Now any half-sensible man would have realised that it was obviously far too early and that people leck him would just have tee be patient and wait at least until owl Atchie had been put under the sod before they made any move towards her. But the bowel Bunty was as thick as shite and he had no wit about etiquette and although Geebee could probably have tried tee put him right, he knew Bunty wouldn’t have paid no attention til him, because the eegit couldn’t think straight on account of him bein’ so afeared that some other whoer was gonna bate him til her. So Geebee just let him go on ahead and waited for the explosion. Well anyway, some time later the widow woman went intil the kitchen and of course Bunty follyed her in for tee tackle her, which was when she showed him just how interested she was in him. Man, she drew back her foot and gave him an almighty kick in the ballocks. My God, yee should have heard the yelp out of Bunty. Needless tee say, Bunty sorta lost interest in the widow woman after that and away off home he slouched, bent over, totally dejected, groanin’ and gingerly holdin’ his crotch.
But tee get back til the wake, although the guitar playin’ was great, Geebee decided that what was required was a bit of drummin’ for tee keep up the bate and that’s when it crossed his mind for tee ask the widow woman for a couple of large spoons for tee use as drum sticks on owl Atchie’s skull, which he thought would be a suitable drum seein’ as there’d obviously never been much in there when he’d been alive and that therefore, he’d be bound to get a good sort of drummin’ sound out of it. But then Geebee decided that maybe the widow woman wouldn’t take too kindly til this here idea and instead he started drummin’ on the table with his fingers.
My god, as it got later and later, the racket became an absolute terra. Everyone was chattin’ and laughin’, roarin’ and singin’ and even though the cigarette smoke was damned nearly chokin’ them, they didn’t give a fiddler’s fuck because they was all as high as kites. But then some whoer sorta spoiled it all by fallin’ over the coffin and tossin’ owl Atchie out on his arse. The widow woman got akinda nettled at this and kicked this eegit up the backside. Well he was that ignorant a clift that he made tee grab her by the throat. But a couple of the boys managed tee hold him back while the rest of them tried tee rescue the situation by slingin’ Atchie back intil the box. However, that didn’t work too well, because unfortunately he landed back in the coffin face down and with his arse up in the air.
Well, the atmosphere was akinda ruined after that. But by then nobody really cared all that much for the whisky, beer and stout was nearly all done. So they upped and awayed and went homewards contented. After all, they’d all had a great night’s valyay and knew that there was piles more drinkin’ tee be done yit over the next couple of days. Aye, round our wee town, we never took our caps off and mourned when people died. Only when they got married.
Atchie’s wake, what a bloody night that was! All the locials who knew Atchie went along til it, includin’ Geebee, who turned up at around about nine. Plenty of people had already arrived by then and they’d brought a whole load of drink along with them, which was dead on and suited Geebee just fine, for there is nawthin’ worse than a ‘dry’ wake. Geebee wandered intil the packed parlour and shook the widow woman’s hand and tolt her how sorry he was and how he’d miss Atchie and what a great man he’d been and all the rest of the usual sickly owl shite that one comes out with at do’s leck this. Although the poor woman was weepin’ buckets, Geebee wasn’t quite sure if it was from grief or happiness. After all, Atchie had been a bit of a bastard til her a lot of the time, especially of a Saturday night, when he’d go home after the pubs shut and bate the shite out of her without fail, week in, week out, for many’s the long year.
Well anyway, Geebee decided that he’d take a wee look at owl Atchie. So he sauntered over til the coffin. Jaysus, Atchie looked an awful sight, especially as they hadn’t been fit tee close his eyes right and so there he was, lyin’ in the box, starin’ up at the ceilin’. In fact, you’d have swore that he wasn’t deed at all, but was just lyin’ there deed drunk. But deed he was and that was that. Now as Geebee was lookin’ at him, it crossed his mind that it was probably very leckly that Atchie had probably been as full as a shuck when he’d croaked it, for bejaysus he’d been one hell of a boozer, let there be no doubt about that at all. Geebee smiled inwardly. Poor owl Atchie, as if the fires of hell wasn’t gonna be bad enough for him without him havin’ a desperate hangover down there as well.
Now there’s always some owl bores at these do’s and that night was no exception. Jaysus, they started dronin’ on about how good a man Atchie had been and all that sort of owl shite. But no matter what bull-shite they came out with, Geebee nodded in agreement for appearance’s sake. However, it was when they started givin’ him glass after glass of whisky and bottle after bottle of beer that he started noddin’ better. Jaysus, it was great, for there seemed tee be an endless supply of whisky, beer and stout. Bejaysus, Geebee must have raised his glass and drank til Atchie at least one hundred times before the night was through.
Well anyway, the old bores’ jaws eventually got tired and the young’uns took over. Jaysus, they told jokes, chatted and laughed their heads off. Because there was a shortage of chairs, some of the boys sat on the edge of the coffin. Then someone produced a guitar (and if there’d been a piano there, Geebee would have joined in) and they all started singin’ good proddy songs. The booze kept comin’ and before long, they was all staggerin’ about havin’ a great time. Then some eegit went and sent the whole contents of his whisky glass swishin’ round the dead man’s face. Geebee was more than half-tight by then, but he later told me that he swore he saw owl Atchie curlin’ his tongue out of the corner of his mouth and lickin’ up a couple of drops.
Things was really swingin’ by midnight, the crack was great and the night was still young. But Geebee’s mate Herby was gettin’ asorta desperate because he had no fegs left and the miserable whoers had started gettin’ very slow at offerin’ them around. So when nobody was lookin’, he put his hand intil the coffin and lifted the cigarette tobacco and papers that the widow had put in with owl Atchie. Now most people would have taken a very dim view of that kinda action, but Herby told Geebee later that he fully intended givin’ the tobacco back til Atchie when he saw him next - in hell!
As the night wore on, Geebee began tee notice that owl eegit Bunty trippin’ about after the widow woman and slabberin’ about her. Geebee could tell from the stupid look on Bunty’s face that he was wonderin’ whether or not the widow woman would be interested in gettin’ herself a new man, seein’ now that owl Atchie was gone. Now any half-sensible man would have realised that it was obviously far too early and that people leck him would just have tee be patient and wait at least until owl Atchie had been put under the sod before they made any move towards her. But the bowel Bunty was as thick as shite and he had no wit about etiquette and although Geebee could probably have tried tee put him right, he knew Bunty wouldn’t have paid no attention til him, because the eegit couldn’t think straight on account of him bein’ so afeared that some other whoer was gonna bate him til her. So Geebee just let him go on ahead and waited for the explosion. Well anyway, some time later the widow woman went intil the kitchen and of course Bunty follyed her in for tee tackle her, which was when she showed him just how interested she was in him. Man, she drew back her foot and gave him an almighty kick in the ballocks. My God, yee should have heard the yelp out of Bunty. Needless tee say, Bunty sorta lost interest in the widow woman after that and away off home he slouched, bent over, totally dejected, groanin’ and gingerly holdin’ his crotch.
But tee get back til the wake, although the guitar playin’ was great, Geebee decided that what was required was a bit of drummin’ for tee keep up the bate and that’s when it crossed his mind for tee ask the widow woman for a couple of large spoons for tee use as drum sticks on owl Atchie’s skull, which he thought would be a suitable drum seein’ as there’d obviously never been much in there when he’d been alive and that therefore, he’d be bound to get a good sort of drummin’ sound out of it. But then Geebee decided that maybe the widow woman wouldn’t take too kindly til this here idea and instead he started drummin’ on the table with his fingers.
My god, as it got later and later, the racket became an absolute terra. Everyone was chattin’ and laughin’, roarin’ and singin’ and even though the cigarette smoke was damned nearly chokin’ them, they didn’t give a fiddler’s fuck because they was all as high as kites. But then some whoer sorta spoiled it all by fallin’ over the coffin and tossin’ owl Atchie out on his arse. The widow woman got akinda nettled at this and kicked this eegit up the backside. Well he was that ignorant a clift that he made tee grab her by the throat. But a couple of the boys managed tee hold him back while the rest of them tried tee rescue the situation by slingin’ Atchie back intil the box. However, that didn’t work too well, because unfortunately he landed back in the coffin face down and with his arse up in the air.
Well, the atmosphere was akinda ruined after that. But by then nobody really cared all that much for the whisky, beer and stout was nearly all done. So they upped and awayed and went homewards contented. After all, they’d all had a great night’s valyay and knew that there was piles more drinkin’ tee be done yit over the next couple of days. Aye, round our wee town, we never took our caps off and mourned when people died. Only when they got married.
Chapter 4
Now it’s a good man that sings at night, but a better man that sings in the mornin’. Well Geebee mustn’t have been much of a man for he wasn’t singin’ at all the next mornin’. My goodness, what a desperate hangover he had! As per usual, it was still dark when he woke up and of course, he didn’t feel a bit leck gettin’ up tee face the world, especially as he could tell it was asorta cowl and wet outside. But one of the prices he had tee pay for livin’ with Maud and Thomas was that he more or less had tee do things by their rules. He therefore knew he had no choice but tee get up, because there was no way that maggoty owl Maud would let him lie on in and miss a day’s work. So he quietly let out a string of curses, jumped out of bed on this cowl spring mornin’, splashed his face and armpits with a few drops of icy water and then pulled on his clothes, as quick as a cat could lick its ear.
When Geebee got downstairs, he was real playsed for tee find that neither Maud nor Thomas was up and about, because the last thing he wanted tee talk about was owl Atchie’s wake. I mane not only was his brainbox not workin’ right yit, but a lot of what had happened at the wake and on the way home was all a wee bit of a blur til him and he knew he couldn’t remember the sort of fine detail about the wake that Maud would be interested in. So he grabbed a hunk of bread and butter, drank a mug of milk and left the house tout suite for tee avoid the possibility of any interrogation and headed off down towards the post office.
On the way down the road however, he began tee remember some of the divilment that he’d got up til on the way back from the wake and it started tee make him feel a wee bit nervous about whether reports of his behaviour would filter back til Maud durin’ the day, because if they did, it’d mane that he’d be back in the doghouse - yit again! However, he soon cheered up when he arrived in at the post office and found that Stubby was still off sick. So he had a couple of big mugs of sweet tay and a good look through the papers for any mention of uncle Edward before he even started thinkin’ about sortin’ out the letters.
When he eventually did manage tee get himself out on the road, he had such a desperate druth on him and was in such dire need of a damned good cure that he soon decided that he wasn’t gonna deliver too many letters that day. At the same time, he felt desperate frustrated because knew he couldn’t really make a beeline for the pub before lunchtime, not while he had his uniform on, for he knew that if he did, then word would be bound tee get back til Stubby. Now this was something he definitely didn’t want tee happen, because his instinct was tellin’ him that he really was in big trouble this time with Stubby and that it’d be very unwise for tee get intil any more. Furthermore, he’d been feelin’ that mad in the head from one thing and another over the last lough of days that he knew from experience that if he got stuck intil the booze too early in the day, it could all so easily get completely out of hand.
Aye, the trouble with Geebee havin’ a stinkin’ hangover was that he always felt this desperate compulsion tee go intil a pub as soon as they opened for a cure for tee steady himself up and make him feel better. But the sneg was that these here cures often turned out tee be worse than the original disease. Jaysus, how many times had he gone intil pubs with the best of intentions, totally determined tee have “just the one” or “maybe two”, but then after he’d got the taste for it, stayed on boozin’ the whole day, right up till closin’ time, before staggerin’ home, pissed yet again and dreadin’ the even worse hangover he knew he’d have the next day. Memories of all those previous awful times, when he’d got up durin’ the silent night and pissed and puked up intil the sink and then sat on the edge of the bed smokin’ fegs that always made him cough and feel even sicker and sayin’ til himself over and over “never again, never again”. But sure the “never again, never again” never lasted too long and by the time mornin’ would eventually arrive, he’d be longin’ tee get down til the pub again for “just the one” or “maybe two”, despite the fact that he knew at the back of his mind that this “just the one” or “maybe two” would inevitably give him the uncontrollable taste for another big slap of drink yit again and then the same owl thing would happen all over again. Aye, over the years, he’d had so many binges leck that and many’s the time they’d gone on and on and on, day after day, for ages, until at last the money had run out, or else he’d managed tee dredge up a wee titter of wit from somewhere and quit.
Geebee often used tee tell me that he wished he wasn’t so fond of the booze, for he had this terrible fear that someday he’d end up a down and out, without any hopes or dreams and with nawthin’ but empty bottles beside him. He told me about that wine-o he saw one day on a family trip down til the salty sea, sittin’ in a shilter drinkin’ himself intil oblivion on chaype sherry, his feet swimmin’ in a puddle of piss and, it had crossed his mind, when he was gawkin’ at this here boyo, that probably some early mornin’, many years before, in the maternity wing of some hospital somewhere, a nurse had held this here wine-o up as he’d wailed his first wails and showed him til his proud ma and said “it’s a bonny boy”. Aye, on that day at least, he’d been his mother’s pride and joy.
Well anyway, it was desperate dukin’ about until midday arrived and Geebee felt it was safe enough for tee go intil a pub for a cure. It was so nice in there in the lovely warm bar, sittin’ near the fire, mindin’ his own business (for a change) and suppin’ a stout and, as per usual and within no time at all, he began tee feel great again. Jaysus, he felt so happy and he hadn’t a care in the world until once more the seriousness of the tone of Stubby’s voice about that “wee chat” began tee permeate his mind again and he began tee really worry what the hell it was all about. But after a wee bit of thought and a few more slurps of stout, he came till the conclusion that maybe it was nawthin’ much and only someone complainin’ about something he’d done til their pet mutt.
Aye, although he’d often had many’s the laugh as a postman, it hadn’t been all sunshine and one of the big snegs was the damned dogs. Man, so many of them was such brutes that they wouldn’t hesitate for one moment from comin’ racin’ up til you, barkin’ leck fuck, teeth bared, and all ready tee swallow yee in one gulp. But if any of them there hounds didn’t already know Geebee’s record, they soon larned, for there was no person in the whole country who knew better than Geebee how tee dispatch any ferocious dog with a good boot up the arse. Aye, when Geebee first started on the postman job, there was many’s the dog that came chargin’ out for tee introduce him til its choppers. But after a few days of gettin’ a damnable sore arse, they soon larnt their lesson and afterwards, whenever they saw him comin’, they used tee skulk away out of sight, growlin’, and with their tails between their legs.
But it wasn’t always the big mutts what caused the trouble. For example, there was one house where they had this ugly big boxer that was fierce fond of sleepin’ and also this yappy little fucker that was no bigger than a rat. Well whenever Geebee would come up til this here house, the boxer would never pass no remarks. But that other wee bastard would kick up such a racket that the boxer used tee have tee get up from his slumber tee have a go at Geebee in order tee get the wee whoer tee shut up his yappin’ and layve him in pace, so that he could go back til sleep again. Well it used tee break Geebee’s heart kickin’ that boxer up the arse, for although he was awful ugly, there wasn’t no harm in him. Naw, it was the other wee shite that used tee nettle Geebee. But unfortunately he could never get near enough the wee whoer for tee get a good scud at him with his hobnail boots. Bejaysus, he would soon have put the yappin’ out of him, if only he’d been able!
As the afternoon wore on, Geebee quit thinkin’ about Stubby and once again life seemed awful nice and rosy. However, Maud sorta spoiled things a wee bit when he got home, for she wanted tee know whether he knew who it was that had been staggerin’ up and down the road at around three o’clock the night before, singin’ and shoutin’ and roarin’ at people tee get up out of their beds. Geebee of course immediately said naw, which was his usual instinctive reaction til any such questions. He thought that that would be that and he’d be left in pace. But rather than her bein’ deflected by his rather abrupt response, she went on tee tell him about how some whoer had got intil Addy McDoo’s car and let off the handbrake and how the car had rolled down the hill and intil the river. All the time she was tellin’ Geebee this, she was starin’ at him intently with those cold, glinty eyes of hers for tee see his reaction. But Geebee had had many years’ good practice and, on the surface, damn the clue did he give away. However, inside he was shytin’ himself, for he knew that if any clash-bag had spotted him, then he’d definitely be for the high jump good and proper, let there be no doubt about that at all.
Now it’s a good man that sings at night, but a better man that sings in the mornin’. Well Geebee mustn’t have been much of a man for he wasn’t singin’ at all the next mornin’. My goodness, what a desperate hangover he had! As per usual, it was still dark when he woke up and of course, he didn’t feel a bit leck gettin’ up tee face the world, especially as he could tell it was asorta cowl and wet outside. But one of the prices he had tee pay for livin’ with Maud and Thomas was that he more or less had tee do things by their rules. He therefore knew he had no choice but tee get up, because there was no way that maggoty owl Maud would let him lie on in and miss a day’s work. So he quietly let out a string of curses, jumped out of bed on this cowl spring mornin’, splashed his face and armpits with a few drops of icy water and then pulled on his clothes, as quick as a cat could lick its ear.
When Geebee got downstairs, he was real playsed for tee find that neither Maud nor Thomas was up and about, because the last thing he wanted tee talk about was owl Atchie’s wake. I mane not only was his brainbox not workin’ right yit, but a lot of what had happened at the wake and on the way home was all a wee bit of a blur til him and he knew he couldn’t remember the sort of fine detail about the wake that Maud would be interested in. So he grabbed a hunk of bread and butter, drank a mug of milk and left the house tout suite for tee avoid the possibility of any interrogation and headed off down towards the post office.
On the way down the road however, he began tee remember some of the divilment that he’d got up til on the way back from the wake and it started tee make him feel a wee bit nervous about whether reports of his behaviour would filter back til Maud durin’ the day, because if they did, it’d mane that he’d be back in the doghouse - yit again! However, he soon cheered up when he arrived in at the post office and found that Stubby was still off sick. So he had a couple of big mugs of sweet tay and a good look through the papers for any mention of uncle Edward before he even started thinkin’ about sortin’ out the letters.
When he eventually did manage tee get himself out on the road, he had such a desperate druth on him and was in such dire need of a damned good cure that he soon decided that he wasn’t gonna deliver too many letters that day. At the same time, he felt desperate frustrated because knew he couldn’t really make a beeline for the pub before lunchtime, not while he had his uniform on, for he knew that if he did, then word would be bound tee get back til Stubby. Now this was something he definitely didn’t want tee happen, because his instinct was tellin’ him that he really was in big trouble this time with Stubby and that it’d be very unwise for tee get intil any more. Furthermore, he’d been feelin’ that mad in the head from one thing and another over the last lough of days that he knew from experience that if he got stuck intil the booze too early in the day, it could all so easily get completely out of hand.
Aye, the trouble with Geebee havin’ a stinkin’ hangover was that he always felt this desperate compulsion tee go intil a pub as soon as they opened for a cure for tee steady himself up and make him feel better. But the sneg was that these here cures often turned out tee be worse than the original disease. Jaysus, how many times had he gone intil pubs with the best of intentions, totally determined tee have “just the one” or “maybe two”, but then after he’d got the taste for it, stayed on boozin’ the whole day, right up till closin’ time, before staggerin’ home, pissed yet again and dreadin’ the even worse hangover he knew he’d have the next day. Memories of all those previous awful times, when he’d got up durin’ the silent night and pissed and puked up intil the sink and then sat on the edge of the bed smokin’ fegs that always made him cough and feel even sicker and sayin’ til himself over and over “never again, never again”. But sure the “never again, never again” never lasted too long and by the time mornin’ would eventually arrive, he’d be longin’ tee get down til the pub again for “just the one” or “maybe two”, despite the fact that he knew at the back of his mind that this “just the one” or “maybe two” would inevitably give him the uncontrollable taste for another big slap of drink yit again and then the same owl thing would happen all over again. Aye, over the years, he’d had so many binges leck that and many’s the time they’d gone on and on and on, day after day, for ages, until at last the money had run out, or else he’d managed tee dredge up a wee titter of wit from somewhere and quit.
Geebee often used tee tell me that he wished he wasn’t so fond of the booze, for he had this terrible fear that someday he’d end up a down and out, without any hopes or dreams and with nawthin’ but empty bottles beside him. He told me about that wine-o he saw one day on a family trip down til the salty sea, sittin’ in a shilter drinkin’ himself intil oblivion on chaype sherry, his feet swimmin’ in a puddle of piss and, it had crossed his mind, when he was gawkin’ at this here boyo, that probably some early mornin’, many years before, in the maternity wing of some hospital somewhere, a nurse had held this here wine-o up as he’d wailed his first wails and showed him til his proud ma and said “it’s a bonny boy”. Aye, on that day at least, he’d been his mother’s pride and joy.
Well anyway, it was desperate dukin’ about until midday arrived and Geebee felt it was safe enough for tee go intil a pub for a cure. It was so nice in there in the lovely warm bar, sittin’ near the fire, mindin’ his own business (for a change) and suppin’ a stout and, as per usual and within no time at all, he began tee feel great again. Jaysus, he felt so happy and he hadn’t a care in the world until once more the seriousness of the tone of Stubby’s voice about that “wee chat” began tee permeate his mind again and he began tee really worry what the hell it was all about. But after a wee bit of thought and a few more slurps of stout, he came till the conclusion that maybe it was nawthin’ much and only someone complainin’ about something he’d done til their pet mutt.
Aye, although he’d often had many’s the laugh as a postman, it hadn’t been all sunshine and one of the big snegs was the damned dogs. Man, so many of them was such brutes that they wouldn’t hesitate for one moment from comin’ racin’ up til you, barkin’ leck fuck, teeth bared, and all ready tee swallow yee in one gulp. But if any of them there hounds didn’t already know Geebee’s record, they soon larned, for there was no person in the whole country who knew better than Geebee how tee dispatch any ferocious dog with a good boot up the arse. Aye, when Geebee first started on the postman job, there was many’s the dog that came chargin’ out for tee introduce him til its choppers. But after a few days of gettin’ a damnable sore arse, they soon larnt their lesson and afterwards, whenever they saw him comin’, they used tee skulk away out of sight, growlin’, and with their tails between their legs.
But it wasn’t always the big mutts what caused the trouble. For example, there was one house where they had this ugly big boxer that was fierce fond of sleepin’ and also this yappy little fucker that was no bigger than a rat. Well whenever Geebee would come up til this here house, the boxer would never pass no remarks. But that other wee bastard would kick up such a racket that the boxer used tee have tee get up from his slumber tee have a go at Geebee in order tee get the wee whoer tee shut up his yappin’ and layve him in pace, so that he could go back til sleep again. Well it used tee break Geebee’s heart kickin’ that boxer up the arse, for although he was awful ugly, there wasn’t no harm in him. Naw, it was the other wee shite that used tee nettle Geebee. But unfortunately he could never get near enough the wee whoer for tee get a good scud at him with his hobnail boots. Bejaysus, he would soon have put the yappin’ out of him, if only he’d been able!
As the afternoon wore on, Geebee quit thinkin’ about Stubby and once again life seemed awful nice and rosy. However, Maud sorta spoiled things a wee bit when he got home, for she wanted tee know whether he knew who it was that had been staggerin’ up and down the road at around three o’clock the night before, singin’ and shoutin’ and roarin’ at people tee get up out of their beds. Geebee of course immediately said naw, which was his usual instinctive reaction til any such questions. He thought that that would be that and he’d be left in pace. But rather than her bein’ deflected by his rather abrupt response, she went on tee tell him about how some whoer had got intil Addy McDoo’s car and let off the handbrake and how the car had rolled down the hill and intil the river. All the time she was tellin’ Geebee this, she was starin’ at him intently with those cold, glinty eyes of hers for tee see his reaction. But Geebee had had many years’ good practice and, on the surface, damn the clue did he give away. However, inside he was shytin’ himself, for he knew that if any clash-bag had spotted him, then he’d definitely be for the high jump good and proper, let there be no doubt about that at all.
Chapter 5
Nothin’ much happened over the next couple of days. The bowel Stubby was still at home nursin’ his sore arse, there continued tee be nawthin’ in the papers about uncle Edward and, although Maud was sure it was Geebee who’d got up til all that there badness after Atchie’s wake, she’d still didn’t have no proof. As for Geebee, he still had quite a few quid in his pocket and, whenever he had money, he was happy, because money meant drink and drink meant the world havin’ a nice, warm, hazy glow til it.
Then came Friday afternoon and Atchie’s funeral. Jaysus, it was desperate standin’ out there in the cowl rain, impatiently waitin’ for the praycher tee shut his mouth and give the nod til the boys tee let Atchie’s coffin down intil the hole, for it was definitely no bloody day tee be out and about, but just the right sort of day tee be in Billy’s cosy warm pub, knockin’ back the half’uns and bottles. However, it seemed til Geebee from the look on the praycher’s face that he was gonna drone on and on forever, which was especially infuriatin’ because that blaggard Atchie didn’t deserve none of it. Aye, it was all just a waste of good drinkin’ time and, if it’d been left up til Geebee, he’d have let owl Atchie go on ahead tout suite til hell. As far as he was concerned, there was just no point in the praycher sickenin’ all their arses with all this here owl religious bullshite, because Atchie sure couldn’t hear him and not one of the rest of them was listenin’ til one damned word of it!
Suddenly the rain began tee bate down even more heavily. Geebee started mutterin’ fierce loudly and glowerin’ real openly at the praycher in the hope that the whoer would get the message. But Geebee needn’t have bothered his arse, for the praycher didn’t leck the heavy rain neither and he suddenly started mumblin’ the holy words real quick. Next thing he’d finished and the boyos let the box go down intil the hole with a clump and they all threw clay til clay because it couldn’t be dust til dust on account of the heavy rain. And that was that and the end of Atchie and they all hit Billy’s pub, their teeth bloody chatterin’. But bejaysus, it was great pullin’ intil the nice warm bar and even better when someone set up the stouts and whiskies. Geebee had tee laugh. So far it’d been one great death and, thank God, there was bound tee be plenty more tee come.
The doer opened and in came Teddy and Bolus, the undertaker. Geebee moved up the bar away from the pair of them. He didn’t mind owl Teddy, but he didn’t want Bolus anywhere near him. Geebee didn’t really have nawthin’ agin him, but undertakers just gave him the creeps, especially ones leck Bolus, who was a cocky sort of a get, with one hell of a damned brass neck on him. Bejaysus, one day, a lough of miles up the country, this family and a pile of relatives and friends was all huddled round this owl boy Aloysius who was on his death bed. Well this stranger suddenly came in and nobody had any idea who the hell he was. But because he had flowers and was all sugary sweet smiles and words of sympathy and kindness and all that sort of sickly owl shite, they didn’t rare up at him and tell him tee fuck off out of it. However, when he was gone and a few inquiries was made, they found out that he was Bolus, the undertaker. Well I ask you, what a way tee drum up business! But I suppose at the end of the day, it wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the owl Aloysius boy knew by the cut of Bolus what he did for a livin’ and of course, that didn’t do his owl ticker no good at all.
As for Teddy, although he wasn’t no undertaker, he was a very important part of the process. Aye, when anyone died round our wee town, the first person they ever always called for was the bowel Teddy. Man, he’d come along right away and the widow or widower would give him a half bottle of whisky and when he’d had a few sups, he’d wash the body and plug it all up good and proper. Old or young, it didn’t matter til Teddy. But because Teddy was so fierce fond of the booze, there’d been many’s a time in the past when he’d drunk all the whisky before he’d seen til the body. Sure there was even one time when they found him lyin’ drunk, asleep and snorin’, on the top of the table, alongside the corpse.
Another job Teddy had was diggin’ graves. Jaysus, he was a desperate man and whenever he was as full as a shuck, he often didn’t right know where the hell he was diggin’ and sometimes he’d dig holes in the ground where there was already graves. Sure when the locial dogs used tee see him on his way staggerin’ drunk up til the cemetery with a spade over his shoulder, they all used tee bark leck hell and get all excited and folly him, for they all knew fine well that whenever Teddy was on his way up til the cemetery, there was a damned good chance of a few bones bein’ turned up for them tee cha on.
But I mind one time when he was diggin’ this here grave and these bloody crows kept swoopin’ down lookin’ for worms. Well, as per usual, Teddy was as drunk as a bag and it wasn’t long until these here owl crows began tee nettle him real bad.
“Fuck off,” he started tee roar at them. But because the whoers had heard it all before and knew that a few bad words wasn’t gonna do them no harm, they didn’t pay no attention til him. So Teddy began tee get increasingly frustrated and his “fuck off yous fuckin’ black bastards” got louder and louder until eventually the locial praycher received a report from some owl spinster about Teddy’s blasphemous language and, despite the fact that he wasn’t half sober himself, he felt obliged tee pay the bowel Teddy a visit up in the cemetery, with the owl spinster in tow.
“Tut, tut,” he said when he arrived up at Teddy’s shoulder with the spinster, “what would people think hearin’ chat leck that in a place leck this .... sure there’s no need for it at all .... if them crows are annoyin’ you, all you have tee do is rush over til them and wave your arms at them …. and I can assure yee that the fuckers will then fly off without any further ado!” Well as drunk as he was, the bowel Teddy was a wee bit took aback at this here advice and he had tee turn tee have a second look for tee make sure that his ears wasn’t deceivin’ him and that it really was the praycher who was spaykin’ these fine words. As for the spinster, she damned near fainted.
But tee get back til the post-funeral do in Billy’s, someone down the bar started tee talk about death in a serious way, which didn’t suit Geebee at all. After all, it was a time for singin’, jokin’ and laughin’, not discussin’ death.
“Right boys” he shouted at the top of his voice, “there’s no point in all yous ones arguin’ about death .... sure nobody’s ever gonna come back for tee let us know which of us was right and which of us was wrong.”
“Aye, you’re right,” chirped up someone else, “nobody ever comes back from the dead because in hell there’s no redemption and heaven’s that good that who the fuck would want tee come back here anyway!” Geebee grinned in agreement.
“Aye tee hell with death,” cried Geebee “let’s sing a lough of songs, drink plenty and enjoy ourselves .... sure we’ll all be gone long enough when our time comes.” And they drank, sang and laughed themselves the whole night long, right intil paradise.
Aye, funerals was great fun. But the only sneg was that there wasn’t half enough of them. Of course, when someone died round our wee town, two other people normally kicked the bucket within a week or so. As Geebee looked around the smoky bar, he wondered who’d be the next tee go and give them a few more good days tee remember. Mind you, he didn’t really give a damn who it was, just as long as it wasn’t him!
Needless tee say, Geebee had a fierce hangover the next mornin’. But what made it worse was that he started frettin’ once again about what that wee whoer Stubby was gonna tackle him about when he eventually returned til work after his arse had healed up and his wife had got the dogshite off his good trousers. But no matter how much he thought about it, Geebee just couldn’t make up his mind what it was that the wee fat get was gonna hold up agin him when they eventually had their “wee chat”. However, once again, he came til the conclusion that maybe he was worryin’ too much and, that all Stubby was gonna say yit again, was that he shouldn’t spend so much of his time chattin’ til people when he was out on his rounds.
Nothin’ much happened over the next couple of days. The bowel Stubby was still at home nursin’ his sore arse, there continued tee be nawthin’ in the papers about uncle Edward and, although Maud was sure it was Geebee who’d got up til all that there badness after Atchie’s wake, she’d still didn’t have no proof. As for Geebee, he still had quite a few quid in his pocket and, whenever he had money, he was happy, because money meant drink and drink meant the world havin’ a nice, warm, hazy glow til it.
Then came Friday afternoon and Atchie’s funeral. Jaysus, it was desperate standin’ out there in the cowl rain, impatiently waitin’ for the praycher tee shut his mouth and give the nod til the boys tee let Atchie’s coffin down intil the hole, for it was definitely no bloody day tee be out and about, but just the right sort of day tee be in Billy’s cosy warm pub, knockin’ back the half’uns and bottles. However, it seemed til Geebee from the look on the praycher’s face that he was gonna drone on and on forever, which was especially infuriatin’ because that blaggard Atchie didn’t deserve none of it. Aye, it was all just a waste of good drinkin’ time and, if it’d been left up til Geebee, he’d have let owl Atchie go on ahead tout suite til hell. As far as he was concerned, there was just no point in the praycher sickenin’ all their arses with all this here owl religious bullshite, because Atchie sure couldn’t hear him and not one of the rest of them was listenin’ til one damned word of it!
Suddenly the rain began tee bate down even more heavily. Geebee started mutterin’ fierce loudly and glowerin’ real openly at the praycher in the hope that the whoer would get the message. But Geebee needn’t have bothered his arse, for the praycher didn’t leck the heavy rain neither and he suddenly started mumblin’ the holy words real quick. Next thing he’d finished and the boyos let the box go down intil the hole with a clump and they all threw clay til clay because it couldn’t be dust til dust on account of the heavy rain. And that was that and the end of Atchie and they all hit Billy’s pub, their teeth bloody chatterin’. But bejaysus, it was great pullin’ intil the nice warm bar and even better when someone set up the stouts and whiskies. Geebee had tee laugh. So far it’d been one great death and, thank God, there was bound tee be plenty more tee come.
The doer opened and in came Teddy and Bolus, the undertaker. Geebee moved up the bar away from the pair of them. He didn’t mind owl Teddy, but he didn’t want Bolus anywhere near him. Geebee didn’t really have nawthin’ agin him, but undertakers just gave him the creeps, especially ones leck Bolus, who was a cocky sort of a get, with one hell of a damned brass neck on him. Bejaysus, one day, a lough of miles up the country, this family and a pile of relatives and friends was all huddled round this owl boy Aloysius who was on his death bed. Well this stranger suddenly came in and nobody had any idea who the hell he was. But because he had flowers and was all sugary sweet smiles and words of sympathy and kindness and all that sort of sickly owl shite, they didn’t rare up at him and tell him tee fuck off out of it. However, when he was gone and a few inquiries was made, they found out that he was Bolus, the undertaker. Well I ask you, what a way tee drum up business! But I suppose at the end of the day, it wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the owl Aloysius boy knew by the cut of Bolus what he did for a livin’ and of course, that didn’t do his owl ticker no good at all.
As for Teddy, although he wasn’t no undertaker, he was a very important part of the process. Aye, when anyone died round our wee town, the first person they ever always called for was the bowel Teddy. Man, he’d come along right away and the widow or widower would give him a half bottle of whisky and when he’d had a few sups, he’d wash the body and plug it all up good and proper. Old or young, it didn’t matter til Teddy. But because Teddy was so fierce fond of the booze, there’d been many’s a time in the past when he’d drunk all the whisky before he’d seen til the body. Sure there was even one time when they found him lyin’ drunk, asleep and snorin’, on the top of the table, alongside the corpse.
Another job Teddy had was diggin’ graves. Jaysus, he was a desperate man and whenever he was as full as a shuck, he often didn’t right know where the hell he was diggin’ and sometimes he’d dig holes in the ground where there was already graves. Sure when the locial dogs used tee see him on his way staggerin’ drunk up til the cemetery with a spade over his shoulder, they all used tee bark leck hell and get all excited and folly him, for they all knew fine well that whenever Teddy was on his way up til the cemetery, there was a damned good chance of a few bones bein’ turned up for them tee cha on.
But I mind one time when he was diggin’ this here grave and these bloody crows kept swoopin’ down lookin’ for worms. Well, as per usual, Teddy was as drunk as a bag and it wasn’t long until these here owl crows began tee nettle him real bad.
“Fuck off,” he started tee roar at them. But because the whoers had heard it all before and knew that a few bad words wasn’t gonna do them no harm, they didn’t pay no attention til him. So Teddy began tee get increasingly frustrated and his “fuck off yous fuckin’ black bastards” got louder and louder until eventually the locial praycher received a report from some owl spinster about Teddy’s blasphemous language and, despite the fact that he wasn’t half sober himself, he felt obliged tee pay the bowel Teddy a visit up in the cemetery, with the owl spinster in tow.
“Tut, tut,” he said when he arrived up at Teddy’s shoulder with the spinster, “what would people think hearin’ chat leck that in a place leck this .... sure there’s no need for it at all .... if them crows are annoyin’ you, all you have tee do is rush over til them and wave your arms at them …. and I can assure yee that the fuckers will then fly off without any further ado!” Well as drunk as he was, the bowel Teddy was a wee bit took aback at this here advice and he had tee turn tee have a second look for tee make sure that his ears wasn’t deceivin’ him and that it really was the praycher who was spaykin’ these fine words. As for the spinster, she damned near fainted.
But tee get back til the post-funeral do in Billy’s, someone down the bar started tee talk about death in a serious way, which didn’t suit Geebee at all. After all, it was a time for singin’, jokin’ and laughin’, not discussin’ death.
“Right boys” he shouted at the top of his voice, “there’s no point in all yous ones arguin’ about death .... sure nobody’s ever gonna come back for tee let us know which of us was right and which of us was wrong.”
“Aye, you’re right,” chirped up someone else, “nobody ever comes back from the dead because in hell there’s no redemption and heaven’s that good that who the fuck would want tee come back here anyway!” Geebee grinned in agreement.
“Aye tee hell with death,” cried Geebee “let’s sing a lough of songs, drink plenty and enjoy ourselves .... sure we’ll all be gone long enough when our time comes.” And they drank, sang and laughed themselves the whole night long, right intil paradise.
Aye, funerals was great fun. But the only sneg was that there wasn’t half enough of them. Of course, when someone died round our wee town, two other people normally kicked the bucket within a week or so. As Geebee looked around the smoky bar, he wondered who’d be the next tee go and give them a few more good days tee remember. Mind you, he didn’t really give a damn who it was, just as long as it wasn’t him!
Needless tee say, Geebee had a fierce hangover the next mornin’. But what made it worse was that he started frettin’ once again about what that wee whoer Stubby was gonna tackle him about when he eventually returned til work after his arse had healed up and his wife had got the dogshite off his good trousers. But no matter how much he thought about it, Geebee just couldn’t make up his mind what it was that the wee fat get was gonna hold up agin him when they eventually had their “wee chat”. However, once again, he came til the conclusion that maybe he was worryin’ too much and, that all Stubby was gonna say yit again, was that he shouldn’t spend so much of his time chattin’ til people when he was out on his rounds.
Chapter 6
Geebee was fierce disappointed that there was no dance in our wee town’s recreation hall on Saturday night. Although his mates asked him if he’d leck tee go with them til the cinema in the next town, he declined their invitation and instead opted tee “thumb his way” til a dance away up the country, for tee see if he could find himself a woman. Now with regard til weemen, all his mates was never done boastin’ and braggin’ about all the rides they’d ever had and Geebee had always felt obliged tee let on that he’d had plenty too. However, the number of girls that he’d had his wicked way with was actually very low indeed. But not only that, Geebee was a wee bit different from the most of the other lads in another respect. Whereas he would always take a ride if it was offered up til him on a plate by a good thing, he was in fact more interested in findin’ himself a nice girlfriend tee have a relationship with. This was because he was actually desperate lonely, although this was of course not somethin’ that he would ever admit til the boys.
When he arrived at the dancehall, he had a quick glance around the hall for tee see what the talent was leck. But there seemed to be nawthin’ there that appealed til him. However, he suddenly noticed Bridie, seemingly on her own. Now although she was a fenian, she was nevertheless a fine lookin’ girl. So Geebee decided he’d try his luck and my goodness, she accepted his invitation tee dance, which playsed him no end, because most weemen turned him down on account of his rather wild nature, excessive drinkin’ and his propensity for gettin’ intil bother. But what made it even better was that Bridie made it quite clear till him after a lough of dances that she was up for remainin’ with him til the end of the night, which again was an unusual experience for Geebee, because most weemen normally couldn’t hardly wait tee layve him at the first opportunity.
Although Geebee was happy tee have his arms round such a nice piece of cracklin’, he was at the same time more than a wee bit nervous in case any of the boys from our wee town would arrive and ketch him with her, because he knew that they wouldn’t be slow in comin’ up til him and askin’ him loudly and aggressively in front of everyone what the fuck he thought he was doin’ with this here fenian tart. So he just prayed that none of them would arrive and that when the dance was over, he’d be able tee get her home for a good coourt behind some dark hedge somewhere without any of the boys ever gettin’ tee know one damned thing about it.
When it eventually came til the end of the dance, Geebee wasn’t sure how he was gonna get Bridie home. After all, he had no car and he was always very reluctant indeed tee spend any good drinkin’ money on taxis. But that was when Bridie’s brother Sean popped up out of nowhere and offered tee give them a lift home. Now Geebee was none too keen on the whoer on account of him always bein’ as sweet as a jar of honey and therefore far too sweet tee be wholesome (til Geebee’s way of thinkin’, sweet smilin’ whoers nearly always turned out tee be the most treacherous bastards around). But despite this, Geebee immediately agreed til Sean’s offer. Well anyway, when they was all in the car and on their way homewards, Geebee could see that Sean was continually lookin’ in his rear-view mirror at the two of them in the back for tee check on what Geebee was up til. So he decided tee be patient and make no move tee tackle Bridie. After all, there was no rush.
Now Bridie was one lovely lookin’ girl and Geebee was really lookin’ forward tee havin’ a good wee coourtin’ session with her. So as they drove along, Geebee began tee feel more and more excited and he was hopin’ that when Sean got them back til our wee town, he’d drop him and Bridie off somewhere dark and discreet. But his hopes was dashed and it quickly became clear til him that Sean the whoer was gonna deliver him til Maud’s front doer. That was when it dawned on Geebee why Sean had offered tee give them a lift home in the first place. It wasn’t because he wanted tee be nice til Geebee, but because he wanted tee make sure that he didn’t get no chance tee have his wicked way with his wee sister.
When Sean got round til Maud’s street, Geebee began tee feel real nervous in case anyone would see him getting’ out of Sean’s car. So it didn’t help matters when Sean took til doin’ what seemed leck a ten point turn, squealin’ the tyres, crashin’ the gears and revvin’ up leck hell. Jaysus, Geebee could see from the wee smirk on Sean’s chops that he was doin’ it all on purpose just tee waken up the whole street, because he knew fine well that they’d all be bound tee look out of their windies for tee see what the fuck was goin’ on and, when they did, they’d see Geebee gettin’ out of a taig’s car!
Well anyway, when Sean had eventually completed all his manoeuvrin’ and pulled up in front of Geebee’s front doer, it took a great dayle of effort on Geebee’s part not tee take the whoer by the throat. But he controlled himself and even managed tee say “thank you” through clenched teeth. Then, after Geebee jumped out of the car, Sean toot-tooted and roared away as loud as he could go, nearly cuttin’ the arse off Geebee with a whole pile of loose gravel off his spinnin’ rear wheels.
Now despite all the racket, Geebee thought that perhaps he’d been lucky and that nobody had seen him. But he should have known better. I mane the funny thing about livin’ round our wee town is that no matter what you do, there’s always some nosey bastard around who’ll see yee and this night was no exception. Aye, just as Geebee was headin’ towards the front doer, that useless get Snotso just happened tee be passin’ by. Of course Geebee knew he’d seen the whole episode and that the clash-bag would tell all and sundry the next day, which would therefore mane that he’d be bound to be interrogated at some considerable length in due course. God damn it!
Geebee really wasn’t none too playsed at the way things had worked out. However, after a wee bit of thought up in his bedroom, he began tee look on the bright side of things. Aye, Geebee knew that although it was all right tee shag the odd fenian from time til time in the shadows, there was no way a “good prod” leck him could ever go out steady with one. But not only that, if he ever did allow himself tee get hook, line and sinkered by some papish girl, he’d be chased from the village (just leck what had happened til his uncle Edward) and forced tee live with the rest of them hillbilly fenians up in the mountain, in one of those tumbledown cottages up there and inevitably, there’d be squads of kids, crawlin’ all over the place. But not only that, because he’d be regarded as bein’ a turncoat and therefore a traitor, he’d have no choice but tee layve his job. However, he also knew he’d then have an awful time tryin’ tee get another one that was half-dacent. As for Sundays, he’d have tee be up at the crack of dawn - when any good, dacent prod would still be in his bed - and ride down the mountain on a rusty owl bicycle til the chapel with a convoy of ragamuffin chillder in tow behind him and, over time, he’d get a hump on his back leck so many of the rest of them downtrodden fenians. Needless tee say, there would of course never be enough spare money for tee buy as much as a glass of cowl, black porter. Furthermore, all his mates would instantly turn agin him and the only times they’d ever spayke til him would be when they’d be makin’ derogatory remarks agin him or threatenin’ him. Aye, deep down, he knew that life would be intolerable if he ever had tee get married til a fenian. So the more he thought about it, the more he realised how quare and lucky he’d been that night!
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he felt more than a wee bit apprehensive on account of that useless get Snotso seein’ him get out of Sean’s car. Geebee ground his teeth out of irritation, for he knew that as well as havin’ tee continue contendin’ with the barely concealed jibes about his uncle Edward that he’d been havin’ tee listen til all the previous week, but he’d now probably have tee put up with a whole pile of digs about him consortin’ with the other side as well.
Well anyway, Geebee decided that he wouldn’t lie about til lunchtime as was his wont and that instead, he’d get up and see if there was any chance he might get a wee look at the Sunday rag before owl Thomas got real stuck intil it. And low and behold, as luck would have it, owl Thomas was spaykin’ til some owl gern at the front doer and the newspaper was lyin’ in his armchair, where he’d put it for tee read when he came back. So Geebee took his opportunity and fled upstairs til the shithouse with it.
Although there was nawthin’ at all on the front page about uncle Edward, there was plenty inside, includin’ one wee bit of information that he (and probably the others) hadn’t been aware of before. Apparently Edward’s wife Bridget had died from cancer a few years before, layvin’ him a widower. Geebee smiled til himself, for he knew that when Thomas larnt this fact, he would be full of regrets about sendin’ yon earlier letter til Edward invitin’ him tee pay them a visit without Bridget, because it would dawn on him that if only he had waited until now, he could have wrote til uncle Edward for tee offer his condolences and also tee invite him tee visit them. And who knows maybe uncle Edward might have come back and made him and Maud fierce rich.
But with regard til the rest of the article, my goodness there was more allegations about a massive fraud, skulduggery and other shady daylin’s and there was photies of uncle Edward tryin’ tee hide his face behind a newspaper and although it said that he was hotly disputin’ all that the paper was sayin’ about him and that he was gonna sue everyone in sight, it was lookin’ very leckly that he was gonna do time for all the badness he’d been up til, which Geebee knew was gonna playse all the others, because as far as they was all concerned, Edward was a treacherous, turncoat bastard, who deserved everythin’ that was comin’ his way. Aye, they’d be playsed alright, because there really did seem tee be a distinct possibility that uncle Edward was gonna get his come-uppance at long last and, til their way of thinkin’, this was all the whoer deserved for lettin’ the whole side down so badly and bringin’ so much shame and humiliation down on such a good proddy family leck theirs by marryin’ that fenian trollop Bridget. As for Geebee, he had a different point of view and instead he had a sneakin’ admiration for Edward. But he was so intrigued with the whole affair that he read this here article over and over again. So it was quite some time before he eventually handed the paper over til owl Thomas, who’d been croakin’ leck fuck outside the shithouse doer for ages.
Geebee was fierce disappointed that there was no dance in our wee town’s recreation hall on Saturday night. Although his mates asked him if he’d leck tee go with them til the cinema in the next town, he declined their invitation and instead opted tee “thumb his way” til a dance away up the country, for tee see if he could find himself a woman. Now with regard til weemen, all his mates was never done boastin’ and braggin’ about all the rides they’d ever had and Geebee had always felt obliged tee let on that he’d had plenty too. However, the number of girls that he’d had his wicked way with was actually very low indeed. But not only that, Geebee was a wee bit different from the most of the other lads in another respect. Whereas he would always take a ride if it was offered up til him on a plate by a good thing, he was in fact more interested in findin’ himself a nice girlfriend tee have a relationship with. This was because he was actually desperate lonely, although this was of course not somethin’ that he would ever admit til the boys.
When he arrived at the dancehall, he had a quick glance around the hall for tee see what the talent was leck. But there seemed to be nawthin’ there that appealed til him. However, he suddenly noticed Bridie, seemingly on her own. Now although she was a fenian, she was nevertheless a fine lookin’ girl. So Geebee decided he’d try his luck and my goodness, she accepted his invitation tee dance, which playsed him no end, because most weemen turned him down on account of his rather wild nature, excessive drinkin’ and his propensity for gettin’ intil bother. But what made it even better was that Bridie made it quite clear till him after a lough of dances that she was up for remainin’ with him til the end of the night, which again was an unusual experience for Geebee, because most weemen normally couldn’t hardly wait tee layve him at the first opportunity.
Although Geebee was happy tee have his arms round such a nice piece of cracklin’, he was at the same time more than a wee bit nervous in case any of the boys from our wee town would arrive and ketch him with her, because he knew that they wouldn’t be slow in comin’ up til him and askin’ him loudly and aggressively in front of everyone what the fuck he thought he was doin’ with this here fenian tart. So he just prayed that none of them would arrive and that when the dance was over, he’d be able tee get her home for a good coourt behind some dark hedge somewhere without any of the boys ever gettin’ tee know one damned thing about it.
When it eventually came til the end of the dance, Geebee wasn’t sure how he was gonna get Bridie home. After all, he had no car and he was always very reluctant indeed tee spend any good drinkin’ money on taxis. But that was when Bridie’s brother Sean popped up out of nowhere and offered tee give them a lift home. Now Geebee was none too keen on the whoer on account of him always bein’ as sweet as a jar of honey and therefore far too sweet tee be wholesome (til Geebee’s way of thinkin’, sweet smilin’ whoers nearly always turned out tee be the most treacherous bastards around). But despite this, Geebee immediately agreed til Sean’s offer. Well anyway, when they was all in the car and on their way homewards, Geebee could see that Sean was continually lookin’ in his rear-view mirror at the two of them in the back for tee check on what Geebee was up til. So he decided tee be patient and make no move tee tackle Bridie. After all, there was no rush.
Now Bridie was one lovely lookin’ girl and Geebee was really lookin’ forward tee havin’ a good wee coourtin’ session with her. So as they drove along, Geebee began tee feel more and more excited and he was hopin’ that when Sean got them back til our wee town, he’d drop him and Bridie off somewhere dark and discreet. But his hopes was dashed and it quickly became clear til him that Sean the whoer was gonna deliver him til Maud’s front doer. That was when it dawned on Geebee why Sean had offered tee give them a lift home in the first place. It wasn’t because he wanted tee be nice til Geebee, but because he wanted tee make sure that he didn’t get no chance tee have his wicked way with his wee sister.
When Sean got round til Maud’s street, Geebee began tee feel real nervous in case anyone would see him getting’ out of Sean’s car. So it didn’t help matters when Sean took til doin’ what seemed leck a ten point turn, squealin’ the tyres, crashin’ the gears and revvin’ up leck hell. Jaysus, Geebee could see from the wee smirk on Sean’s chops that he was doin’ it all on purpose just tee waken up the whole street, because he knew fine well that they’d all be bound tee look out of their windies for tee see what the fuck was goin’ on and, when they did, they’d see Geebee gettin’ out of a taig’s car!
Well anyway, when Sean had eventually completed all his manoeuvrin’ and pulled up in front of Geebee’s front doer, it took a great dayle of effort on Geebee’s part not tee take the whoer by the throat. But he controlled himself and even managed tee say “thank you” through clenched teeth. Then, after Geebee jumped out of the car, Sean toot-tooted and roared away as loud as he could go, nearly cuttin’ the arse off Geebee with a whole pile of loose gravel off his spinnin’ rear wheels.
Now despite all the racket, Geebee thought that perhaps he’d been lucky and that nobody had seen him. But he should have known better. I mane the funny thing about livin’ round our wee town is that no matter what you do, there’s always some nosey bastard around who’ll see yee and this night was no exception. Aye, just as Geebee was headin’ towards the front doer, that useless get Snotso just happened tee be passin’ by. Of course Geebee knew he’d seen the whole episode and that the clash-bag would tell all and sundry the next day, which would therefore mane that he’d be bound to be interrogated at some considerable length in due course. God damn it!
Geebee really wasn’t none too playsed at the way things had worked out. However, after a wee bit of thought up in his bedroom, he began tee look on the bright side of things. Aye, Geebee knew that although it was all right tee shag the odd fenian from time til time in the shadows, there was no way a “good prod” leck him could ever go out steady with one. But not only that, if he ever did allow himself tee get hook, line and sinkered by some papish girl, he’d be chased from the village (just leck what had happened til his uncle Edward) and forced tee live with the rest of them hillbilly fenians up in the mountain, in one of those tumbledown cottages up there and inevitably, there’d be squads of kids, crawlin’ all over the place. But not only that, because he’d be regarded as bein’ a turncoat and therefore a traitor, he’d have no choice but tee layve his job. However, he also knew he’d then have an awful time tryin’ tee get another one that was half-dacent. As for Sundays, he’d have tee be up at the crack of dawn - when any good, dacent prod would still be in his bed - and ride down the mountain on a rusty owl bicycle til the chapel with a convoy of ragamuffin chillder in tow behind him and, over time, he’d get a hump on his back leck so many of the rest of them downtrodden fenians. Needless tee say, there would of course never be enough spare money for tee buy as much as a glass of cowl, black porter. Furthermore, all his mates would instantly turn agin him and the only times they’d ever spayke til him would be when they’d be makin’ derogatory remarks agin him or threatenin’ him. Aye, deep down, he knew that life would be intolerable if he ever had tee get married til a fenian. So the more he thought about it, the more he realised how quare and lucky he’d been that night!
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he felt more than a wee bit apprehensive on account of that useless get Snotso seein’ him get out of Sean’s car. Geebee ground his teeth out of irritation, for he knew that as well as havin’ tee continue contendin’ with the barely concealed jibes about his uncle Edward that he’d been havin’ tee listen til all the previous week, but he’d now probably have tee put up with a whole pile of digs about him consortin’ with the other side as well.
Well anyway, Geebee decided that he wouldn’t lie about til lunchtime as was his wont and that instead, he’d get up and see if there was any chance he might get a wee look at the Sunday rag before owl Thomas got real stuck intil it. And low and behold, as luck would have it, owl Thomas was spaykin’ til some owl gern at the front doer and the newspaper was lyin’ in his armchair, where he’d put it for tee read when he came back. So Geebee took his opportunity and fled upstairs til the shithouse with it.
Although there was nawthin’ at all on the front page about uncle Edward, there was plenty inside, includin’ one wee bit of information that he (and probably the others) hadn’t been aware of before. Apparently Edward’s wife Bridget had died from cancer a few years before, layvin’ him a widower. Geebee smiled til himself, for he knew that when Thomas larnt this fact, he would be full of regrets about sendin’ yon earlier letter til Edward invitin’ him tee pay them a visit without Bridget, because it would dawn on him that if only he had waited until now, he could have wrote til uncle Edward for tee offer his condolences and also tee invite him tee visit them. And who knows maybe uncle Edward might have come back and made him and Maud fierce rich.
But with regard til the rest of the article, my goodness there was more allegations about a massive fraud, skulduggery and other shady daylin’s and there was photies of uncle Edward tryin’ tee hide his face behind a newspaper and although it said that he was hotly disputin’ all that the paper was sayin’ about him and that he was gonna sue everyone in sight, it was lookin’ very leckly that he was gonna do time for all the badness he’d been up til, which Geebee knew was gonna playse all the others, because as far as they was all concerned, Edward was a treacherous, turncoat bastard, who deserved everythin’ that was comin’ his way. Aye, they’d be playsed alright, because there really did seem tee be a distinct possibility that uncle Edward was gonna get his come-uppance at long last and, til their way of thinkin’, this was all the whoer deserved for lettin’ the whole side down so badly and bringin’ so much shame and humiliation down on such a good proddy family leck theirs by marryin’ that fenian trollop Bridget. As for Geebee, he had a different point of view and instead he had a sneakin’ admiration for Edward. But he was so intrigued with the whole affair that he read this here article over and over again. So it was quite some time before he eventually handed the paper over til owl Thomas, who’d been croakin’ leck fuck outside the shithouse doer for ages.
Chapter 7
It was great for Geebee when he got intil work on Monday mornin’ and found that Stubby was still off sick. Jaysus, it was lovely layin’ about the office, drinkin’ cups of tay and jokin’ about Stubby’s wife massagin’ his arse every day and claynin’ the dogshite off his trousers every night. Aye, Geebee was more than contented with the way things was goin’ and he even felt he was on a kinda winnin’ run for a change. Even so, he really wasn’t expectin’ the stroke of good luck that happened next. Jaysus, there he was, walkin’ down the village street with some letters in his hand and mindin’ everyone else’s business, when suddenly there she was, the bowel Gladys, danderin’ down by the shops with a shoppin’ bag, doin’ a few errands for her owl ma - and all on her lone for once! Deario, Geebee had been dreamin’ about such an opportunity for so long that he didn’t hesitate one single second and he made a beeline for her as quick as he could go, but without makin’ it look too obvious at the same time.
Now, anyone lookin’ at Gladys would probably have wondered why Geebee would be so keen tee tackle her. I mane, she was a big, fat sow in her thirties and certainly no glamour puss. However, a few months before, Geebee had heard this rumour from a very reliable source, that although most people thought she was a virgin, this was very far from bein’ the truth and the fact of the matter was that she was actually a bit of a nymphomaniac, who loved ridin’ and who’d had plenty of men in her time. But what had really excited Geebee was the reliable source’s assertion that the bowel Gladys would give it til any man if he wanted it off her, just as long as she could be sure that he’d keep his big trap shut about it afterwards.
As I have explained earlier, although Geebee would never admit it til his mates for fear of bein’ scorned and ridiculed, he was secretly on the look-out for a nice girl tee have a steady relationship with. But, at the same time, he was just leck most other men and would readily accept sex if it was offered til him on a plate. So when he heard this here rumour about Gladys bein’ a dead cert, he decided there and then for tee give her a go, despite the fact that she wasn’t no page three girl. But the one big sneg with Gladys was that she was an only child and lived at home with her parents, who was real serious bible thumpers and so protective of her that they wouldn’t even let her talk til men, let alone go out with any of them. As far as they was concerned, she was a virgin and that was the way she was gonna remain until Mr Right came along. But no matter how much parents try tee impose their will upon their sprogs, they might as well try pissin’ agin the wind if their chillder are determined tee do somethin’ different. So although Gladys’ parents very rarely ever let her out of their sight and certainly never let her out at night, she got round this curfew by secretly lettin’ boys intil her bedroom at the dead of night, when her ma and da was fast asleep and snorin’ in the room below hers. Well anyway, when Geebee had heard all this from his reliable source, he’d immediately started havin’ a few wee fantasies about Gladys and that was why he made straight for her when this here rare golden opportunity arose.
However, when Geebee got up close til her, she looked such an awful, bloody sight that he damned nearly went straight on by her and down the road. But at the very last moment, he decided tee take the bull by the ballocks and he stopped in front of her. She was of course a wee bit took aback that he’d want tee chat her up because anytime he’d ever met her before, he’d always only ever given her that “get out of me way, yee big fat sow” sort of look. Well anyway, Geebee decided not tee bate about the bush and he put it til her straight that he’d fancied her for a long time and that he wanted tee come and coourt her that very night after midnight and that she could rely on him never tee say nawthin’ about it til nobody. Well Jaysus, not only did she not hesitate one second before sayin’ aye, but she went on tee tell him that he should throw a wee pebble up at her windy when he arrived tee let her know that he was there and then she’d come down and let him in.
After they’d made the arrangement, Geebee couldn’t think of nawthin’ else tee chat about because the neither of them had anythin’ in common at all. So he let her go on about her business. But as he watched her waddle up the street with her big fat arse, he began tee feel a sort of lust that he had never experienced before. In fact, he got that excited that he could hardly wait tee get at her and couldn’t think about nawthin’ else the whole day but gettin’ her intil bed and givin’ her a good seein’ til. But my goodness, the bloody time passed ever so slowly! Jaysus, it was absolute hell for him.
However, the hours did pass and eventually, when the lights round our wee town went out just after midnight, it was at last time for him tee make a move! Jaysus, it was pitch dark as he crept out of his room and along the corridor, arms out in front of him, unable tee see a thing, with his heart poundin’, his eardrums almost burstin’ and his stomach sick with fear and dread, on past Maud and Thomas’s bedroom (where he could hear owl Maud snorin’ leck a hog), down the creakin’ stairs, towards the back doer - and crash, bang straight intil a bucket. He stopped and waited for lights tee go on and for the sound of Maud comin’ clatterin’ down the stairs for tee investigate, and he wondered frantically what the hell he’d say when she caught him fully dressed by the back doer. But thankfully they hadn’t heard him. So he opened the doer and within seconds, he was on his way out and, in no time at all, he was nothin’ more than another shadow in the night. There was nobody else around because they was all in their beds. Jaysus, it was leck the whole town was his and, as he walked along, his footsteps echoed all around the silent streets so loudly that he was certain that somebody would be bound tee hear him and that he’d be sure tee be seen and therefore at the top of the gossip agenda the next mornin’. But luckily for Geebee, the whoers heard nawthin’ and they all slept on.
Gladys’s home was on the far side of town and up a wee lane. So tee be on the safe side, Geebee climbed over a fence and crossed the fields for tee skirt round our wee town. But then the moon suddenly broke through the clouds and bathed the whole countryside in clear, white light. It was almost as bright as day and he was even more sure that he was gonna be seen. So he quickened his step, absolutely terrified. All around him there was these odd noises and strange movements and, away up in the sky, some peculiar bird was makin’ an unnervin’, hauntin’ d-d-d-deein’ sound as it dived through the night air and, in the lonely distance, curs of dogs was bark, bark, barkin’. He came near a lake and it was leck a mirror. As he passed some cows, they stopped munchin’ at the grass for tee turn and look at him. Then one coughed and he near fainted from fright.
Later, when Geebee eventually got back on til the road, he started tee run towards the entry til the lane leadin’ up til Gladys’s house. But then, as always happens in such situations, he suddenly saw these car lights comin’ down the road towards him. Jaysus, he near shit himself and he had no choice but tee jump out of sight, right intil the middle of a hedge full of thorns. Jaysus, although his arse was like a pin cushion from all them thorns, he had tee stay put there until the car swished on by and disappeared intil the darkness of the night.
When Geebee eventually managed tee extricate himself from that there thorny hedge, he quickly ran up the road and then up the wee lane and round til the back of Gladys’s house. Within no time at all, he was gazin’ up at her bedroom windy. But it was so dark and silent that he was dead sure that she’d only been bluffin’ and that there was no way that she was gonna come down. He began tee feel the first pangs of disappointment. However, after a few raps on her windy with a lough of wee pebbles, she did actually come down til the backdoer. My goodness, he could hardly believe it. When she opened the doer for tee let him in and he saw her in her night clothes, he suddenly felt almost sick with excitement, because it really dawned on him for the very first time, that before the night would be over, she’d be another one tee add til his rather meagre tally of weemen.
Well anyway, Geebee and Gladys stealthily crept up the stairs, past her parents’ open bedroom doer. Geebee was shytin’ himself from fear, but it was no fizz on her and he could tell from this that she had obviously done it many times before. Then, after they’d got til her bedroom and she’d shut the doer, it was straight over til the bed for a wee bit of passionate coourtin’, which soon got so hot, that within no time at all, Geebee reached out, grabbed her hand and placed it on the bulge in his trousers, because he didn’t believe in batin’ about the bush. As far as he was concerned, he’d never had no time for all that owl foreplay shite with dead certs. However, she immediately pulled her hand away.
“Have yee got anythin’?” she asked, which Geebee took tee be her way of askin’ whether he’d got a frenchie. Well she shouldn’t have bothered askin’ a geezer leck him a silly question leck that. After all, he’d seen so many of his muckers “gettin’ wounded in action” as a result of not havin’ adequate protection that he knew fine well how very wise it was tee be careful in such matters. He also knew fine well from experience that although it’s often very hard gettin’ the boy in, it’s nearly always a whole lot harder gettin’ it out again and that really, at the end of the day (or should I say night), a frenchie could make all the difference between a good night’s crack and a load of worry. Furthermore, he also knew frenchies helped tee stop men gettin’ the pox and all that sort of thing, which was great as far as he was concerned, because some of the weemen round our wee town was that dirty that they had crabs that would have ate yee alive.
Well tee get back til the action, Geebee had hardly got round til replyin’ “aye” til her question before she had his cock out of his trousers and halfway down her throat. Well, he asorta took it from that, that he’d definitely be gettin’ his hole that night and sure enough, it wasn’t long until the passionate kissin’ and gropin’ about got til such a pitch that Geebee knew for certain that it was gettin’ near til leg-open time. So as he was wrastlin’ about on the top her and caressin’ her fanny with one hand, he reached intil his jacket pocket for the frenchies with the other. However, it was then that his heart instantly sank, for he suddenly realised that he didn’t have them on him and that he must have left them at home on the dresser beside the bed.
Bejaysus, Geebee felt sick for he thought that that would be that and the end of the whole performance and that there’d be no way she’d let him ride her now without havin’ a “one eyed trouser snake’s raincoat” on. But he shouldn’t have worried for she took his boy and it was heaven as she slipped it in. However, just as he was about tee start jiggin’ away, she said “now, be careful” and “don’t forget tee take it out in good time”. Geebee akinda grunted tee reassure her, but unfortunately he’d hardly got goin’ until he found himself comin’. Well although she kept grindin’ her hips and was obviously dyin’ for a few more revs, Geebee asorta no longer had no appetite for ridin’ and all he wanted tee do was tee go on home til his own wee bed, especially as he had work tee go til in the mornin’. However, he did manage tee stay long enough for tee get it up again and give her another length some time later, although he didn’t really enjoy it at all. In fact, when he was dukin’ about in the shadows on his way home, he made up his mind never tee go near her again. Although he found that such liaisons could be really excitin’, they was very far from ever bein’ satisfyin’. In fact they always just left him feelin’ desperate empty, desolate and lonely.
It was great for Geebee when he got intil work on Monday mornin’ and found that Stubby was still off sick. Jaysus, it was lovely layin’ about the office, drinkin’ cups of tay and jokin’ about Stubby’s wife massagin’ his arse every day and claynin’ the dogshite off his trousers every night. Aye, Geebee was more than contented with the way things was goin’ and he even felt he was on a kinda winnin’ run for a change. Even so, he really wasn’t expectin’ the stroke of good luck that happened next. Jaysus, there he was, walkin’ down the village street with some letters in his hand and mindin’ everyone else’s business, when suddenly there she was, the bowel Gladys, danderin’ down by the shops with a shoppin’ bag, doin’ a few errands for her owl ma - and all on her lone for once! Deario, Geebee had been dreamin’ about such an opportunity for so long that he didn’t hesitate one single second and he made a beeline for her as quick as he could go, but without makin’ it look too obvious at the same time.
Now, anyone lookin’ at Gladys would probably have wondered why Geebee would be so keen tee tackle her. I mane, she was a big, fat sow in her thirties and certainly no glamour puss. However, a few months before, Geebee had heard this rumour from a very reliable source, that although most people thought she was a virgin, this was very far from bein’ the truth and the fact of the matter was that she was actually a bit of a nymphomaniac, who loved ridin’ and who’d had plenty of men in her time. But what had really excited Geebee was the reliable source’s assertion that the bowel Gladys would give it til any man if he wanted it off her, just as long as she could be sure that he’d keep his big trap shut about it afterwards.
As I have explained earlier, although Geebee would never admit it til his mates for fear of bein’ scorned and ridiculed, he was secretly on the look-out for a nice girl tee have a steady relationship with. But, at the same time, he was just leck most other men and would readily accept sex if it was offered til him on a plate. So when he heard this here rumour about Gladys bein’ a dead cert, he decided there and then for tee give her a go, despite the fact that she wasn’t no page three girl. But the one big sneg with Gladys was that she was an only child and lived at home with her parents, who was real serious bible thumpers and so protective of her that they wouldn’t even let her talk til men, let alone go out with any of them. As far as they was concerned, she was a virgin and that was the way she was gonna remain until Mr Right came along. But no matter how much parents try tee impose their will upon their sprogs, they might as well try pissin’ agin the wind if their chillder are determined tee do somethin’ different. So although Gladys’ parents very rarely ever let her out of their sight and certainly never let her out at night, she got round this curfew by secretly lettin’ boys intil her bedroom at the dead of night, when her ma and da was fast asleep and snorin’ in the room below hers. Well anyway, when Geebee had heard all this from his reliable source, he’d immediately started havin’ a few wee fantasies about Gladys and that was why he made straight for her when this here rare golden opportunity arose.
However, when Geebee got up close til her, she looked such an awful, bloody sight that he damned nearly went straight on by her and down the road. But at the very last moment, he decided tee take the bull by the ballocks and he stopped in front of her. She was of course a wee bit took aback that he’d want tee chat her up because anytime he’d ever met her before, he’d always only ever given her that “get out of me way, yee big fat sow” sort of look. Well anyway, Geebee decided not tee bate about the bush and he put it til her straight that he’d fancied her for a long time and that he wanted tee come and coourt her that very night after midnight and that she could rely on him never tee say nawthin’ about it til nobody. Well Jaysus, not only did she not hesitate one second before sayin’ aye, but she went on tee tell him that he should throw a wee pebble up at her windy when he arrived tee let her know that he was there and then she’d come down and let him in.
After they’d made the arrangement, Geebee couldn’t think of nawthin’ else tee chat about because the neither of them had anythin’ in common at all. So he let her go on about her business. But as he watched her waddle up the street with her big fat arse, he began tee feel a sort of lust that he had never experienced before. In fact, he got that excited that he could hardly wait tee get at her and couldn’t think about nawthin’ else the whole day but gettin’ her intil bed and givin’ her a good seein’ til. But my goodness, the bloody time passed ever so slowly! Jaysus, it was absolute hell for him.
However, the hours did pass and eventually, when the lights round our wee town went out just after midnight, it was at last time for him tee make a move! Jaysus, it was pitch dark as he crept out of his room and along the corridor, arms out in front of him, unable tee see a thing, with his heart poundin’, his eardrums almost burstin’ and his stomach sick with fear and dread, on past Maud and Thomas’s bedroom (where he could hear owl Maud snorin’ leck a hog), down the creakin’ stairs, towards the back doer - and crash, bang straight intil a bucket. He stopped and waited for lights tee go on and for the sound of Maud comin’ clatterin’ down the stairs for tee investigate, and he wondered frantically what the hell he’d say when she caught him fully dressed by the back doer. But thankfully they hadn’t heard him. So he opened the doer and within seconds, he was on his way out and, in no time at all, he was nothin’ more than another shadow in the night. There was nobody else around because they was all in their beds. Jaysus, it was leck the whole town was his and, as he walked along, his footsteps echoed all around the silent streets so loudly that he was certain that somebody would be bound tee hear him and that he’d be sure tee be seen and therefore at the top of the gossip agenda the next mornin’. But luckily for Geebee, the whoers heard nawthin’ and they all slept on.
Gladys’s home was on the far side of town and up a wee lane. So tee be on the safe side, Geebee climbed over a fence and crossed the fields for tee skirt round our wee town. But then the moon suddenly broke through the clouds and bathed the whole countryside in clear, white light. It was almost as bright as day and he was even more sure that he was gonna be seen. So he quickened his step, absolutely terrified. All around him there was these odd noises and strange movements and, away up in the sky, some peculiar bird was makin’ an unnervin’, hauntin’ d-d-d-deein’ sound as it dived through the night air and, in the lonely distance, curs of dogs was bark, bark, barkin’. He came near a lake and it was leck a mirror. As he passed some cows, they stopped munchin’ at the grass for tee turn and look at him. Then one coughed and he near fainted from fright.
Later, when Geebee eventually got back on til the road, he started tee run towards the entry til the lane leadin’ up til Gladys’s house. But then, as always happens in such situations, he suddenly saw these car lights comin’ down the road towards him. Jaysus, he near shit himself and he had no choice but tee jump out of sight, right intil the middle of a hedge full of thorns. Jaysus, although his arse was like a pin cushion from all them thorns, he had tee stay put there until the car swished on by and disappeared intil the darkness of the night.
When Geebee eventually managed tee extricate himself from that there thorny hedge, he quickly ran up the road and then up the wee lane and round til the back of Gladys’s house. Within no time at all, he was gazin’ up at her bedroom windy. But it was so dark and silent that he was dead sure that she’d only been bluffin’ and that there was no way that she was gonna come down. He began tee feel the first pangs of disappointment. However, after a few raps on her windy with a lough of wee pebbles, she did actually come down til the backdoer. My goodness, he could hardly believe it. When she opened the doer for tee let him in and he saw her in her night clothes, he suddenly felt almost sick with excitement, because it really dawned on him for the very first time, that before the night would be over, she’d be another one tee add til his rather meagre tally of weemen.
Well anyway, Geebee and Gladys stealthily crept up the stairs, past her parents’ open bedroom doer. Geebee was shytin’ himself from fear, but it was no fizz on her and he could tell from this that she had obviously done it many times before. Then, after they’d got til her bedroom and she’d shut the doer, it was straight over til the bed for a wee bit of passionate coourtin’, which soon got so hot, that within no time at all, Geebee reached out, grabbed her hand and placed it on the bulge in his trousers, because he didn’t believe in batin’ about the bush. As far as he was concerned, he’d never had no time for all that owl foreplay shite with dead certs. However, she immediately pulled her hand away.
“Have yee got anythin’?” she asked, which Geebee took tee be her way of askin’ whether he’d got a frenchie. Well she shouldn’t have bothered askin’ a geezer leck him a silly question leck that. After all, he’d seen so many of his muckers “gettin’ wounded in action” as a result of not havin’ adequate protection that he knew fine well how very wise it was tee be careful in such matters. He also knew fine well from experience that although it’s often very hard gettin’ the boy in, it’s nearly always a whole lot harder gettin’ it out again and that really, at the end of the day (or should I say night), a frenchie could make all the difference between a good night’s crack and a load of worry. Furthermore, he also knew frenchies helped tee stop men gettin’ the pox and all that sort of thing, which was great as far as he was concerned, because some of the weemen round our wee town was that dirty that they had crabs that would have ate yee alive.
Well tee get back til the action, Geebee had hardly got round til replyin’ “aye” til her question before she had his cock out of his trousers and halfway down her throat. Well, he asorta took it from that, that he’d definitely be gettin’ his hole that night and sure enough, it wasn’t long until the passionate kissin’ and gropin’ about got til such a pitch that Geebee knew for certain that it was gettin’ near til leg-open time. So as he was wrastlin’ about on the top her and caressin’ her fanny with one hand, he reached intil his jacket pocket for the frenchies with the other. However, it was then that his heart instantly sank, for he suddenly realised that he didn’t have them on him and that he must have left them at home on the dresser beside the bed.
Bejaysus, Geebee felt sick for he thought that that would be that and the end of the whole performance and that there’d be no way she’d let him ride her now without havin’ a “one eyed trouser snake’s raincoat” on. But he shouldn’t have worried for she took his boy and it was heaven as she slipped it in. However, just as he was about tee start jiggin’ away, she said “now, be careful” and “don’t forget tee take it out in good time”. Geebee akinda grunted tee reassure her, but unfortunately he’d hardly got goin’ until he found himself comin’. Well although she kept grindin’ her hips and was obviously dyin’ for a few more revs, Geebee asorta no longer had no appetite for ridin’ and all he wanted tee do was tee go on home til his own wee bed, especially as he had work tee go til in the mornin’. However, he did manage tee stay long enough for tee get it up again and give her another length some time later, although he didn’t really enjoy it at all. In fact, when he was dukin’ about in the shadows on his way home, he made up his mind never tee go near her again. Although he found that such liaisons could be really excitin’, they was very far from ever bein’ satisfyin’. In fact they always just left him feelin’ desperate empty, desolate and lonely.
Chapter 8
Several days later, Geebee’s uncle Frank - another one of Thomas’s brothers - suddenly arrived from England for tee pay Maud and Thomas an unexpected visit. Well, although they could have done damn well without him, Maud and Thomas tried tee put on leck they was playsed tee see him and as for Geebee, although he didn’t leck the borin’ owl fart, he decided that this time he’d be sweet til him in the hope that perhaps he’d get him tee tell him all what he knew about uncle Edward, before he disappeared off back home til England again.
Now when Maud offered uncle Frank somethin’ tee ate, he said naw, that he’d had somethin’ a wee while before and was so full that the buttons was almost poppin’ off his waistcoat. So when Thomas started tee hash away til him in the front room, Maud went out intil the kitchen for tee cook a roast, bake a whole pile of cakes and make a big trifle for the weemen’s institute meetin’ the next day. Jaysus, she spent until nearly 10 o’clock that night slavin’ away preparin’ all this lovely grub. Then just as she was about tee sit down for a well-earned rest, the bowel uncle Frank chirped up and said that if it was all right with her, he would have a wee bite tee ate after all, on account of him now feelin’ rather hungry. Well Geebee could see from the expression on Maud’s face that she wasn’t none too playsed and that no it wasn’t all right with her and that if he really wanted tee know what would be all right with her, it would be for him tee fuck off out of it back til England and the sooner the fuckin’ better. But she somehow managed not tee tell him her true feelings. Instead she gave him a rather sickly smile and forced herself tee say through clenched teeth “certainly Frank”. And she went out once more intil the kitchen and cooked up a big Ulster fry for him.
Well, when she eventually had it all cooked, she put it down in front him and bejaysus, he took intil it leck he hadn’t seen grub for a lough of weeks. My goodness, but he had the plate completely cleared within a couple of minutes and, tee show his contentment, he follyed it all up with a string of burps, the ignorant bastard! Well anyway, this was follyed by a lot more hot air from him and he kept Maud and Thomas up until two o’clock in the mornin’ with all his hashin’. However, when eventually Frank began tee yawn, Maud was that relieved at the prospect of at last bein’ able tee get til her bed that she momentarily felt asorta kindly towards him.
“Now, if you feel hungry durin’ the night Frank,” she said, “there’s a few things in the pantry.” Well do you know what the owl whoer did! At around four o’clock in the mornin’, he got up and went down intil the pantry and bejaysus, he ate more than half the roast, cut intil every single newly baked cake and then finished off this here late night snack with a big helpin’ of trifle and cream. And back off til bed he went contented.
Well Geebee didn’t need no alarm clock tee wake him up the next mornin’. Bejaysus, there was an almighty explosion which almost lifted the roof off the house and he could tell that, guest or no guest in the house, Maud was gonna really let rip at someone. But what really bothered Geebee was that he could tell from the thump, thump, thump of her feet that she was headin’ in his direction. So Geebee jumped out of bed and rushed over til his doer as quick as he could, because Maud was always a terra fond of shootin’ first and askin’ questions after and, generally spaykin’, she was forever blamin’ Geebee for anythin’ that ever went wrong around the place. Bejaysus, Geebee just managed tee lock the doer in time, for not more than one second later, he heard her at the doer handle, pushin’ and pullin’, tryin’ tee get in at him. When that didn’t work she put her shoulder til the doer and it damned nearly caved in, because she was some heifer of a woman, let me tell yee.
“What have you done with the roast, yee useless get, yee?” she scraymed. Jaysus, Geebee couldn’t get a word in edgeways and the doer was bulgin’ and creakin’. So he decided that maybe it’d be an opportune moment for tee abandon ship and bate a hasty retreat via the windy. But just as he was openin’ the windy, he heard uncle Frank’s bedroom doer openin’.
“What’s the matter?” he heard uncle Frank askin’ in a casual, friendly sort of way.
“I spent the most of last night cookin’ a lovely roast and a whole pile of other nice things for the weemen’s institute meetin’ theday and that rat in there has gone and ate the most of the mate and a whole lot else besides,” she roared. Well, there was a kind of a deathly silence for a few moments and then Geebee, with his ear up til the doer, heard Frank startin’ tee stutter.
“W.w.w.well .... a.a.a.actually .... i.i.i.it .... w.w.w.was .... m.m.m.me.”
Bejaysus, for a few seconds you could have heard a pin drop. Then there was another explosion and all hell broke loose. A short time later, when Geebee was layvin’ his room, he found uncle Frank already packin’ his things. Man, there was big tears in his eyes and his face was akinda crumpled.
“But I was only feelin’ a wee bit peckish,” he kept sayin’ til himself, over and over again. Well Geebee wasn’t a bit sorry tee see the back of the owl whoer, although he did regret that he hadn’t had the chance for tee get a secret chat with him about uncle Edward.
But with regard til Maud, she never did have much luck with roasts. Jaysus, there was that time when she got a nice big lump of beef a lough of years before. My goodness, although it cost a fortune, it certainly was one lovely piece of mate! Well anyway, she stuck it in the fridge, shut the doer and got down til layin’ a brand new carpet in the parlour.
Well, durin’ the carpet layin’ process, the bloody hound somehow managed tee open the fridge doer and get a holt of this here roast. Jaysus, the brute ate the whole mate on the roast, layvin’ the bone as clayne as a whistle and the fat til one side. Bejaysus, when Maud saw the damage, she went clayne mad and grabbed a big stick for tee educate the mutt. But then as she was raisin’ the stick for tee batter the poor baste’s brains out, she had second thoughts and decided agin such action on account of the bloody mess that such a ludderin’ would cause. Anyway, even she could see that the milk was spilt (or should I say the roast was long gone down the mutt’s throat) and that there was no point in batin’ the shite out of him, because the no-good useless whoer had no wit and wouldn’t have known what the hell he’d done wrong. So Maud dropped the stick and instead got rid of her anger and frustration by cursin’ him up and down and roarin’ at him in no uncertain terms that he was the most useless, good for nawthin’ whoer of a dog she had ever come across.
Now the dog didn’t understand English too well, but he asorta got the drift from the roars of her and the snout on her that she wasn’t none too playsed with him. And as she ranted and raved, the poor hound looked desperate sad and sorry because it must have dawned on him that he’d done wrong. So tee make amends, he went intil the parlour and spewed the whole roast back up, all over the brand new carpet. Jaysus, Geebee never thought he’d ever hear such bad language from a woman. My goodness, it was a terra. But do you know, the dog became a vegetarian after that – and all of his own free will!
Several days later, Geebee’s uncle Frank - another one of Thomas’s brothers - suddenly arrived from England for tee pay Maud and Thomas an unexpected visit. Well, although they could have done damn well without him, Maud and Thomas tried tee put on leck they was playsed tee see him and as for Geebee, although he didn’t leck the borin’ owl fart, he decided that this time he’d be sweet til him in the hope that perhaps he’d get him tee tell him all what he knew about uncle Edward, before he disappeared off back home til England again.
Now when Maud offered uncle Frank somethin’ tee ate, he said naw, that he’d had somethin’ a wee while before and was so full that the buttons was almost poppin’ off his waistcoat. So when Thomas started tee hash away til him in the front room, Maud went out intil the kitchen for tee cook a roast, bake a whole pile of cakes and make a big trifle for the weemen’s institute meetin’ the next day. Jaysus, she spent until nearly 10 o’clock that night slavin’ away preparin’ all this lovely grub. Then just as she was about tee sit down for a well-earned rest, the bowel uncle Frank chirped up and said that if it was all right with her, he would have a wee bite tee ate after all, on account of him now feelin’ rather hungry. Well Geebee could see from the expression on Maud’s face that she wasn’t none too playsed and that no it wasn’t all right with her and that if he really wanted tee know what would be all right with her, it would be for him tee fuck off out of it back til England and the sooner the fuckin’ better. But she somehow managed not tee tell him her true feelings. Instead she gave him a rather sickly smile and forced herself tee say through clenched teeth “certainly Frank”. And she went out once more intil the kitchen and cooked up a big Ulster fry for him.
Well, when she eventually had it all cooked, she put it down in front him and bejaysus, he took intil it leck he hadn’t seen grub for a lough of weeks. My goodness, but he had the plate completely cleared within a couple of minutes and, tee show his contentment, he follyed it all up with a string of burps, the ignorant bastard! Well anyway, this was follyed by a lot more hot air from him and he kept Maud and Thomas up until two o’clock in the mornin’ with all his hashin’. However, when eventually Frank began tee yawn, Maud was that relieved at the prospect of at last bein’ able tee get til her bed that she momentarily felt asorta kindly towards him.
“Now, if you feel hungry durin’ the night Frank,” she said, “there’s a few things in the pantry.” Well do you know what the owl whoer did! At around four o’clock in the mornin’, he got up and went down intil the pantry and bejaysus, he ate more than half the roast, cut intil every single newly baked cake and then finished off this here late night snack with a big helpin’ of trifle and cream. And back off til bed he went contented.
Well Geebee didn’t need no alarm clock tee wake him up the next mornin’. Bejaysus, there was an almighty explosion which almost lifted the roof off the house and he could tell that, guest or no guest in the house, Maud was gonna really let rip at someone. But what really bothered Geebee was that he could tell from the thump, thump, thump of her feet that she was headin’ in his direction. So Geebee jumped out of bed and rushed over til his doer as quick as he could, because Maud was always a terra fond of shootin’ first and askin’ questions after and, generally spaykin’, she was forever blamin’ Geebee for anythin’ that ever went wrong around the place. Bejaysus, Geebee just managed tee lock the doer in time, for not more than one second later, he heard her at the doer handle, pushin’ and pullin’, tryin’ tee get in at him. When that didn’t work she put her shoulder til the doer and it damned nearly caved in, because she was some heifer of a woman, let me tell yee.
“What have you done with the roast, yee useless get, yee?” she scraymed. Jaysus, Geebee couldn’t get a word in edgeways and the doer was bulgin’ and creakin’. So he decided that maybe it’d be an opportune moment for tee abandon ship and bate a hasty retreat via the windy. But just as he was openin’ the windy, he heard uncle Frank’s bedroom doer openin’.
“What’s the matter?” he heard uncle Frank askin’ in a casual, friendly sort of way.
“I spent the most of last night cookin’ a lovely roast and a whole pile of other nice things for the weemen’s institute meetin’ theday and that rat in there has gone and ate the most of the mate and a whole lot else besides,” she roared. Well, there was a kind of a deathly silence for a few moments and then Geebee, with his ear up til the doer, heard Frank startin’ tee stutter.
“W.w.w.well .... a.a.a.actually .... i.i.i.it .... w.w.w.was .... m.m.m.me.”
Bejaysus, for a few seconds you could have heard a pin drop. Then there was another explosion and all hell broke loose. A short time later, when Geebee was layvin’ his room, he found uncle Frank already packin’ his things. Man, there was big tears in his eyes and his face was akinda crumpled.
“But I was only feelin’ a wee bit peckish,” he kept sayin’ til himself, over and over again. Well Geebee wasn’t a bit sorry tee see the back of the owl whoer, although he did regret that he hadn’t had the chance for tee get a secret chat with him about uncle Edward.
But with regard til Maud, she never did have much luck with roasts. Jaysus, there was that time when she got a nice big lump of beef a lough of years before. My goodness, although it cost a fortune, it certainly was one lovely piece of mate! Well anyway, she stuck it in the fridge, shut the doer and got down til layin’ a brand new carpet in the parlour.
Well, durin’ the carpet layin’ process, the bloody hound somehow managed tee open the fridge doer and get a holt of this here roast. Jaysus, the brute ate the whole mate on the roast, layvin’ the bone as clayne as a whistle and the fat til one side. Bejaysus, when Maud saw the damage, she went clayne mad and grabbed a big stick for tee educate the mutt. But then as she was raisin’ the stick for tee batter the poor baste’s brains out, she had second thoughts and decided agin such action on account of the bloody mess that such a ludderin’ would cause. Anyway, even she could see that the milk was spilt (or should I say the roast was long gone down the mutt’s throat) and that there was no point in batin’ the shite out of him, because the no-good useless whoer had no wit and wouldn’t have known what the hell he’d done wrong. So Maud dropped the stick and instead got rid of her anger and frustration by cursin’ him up and down and roarin’ at him in no uncertain terms that he was the most useless, good for nawthin’ whoer of a dog she had ever come across.
Now the dog didn’t understand English too well, but he asorta got the drift from the roars of her and the snout on her that she wasn’t none too playsed with him. And as she ranted and raved, the poor hound looked desperate sad and sorry because it must have dawned on him that he’d done wrong. So tee make amends, he went intil the parlour and spewed the whole roast back up, all over the brand new carpet. Jaysus, Geebee never thought he’d ever hear such bad language from a woman. My goodness, it was a terra. But do you know, the dog became a vegetarian after that – and all of his own free will!
Chapter 9
The next day, Geebee awoke with a big grin on his chops. It was Friday and the big day had arrived at last - Herby’s weddin’ til Rita. Jumpin’ out of bed with a buck lape, Geebee decided that since it was gonna be such a big do and he was gonna be Herby’s best man, he’d better take a bit of a wash, as cowl as the water was, and have a wee shave besides.
Jaysus, Geebee felt that playsed about the prospect of all the lovely things tee come that day that he even managed tee smile at Maud when he went downstairs. Needless tee say, she was that surprised, she damned near fainted. However, when she recovered her composure, she even managed tee give him a wee smile back. Now, it was that long since Geebee had last seen her smile that he was a wee bit surprised her sour owl face didn’t crack. But it did make him wonder how far she’d go and so he decided tee find out.
“Could you lend us a few quid, I’m a bit short?” he asked her. Well, her smile disappeared in a flash and it was back til the normal owl sourpuss he was so used til lookin’ at. So he asorta took it from the expression on her face that her answer was definitely no. But because he really was a wee bit short on the readies, he decided that if the opportunity was tee arise, he’d have a wee look through her handbag when she wasn’t lookin’, for tee see if there was enough fivers in there for her not tee miss one.
As Geebee was havin’ his breakfast, he couldn’t help but smile again when he thought about Herby. What a header! Jaysus, Rita wasn’t even up the duff and yet there he was marryin’ her. But what made it even worse was that she hadn’t got no money and nobody in their right mind would marry a woman unless she had a good figure - a good figure in the bank that is. Aye, Herby really should have had a bit more wit. However, he’d tolt Geebee that he loved Rita, whatever that meant. But what really made Geebee smile was the prospect of seein’ poor Herby havin’ tee kiss his mother-in-law Bertha at some stage durin’ the day, because Herby had tolt him that he’d rather kiss a sow’s arse than that miserable owl battle-axe. As for Rita, although Herby wasn’t a bad fellow, Geebee just couldn’t understand what she saw in him. I mane, he wasn’t really good for anythin’ but drinkin’, smokin’ and generally arsin’ about and the sort of character that Methodists leck Rita and Bertha normally looked down upon.
But with regard til smokin’, Herby was a desperate boy for the fegs. Jaysus, he never seemed tee be without one in his gob and no matter what time day or night it was, he’d always have a feg danglin’ out of the corner of his mouth. In fact, it was as much a permanent feature on his face as his nose. Aye, and in the same way that some footballers have tremendous ball control, Herby’s feg control was equally fantastic. Funnily enough though, he hardly ever put one finger on any of the fegs he smoked. He’d hold the feg packet up til his gob, extract one with his teeth and then light it up, never once usin’ his hand in the whole operation. And from the moment a feg was lit, it never left his gob until he’d finished it, when he’d spit it out and stamp on it. But yee know, when he’d be standin’ there talkin’ til you with a feg in his gob, he’d run the feg all round his mouth, move it from side til side and up and down, and de-ash it with a flick of his lips, lob out gruesome lumps of green phlegm, drink big pints of stout, and laugh, cry and talk words of great wisdom and never once would the feg ever lavye his mouth. Jaysus, people used tee sometimes wonder if the whoer didn’t sleep with a feg on. They was also sure that Herby was so addicted til fegs that when his time came, they’d have tee put fegs in the coffin along with him, for there was no doubt that if he went til hell without them, he’d be in a worse kinda nightmare than all the other whoers doin’ time down there, on account of the ghastly nicotine withdrawal symptoms he’d inevitably be sufferin’ from.
Well, although Geebee hung about for a brave long time, he just couldn’t get near Maud’s handbag without bein’ seen. So as time was now passin’ real quick, he decided he’d have tee press on because there was still some very important business tee be done before Herby’s “execution”. So he got himself gathered up and went tee layve the house. But that’s when Maud surprised him once more.
“You look very smart and tidy,” she said, smilin’ at him again. Geebee felt a wee bit embarrassed and cringed. At the same time he wondered if there was still any hope regardin’ gettin’ a lough of bobs from her. But she must have read his mind, for once again her smile disappeared in a flash and it was back til the usual owl sourpuss that’d make milk go bad quicker than it’d take a cat tee clayne a whisker.
Well anyway, when Geebee arrived at Herby’s, Herby was shytin’ himself. He was so white lookin’ that Geebee tolt him that a vampire bat must have been at him durin’ the night. But jokin’ aside, Geebee was akinda worried about Herby, for he was afeared that if he wasn’t fit tee go through with the weddin’, then they’d call it all off and there’d be no weddin’ reception and therefore no free booze nor eegitin’ about. So Geebee decided there and then that no matter what, he was gonna get Herby up til the church on time. So he went out of his way tee cheer him up and reassure him and do all that other owl stuff that a best man is expected tee do.
It was later when they was all set tee go that Herby’s nuisance of a mother decided she wanted tee show Geebee the weddin’ presents that had arrived at their house earlier on in mornin’. So he reluctantly follyed her intil the parlour.
“Mind you,” she said, “the most of them are over at Rita’s.”
Jaysus, Geebee couldn’t hardly believe his eyes! There was stacks and stacks of things that must have cost a fortune and broken the hearts of a lot of the whoers who’d felt obliged tee buy them.
“They’re very nice,” Geebee said, tryin’ his best tee sound enthusiastic. But really he was thinkin’ “what an awful waste of good drinkin’ money”. But it did set Geebee athinkin’ and he decided there and then, that if any lassie he was goin’ out with became a baker and got a bun in the oven, he’d sicken a few arses, let there be no doubt about that. He’d invite a thousand guests, get a thousand weddin’ presents and then he’d give all the guests tay and buns at the reception, which would only last 10 minutes, because he’d have tee be on his way for tee ketch the plane til the Bahamas - on his lone. Jaysus, the money he’d get for the presents would last him at least a year. Aye, they’d laugh plenty when they’d hear about the bun in the oven. But, bejaysus, he’d get the last laugh.
Well anyway, Geebee and Herby headed for town because Herby had tee get the dole first, which was very important on account of the both of them bein’ near broke. Geebee was of course real glad the weddin’ wasn’t until 1.00 p.m. The praycher had actually wanted it tee be at 10.30 a.m., but they’d objected so much that he’d eventually had tee agree til their wishes. After all, 10.30 a.m. wouldn’t have suited them at all. Sure, none of the pubs was open at 10.30 a.m. and they wasn’t the sort of boyos tee go til no damned weddin’ sober.
But what a time they’d had chattin’ til the praycher about the weddin’ arrangements. He’d wanted tee take the whole thing desperate seriously, which didn’t suit Geebee and Herby at all. Sure, wasn’t it bad enough for Herby that he was gettin’ hung, without the praycher complicatin’ things and makin’ it gloomy and depressin’ for him. As far as they was concerned, the weddin’ was just a formality that had tee be got through as soon as possible and they wasn’t interested in wastin’ good drinkin’ time on a whole pile of religious mumbo-jumbo! All they wanted was tee get Herby spliced as quick as poss in the church and then be out of there and down intil the pub for a lough of good drinks.
But the praycher hadn’t been the only sneg. Rita’s ma Bertha was such a damned good Methodist that she had said that she didn’t want no drink at the reception afterwards. Now what sort of a do would that have been without a drop of booze! So Geebee had tee go til great lengths tee persuade her that they’d have tee compromise and allow everyone at least one wee drink for tee toast the bride and groom. Although she was obviously none too happy, she eventually did cave in and agree. Bejaysus, Geebee damn nearly shouted Halleluiah, for he knew fine well that the “one wee drink” would quickly turn intil a whole pile, with Betha footin’ the whole bill!
Well, after Herby had got his dole and Billy had opened the pub doers at last, Geebee and Herby and a few others all piled in. Bejaysus, what a session it was! Everyone wanted tee buy Herby whiskies and because Geebee was best man, they had to set them up til him too. Jaysus, it was paradise and Geebee never had tee put his hand intil his pocket once. However, by the time it came til 12.45 p.m., Herby was well and truly stove and staggerin’ about all over the place.
“Now you’ve have had enough, Herby,” said Billy, who was obviously rather concerned by the shape of him. “Anyway, yous’ll have to be on your way up til the church now or yous’ll be late.” Well that sorta sickened Geebee’s arse because the other boys was still buyin’. But what must be must be.
“Give us a big bottle, Billy,” said Geebee, noddin’ at all the half’uns on the bar counter that Herby had left untouched. After Billy gave him one, he poured all of Herby’s half’uns intil it.
“I’ll make sure he gets these later,” he said, although both Billy and he knew fine well that he had no such intention and that Herby would never see them again, for the last journey that those half’uns would do, would be the journey down Geebee’s throat.
What a haul it was carryin’ Herby up that hill til the church. Now, although Herby’s feg was in good condition, he definitely wasn’t. Jaysus, his eyes was closed, he was groanin’ and he wouldn’t let go of his crotch.
“Jaysus I’m bustin’ for a piss,” he began tee say fierce urgently, over and over again.
“Okay, okay, not much further,” said Geebee, tryin’ all the while tee remember whether there was a shithouse up at the church, for if there wasn’t, it’d be real bad news as far as Herby was concerned, because it’d mane he’d be left no choice but tee piss his pants, which would be desperate. So tee be on the safe side, Geebee pulled him in behind some bushes, where Herby pissed til his heart’s content.
As they got near the church, Herby started retchin’, which really worried Geebee, for he realised that if they was in the church and Herby puked up, he might put a shower of it all over Geebee and his good suit. So Geebee tolt him that if he felt he was definitely gonna be sick, he should do it in that yoke that they use for tee wet babies’ heads when they’re baptisin’ them, because it’d be better for him tee fill that full of vomit than cover Geebee, Rita and the praycher with it.
Needless tee say, all the locial vultures was hangin’ around the church doer, watchin’ and gawkin’ and talkin’, really exercisin’ their tongues and some of them was smirkin’ at the sight of Herby staggerin’ about, which got Geebee so riz up that if he hadn’t been holdin’ Herby up, he’d probably have kicked some whoer’s arse good and proper.
Well, it was at this point that Bertha suddenly appeared from the church lookin’ fierce agitated and she started havin’ such a real go at them for arrivin’ so late. Geebee felt leck tellin’ her in no uncertain terms tee shut her mouth, that it was better late than never. But of course he said nawthin’, although the expression on his face said plenty. Then suddenly, this big fat, rough hand came whistlin’ through the air and slapped the feg right out of Herby’s mouth and from then on till after the ceremony was over, poor Herby had no choice but tee suck on air, leck a fish out of water. Although Geebee knew that there was no way Herby could be let smoke in the church, he thought that it was a desperate thing for Bertha tee have done til his mate. His first instinct had been tee rare up and say somethin’ about it til her, but once again he said nawthin’.
It was dark and gloomy inside the church and someone was playin’ this real mournful organ music. Jaysus, it was so depressin’, but, in a way, rather appropriate. As for Herby, he was almost out til the world. So Geebee literally had tee drag him up til the altar. Now, the praycher didn’t look none too happy at the sight of Herby. So Geebee layned forward and tolt him that Herby was actually okay and that he was just sufferin’ from nerves. Bejaysus, the praycher immediately jumped back a couple of foot and screwed up his face. At first Geebee didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him until it suddenly dawned on him that because he was a Methodist, the smell of whisky off Geebee’s breath was probably leck poison til him.
Well, the praycher got on with the service and someway, one way or another, they managed tee get through it all, although nobody was all that convinced from the way Herby’s eyes was rollin’ in his head and the way the big spittles was rollin’ down his chin that he was all that sure where the hell he was or what was goin’ on. But it was when the ceremony was over that the fun really started. First of all, Herby hit the flooer with a crash and then while Geebee was tryin’ tee help him up, owl Bertha lost the head completely and hit Geebee a box on the ear, which resulted in him fallin’ head over shite on top of Herby.
“Get out of my church, you animals!” snarled the praycher. Geebee could see from the look on his face that he wasn’t coddin’ and that maybe it really was a good time tee layve.
Well, after Geebee managed tee get Herby outside, he noticed his lips was pursed and that he was suckin’ leck a wee piglet at a sow’s tits. So because Geebee knew Herby would probably die if he didn’t do somethin’ real quick, he jabbed a feg in Herby’s gob and lit it. A smile immediately covered Herby’s face. Then he went akinda green and suddenly the vomit came out of him leck a fountain and flowed all over the place, with the feg floatin’ through it all leck a wee boat. So Geebee had no choice but tee stick another feg in the groove in the corner of Herby’s mouth and light it.
Man, it was great tee be out of that gloomy church and in the lovely warm sunshine. It was then that all the people started throwin’ rice and confetti. Well, it wasn’t the confetti that bothered Geebee but the rice, for it was brave sharp stuff. But he didn’t really pass no remarks until some big doll with double-glazed goggles on, hit him a stingin’ rap on his swollen ear with a handful of rice. Bejaysus, he damned nearly rared up on her. But of course he said nawthin’.
Suddenly a big cloud blotted out the sun and the rain began tee fall. So they all knew it was time tee go. The boyos jumped intil the cars and left the weemen, bride and all, tee make their own way til the reception in the pig van and whatever other vehicles was left. Now the buckos was all akinda druthy, so because there was still some spare time before the reception started, they stopped at a pub and they all piled in. Of coourse, all the weemen started croakin’ leck fuck, but the boys just ignored them and left them sittin’ outside tee watch the rain run down the car windies. Jaysus, what a session it looked leck it was gonna be! Everybody was in the best of good form, chattin’ and laughin’, singin’ and tellin’ jokes. Sure it was the best of good crack and the best of good valyeh. As for Herby, after bein’ sick outside the church and bringin’ up a lot of that owl whisky, sure he was now in great form and fit for another big feed of drink. But then suddenly the doer blasted open and Jaysus, for a moment or two, Geebee thought the IRA must have let off a bum outside. But it was worse, it was Bertha.
“Come on you lot, OUT!!!!” she roared. Jaysus, all the other boys immediately drank up and, all meek and mild-leck, they fled leck rabbits out of the place. Jaysus, what a woman! As for Geebee, he got in behind Herby, because although he was by now quite full, he could still feel his ear stingin’ and he wanted tee keep well out of range of Bertha’s big thick right hand. And the pair of them staggered out after the others.
The next day, Geebee awoke with a big grin on his chops. It was Friday and the big day had arrived at last - Herby’s weddin’ til Rita. Jumpin’ out of bed with a buck lape, Geebee decided that since it was gonna be such a big do and he was gonna be Herby’s best man, he’d better take a bit of a wash, as cowl as the water was, and have a wee shave besides.
Jaysus, Geebee felt that playsed about the prospect of all the lovely things tee come that day that he even managed tee smile at Maud when he went downstairs. Needless tee say, she was that surprised, she damned near fainted. However, when she recovered her composure, she even managed tee give him a wee smile back. Now, it was that long since Geebee had last seen her smile that he was a wee bit surprised her sour owl face didn’t crack. But it did make him wonder how far she’d go and so he decided tee find out.
“Could you lend us a few quid, I’m a bit short?” he asked her. Well, her smile disappeared in a flash and it was back til the normal owl sourpuss he was so used til lookin’ at. So he asorta took it from the expression on her face that her answer was definitely no. But because he really was a wee bit short on the readies, he decided that if the opportunity was tee arise, he’d have a wee look through her handbag when she wasn’t lookin’, for tee see if there was enough fivers in there for her not tee miss one.
As Geebee was havin’ his breakfast, he couldn’t help but smile again when he thought about Herby. What a header! Jaysus, Rita wasn’t even up the duff and yet there he was marryin’ her. But what made it even worse was that she hadn’t got no money and nobody in their right mind would marry a woman unless she had a good figure - a good figure in the bank that is. Aye, Herby really should have had a bit more wit. However, he’d tolt Geebee that he loved Rita, whatever that meant. But what really made Geebee smile was the prospect of seein’ poor Herby havin’ tee kiss his mother-in-law Bertha at some stage durin’ the day, because Herby had tolt him that he’d rather kiss a sow’s arse than that miserable owl battle-axe. As for Rita, although Herby wasn’t a bad fellow, Geebee just couldn’t understand what she saw in him. I mane, he wasn’t really good for anythin’ but drinkin’, smokin’ and generally arsin’ about and the sort of character that Methodists leck Rita and Bertha normally looked down upon.
But with regard til smokin’, Herby was a desperate boy for the fegs. Jaysus, he never seemed tee be without one in his gob and no matter what time day or night it was, he’d always have a feg danglin’ out of the corner of his mouth. In fact, it was as much a permanent feature on his face as his nose. Aye, and in the same way that some footballers have tremendous ball control, Herby’s feg control was equally fantastic. Funnily enough though, he hardly ever put one finger on any of the fegs he smoked. He’d hold the feg packet up til his gob, extract one with his teeth and then light it up, never once usin’ his hand in the whole operation. And from the moment a feg was lit, it never left his gob until he’d finished it, when he’d spit it out and stamp on it. But yee know, when he’d be standin’ there talkin’ til you with a feg in his gob, he’d run the feg all round his mouth, move it from side til side and up and down, and de-ash it with a flick of his lips, lob out gruesome lumps of green phlegm, drink big pints of stout, and laugh, cry and talk words of great wisdom and never once would the feg ever lavye his mouth. Jaysus, people used tee sometimes wonder if the whoer didn’t sleep with a feg on. They was also sure that Herby was so addicted til fegs that when his time came, they’d have tee put fegs in the coffin along with him, for there was no doubt that if he went til hell without them, he’d be in a worse kinda nightmare than all the other whoers doin’ time down there, on account of the ghastly nicotine withdrawal symptoms he’d inevitably be sufferin’ from.
Well, although Geebee hung about for a brave long time, he just couldn’t get near Maud’s handbag without bein’ seen. So as time was now passin’ real quick, he decided he’d have tee press on because there was still some very important business tee be done before Herby’s “execution”. So he got himself gathered up and went tee layve the house. But that’s when Maud surprised him once more.
“You look very smart and tidy,” she said, smilin’ at him again. Geebee felt a wee bit embarrassed and cringed. At the same time he wondered if there was still any hope regardin’ gettin’ a lough of bobs from her. But she must have read his mind, for once again her smile disappeared in a flash and it was back til the usual owl sourpuss that’d make milk go bad quicker than it’d take a cat tee clayne a whisker.
Well anyway, when Geebee arrived at Herby’s, Herby was shytin’ himself. He was so white lookin’ that Geebee tolt him that a vampire bat must have been at him durin’ the night. But jokin’ aside, Geebee was akinda worried about Herby, for he was afeared that if he wasn’t fit tee go through with the weddin’, then they’d call it all off and there’d be no weddin’ reception and therefore no free booze nor eegitin’ about. So Geebee decided there and then that no matter what, he was gonna get Herby up til the church on time. So he went out of his way tee cheer him up and reassure him and do all that other owl stuff that a best man is expected tee do.
It was later when they was all set tee go that Herby’s nuisance of a mother decided she wanted tee show Geebee the weddin’ presents that had arrived at their house earlier on in mornin’. So he reluctantly follyed her intil the parlour.
“Mind you,” she said, “the most of them are over at Rita’s.”
Jaysus, Geebee couldn’t hardly believe his eyes! There was stacks and stacks of things that must have cost a fortune and broken the hearts of a lot of the whoers who’d felt obliged tee buy them.
“They’re very nice,” Geebee said, tryin’ his best tee sound enthusiastic. But really he was thinkin’ “what an awful waste of good drinkin’ money”. But it did set Geebee athinkin’ and he decided there and then, that if any lassie he was goin’ out with became a baker and got a bun in the oven, he’d sicken a few arses, let there be no doubt about that. He’d invite a thousand guests, get a thousand weddin’ presents and then he’d give all the guests tay and buns at the reception, which would only last 10 minutes, because he’d have tee be on his way for tee ketch the plane til the Bahamas - on his lone. Jaysus, the money he’d get for the presents would last him at least a year. Aye, they’d laugh plenty when they’d hear about the bun in the oven. But, bejaysus, he’d get the last laugh.
Well anyway, Geebee and Herby headed for town because Herby had tee get the dole first, which was very important on account of the both of them bein’ near broke. Geebee was of course real glad the weddin’ wasn’t until 1.00 p.m. The praycher had actually wanted it tee be at 10.30 a.m., but they’d objected so much that he’d eventually had tee agree til their wishes. After all, 10.30 a.m. wouldn’t have suited them at all. Sure, none of the pubs was open at 10.30 a.m. and they wasn’t the sort of boyos tee go til no damned weddin’ sober.
But what a time they’d had chattin’ til the praycher about the weddin’ arrangements. He’d wanted tee take the whole thing desperate seriously, which didn’t suit Geebee and Herby at all. Sure, wasn’t it bad enough for Herby that he was gettin’ hung, without the praycher complicatin’ things and makin’ it gloomy and depressin’ for him. As far as they was concerned, the weddin’ was just a formality that had tee be got through as soon as possible and they wasn’t interested in wastin’ good drinkin’ time on a whole pile of religious mumbo-jumbo! All they wanted was tee get Herby spliced as quick as poss in the church and then be out of there and down intil the pub for a lough of good drinks.
But the praycher hadn’t been the only sneg. Rita’s ma Bertha was such a damned good Methodist that she had said that she didn’t want no drink at the reception afterwards. Now what sort of a do would that have been without a drop of booze! So Geebee had tee go til great lengths tee persuade her that they’d have tee compromise and allow everyone at least one wee drink for tee toast the bride and groom. Although she was obviously none too happy, she eventually did cave in and agree. Bejaysus, Geebee damn nearly shouted Halleluiah, for he knew fine well that the “one wee drink” would quickly turn intil a whole pile, with Betha footin’ the whole bill!
Well, after Herby had got his dole and Billy had opened the pub doers at last, Geebee and Herby and a few others all piled in. Bejaysus, what a session it was! Everyone wanted tee buy Herby whiskies and because Geebee was best man, they had to set them up til him too. Jaysus, it was paradise and Geebee never had tee put his hand intil his pocket once. However, by the time it came til 12.45 p.m., Herby was well and truly stove and staggerin’ about all over the place.
“Now you’ve have had enough, Herby,” said Billy, who was obviously rather concerned by the shape of him. “Anyway, yous’ll have to be on your way up til the church now or yous’ll be late.” Well that sorta sickened Geebee’s arse because the other boys was still buyin’. But what must be must be.
“Give us a big bottle, Billy,” said Geebee, noddin’ at all the half’uns on the bar counter that Herby had left untouched. After Billy gave him one, he poured all of Herby’s half’uns intil it.
“I’ll make sure he gets these later,” he said, although both Billy and he knew fine well that he had no such intention and that Herby would never see them again, for the last journey that those half’uns would do, would be the journey down Geebee’s throat.
What a haul it was carryin’ Herby up that hill til the church. Now, although Herby’s feg was in good condition, he definitely wasn’t. Jaysus, his eyes was closed, he was groanin’ and he wouldn’t let go of his crotch.
“Jaysus I’m bustin’ for a piss,” he began tee say fierce urgently, over and over again.
“Okay, okay, not much further,” said Geebee, tryin’ all the while tee remember whether there was a shithouse up at the church, for if there wasn’t, it’d be real bad news as far as Herby was concerned, because it’d mane he’d be left no choice but tee piss his pants, which would be desperate. So tee be on the safe side, Geebee pulled him in behind some bushes, where Herby pissed til his heart’s content.
As they got near the church, Herby started retchin’, which really worried Geebee, for he realised that if they was in the church and Herby puked up, he might put a shower of it all over Geebee and his good suit. So Geebee tolt him that if he felt he was definitely gonna be sick, he should do it in that yoke that they use for tee wet babies’ heads when they’re baptisin’ them, because it’d be better for him tee fill that full of vomit than cover Geebee, Rita and the praycher with it.
Needless tee say, all the locial vultures was hangin’ around the church doer, watchin’ and gawkin’ and talkin’, really exercisin’ their tongues and some of them was smirkin’ at the sight of Herby staggerin’ about, which got Geebee so riz up that if he hadn’t been holdin’ Herby up, he’d probably have kicked some whoer’s arse good and proper.
Well, it was at this point that Bertha suddenly appeared from the church lookin’ fierce agitated and she started havin’ such a real go at them for arrivin’ so late. Geebee felt leck tellin’ her in no uncertain terms tee shut her mouth, that it was better late than never. But of course he said nawthin’, although the expression on his face said plenty. Then suddenly, this big fat, rough hand came whistlin’ through the air and slapped the feg right out of Herby’s mouth and from then on till after the ceremony was over, poor Herby had no choice but tee suck on air, leck a fish out of water. Although Geebee knew that there was no way Herby could be let smoke in the church, he thought that it was a desperate thing for Bertha tee have done til his mate. His first instinct had been tee rare up and say somethin’ about it til her, but once again he said nawthin’.
It was dark and gloomy inside the church and someone was playin’ this real mournful organ music. Jaysus, it was so depressin’, but, in a way, rather appropriate. As for Herby, he was almost out til the world. So Geebee literally had tee drag him up til the altar. Now, the praycher didn’t look none too happy at the sight of Herby. So Geebee layned forward and tolt him that Herby was actually okay and that he was just sufferin’ from nerves. Bejaysus, the praycher immediately jumped back a couple of foot and screwed up his face. At first Geebee didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him until it suddenly dawned on him that because he was a Methodist, the smell of whisky off Geebee’s breath was probably leck poison til him.
Well, the praycher got on with the service and someway, one way or another, they managed tee get through it all, although nobody was all that convinced from the way Herby’s eyes was rollin’ in his head and the way the big spittles was rollin’ down his chin that he was all that sure where the hell he was or what was goin’ on. But it was when the ceremony was over that the fun really started. First of all, Herby hit the flooer with a crash and then while Geebee was tryin’ tee help him up, owl Bertha lost the head completely and hit Geebee a box on the ear, which resulted in him fallin’ head over shite on top of Herby.
“Get out of my church, you animals!” snarled the praycher. Geebee could see from the look on his face that he wasn’t coddin’ and that maybe it really was a good time tee layve.
Well, after Geebee managed tee get Herby outside, he noticed his lips was pursed and that he was suckin’ leck a wee piglet at a sow’s tits. So because Geebee knew Herby would probably die if he didn’t do somethin’ real quick, he jabbed a feg in Herby’s gob and lit it. A smile immediately covered Herby’s face. Then he went akinda green and suddenly the vomit came out of him leck a fountain and flowed all over the place, with the feg floatin’ through it all leck a wee boat. So Geebee had no choice but tee stick another feg in the groove in the corner of Herby’s mouth and light it.
Man, it was great tee be out of that gloomy church and in the lovely warm sunshine. It was then that all the people started throwin’ rice and confetti. Well, it wasn’t the confetti that bothered Geebee but the rice, for it was brave sharp stuff. But he didn’t really pass no remarks until some big doll with double-glazed goggles on, hit him a stingin’ rap on his swollen ear with a handful of rice. Bejaysus, he damned nearly rared up on her. But of course he said nawthin’.
Suddenly a big cloud blotted out the sun and the rain began tee fall. So they all knew it was time tee go. The boyos jumped intil the cars and left the weemen, bride and all, tee make their own way til the reception in the pig van and whatever other vehicles was left. Now the buckos was all akinda druthy, so because there was still some spare time before the reception started, they stopped at a pub and they all piled in. Of coourse, all the weemen started croakin’ leck fuck, but the boys just ignored them and left them sittin’ outside tee watch the rain run down the car windies. Jaysus, what a session it looked leck it was gonna be! Everybody was in the best of good form, chattin’ and laughin’, singin’ and tellin’ jokes. Sure it was the best of good crack and the best of good valyeh. As for Herby, after bein’ sick outside the church and bringin’ up a lot of that owl whisky, sure he was now in great form and fit for another big feed of drink. But then suddenly the doer blasted open and Jaysus, for a moment or two, Geebee thought the IRA must have let off a bum outside. But it was worse, it was Bertha.
“Come on you lot, OUT!!!!” she roared. Jaysus, all the other boys immediately drank up and, all meek and mild-leck, they fled leck rabbits out of the place. Jaysus, what a woman! As for Geebee, he got in behind Herby, because although he was by now quite full, he could still feel his ear stingin’ and he wanted tee keep well out of range of Bertha’s big thick right hand. And the pair of them staggered out after the others.
Chapter 10
Man, the reception was great. Although Geebee was supposed tee make a speech, he didn’t bother his arse because nearly everyone was as tight as ticks and singin’ and dancin’ and generally carryin’ on, includin’ even Bertha. Aye, at one point, everyone started cheerin’ and, when Geebee turned his head for tee what was goin’ on, he spied owl granite face Bertha gettin’ up on a table and judgin’ from the drunken look on her face, Geebee could only guess that she’d had a go at the orange juice he’d spiked with vodkay. Jaysus, she began tee dance and was liftin’ her skirt and Geebee could see her big white flabby thighs and her huge flowery drawers. My goodness, the sight would have put any man off sex for life.
Although the weddin’ reception went on the whole afternoon and most of the evenin’, it eventually came til an end at around midnight, when everyone started driftin’ home. Geebee was disappointed at this because he was in great form and up for a bit more crack. He was certainly in no mood for goin’ home. But not only that, he was feelin’ more than a little randy on account of all the drink in him and his thoughts inevitably turned til the round boy. So although he knew he’d decided never go near the bowel Gladys again, he had such a good charge of drink in him that he got it intil his head that he really fancied another go at her. Aye, when the drink’s in, the wit’s out and, when the middle leg starts tee walk, the other two have tee folly. So he furtively made his way once again up til her place, threw a few wee pebbles up at her windy and mygod, but if she didn’t come down. Jaysus, she seemed fierce playsed tee see him and once again they crept up til her bedroom, where he started ridin’ her bareback and everythin’ was a lot better this time on account of all the booze that was sloshin’ about inside him. After he’d ridden her for the third time, they both lay back for a wee bit of a rest, both well contented.
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he heard cockerels crowin’ and people movin’ around downstairs and the sound of breakfast things bein’ laid on the kitchen table. Jaysus, he was so happy tee be at home, nice and warm and snug in his own wee bed, until he suddenly realised that he was not at home, nice and snug and warm in his own wee bed, but in Gladys’s bed. He immediately sat up, totally panic-stricken, for he knew that there was absolutely no way that he was gonna be able tee get out of her house without bein’ ketched by her parents. He jumped out of the bed and pulled on his clothes as quick as he could. Of course all this carry-on woke up the bowel Gladys, who wasn’t none too happy neither when she realised the situation. So after a lot of whispered fuckin’ and damnin’ from Geebee and a whole pile of ‘oh deary dear’s’ from Gladys, they eventually came til the conclusion that the best thing would be for Geebee tee get up intil the roof space and stay there until night fell again. So they crept out on til the landin’ and, after he’d climbed up on til her shoulders with the aid of a chair, he managed tee haul himself up intil the roof space without bein’ caught.
He groaned inwardly at the prospect of havin’ tee spend the whole day up there. But not only that, he started frettin’ about how he was gonna explain his absence til owl Maud when he next saw her and he wondered if she’d think he’d run away from home when she found his bed unused and empty and whether she’d laugh or cry. He also thought about uncle Edward. As far as all of Maud and Thomas’s chillder was concerned, Edward was definitely their uncle on account of him bein’ Thomas’s brother. But til Geebee’s way of thinkin’, because he was Alice’s son, there was no way that Edward could be his uncle. However, because Alice had allegedly had an affair with Edward, there was still the chance that, whether he lecked it or not, Edward could possibly be his father, which meant that whereas any of Edward’s offspring would be cousins of Maud and Thomas’s chillder, there was a chance that they could actually be half-brothers and half-sisters til Geebee.
Man, but it was a long owl day! But what made matters worse was the fact that he had nawthin’ tee ate and, as a result, he soon became wake from hunger. Furthermore, because there was no shithouse up there in the attic, he had no choice but tee layve a wee pile in a dark dusty corner and also a few puddles of piss, which he hoped leck hell wouldn’t run down through the ceilin’ and drip, drip, drip down on til Gladys’s mother’s head or intil her owl boy’s cup of tay.
Eventually, after the longest day of his life, darkness fell once again. When Gladys’s parents eventually went til bed and fell asleep, Geebee got ready for tee do a runner. Mind you Gladys was a bit disappointed because, although she was mad keen for him tee ride her before he left, Geebee just didn’t feel up til it. But he soon wished tee hell that he had agreed til her request and stayed a wee while longer, because if he had, he probably wouldn’t have bumped right bang intil that nosey whoer Jiggers when he was slippin’ down Gladys’s lane at one o’clock in the mornin’. I mane, it must have been asorta obvious til Jiggers that Geebee wasn’t visitin’ Gladys’s home for bible lessons at that time of night.
Later, when Geebee got home, the doers was of course all locked and bolted. But he knew from past experience that there’d be no point in rappin’ on the doer, for Maud would just open the upper windy and tell him to “get away til hell out of it, yee wee skitter, yee!”. So he had tee spend the whole night in the owl garden shed outside and he was that cowl and fearful that his teeth was chatterin’ the whole rest of the night. Jaysus, the things Geebee had tee endure for the sake of gettin’ his hole!
Well, the sun rose and the mornin’ came and Maud got up. A very nervous Geebee tried tee slip in through the back doer without bein’ seen. But sure he should have known better and of course, when he was creepin’ through the house on tiptoes and lookin’ back over his shoulder for Maud, sure didn’t he bump slap-bang straight intil her. Needless tee say, he expected tee be immediately subjected til intensive interrogation, because he assumed that she’d probably been worried sick. But once again he should have known better. After all, the only thing that Maud really cared for about him was the rent he brought intil the house each week and, if it hadn’t been for that lolly, he’d have been kicked out on his arse long ago. So there wasn’t one question about where he’d been and furthermore, he could tell from the cut of her that rather than her bein’ worried sick about his unexplained absence, she was, instead, worried sick that he’d come back at all.
“Sergeant Carrothers was up here yesterday lookin’ for yee,” she said coldly, “he wants a wee word with you about Addy McDoo’s car endin’ up in the river on the night of Atchie’s wake.” Geebee tried tee look all puzzled, leck as if he couldn’t think for one minute why the sergeant would be wantin’ a wee word with him. But inside he was shytin’ himself.
“Oh and by the way,” she whispered in a kind of a triumphant way, “your uncle Edward’s been arrested and charged with fraud …. and it says in the paper that by the time they’ve finished with him, he’ll not only end up doin’ time, but he’ll lose every last penny of his ill-gotten gains .... and hell slap it up him, the useless get!”
Well, Geebee didn’t really give a damn about uncle Edward or his predicament, but he sure was glad that Edward had given the bowel Maud something else tee think about rather than him.
Man, the reception was great. Although Geebee was supposed tee make a speech, he didn’t bother his arse because nearly everyone was as tight as ticks and singin’ and dancin’ and generally carryin’ on, includin’ even Bertha. Aye, at one point, everyone started cheerin’ and, when Geebee turned his head for tee what was goin’ on, he spied owl granite face Bertha gettin’ up on a table and judgin’ from the drunken look on her face, Geebee could only guess that she’d had a go at the orange juice he’d spiked with vodkay. Jaysus, she began tee dance and was liftin’ her skirt and Geebee could see her big white flabby thighs and her huge flowery drawers. My goodness, the sight would have put any man off sex for life.
Although the weddin’ reception went on the whole afternoon and most of the evenin’, it eventually came til an end at around midnight, when everyone started driftin’ home. Geebee was disappointed at this because he was in great form and up for a bit more crack. He was certainly in no mood for goin’ home. But not only that, he was feelin’ more than a little randy on account of all the drink in him and his thoughts inevitably turned til the round boy. So although he knew he’d decided never go near the bowel Gladys again, he had such a good charge of drink in him that he got it intil his head that he really fancied another go at her. Aye, when the drink’s in, the wit’s out and, when the middle leg starts tee walk, the other two have tee folly. So he furtively made his way once again up til her place, threw a few wee pebbles up at her windy and mygod, but if she didn’t come down. Jaysus, she seemed fierce playsed tee see him and once again they crept up til her bedroom, where he started ridin’ her bareback and everythin’ was a lot better this time on account of all the booze that was sloshin’ about inside him. After he’d ridden her for the third time, they both lay back for a wee bit of a rest, both well contented.
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he heard cockerels crowin’ and people movin’ around downstairs and the sound of breakfast things bein’ laid on the kitchen table. Jaysus, he was so happy tee be at home, nice and warm and snug in his own wee bed, until he suddenly realised that he was not at home, nice and snug and warm in his own wee bed, but in Gladys’s bed. He immediately sat up, totally panic-stricken, for he knew that there was absolutely no way that he was gonna be able tee get out of her house without bein’ ketched by her parents. He jumped out of the bed and pulled on his clothes as quick as he could. Of course all this carry-on woke up the bowel Gladys, who wasn’t none too happy neither when she realised the situation. So after a lot of whispered fuckin’ and damnin’ from Geebee and a whole pile of ‘oh deary dear’s’ from Gladys, they eventually came til the conclusion that the best thing would be for Geebee tee get up intil the roof space and stay there until night fell again. So they crept out on til the landin’ and, after he’d climbed up on til her shoulders with the aid of a chair, he managed tee haul himself up intil the roof space without bein’ caught.
He groaned inwardly at the prospect of havin’ tee spend the whole day up there. But not only that, he started frettin’ about how he was gonna explain his absence til owl Maud when he next saw her and he wondered if she’d think he’d run away from home when she found his bed unused and empty and whether she’d laugh or cry. He also thought about uncle Edward. As far as all of Maud and Thomas’s chillder was concerned, Edward was definitely their uncle on account of him bein’ Thomas’s brother. But til Geebee’s way of thinkin’, because he was Alice’s son, there was no way that Edward could be his uncle. However, because Alice had allegedly had an affair with Edward, there was still the chance that, whether he lecked it or not, Edward could possibly be his father, which meant that whereas any of Edward’s offspring would be cousins of Maud and Thomas’s chillder, there was a chance that they could actually be half-brothers and half-sisters til Geebee.
Man, but it was a long owl day! But what made matters worse was the fact that he had nawthin’ tee ate and, as a result, he soon became wake from hunger. Furthermore, because there was no shithouse up there in the attic, he had no choice but tee layve a wee pile in a dark dusty corner and also a few puddles of piss, which he hoped leck hell wouldn’t run down through the ceilin’ and drip, drip, drip down on til Gladys’s mother’s head or intil her owl boy’s cup of tay.
Eventually, after the longest day of his life, darkness fell once again. When Gladys’s parents eventually went til bed and fell asleep, Geebee got ready for tee do a runner. Mind you Gladys was a bit disappointed because, although she was mad keen for him tee ride her before he left, Geebee just didn’t feel up til it. But he soon wished tee hell that he had agreed til her request and stayed a wee while longer, because if he had, he probably wouldn’t have bumped right bang intil that nosey whoer Jiggers when he was slippin’ down Gladys’s lane at one o’clock in the mornin’. I mane, it must have been asorta obvious til Jiggers that Geebee wasn’t visitin’ Gladys’s home for bible lessons at that time of night.
Later, when Geebee got home, the doers was of course all locked and bolted. But he knew from past experience that there’d be no point in rappin’ on the doer, for Maud would just open the upper windy and tell him to “get away til hell out of it, yee wee skitter, yee!”. So he had tee spend the whole night in the owl garden shed outside and he was that cowl and fearful that his teeth was chatterin’ the whole rest of the night. Jaysus, the things Geebee had tee endure for the sake of gettin’ his hole!
Well, the sun rose and the mornin’ came and Maud got up. A very nervous Geebee tried tee slip in through the back doer without bein’ seen. But sure he should have known better and of course, when he was creepin’ through the house on tiptoes and lookin’ back over his shoulder for Maud, sure didn’t he bump slap-bang straight intil her. Needless tee say, he expected tee be immediately subjected til intensive interrogation, because he assumed that she’d probably been worried sick. But once again he should have known better. After all, the only thing that Maud really cared for about him was the rent he brought intil the house each week and, if it hadn’t been for that lolly, he’d have been kicked out on his arse long ago. So there wasn’t one question about where he’d been and furthermore, he could tell from the cut of her that rather than her bein’ worried sick about his unexplained absence, she was, instead, worried sick that he’d come back at all.
“Sergeant Carrothers was up here yesterday lookin’ for yee,” she said coldly, “he wants a wee word with you about Addy McDoo’s car endin’ up in the river on the night of Atchie’s wake.” Geebee tried tee look all puzzled, leck as if he couldn’t think for one minute why the sergeant would be wantin’ a wee word with him. But inside he was shytin’ himself.
“Oh and by the way,” she whispered in a kind of a triumphant way, “your uncle Edward’s been arrested and charged with fraud …. and it says in the paper that by the time they’ve finished with him, he’ll not only end up doin’ time, but he’ll lose every last penny of his ill-gotten gains .... and hell slap it up him, the useless get!”
Well, Geebee didn’t really give a damn about uncle Edward or his predicament, but he sure was glad that Edward had given the bowel Maud something else tee think about rather than him.
Chapter 11
After gettin’ off so light with Maud over his unexplained absence, Geebee got the quare gunck when he sauntered intil work on Monday mornin’ about forty minutes late - as had become his wont recently - and found the bowel Stubby had returned from sick leave. Jaysus, Geebee had almost forgot that the wee whoer even existed. So his whole world was immediately turned upside down. But what made it all the worse was that the wee get seemed desperate eager for tee have a few words with Geebee before he’d even had the chance tee take his coat off, have a cup of tay and a good goggle at the tits on page three of the newspaper.
Now this akinda nettled Geebee, because as well as not leckin’ useless whoers chasin’ him about when he wasn’t half woke up, he just couldn’t stand it at all first thing on a Monday mornin’. So Geebee didn’t rush up til Stubby and welcome him back by throwin’ his arms around him. Instead he just glowered at him for tee let him know that he was in no mood at all for any owl shite off him. He also thought about the mutt that had put Stubby out of action for so long with its shite outside the front doer and he started wonderin’ how he could get it tee return and repeat the dose, as soon as it possibly could.
Well anyway, Stubby tolt Geebee tee folly him til his wee office and, although Geebee didn’t want tee go, he had very little choice on account of Stubby bein’ the boss man. Now because Geebee assumed that Stubby would have forgotten all about the “wee chat” he’d wanted with him before that there dog put him out of action, he therefore thought that Stubby just wanted tee have a go at him for bein’ so late. But naw, Geebee was wrong, Stubby hadn’t forgotten the “wee chat” and aye, he did want tee have a go at him for bein’ so late, but not until he’d had words with him on this other matter. The fat wee whoer Stubby sat down and glared up at Geebee through those thick double-glazed glasses of his and Geebee could tell from the snout on him that he wasn’t gonna tell him that he’d been promoted or was gonna get a pay increase or nawthin’ good leck that.
“Yee dirty wee bastard, yee” Stubby snarled, bangin’ on the desk, “I should kill yee for what you’ve done!” Now Geebee was normally a cool sort of dude and well used til people havin’ a go at him and callin’ him names and all that, so usually he didn’t get too excited when anyone ever let rip at him. But this time it was different and he was real shook up at the way Stubby was rarin’ up at him, for although Geebee didn’t leck Stubby (and viceseeversee), he knew nevertheless that he’d never before done nawthin’ tee get Stubby this purple in the face. Although Geebee would lecked tee have tried tee cool him down, Stubby was cursin’ and swearin’ at him that much that Geebee couldn’t get a word in edgeways. And the more het up Stubby became, the more Geebee began tee sorta worry that Stubby would have a heart attack and that maybe he’d have tee give him the kiss of life.
Well eventually, when Stubby had quit rantin’ and ravin’ leck a mad man, he asked Geebee what he had tee say for himself. Now Geebee didn’t know what the hell Stubby had been jabberin’ on about, so what could he say! At the same time, Geebee’s instinct tolt him that his job was on the line and that he’d have tee tread just a wee bit careful. So Geebee gave Stubby a wee smile and tolt him that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. Geebee sorta hoped that these words would cool Stubby down a bit. But instead of that, they had the opposite effect.
“What do yee mane it won’t happen again!” he roared, “are yee tryin’ tee be funny yee cheeky wee bastard, yee?” Geebee shook his head, totally confused.
“Jaysus, when I think of all what I have done for you, yee ungrateful wretch yee” he went on. “I gave you a job here, even though there was far better people after it .... and there’s damn the many bosses would have been as lenient as me and put up with such shite from yee …. and how do yee repay me! .... aye, how do yee repay me!!” Stubby was standin’ up by now and laynin’ over the desk towards Geebee. Geebee could feel the spittles from Stubby’s gob all over his face and the stink of his vile breath damned near made him puke up. But Geebee put up with it because he knew that Stubby was gettin’ near the bottom line and that, at long last, he was gonna find out what the hell it was that he was supposed tee have done wrong.
“After all I’ve done for you, yee wee shite yee,” Stubby raved on, “and yee go and make my wee Eileen pregnant!” For once in his life Geebee was absolutely speechless. Make Stubby’s wee daughter Eileen pregnant! There was absolutely no way that he would ever even contemplate goin’ with her, let alone ride her. As far as Geebee was concerned, Stubby was the ugliest, most revoltin’ and repulsive wee shite that had ever drew breath and his daughter Eileen was such a spittin’ image of him that if he had gone tee kiss her, sure it would be leck kissin’ Stubby himself!! Bejaysus, what an absolutely revoltin’ thought! Aye, if she had been the only woman in the world, Geebee would have gone down til the nearest pig farm lookin’ for a big fat sow wallowin’ in shite rather than tackle her!
Now Geebee couldn’t help it, but for some peculiar raison he smiled (probably from nerves) and when Stubby saw this here wee smile, he got even more excited and bejaysus, the spittles was goin’ in all directions. Next thing he started proddin’ Geebee with his wee podgy finger. Well Geebee had this funny thing about people proddin’ him with their finger and, although he had never hit anyone in his life before, he just saw red and before he could stop himself, he’d drawn out and hit Stubby a box in the mouth, which landed him on his arse in the corner of the room. Needless tee say, Stubby was asorta took aback at what Geebee had just done and although Geebee couldn’t quite make out what the hell he was mumblin’ on about - on account of him holdin’ his jaw - he asorta got the message that his services would no longer be required around the post office.
Well Maud and Thomas wasn’t none too playsed when they larned through the grapevine that Geebee had got the sack with immediate effect and, for the next few days, there was no end of lectures about what a useless get he was and how he’d have tee straighten himself out and get himself another job quick and how he’d have tee stop all his gallivantin’ about and start pullin’ his weight around the house, because it wasn’t no hotel etc etc. Aye, Geebee was left in doubt but that they was absolutely fed up with him and that if he didn’t ‘pull his socks up’ pronto, he’d be out on his arse!
After gettin’ off so light with Maud over his unexplained absence, Geebee got the quare gunck when he sauntered intil work on Monday mornin’ about forty minutes late - as had become his wont recently - and found the bowel Stubby had returned from sick leave. Jaysus, Geebee had almost forgot that the wee whoer even existed. So his whole world was immediately turned upside down. But what made it all the worse was that the wee get seemed desperate eager for tee have a few words with Geebee before he’d even had the chance tee take his coat off, have a cup of tay and a good goggle at the tits on page three of the newspaper.
Now this akinda nettled Geebee, because as well as not leckin’ useless whoers chasin’ him about when he wasn’t half woke up, he just couldn’t stand it at all first thing on a Monday mornin’. So Geebee didn’t rush up til Stubby and welcome him back by throwin’ his arms around him. Instead he just glowered at him for tee let him know that he was in no mood at all for any owl shite off him. He also thought about the mutt that had put Stubby out of action for so long with its shite outside the front doer and he started wonderin’ how he could get it tee return and repeat the dose, as soon as it possibly could.
Well anyway, Stubby tolt Geebee tee folly him til his wee office and, although Geebee didn’t want tee go, he had very little choice on account of Stubby bein’ the boss man. Now because Geebee assumed that Stubby would have forgotten all about the “wee chat” he’d wanted with him before that there dog put him out of action, he therefore thought that Stubby just wanted tee have a go at him for bein’ so late. But naw, Geebee was wrong, Stubby hadn’t forgotten the “wee chat” and aye, he did want tee have a go at him for bein’ so late, but not until he’d had words with him on this other matter. The fat wee whoer Stubby sat down and glared up at Geebee through those thick double-glazed glasses of his and Geebee could tell from the snout on him that he wasn’t gonna tell him that he’d been promoted or was gonna get a pay increase or nawthin’ good leck that.
“Yee dirty wee bastard, yee” Stubby snarled, bangin’ on the desk, “I should kill yee for what you’ve done!” Now Geebee was normally a cool sort of dude and well used til people havin’ a go at him and callin’ him names and all that, so usually he didn’t get too excited when anyone ever let rip at him. But this time it was different and he was real shook up at the way Stubby was rarin’ up at him, for although Geebee didn’t leck Stubby (and viceseeversee), he knew nevertheless that he’d never before done nawthin’ tee get Stubby this purple in the face. Although Geebee would lecked tee have tried tee cool him down, Stubby was cursin’ and swearin’ at him that much that Geebee couldn’t get a word in edgeways. And the more het up Stubby became, the more Geebee began tee sorta worry that Stubby would have a heart attack and that maybe he’d have tee give him the kiss of life.
Well eventually, when Stubby had quit rantin’ and ravin’ leck a mad man, he asked Geebee what he had tee say for himself. Now Geebee didn’t know what the hell Stubby had been jabberin’ on about, so what could he say! At the same time, Geebee’s instinct tolt him that his job was on the line and that he’d have tee tread just a wee bit careful. So Geebee gave Stubby a wee smile and tolt him that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. Geebee sorta hoped that these words would cool Stubby down a bit. But instead of that, they had the opposite effect.
“What do yee mane it won’t happen again!” he roared, “are yee tryin’ tee be funny yee cheeky wee bastard, yee?” Geebee shook his head, totally confused.
“Jaysus, when I think of all what I have done for you, yee ungrateful wretch yee” he went on. “I gave you a job here, even though there was far better people after it .... and there’s damn the many bosses would have been as lenient as me and put up with such shite from yee …. and how do yee repay me! .... aye, how do yee repay me!!” Stubby was standin’ up by now and laynin’ over the desk towards Geebee. Geebee could feel the spittles from Stubby’s gob all over his face and the stink of his vile breath damned near made him puke up. But Geebee put up with it because he knew that Stubby was gettin’ near the bottom line and that, at long last, he was gonna find out what the hell it was that he was supposed tee have done wrong.
“After all I’ve done for you, yee wee shite yee,” Stubby raved on, “and yee go and make my wee Eileen pregnant!” For once in his life Geebee was absolutely speechless. Make Stubby’s wee daughter Eileen pregnant! There was absolutely no way that he would ever even contemplate goin’ with her, let alone ride her. As far as Geebee was concerned, Stubby was the ugliest, most revoltin’ and repulsive wee shite that had ever drew breath and his daughter Eileen was such a spittin’ image of him that if he had gone tee kiss her, sure it would be leck kissin’ Stubby himself!! Bejaysus, what an absolutely revoltin’ thought! Aye, if she had been the only woman in the world, Geebee would have gone down til the nearest pig farm lookin’ for a big fat sow wallowin’ in shite rather than tackle her!
Now Geebee couldn’t help it, but for some peculiar raison he smiled (probably from nerves) and when Stubby saw this here wee smile, he got even more excited and bejaysus, the spittles was goin’ in all directions. Next thing he started proddin’ Geebee with his wee podgy finger. Well Geebee had this funny thing about people proddin’ him with their finger and, although he had never hit anyone in his life before, he just saw red and before he could stop himself, he’d drawn out and hit Stubby a box in the mouth, which landed him on his arse in the corner of the room. Needless tee say, Stubby was asorta took aback at what Geebee had just done and although Geebee couldn’t quite make out what the hell he was mumblin’ on about - on account of him holdin’ his jaw - he asorta got the message that his services would no longer be required around the post office.
Well Maud and Thomas wasn’t none too playsed when they larned through the grapevine that Geebee had got the sack with immediate effect and, for the next few days, there was no end of lectures about what a useless get he was and how he’d have tee straighten himself out and get himself another job quick and how he’d have tee stop all his gallivantin’ about and start pullin’ his weight around the house, because it wasn’t no hotel etc etc. Aye, Geebee was left in doubt but that they was absolutely fed up with him and that if he didn’t ‘pull his socks up’ pronto, he’d be out on his arse!
Chapter 12
But unfortunately for Geebee, things asorta went downhill for him from then on. First off all that Sergeant Carrothers came early one mornin’ for tee have a wee word with Geebee about Addy McDoo’s car and, although Geebee did manage tee deflect him temporarily, he could feel the pressure gradually buildin’ up in him. But what made matters worse was that Geebee knew all the locials was talkin’ about what he’d done til Stubby and was all mockin’ him and laughin’ at him behind his back. So it was no time at all until his head was that turned by all what was goin’ on in his life that he felt leck he was goin’ half-mad in the head, which is why the divil started gettin’ intil him in a real big way. Aye, as the days went by, he began tee feel more and more on edge and soon he felt so frazzled by all the moanin’ from Maud and Thomas and all the jibin’ from all those ones that he met outside on his travels that it wasn’t long until he was on an extremely short fuse, which of coourse inevitably meant it wasn’t gonna be too long until he’d be in trouble yet again.
The next spot of bother he got intil was when he went down til Donny’s pub for tee escape from Maud and Thomas gernin’ on and on at him. When he went intil the joint, he ignored all the digs as best he could and got himself a drink. He then picked up the newspaper on the bar counter, took it over til a nice quiet wee corner and spent over two hours sittin’ there studyin’ the horses. Bejaysus, the more he studied, the more he became sure that he was gonna to win a few quid, which he knew would lift his spirits and cheer him up no end.
When at last Geebee had made his selections, he went over til Donny for tee ask him tee put on his bets and that was when Donny tolt him that he would bet Geebee that none of the horses he’d chosen would win that day. Well Geebee thought that there was a reasonably good chance of him gettin’ a double win. So he took Donny on and held up a tenner. It was at that point that Donny started laughin’, almost fit tee bust. When he was eventually fit tee spayke again, he tolt Geebee that the horses he’d chosen wouldn’t win that day because Geebee had been lookin’ at the previous day’s newspaper. Donny started scraychin’ with laughter again and as he reached over to whisk Geebee’s tenner away, Geebee immediately saw red and ranted and raged at Donny, tellin’ him in no uncertain terms that he was the most evil, obnoxious, hateful bastard that had ever drew breathe. He then picked up a heavy glass ashtray that was on the bar counter and hurled it at the wall, smashin’ it into skittereen. Now although all this put the laughin’ out of Donny, it didn’t really do Geebee a pile of good, for not only was he now barred from Donny’s pub, but reports of the incident got home before he did. Needless tee say, the tonguin’ and lecturin’ started all over again and the pressure needle within him rose even higher.
But things didn’t get any better over the next few days and Geebee was soon in trouble again. It all happened in the very early hours of Thursday mornin’. Geebee was lyin’ in the dark havin’ a feg in bed when he heard this noise from outside. So he got up out the bed and went over til the windy for tee look out and see what was what. Well Jaysus, he couldn’t hardly believe his eyes, for down there in the gloom outside, was this shadowy figure creepin’ out of the backdoer of their house and dukin’ across the backyard with their TV in his arms.
Geebee was just about tee hurl up the windy, stick his head out and start bawlin’ at the top of his voice “Oie you, yee fuckin’ bastard, yee, where do yee think you’re goin’ with our TV!” But then he suddenly remembered where he was and that there wasn’t really damn the much he could do at all. Aye, Geebee’s problem was that he was in the bedroom of his next doer neighbour Fred! You see, when Geebee heard that Fred was gonna be away on an all-night fishin’ expedition, he took the opportunity for tee slip intil Fred’s house after midnight, then slip intil his wife Emily (an owl flame) and give her a good seein’ til, without Fred nor nobody else knowin’ damn all about it. So Geebee couldn’t very well start shoutin’ and roarin’ and drawin’ attention til himself, now could he! So he just had tee watch as this here buck disappeared down the back alley with their TV.
But what sort of really vexed Geebee was that the whoer hadn’t even had tee break in. Unfortunately Geebee had left the back doer unlocked on account of it never havin’ crossed his mind that there might be some useless fucker hangin’ around waitin’ for the opportunity tee rob them and, as a result, the bastard had literally just walked intil Maud’s house through the back doer Geebee had left unlocked. Well, Geebee knew right away that this might take a wee bit of explainin’ til Maud and also til the cops when they came along for tee investigate. So he crept home and went up intil his bedroom, where he got intil his pyjamas as quick as he could. Then with his heart goin’ leck the clappers, he crept back down the stairs and, with the aid of a cushion and a small rug for tee muffle the noise, he broke a small pane of glass near the lock in the back doer as quiet as he could, before creepin’ back up til his bedroom, thankful that he hadn’t woken nobody up.
But unfortunately Geebee larned the next mornin’ that he hadn’t been half as cute as he thought he’d been, for the thievin’ whoer had made a few return trips durin’ the rest of night and almost clayned them out! Needless tee say, Maud was absolutely ragin’ and went on and on about how times had changed and about there not bein’ any half-dacent people left at all round our wee town and all that sorta owl shite! As for Geebee, he was mighty relieved that for once all Maud’s venom wasn’t bein’ directed at him. However, when Sergeant Carrothers came up for tee investigate this here crime, Geebee began tee feel very unaisy, because not only did he start off by mentionin’ the as yet unresolved mystery of Addy McDoo’s car, but he kept repeatin’ over and over again how odd it was that the broken glass from the back doer was outside the house rather than inside it. So Geebee made his excuses and left, for he knew that as thick as she was, it would only be a matter of time until the penny would drop with Maud and she’d perhaps start askin’ some very awkward questions about this here glass.
Well, not only did Geebee manage tee stay out of further trouble for the rest of the day, but he also successfully ducked all further questionin’ about all other matters. However, when it came til Friday mornin’, things was different. He was down in Martin Tipp’s bar havin’ a few quiet drinks when he fell intil chat with Martin’s daughter Susan, who was behind the counter servin’. Now because she was such a lovely chirpy wee thing and seemed tee have eyes for nobody else but him, Geebee began tee feel that she really fancied him and was fallin’ for him. So instead of goin’ home til Maud’s for his lunch, he hung on, buyin’ drinks for himself and Susan the whole day, lookin’ intil her eyes and whisperin’ sweet nawthin’s intil her fair ear. Jaysus, she was as nice as pie til him and the more drink he bought the two of them, the more convinced he became that she was definitely gonna be his. However, when it got near til closin’ time, Geebee suddenly realised that he had no cash left and that he wouldn’t be fit tee buy no more drink. So he decided that he’d reached the point of no return and that he’d take the plunge and make a move on her out in the corridor, for tee demonstrate his “love” for her. But Jaysus, she damn near brought the house down scraymin’ and before Geebee hardly knew where he was, he’d been kicked out of the pub on his arse.
Now Geebee had been in Martin’s pub for nearly the whole day and he’d spent one hell of a lot of time and money wooin’ this here Susan. But when he found himself out in the gutter, it dawned on him that she was nawthin’ but a prick-teaser and that she’d only been leadin’ him on and flirtin’ with him and that as far as she was concerned, he meant absolutely nawthin’ til her. Bejaysus, the divil rose up in him and suddenly his “undyin’ love” for Susan turned intil undyin’ hatred. But then he suddenly had what he thought was a bright idea as til how he’d get his own back on her and it was tee do with the fact that Martin Tipp allowed after-hours drinkin’ nearly every night in life. So when it got til about an hour after the pub should have been closed, but was still packed full of after-hours drinkers, Geebee returned with a nice brick. He then proceeded tee hurl the brick right through the big front windy. Now he had no worries at all at the time about gettin’ intil any bother about it, for he knew they couldn’t very well call the cops seein’ as they was servin’ drinks after hours. However, the one thing he did regret was that the brick hit some whoer on the back of the head instead of sailin’ straight intil Susan’s big gob and down her throat!
But unfortunately for Geebee, things asorta went downhill for him from then on. First off all that Sergeant Carrothers came early one mornin’ for tee have a wee word with Geebee about Addy McDoo’s car and, although Geebee did manage tee deflect him temporarily, he could feel the pressure gradually buildin’ up in him. But what made matters worse was that Geebee knew all the locials was talkin’ about what he’d done til Stubby and was all mockin’ him and laughin’ at him behind his back. So it was no time at all until his head was that turned by all what was goin’ on in his life that he felt leck he was goin’ half-mad in the head, which is why the divil started gettin’ intil him in a real big way. Aye, as the days went by, he began tee feel more and more on edge and soon he felt so frazzled by all the moanin’ from Maud and Thomas and all the jibin’ from all those ones that he met outside on his travels that it wasn’t long until he was on an extremely short fuse, which of coourse inevitably meant it wasn’t gonna be too long until he’d be in trouble yet again.
The next spot of bother he got intil was when he went down til Donny’s pub for tee escape from Maud and Thomas gernin’ on and on at him. When he went intil the joint, he ignored all the digs as best he could and got himself a drink. He then picked up the newspaper on the bar counter, took it over til a nice quiet wee corner and spent over two hours sittin’ there studyin’ the horses. Bejaysus, the more he studied, the more he became sure that he was gonna to win a few quid, which he knew would lift his spirits and cheer him up no end.
When at last Geebee had made his selections, he went over til Donny for tee ask him tee put on his bets and that was when Donny tolt him that he would bet Geebee that none of the horses he’d chosen would win that day. Well Geebee thought that there was a reasonably good chance of him gettin’ a double win. So he took Donny on and held up a tenner. It was at that point that Donny started laughin’, almost fit tee bust. When he was eventually fit tee spayke again, he tolt Geebee that the horses he’d chosen wouldn’t win that day because Geebee had been lookin’ at the previous day’s newspaper. Donny started scraychin’ with laughter again and as he reached over to whisk Geebee’s tenner away, Geebee immediately saw red and ranted and raged at Donny, tellin’ him in no uncertain terms that he was the most evil, obnoxious, hateful bastard that had ever drew breathe. He then picked up a heavy glass ashtray that was on the bar counter and hurled it at the wall, smashin’ it into skittereen. Now although all this put the laughin’ out of Donny, it didn’t really do Geebee a pile of good, for not only was he now barred from Donny’s pub, but reports of the incident got home before he did. Needless tee say, the tonguin’ and lecturin’ started all over again and the pressure needle within him rose even higher.
But things didn’t get any better over the next few days and Geebee was soon in trouble again. It all happened in the very early hours of Thursday mornin’. Geebee was lyin’ in the dark havin’ a feg in bed when he heard this noise from outside. So he got up out the bed and went over til the windy for tee look out and see what was what. Well Jaysus, he couldn’t hardly believe his eyes, for down there in the gloom outside, was this shadowy figure creepin’ out of the backdoer of their house and dukin’ across the backyard with their TV in his arms.
Geebee was just about tee hurl up the windy, stick his head out and start bawlin’ at the top of his voice “Oie you, yee fuckin’ bastard, yee, where do yee think you’re goin’ with our TV!” But then he suddenly remembered where he was and that there wasn’t really damn the much he could do at all. Aye, Geebee’s problem was that he was in the bedroom of his next doer neighbour Fred! You see, when Geebee heard that Fred was gonna be away on an all-night fishin’ expedition, he took the opportunity for tee slip intil Fred’s house after midnight, then slip intil his wife Emily (an owl flame) and give her a good seein’ til, without Fred nor nobody else knowin’ damn all about it. So Geebee couldn’t very well start shoutin’ and roarin’ and drawin’ attention til himself, now could he! So he just had tee watch as this here buck disappeared down the back alley with their TV.
But what sort of really vexed Geebee was that the whoer hadn’t even had tee break in. Unfortunately Geebee had left the back doer unlocked on account of it never havin’ crossed his mind that there might be some useless fucker hangin’ around waitin’ for the opportunity tee rob them and, as a result, the bastard had literally just walked intil Maud’s house through the back doer Geebee had left unlocked. Well, Geebee knew right away that this might take a wee bit of explainin’ til Maud and also til the cops when they came along for tee investigate. So he crept home and went up intil his bedroom, where he got intil his pyjamas as quick as he could. Then with his heart goin’ leck the clappers, he crept back down the stairs and, with the aid of a cushion and a small rug for tee muffle the noise, he broke a small pane of glass near the lock in the back doer as quiet as he could, before creepin’ back up til his bedroom, thankful that he hadn’t woken nobody up.
But unfortunately Geebee larned the next mornin’ that he hadn’t been half as cute as he thought he’d been, for the thievin’ whoer had made a few return trips durin’ the rest of night and almost clayned them out! Needless tee say, Maud was absolutely ragin’ and went on and on about how times had changed and about there not bein’ any half-dacent people left at all round our wee town and all that sorta owl shite! As for Geebee, he was mighty relieved that for once all Maud’s venom wasn’t bein’ directed at him. However, when Sergeant Carrothers came up for tee investigate this here crime, Geebee began tee feel very unaisy, because not only did he start off by mentionin’ the as yet unresolved mystery of Addy McDoo’s car, but he kept repeatin’ over and over again how odd it was that the broken glass from the back doer was outside the house rather than inside it. So Geebee made his excuses and left, for he knew that as thick as she was, it would only be a matter of time until the penny would drop with Maud and she’d perhaps start askin’ some very awkward questions about this here glass.
Well, not only did Geebee manage tee stay out of further trouble for the rest of the day, but he also successfully ducked all further questionin’ about all other matters. However, when it came til Friday mornin’, things was different. He was down in Martin Tipp’s bar havin’ a few quiet drinks when he fell intil chat with Martin’s daughter Susan, who was behind the counter servin’. Now because she was such a lovely chirpy wee thing and seemed tee have eyes for nobody else but him, Geebee began tee feel that she really fancied him and was fallin’ for him. So instead of goin’ home til Maud’s for his lunch, he hung on, buyin’ drinks for himself and Susan the whole day, lookin’ intil her eyes and whisperin’ sweet nawthin’s intil her fair ear. Jaysus, she was as nice as pie til him and the more drink he bought the two of them, the more convinced he became that she was definitely gonna be his. However, when it got near til closin’ time, Geebee suddenly realised that he had no cash left and that he wouldn’t be fit tee buy no more drink. So he decided that he’d reached the point of no return and that he’d take the plunge and make a move on her out in the corridor, for tee demonstrate his “love” for her. But Jaysus, she damn near brought the house down scraymin’ and before Geebee hardly knew where he was, he’d been kicked out of the pub on his arse.
Now Geebee had been in Martin’s pub for nearly the whole day and he’d spent one hell of a lot of time and money wooin’ this here Susan. But when he found himself out in the gutter, it dawned on him that she was nawthin’ but a prick-teaser and that she’d only been leadin’ him on and flirtin’ with him and that as far as she was concerned, he meant absolutely nawthin’ til her. Bejaysus, the divil rose up in him and suddenly his “undyin’ love” for Susan turned intil undyin’ hatred. But then he suddenly had what he thought was a bright idea as til how he’d get his own back on her and it was tee do with the fact that Martin Tipp allowed after-hours drinkin’ nearly every night in life. So when it got til about an hour after the pub should have been closed, but was still packed full of after-hours drinkers, Geebee returned with a nice brick. He then proceeded tee hurl the brick right through the big front windy. Now he had no worries at all at the time about gettin’ intil any bother about it, for he knew they couldn’t very well call the cops seein’ as they was servin’ drinks after hours. However, the one thing he did regret was that the brick hit some whoer on the back of the head instead of sailin’ straight intil Susan’s big gob and down her throat!
Chapter 13
When he woke up with a desperate hangover on Saturday mornin’, Geebee near went grey thinkin’ about what he’d done the night before and how he could have kilt someone. However, his one consolation was that he was sure he hadn’t been seen. But of course someone had seen a shadowy figure just leck him in the vicinity of the crime and, needless tee say, a report of this had reached Maud’s ears first thing that very mornin’. So when Geebee eventually appeared downstairs, Maud tackled him about it. However, he vehemently denied it all. But no matter what he said, he could tell that she wasn’t 100% convinced. Furthermore, somethin’ kept tellin’ him, that this time, he could really be in the soup and that in future, he really would have tee stop and think before he ever did anythin’ leck that again.
Seein’ as it was Saturday afternoon, Geebee decided that as he had no money in his pocket and nawthin’ better tee do, he’d travel with our wee town’s football team for tee watch them playin’ a derby match against the next-doer village team. Now he didn’t make this decision because he was interested in football - because it was beyond him how sane men could run around in the wind and rain and a lot of cowshite kickin’ a ball - but it did cross his mind that if our wee town’s team won, the players might be generous with the booze afterwards, when they’d be celebratin’. Also, there was always the chance that he might run intil one of the next village’s locial good things and score with her behind the hedge while the boys was tryin’ tee score on the pitch.
Well anyway, when they got there, the team captain suddenly realised he was a man short. So seein’ as Geebee was the only one from our wee town who’d been a big enough eegit tee come along tee “support” them, the big clift came over til Geebee and asked if he’d play, “just tee make up the numbers”. Now though Geebee didn’t see no stars in front of his eyes at this glorious opportunity, he eventually said aye when the captain promised him a lough of bottles after the match. He then went on tee warn the captain that he had neither boots nor togs. But the captain said that this didn’t matter. So Geebee walked on til the pitch, fully dressed, with his long coat, cap, dark glasses and a feg in his gob. It was then that Geebee realised how thirsty his shoes was, for every puddle they came across, they took a drink.
The other lads started kickin’ in while waitin’ for the match tee start and Geebee joined in as well until, when tryin’ tee do somethin’ really smart with the ball, he slipped and landed on his arse in a big soft pile of fresh staymin’ cowshite. From that moment on, kickin’ in suddenly didn’t appeal til him no more and he let the others get on with it, while he went away for tee survey the locial scenery and see what sort of locial talent was there. Of course he was a wee bit worried that bein’ in the team might frustrate his plans for scorin’ behind the hedge with a locial good thing, but then he had a good idea for gettin’ round that. If there was a ride about and she gave him the eye, he’d get himself sent off soon after the start of the match and then him and her would go behind the bushes for a bit of a buck. But Geebee was desperate disappointed, for there was only one woman there. Well it must have been a woman because it was wearin’ a skirt. But what an awful sight it was and Geebee thought that if he’d been a girl with legs leck yon, sure he’d have walked about on his hands instead. My god, she was about as elegant as a pig in hob nail boots.
It wasn’t long after then until this here scrawny get with hairy white legs came runnin’ on til the pitch blowin’ a whistle. Apparently he was the referee and Geebee could hear from the way that he was peep-peepin’ that he was a terra fond of blowin’ his bloody owl whistle. Jaysus, the noise of that whistle was so damned sharp, it was drivin’ Geebee half-astray in the head. It also made him wonder whether the big lump in the referee’s throat was the whistle from the previous weekend that some whoer had got fed up listenin’ til and shoved down his throat. Well anyway, all the rest of the boys got excited at the prospect of the match soon startin’ and that’s when the captain came over til Geebee.
“Now I want you tee play right back,” he said, “and mark that fellow over there on the left wing.” Geebee took a look at the left winger and was extremely playsed tee note that he was a skinny bloke and much smaller than himself.
“Okay,” said Geebee, “I’ll mark him for yee.”
“Now you’ll mark him well, now won’t yee!” emphasised the captain.
“Don’t you worry,” said Geebee with a cryptic smile, “I’ll mark him well all right, I’ll mark him good and proper!”
“Peep, peep, peep” went the referee’s whistle. Someone on the other side immediately kicked the ball up the field til the left winger, because after lookin’ at Geebee in his long coat and cap and that, they must have thought that he was the wake link in our wee town’s side and a real soft touch. This here left winger got the ball, sorta smirked at Geebee in his cap, dark glasses and big long coat covered in cow’s shite and he took off for tee sail past him at top speed. Well Geebee went slidin’ in and got man, ball and all. Bejaysus, the left winger went head over shite and gave a yelp leck a stuck pig. Geebee thought he’d near kilt him from the way he was rollin’ about, groanin’ and holdin’ his shin. But that’s when it all started. My god, there was total uproar. All the locial supporters immediately came flyin’ on til the pitch from all directions. Geebee had always thought that football was a game where you used your feet. But in this game, everyone seemed intent on usin’ their fists. What a battle! Bejaysus, did they not cut the shite out of each other! But Geebee had only done what he’d been asked tee do; he’d marked the left winger and he’d marked him good and proper. But he wished he hadn’t bothered, for he ended up with two black eyes, that left him lookin’ leck a panda.
Well of course that was the end of the match. But instead of the boys from our wee town goin’ intil one of the locial pubs for a lough of drinks as they would normally have done, they was that scarred of runnin’ intil reinforcements from the village that they decided tee head straight off home. Now this didn’t playse Geebee none too much, because it meant that there wasn’t gonna be no free drinks. So he wasn’t in the best of good humour when he got back til our wee town. However, when he was standin’ on the street corner tellin’ everyone who’d listen about the big row and how he’d started it all by tacklin’ the other team’s left winger, he did perk up a wee bit. But then someone tolt him that the left winger he’d ‘marked’ was a nephew of the fearsome Dochertys. Well, when Geebee heard that, his heart instantly sank, because he knew that that crowd of no-good useless bastards would now be after his blood.
Jaysus, them Docherty boys, they really was a bunch of jackos and there was no way that anyone in their right mind could have lecked them at all. They was an awful rough mob who’d once lived in an owl hovel up the mountain amongst all the other hillbillies up there. But unfortunately for all of us, the locial council had been big enough eegits tee offer them a council house on the outskirts of our wee town and of course, they’d jumped at it. However, they didn’t have no clue as tee how tee live leck other normal people and so they didn’t know how tee look after their new home, with the result that it wasn’t long until they ended up livin’ in the sort of shite that they’d been used til in their shack up the mountain.
Well, Docherty and his wife had four obnoxious young skitters of cubs with them when they arrived in amongst us and when these here boyos got up a bit and intil their late teens, they began makin’ a few bob, by hook or by crook (or should I simply say by bein’ crooks). But they used tee drink it all and never had nawthin’ left for tee pay intil the home, which meant that their ma wasn’t fit tee cater for them at all. Well anyway, with all their carryin’-ons and this, that and the other, and the police comin’ til their doer every other day, sure they drove their ma til an early grave, which meant that there wasn’t nobody around for tee do the cookin’ and all that other stuff that keeps a home goin’, which of course left them in a bit of a pickle, because there wasn’t one of them that could even boil an egg.
Now them boyos was akinda bitter about their ma not bein’ around tee look after them and they blamed it all on their owl da. So whenever they got tight - which was almost every night - they used tee come home and make life hell for him. Unfortunately, what with all this abuse and because he was so sad over the loss of his Mrs and so on, sure the owl sod got tired of things and he hung himself from a rafter with a lump of owl hairy ned. So the four boyos was now on their lone.
Needless tee say, things of course got akinda worse on the domestic front after that and when the next winter came (which was an awful cowl one), although they always had plenty of drinkin’ money, they never had no other money for tee buy coal. Well of course they didn’t want tee freeze neither. So they ripped out the banisters and burnt them in the grate. Then they took off all the inside doers and burnt them too. Then it was the chairs and tables and cupboards and chests of drawers and flooer boourds and this, that and the other. But if that wasn’t bad enough, they ripped off all the wooden claddin’ on the front of the house and burnt that as well. But the cowl winter went on and on and they was still freezin’. So they ripped out the stairs and burnt them, which meant they had tee use a metal ladder for tee get up and downstairs. Sure the only wood left in the whole house was the front and back doers (and their own thick heads) and many’s the time these doers was seriously looked at as well. Anyway spring came and the cowl weather went away without any of them havin’ froze til death, which was an awful pity for the rest of us.
But Jaysus, they really was an awful, desperate nest of no-good, useless whoers. I remember the time before they got involved in second-hand cars and mechanickin’ when they used tee be fierce intil collectin’ owl bits of scrap metal and they used tee have an owl horse and cart, for tee help them gather it all up. Well one day this here horse fell ill. Now tee be quite truthful, nobody was one bit surprised, because they had no shed nor field for it and, as a result, they’d never had no alternative but tee tether it up til the lamp post outside their house at night.
Well anyway, they decided that one way or another they’d have tee cure this here horse. So they brought it in the front doer, through the house and out the back doer intil the back yard. But sure they didn’t know their arses from their elbows and had no clue whatsoever how tee cure it and they sure wasn’t gonna spend no good drinkin’ money on any owl good-for-nawthin’ vit. My goodness, the poor owl nag swelled up til nearly twice its original size and died. Well, it had been a tough enough job gettin’ the nag intil the back yard, but with it bein’ deed, bloated and swollen til such an awful size, they couldn’t get it back out through the house. So they covered it with a lough of owl rags and let it rot there. But they was such a bunch of rascals that people was surprised that the whoers didn’t cut it up and try tee sell it til the locial butchers as beef or at least ate it themselves, with a pile of chips, vinegar and a few ladles of mushy pays!
But tee get back til Geebee, as soon as he realised that it wouldn’t be long until the Dochertys would be on the warpath, he headed straight for home - for he was sure that he’d be safe there - and when he got in through the frontdoer, he felt so relieved tee be home that he gave Maud a big smile, which immediately put her on her guard.
Later on, when Geebee, Maud and Thomas was havin’ their tay of egg, baynes and chips, there was a rap on the frontdoer. Geebee didn’t pass no remarks about it when Maud went tee answer it because he assumed it was, as per usual, one of the owl nearby crones Maud was always gossipin’ with. But when he heard the doer open and this loud raucous voice askin’ “is that fuckin’ bastard Geebee there?” it dawned on him that the Dochertys had arrived and that it was therefore time for him tee layve pronto. But bejaysus, he left in such a hurry in the direction of the back doer that he pushed past Thomas so roughly that he sent his whole grub down all over the owl boy’s lap.
Needless tee say, when the coast was clear a couple of hours later, Geebee crept back home and that’s when Maud went through him leck physic of salts. Jaysus, she took intil him and tolt him that this was definitely his very last chance and that if he got himself intil any more bother at all, that’d be the end and he’d be out on his ear. Geebee could tell that she wasn’t jokin’ and he made up his mind there and then that there was no way he was gonna get intil any more trouble, because as bad as Maud was, life in her home was always gonna be a million miles better than bein’ out on the street.
When he woke up with a desperate hangover on Saturday mornin’, Geebee near went grey thinkin’ about what he’d done the night before and how he could have kilt someone. However, his one consolation was that he was sure he hadn’t been seen. But of course someone had seen a shadowy figure just leck him in the vicinity of the crime and, needless tee say, a report of this had reached Maud’s ears first thing that very mornin’. So when Geebee eventually appeared downstairs, Maud tackled him about it. However, he vehemently denied it all. But no matter what he said, he could tell that she wasn’t 100% convinced. Furthermore, somethin’ kept tellin’ him, that this time, he could really be in the soup and that in future, he really would have tee stop and think before he ever did anythin’ leck that again.
Seein’ as it was Saturday afternoon, Geebee decided that as he had no money in his pocket and nawthin’ better tee do, he’d travel with our wee town’s football team for tee watch them playin’ a derby match against the next-doer village team. Now he didn’t make this decision because he was interested in football - because it was beyond him how sane men could run around in the wind and rain and a lot of cowshite kickin’ a ball - but it did cross his mind that if our wee town’s team won, the players might be generous with the booze afterwards, when they’d be celebratin’. Also, there was always the chance that he might run intil one of the next village’s locial good things and score with her behind the hedge while the boys was tryin’ tee score on the pitch.
Well anyway, when they got there, the team captain suddenly realised he was a man short. So seein’ as Geebee was the only one from our wee town who’d been a big enough eegit tee come along tee “support” them, the big clift came over til Geebee and asked if he’d play, “just tee make up the numbers”. Now though Geebee didn’t see no stars in front of his eyes at this glorious opportunity, he eventually said aye when the captain promised him a lough of bottles after the match. He then went on tee warn the captain that he had neither boots nor togs. But the captain said that this didn’t matter. So Geebee walked on til the pitch, fully dressed, with his long coat, cap, dark glasses and a feg in his gob. It was then that Geebee realised how thirsty his shoes was, for every puddle they came across, they took a drink.
The other lads started kickin’ in while waitin’ for the match tee start and Geebee joined in as well until, when tryin’ tee do somethin’ really smart with the ball, he slipped and landed on his arse in a big soft pile of fresh staymin’ cowshite. From that moment on, kickin’ in suddenly didn’t appeal til him no more and he let the others get on with it, while he went away for tee survey the locial scenery and see what sort of locial talent was there. Of course he was a wee bit worried that bein’ in the team might frustrate his plans for scorin’ behind the hedge with a locial good thing, but then he had a good idea for gettin’ round that. If there was a ride about and she gave him the eye, he’d get himself sent off soon after the start of the match and then him and her would go behind the bushes for a bit of a buck. But Geebee was desperate disappointed, for there was only one woman there. Well it must have been a woman because it was wearin’ a skirt. But what an awful sight it was and Geebee thought that if he’d been a girl with legs leck yon, sure he’d have walked about on his hands instead. My god, she was about as elegant as a pig in hob nail boots.
It wasn’t long after then until this here scrawny get with hairy white legs came runnin’ on til the pitch blowin’ a whistle. Apparently he was the referee and Geebee could hear from the way that he was peep-peepin’ that he was a terra fond of blowin’ his bloody owl whistle. Jaysus, the noise of that whistle was so damned sharp, it was drivin’ Geebee half-astray in the head. It also made him wonder whether the big lump in the referee’s throat was the whistle from the previous weekend that some whoer had got fed up listenin’ til and shoved down his throat. Well anyway, all the rest of the boys got excited at the prospect of the match soon startin’ and that’s when the captain came over til Geebee.
“Now I want you tee play right back,” he said, “and mark that fellow over there on the left wing.” Geebee took a look at the left winger and was extremely playsed tee note that he was a skinny bloke and much smaller than himself.
“Okay,” said Geebee, “I’ll mark him for yee.”
“Now you’ll mark him well, now won’t yee!” emphasised the captain.
“Don’t you worry,” said Geebee with a cryptic smile, “I’ll mark him well all right, I’ll mark him good and proper!”
“Peep, peep, peep” went the referee’s whistle. Someone on the other side immediately kicked the ball up the field til the left winger, because after lookin’ at Geebee in his long coat and cap and that, they must have thought that he was the wake link in our wee town’s side and a real soft touch. This here left winger got the ball, sorta smirked at Geebee in his cap, dark glasses and big long coat covered in cow’s shite and he took off for tee sail past him at top speed. Well Geebee went slidin’ in and got man, ball and all. Bejaysus, the left winger went head over shite and gave a yelp leck a stuck pig. Geebee thought he’d near kilt him from the way he was rollin’ about, groanin’ and holdin’ his shin. But that’s when it all started. My god, there was total uproar. All the locial supporters immediately came flyin’ on til the pitch from all directions. Geebee had always thought that football was a game where you used your feet. But in this game, everyone seemed intent on usin’ their fists. What a battle! Bejaysus, did they not cut the shite out of each other! But Geebee had only done what he’d been asked tee do; he’d marked the left winger and he’d marked him good and proper. But he wished he hadn’t bothered, for he ended up with two black eyes, that left him lookin’ leck a panda.
Well of course that was the end of the match. But instead of the boys from our wee town goin’ intil one of the locial pubs for a lough of drinks as they would normally have done, they was that scarred of runnin’ intil reinforcements from the village that they decided tee head straight off home. Now this didn’t playse Geebee none too much, because it meant that there wasn’t gonna be no free drinks. So he wasn’t in the best of good humour when he got back til our wee town. However, when he was standin’ on the street corner tellin’ everyone who’d listen about the big row and how he’d started it all by tacklin’ the other team’s left winger, he did perk up a wee bit. But then someone tolt him that the left winger he’d ‘marked’ was a nephew of the fearsome Dochertys. Well, when Geebee heard that, his heart instantly sank, because he knew that that crowd of no-good useless bastards would now be after his blood.
Jaysus, them Docherty boys, they really was a bunch of jackos and there was no way that anyone in their right mind could have lecked them at all. They was an awful rough mob who’d once lived in an owl hovel up the mountain amongst all the other hillbillies up there. But unfortunately for all of us, the locial council had been big enough eegits tee offer them a council house on the outskirts of our wee town and of course, they’d jumped at it. However, they didn’t have no clue as tee how tee live leck other normal people and so they didn’t know how tee look after their new home, with the result that it wasn’t long until they ended up livin’ in the sort of shite that they’d been used til in their shack up the mountain.
Well, Docherty and his wife had four obnoxious young skitters of cubs with them when they arrived in amongst us and when these here boyos got up a bit and intil their late teens, they began makin’ a few bob, by hook or by crook (or should I simply say by bein’ crooks). But they used tee drink it all and never had nawthin’ left for tee pay intil the home, which meant that their ma wasn’t fit tee cater for them at all. Well anyway, with all their carryin’-ons and this, that and the other, and the police comin’ til their doer every other day, sure they drove their ma til an early grave, which meant that there wasn’t nobody around for tee do the cookin’ and all that other stuff that keeps a home goin’, which of course left them in a bit of a pickle, because there wasn’t one of them that could even boil an egg.
Now them boyos was akinda bitter about their ma not bein’ around tee look after them and they blamed it all on their owl da. So whenever they got tight - which was almost every night - they used tee come home and make life hell for him. Unfortunately, what with all this abuse and because he was so sad over the loss of his Mrs and so on, sure the owl sod got tired of things and he hung himself from a rafter with a lump of owl hairy ned. So the four boyos was now on their lone.
Needless tee say, things of course got akinda worse on the domestic front after that and when the next winter came (which was an awful cowl one), although they always had plenty of drinkin’ money, they never had no other money for tee buy coal. Well of course they didn’t want tee freeze neither. So they ripped out the banisters and burnt them in the grate. Then they took off all the inside doers and burnt them too. Then it was the chairs and tables and cupboards and chests of drawers and flooer boourds and this, that and the other. But if that wasn’t bad enough, they ripped off all the wooden claddin’ on the front of the house and burnt that as well. But the cowl winter went on and on and they was still freezin’. So they ripped out the stairs and burnt them, which meant they had tee use a metal ladder for tee get up and downstairs. Sure the only wood left in the whole house was the front and back doers (and their own thick heads) and many’s the time these doers was seriously looked at as well. Anyway spring came and the cowl weather went away without any of them havin’ froze til death, which was an awful pity for the rest of us.
But Jaysus, they really was an awful, desperate nest of no-good, useless whoers. I remember the time before they got involved in second-hand cars and mechanickin’ when they used tee be fierce intil collectin’ owl bits of scrap metal and they used tee have an owl horse and cart, for tee help them gather it all up. Well one day this here horse fell ill. Now tee be quite truthful, nobody was one bit surprised, because they had no shed nor field for it and, as a result, they’d never had no alternative but tee tether it up til the lamp post outside their house at night.
Well anyway, they decided that one way or another they’d have tee cure this here horse. So they brought it in the front doer, through the house and out the back doer intil the back yard. But sure they didn’t know their arses from their elbows and had no clue whatsoever how tee cure it and they sure wasn’t gonna spend no good drinkin’ money on any owl good-for-nawthin’ vit. My goodness, the poor owl nag swelled up til nearly twice its original size and died. Well, it had been a tough enough job gettin’ the nag intil the back yard, but with it bein’ deed, bloated and swollen til such an awful size, they couldn’t get it back out through the house. So they covered it with a lough of owl rags and let it rot there. But they was such a bunch of rascals that people was surprised that the whoers didn’t cut it up and try tee sell it til the locial butchers as beef or at least ate it themselves, with a pile of chips, vinegar and a few ladles of mushy pays!
But tee get back til Geebee, as soon as he realised that it wouldn’t be long until the Dochertys would be on the warpath, he headed straight for home - for he was sure that he’d be safe there - and when he got in through the frontdoer, he felt so relieved tee be home that he gave Maud a big smile, which immediately put her on her guard.
Later on, when Geebee, Maud and Thomas was havin’ their tay of egg, baynes and chips, there was a rap on the frontdoer. Geebee didn’t pass no remarks about it when Maud went tee answer it because he assumed it was, as per usual, one of the owl nearby crones Maud was always gossipin’ with. But when he heard the doer open and this loud raucous voice askin’ “is that fuckin’ bastard Geebee there?” it dawned on him that the Dochertys had arrived and that it was therefore time for him tee layve pronto. But bejaysus, he left in such a hurry in the direction of the back doer that he pushed past Thomas so roughly that he sent his whole grub down all over the owl boy’s lap.
Needless tee say, when the coast was clear a couple of hours later, Geebee crept back home and that’s when Maud went through him leck physic of salts. Jaysus, she took intil him and tolt him that this was definitely his very last chance and that if he got himself intil any more bother at all, that’d be the end and he’d be out on his ear. Geebee could tell that she wasn’t jokin’ and he made up his mind there and then that there was no way he was gonna get intil any more trouble, because as bad as Maud was, life in her home was always gonna be a million miles better than bein’ out on the street.
Chapter 14
Well, Sunday didn’t turn out tee be a very good day for either Geebee or Cuddles. It all started when Maud came burstin’ intil Geebee’s bedroom on the hinges of ten o’clock in the worst of bad humour and with Cuddles, her beloved cat, cradled in her arms.
“Quit lyin’ there stinkin’ and get up out of your bed, yee slovenly wee quilt yee” she snarled, “I’ve a few jobs for yee tee do when yee come down.” Then she stormed out bangin’ the doer behind her. Geebee screwed up his face.
“Fuck me,” he thought, “I sleep for ten hours and I get nawthin’ but dog’s abuse and that damned cat Cuddles sleeps around the clock and he gets his arse licked.” Aye, Geebee really didn’t leck that there cat. I mane if he’d been any damned use and caught a few mice or somethin’ leck that now and again, well that would have been different. But sure he did sod all and was nawthin’ but an ate, sleep and shite cat. Man, he was that lazy, he wouldn’t have stirred to take his hole, even if you’d have offered it til him on a plate!
Well, when Geebee got downstairs, Maud and Thomas was in the front room. So Geebee went intil the kitchen for tee get a bit of pace and have his breakfast. But he found there was no milk left for his cornflakes, because that cursaid cat was lappin’ up the last of it. Bejaysus, Geebee went clayne mad. That greedy, selfish, self-centred shite of a cat! And Geebee bent down with a glint in his eye and stuck out his fingers towards the cat.
“Here pussy, pussy, pussy, here’s a nice tender bit of mate for yee.” But the owl cat didn’t come anywhere near him and instead watched him very cautious-leck.
Suddenly Maud appeared and Geebee was pleasantly surprised tee note that she was now in the best of good humour. This was because she’d just read in the Sunday rag that uncle Edward had gone and died of a massive heart attack and, as far as she was concerned, it was good riddance til bad rubbish. However, the news had a funny effect on Geebee. First of all, the thought flickered across his mind that maybe it was his da who had just died rather than his uncle. But secondly, uncle Edward’s death seemed somehow or another tee be a bad omen. However, he quickly put both thoughts til the back of his mind and had his breakfast.
A wee while later, Geebee was just about tee go out the doer (for he was afeared that the Dochertys might make a return visit), when Maud got a holt of him, put a hammer in his hand and tolt him that the first job she wanted him tee do was tee get up on the stool and hammer a nail for a picture intil the fierce hard brick wall. She then disappeared.
Now Geebee wasn’t in the best of humour and when he got up on the stool with the hammer and the nail, bejaysus, did he not start hammerin’! My goodness, the divil was well and truly in him and he was that mad, he felt leck smashin’ the whole wall down, because it had crossed his mind that if he did demolish it, she mightn’t be in such a damned hurry in future tee ask him tee do any other wee jobs around the house. But then he decided that as he was already in enough bother one way and another, it’d maybe be wiser for him tee keep a very low profile for a lough of days and do as he was tolt. So Geebee cooled himself down, got on with the job and kept tappin’ away at the nail until it was sufficiently in the wall. Then he jumped down from the stool.
“Yowwwwwl!!!” went Cuddles and said no more. He just lay there in a crazy haype, stone dead. Now as much as Geebee dislecked that cat, he’d never have dreamt of hurtin’ him, let alone killin’ him. He immediately looked around for owl Maud, but thanks be til God she was outside, laynin’ over the garden fence, yappin’ away til that owl Mrs Crow next doer about what someone down the road had said or done.
Jaysus, Geebee was in a real panic and it instantly reminded him of the time, he’d choked Thomas’s canary by mistake. One minute he’d been strokin’ it and the next minute, it was croakin’ it. But he’d managed tee get out of that one by makin’ it look leck the bloody cat had had it. But this was a different situation. I mane he couldn’t very well try and make it look leck Thomas’s new canary had killed the cat out of revenge. So Geebee stuffed Cuddles up his jumper and fled out the front doer of the house, for he thought he’d hide it somewhere until dark and then put it under the back wheel of someone’s parked car, so that when they next took off, it’d look leck the cat had been run over. But unfortunately, although the cat was under his jumper, he didn’t notice that his tail was hangin’ out for all tee see, includin’ Maud who just happened tee be comin’ round the side of the house with a full waterin’ can in her hand when he came flyin’ out the front doer.
Needless tee say, when she saw the cat’s tail hangin’ out of Geebee’s jumper, she was just a wee bit curious as til what the hell Geebee was up til and, as she was interrogatin’ him about the situation, he could tell from the cut of her that there was gonna be no aisy way out of this one and that he was in a right owl pickle, let there be no doubt about that at all. So he decided that the best policy would be tee come clayne and tell her the truth. And that’s when he discovered that waterin’ cans can be used for other things than just sprinklin’ a few wee plants with water.
Well, while Maud was demonstratin’ on Geebee’s head til all those who was watchin’ what a great weapon a waterin’ can can be, it crossed his mind that maybe it’d be an appropriate time for tee bate a hasty retreat and give her time tee cool down. So Geebee dropped the Cuddles at her feet and disappeared in a cloud of dust.
When Geebee returned about three hours later, he was still a mite nervous as til how Maud would be. He knew of course that she wouldn’t be runnin’ down the garden path for tee greet him with outstretched arms. But he certainly wasn’t expectin’ tee find all his clothes and things littered about the front garden and the front doer well and truly locked and bolted. Even so, it didn’t have tee be explained til Geebee what the score was and, as he gathered up all his things, he realised that there’d probably be no cocoa nor goodnight kiss for him that night.
After he had everythin’ lifted, he went on off down the road as casual lookin’ as he could, tryin’ his best tee ignore all them nosey whoers who was stoppin’ for tee gawk at him and wonder where the hell he was goin’ with armfuls of knickers and socks on a Sunday afternoon. Mind you, he didn’t know himself where he was headin’. In fact his mind was completely blank.
However, it was then that Geebee had a great stroke of good luck, for he bumped intil his owl pal Salty, who was out on a Sunday afternoon stroll. Jaysus, when Salty heard all about Geebee’s predicament, he laughed long and hard, which nearly earned him a smack in the gub. But then he suddenly said that if Geebee would promise tee pay him rent, he could move intil the wee house he owned on the other side of our wee town, the wee house that he’d inherited from his owl ma and which he’d rented out til Adele and Stevie up until six months before. Now although Geebee knew that the house was a shithole, he was that happy at the prospect of havin’ a roof over his head once again that he promised Salty over and over again - for all who was there tee hear and witness - that he would pay him whatever rent he wanted and whenever he wanted it. Of course Geebee knew that Salty would probably never get one penny piece in rent from him, for when you’re out of work, dole money’s drinkin’ money, not bloody rent money. Furthermore, it was Geebee’s view that if Salty had been able tee survive the previous six months or so without gettin’ any rent since Adele and Stevie had left, then he could survive a wee while longer without Geebee’s rent.
Well anyway, Salty gave Geebee the kay and he headed over til his new home, as happy as a wee pig in shite. But when he got in through the front doer, his heart sank. Jaysus what a kip! There was no elecatricity, no haytin’, no TV and hardly a stick of furniture in the whole place. The walls was all bare and peelin’ and there was a horrible musty smell from all the damp in the place. As for the awful, squeakin’, saggin’, damp bed, sure it was desperate. But tee top it all, it quickly dawned on Geebee that if he ever wanted tee go til the shithouse in the middle of the night, he’d have no choice but tee go downstairs and out intil the wee back garden, where he’d have tee contend with the pitch dark, rain, cowl, dogshite and head-high briars tee get til it. But beggars can’t be choosers and Geebee realised he was lucky tee have anywhere at all.
Well, Sunday didn’t turn out tee be a very good day for either Geebee or Cuddles. It all started when Maud came burstin’ intil Geebee’s bedroom on the hinges of ten o’clock in the worst of bad humour and with Cuddles, her beloved cat, cradled in her arms.
“Quit lyin’ there stinkin’ and get up out of your bed, yee slovenly wee quilt yee” she snarled, “I’ve a few jobs for yee tee do when yee come down.” Then she stormed out bangin’ the doer behind her. Geebee screwed up his face.
“Fuck me,” he thought, “I sleep for ten hours and I get nawthin’ but dog’s abuse and that damned cat Cuddles sleeps around the clock and he gets his arse licked.” Aye, Geebee really didn’t leck that there cat. I mane if he’d been any damned use and caught a few mice or somethin’ leck that now and again, well that would have been different. But sure he did sod all and was nawthin’ but an ate, sleep and shite cat. Man, he was that lazy, he wouldn’t have stirred to take his hole, even if you’d have offered it til him on a plate!
Well, when Geebee got downstairs, Maud and Thomas was in the front room. So Geebee went intil the kitchen for tee get a bit of pace and have his breakfast. But he found there was no milk left for his cornflakes, because that cursaid cat was lappin’ up the last of it. Bejaysus, Geebee went clayne mad. That greedy, selfish, self-centred shite of a cat! And Geebee bent down with a glint in his eye and stuck out his fingers towards the cat.
“Here pussy, pussy, pussy, here’s a nice tender bit of mate for yee.” But the owl cat didn’t come anywhere near him and instead watched him very cautious-leck.
Suddenly Maud appeared and Geebee was pleasantly surprised tee note that she was now in the best of good humour. This was because she’d just read in the Sunday rag that uncle Edward had gone and died of a massive heart attack and, as far as she was concerned, it was good riddance til bad rubbish. However, the news had a funny effect on Geebee. First of all, the thought flickered across his mind that maybe it was his da who had just died rather than his uncle. But secondly, uncle Edward’s death seemed somehow or another tee be a bad omen. However, he quickly put both thoughts til the back of his mind and had his breakfast.
A wee while later, Geebee was just about tee go out the doer (for he was afeared that the Dochertys might make a return visit), when Maud got a holt of him, put a hammer in his hand and tolt him that the first job she wanted him tee do was tee get up on the stool and hammer a nail for a picture intil the fierce hard brick wall. She then disappeared.
Now Geebee wasn’t in the best of humour and when he got up on the stool with the hammer and the nail, bejaysus, did he not start hammerin’! My goodness, the divil was well and truly in him and he was that mad, he felt leck smashin’ the whole wall down, because it had crossed his mind that if he did demolish it, she mightn’t be in such a damned hurry in future tee ask him tee do any other wee jobs around the house. But then he decided that as he was already in enough bother one way and another, it’d maybe be wiser for him tee keep a very low profile for a lough of days and do as he was tolt. So Geebee cooled himself down, got on with the job and kept tappin’ away at the nail until it was sufficiently in the wall. Then he jumped down from the stool.
“Yowwwwwl!!!” went Cuddles and said no more. He just lay there in a crazy haype, stone dead. Now as much as Geebee dislecked that cat, he’d never have dreamt of hurtin’ him, let alone killin’ him. He immediately looked around for owl Maud, but thanks be til God she was outside, laynin’ over the garden fence, yappin’ away til that owl Mrs Crow next doer about what someone down the road had said or done.
Jaysus, Geebee was in a real panic and it instantly reminded him of the time, he’d choked Thomas’s canary by mistake. One minute he’d been strokin’ it and the next minute, it was croakin’ it. But he’d managed tee get out of that one by makin’ it look leck the bloody cat had had it. But this was a different situation. I mane he couldn’t very well try and make it look leck Thomas’s new canary had killed the cat out of revenge. So Geebee stuffed Cuddles up his jumper and fled out the front doer of the house, for he thought he’d hide it somewhere until dark and then put it under the back wheel of someone’s parked car, so that when they next took off, it’d look leck the cat had been run over. But unfortunately, although the cat was under his jumper, he didn’t notice that his tail was hangin’ out for all tee see, includin’ Maud who just happened tee be comin’ round the side of the house with a full waterin’ can in her hand when he came flyin’ out the front doer.
Needless tee say, when she saw the cat’s tail hangin’ out of Geebee’s jumper, she was just a wee bit curious as til what the hell Geebee was up til and, as she was interrogatin’ him about the situation, he could tell from the cut of her that there was gonna be no aisy way out of this one and that he was in a right owl pickle, let there be no doubt about that at all. So he decided that the best policy would be tee come clayne and tell her the truth. And that’s when he discovered that waterin’ cans can be used for other things than just sprinklin’ a few wee plants with water.
Well, while Maud was demonstratin’ on Geebee’s head til all those who was watchin’ what a great weapon a waterin’ can can be, it crossed his mind that maybe it’d be an appropriate time for tee bate a hasty retreat and give her time tee cool down. So Geebee dropped the Cuddles at her feet and disappeared in a cloud of dust.
When Geebee returned about three hours later, he was still a mite nervous as til how Maud would be. He knew of course that she wouldn’t be runnin’ down the garden path for tee greet him with outstretched arms. But he certainly wasn’t expectin’ tee find all his clothes and things littered about the front garden and the front doer well and truly locked and bolted. Even so, it didn’t have tee be explained til Geebee what the score was and, as he gathered up all his things, he realised that there’d probably be no cocoa nor goodnight kiss for him that night.
After he had everythin’ lifted, he went on off down the road as casual lookin’ as he could, tryin’ his best tee ignore all them nosey whoers who was stoppin’ for tee gawk at him and wonder where the hell he was goin’ with armfuls of knickers and socks on a Sunday afternoon. Mind you, he didn’t know himself where he was headin’. In fact his mind was completely blank.
However, it was then that Geebee had a great stroke of good luck, for he bumped intil his owl pal Salty, who was out on a Sunday afternoon stroll. Jaysus, when Salty heard all about Geebee’s predicament, he laughed long and hard, which nearly earned him a smack in the gub. But then he suddenly said that if Geebee would promise tee pay him rent, he could move intil the wee house he owned on the other side of our wee town, the wee house that he’d inherited from his owl ma and which he’d rented out til Adele and Stevie up until six months before. Now although Geebee knew that the house was a shithole, he was that happy at the prospect of havin’ a roof over his head once again that he promised Salty over and over again - for all who was there tee hear and witness - that he would pay him whatever rent he wanted and whenever he wanted it. Of course Geebee knew that Salty would probably never get one penny piece in rent from him, for when you’re out of work, dole money’s drinkin’ money, not bloody rent money. Furthermore, it was Geebee’s view that if Salty had been able tee survive the previous six months or so without gettin’ any rent since Adele and Stevie had left, then he could survive a wee while longer without Geebee’s rent.
Well anyway, Salty gave Geebee the kay and he headed over til his new home, as happy as a wee pig in shite. But when he got in through the front doer, his heart sank. Jaysus what a kip! There was no elecatricity, no haytin’, no TV and hardly a stick of furniture in the whole place. The walls was all bare and peelin’ and there was a horrible musty smell from all the damp in the place. As for the awful, squeakin’, saggin’, damp bed, sure it was desperate. But tee top it all, it quickly dawned on Geebee that if he ever wanted tee go til the shithouse in the middle of the night, he’d have no choice but tee go downstairs and out intil the wee back garden, where he’d have tee contend with the pitch dark, rain, cowl, dogshite and head-high briars tee get til it. But beggars can’t be choosers and Geebee realised he was lucky tee have anywhere at all.
Chapter 15
When he awoke the next day, it took Geebee a wee while for tee work out where he was exactly. But then it eventually dawned on him that he was in his new home. So he groaned and stuck his head back under the haype of dirty owl blankets and curtains that was his bedclothes. But not long after, he heard the church clock strikin’ 11.00 am, which prompted him tee wonder whether or not tee make some kind of a move. However, it was then that he remembered that he still had another couple of long dreary days tee somehow get through until dole day. So he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just stay in bed the whole day, as this would mane that he would then only have one long dreary day tee somehow get in until glorious dole day arrived. Aye, dole day was the best day of the week, for it meant he would be reborn and become a new man. Bejaysus, life would start all over again and he’d be able tee live as happy as a wee pig in shite, for a wee while at least, until all the dole money would be spent and he’d be broke and back in hell again. He groaned and stuck his head back under the bedclothes.
While he was lyin’ there, half dozin’ and thinkin’ about things, he suddenly let rip a big stale fart that rumpled the bed clothes. Jaysus, the fumes of it immediately took him by the throat and he had no choice but tee come up til the surface for tee get some air before he was gassed. And so that was the start til the first brand new day in Geebee’s new life and as he stuck his head out from beneath the bedclothes, gaspin’ for breath, he wondered what the hell he’d do for the rest of the day. Of course, he could have either started on claynin’ up the house, because it really was in a terrible state, or he could have made a start on weedin’ the garden, which was completely overgrown. But somehow he didn’t feel he had either the energy or the inclination for any of that owl shite. So tee help him with his ruminatin’, he hawked a few green things up from his throat, spat them out across the room and watched as they hit the wall and slithered down til the flooer. Then when that wee job was done, he screwed up his face leck a duck’s arse - for his mouth tasted leck a sewer - and reached for a feg. But that’s when he remembered that he had no fegs left. Well he couldn’t do nawthin’ much until he’d had a feg or two. So he knew that he had no choice but tee go round the whole place and gather up all the butts that was lyin’ about for tee get the tobacco out of them and make a couple of new fegs with bits of owl newspaper.
So Geebee dragged himself out of his filthy, smelly pit, not because he really wanted tee get up or even because he was bustin’ for a piss, but because he desperately needed some nicotine. However, before he started on the feg project, he went outside til the shithouse first, but was so dopey that he pissed half intil the bowl and half over the flooer. After he’d had a slash and half washed the shithouse flooer at the same time, he took a wee look at the garden. When Adele and Stevie had been livin’ there, they’d got the garden lookin’ right nice. But then, what with one thing and another and the neighbour’s alsatian runnin’ around mad in there, uprootin’ all their work and pissin’ and shytin’ all over the place, things had asorta gone til pot. Now Geebee knew that if he was gonna stay there in Salty’s dungeon, he’d have tee do somethin’ about the garden, because that’s what Salty had insisted upon as a part of the dayle. But at that particular moment in his life, Geebee didn’t want no argument with that there maggoty Alsatian next doer. Jaysus, not only did he have these fierce big sharp yellow fangs, but Geebee quickly got the impression from the wicked look in his eyes that he’d be immune til any kick up the arse that Geebee would be fit tee give him and, as a result, the brute would probably do him in good and proper, let there be no doubt about that at all. So he went back inside the house for tee somehow get a feg.
Well he hoked about and found one of the many ash trays which was brimmin’ over with owl stale feg ends from Adele and Stevie’s days there. Although there was also a whole pile of beer bottles lyin’ all around the place as well, there wasn’t a damned drop left in any of them. Geebee sighed. Jaysus, them bottles had been the very welcome things when they’d been full, but now that their contents had all been pissed away long ago, they seemed so cowl and miserable. He started tee break open all the butt ends, for he knew that one way or another, he had tee get a smoke, even if he had tee commit murder for tee get one.
Although Geebee eventually managed tee make himself a sorta homemade feg, bejaysus when he lit it up, my god, it tasted that desperate that it made him start retchin’ and if he’d had anythin’ at all in his belly, sure he’d have puked it up there and then all over the place. But it didn’t put him off and when he eventually quit hayvin’, he started drawin’ on the feg again, for although it was disgustin’, it was nevertheless a smoke of sorts and had nicotine in it. But then he decided he’d better nick it half-way through, for he knew he had the whole day tee see through and probably only enough scraps of tobacco for two or three more of these here homemade fegs. It was then that he decided tee put on his big long coat, his flat cap and his dark glasses and go out and see what was what.
The spring day was bright and clear but cowl and nippy at the same time when he emerged from his lair for tee face the world. As he stood outside the front doer and looked up and down for tee see who was about, he wondered again what he’d do for the rest of the day. And as he set off tee wander up the street, he remembered somethin’ that sent a pang of fear racin’ through him - not only had he no entrance fee til the pub, but he also knew that his record was such these days that there was no prospect of any barman givin’ him no credit neither! So he knew that one way or another, he was gonna have tee think of some mug who he could tap up for a lough of bobs, because he sure didn’t want tee spend the whole of the rest of the day hangin’ round the street corners, kickin’ his heels agin the walls, for tee try and keep himself a sorta warm.
But no matter how hard he thought, he couldn’t think of one single half-dacent sowl who’d lend him an itch let alone a few shillin’s. Furthermore, it almost seemed leck people could read his mind, for when they saw him approachin’, they just turned and beetled away in the opposite direction, as fast as they could go. So Geebee knew he was in a real owl pickle and he just didn’t know what he was gonna do. So he squeezed out another owl fart and then wished he hadn’t, for it was worse than the one that he had let rip in his bed earlier on and would have gone round a middlin’ crowd better than a dozen large loaves.
Geebee strolled up the main street til he was outside Billy’s pub. He then stood there with his back til the wall, lookin’ up and down the street, desperately tryin’ tee work out where he was gonna get his entrance fee from. But he had tee stand there for a brave long time and was in fact beginnin’ tee asorta lose heart when suddenly he noticed Maud’s very religious sister, Meg, strugglin’ up the street with heavy bags of shoppin’. Now he knew that there was no way that she’d give him no money for the demon drink. Furthermore, he didn’t know if she’d have heard yit about him gettin’ kicked out on his arse from Maud’s house, because if she had, there’d be a damned good chance that she’d start givin’ him a whole load of owl shite about seein’ the light and repentin’ and all that. So he made tee look the other way and ignore her. But then he suddenly had an idea, which he thought just might possibly work. So he went down til her.
“Hello auntie Meg,” he said coughin’, splutterin’ and snufflin’ away his best, “you’re havin’ a bit of a haul with them there bags .... can I carry them for yee?” Although she gazed at him akinda suspicious-leck, he could tell from the look of her that she hadn’t heard about him gettin’ the big E from Maud’s yit. So he coughed, spluttered and snuffled even more as he reached for her bags.
“My goodness,” she said, “you don’t sound fit enough tee carry yourself, let alone my bags .… what’s wrong with yee?”
Geebee sighed as stoically as he could.
“Och, it’s nawthin’ much auntie Meg, just a wee dose of the flu,” he replied, “but nawthin’ a nice hot toddy and a lovely warm bed wouldn’t soon cure.” Well although he knew she was agin the demon drink, he also knew she probably wouldn’t be agin a medicinal drink leck a hot toddy, for the doctors was never done recommendin’ it on the raddio.
“Well, why don’t you buy a hot toddy and go til your bed then?” she asked. The trap was sprung. He looked at her as forlornly as he could.
“But I haven’t any money on me,” he said, as sadly as he could muster. She reached for her purse and Geebee couldn’t hardly keep himself from bustin’ out laughin’.
“How much does it cost?” she asked. Geebee nearly tolt her the correct price of a glass of whisky. But then he hesitated, as he suddenly remembered an owl sayin’ he’d heard once: “if they’ve got a little, take plenty, but if they’ve got a lot, take it all”. Well, he knew she had only a little, so he tried his luck and went for plenty in his reply.
When an aghast Meg heard the figure, she looked hard at Geebee and he saw her eyebrows shootin’ up. But he knew that because she was such a fierce good Methodist woman, she wouldn’t have a clue about the price of drink and so he hung on til his bluff.
“Aye, I know it sounds quite a lot auntie, doesn’t it,” he went on, “but it really would do me the world of good.” She grimaced, hoked about in her purse and then handed the loot over til him, although, when she did, Geebee noticed she was now lookin’ worse than what he had. But her ailment was different from his - leck it wasn’t flu, but shock she was sufferin’ from.
“Thanks so much auntie Meg,” said Geebee, “you’re an angel, God bless yee.”
Two minutes later, when she was out of sight, Geebee was intil the pub. Not only had he the entrance fee, but enough, if he was very, very careful, tee keep him goin’ one way or another the whole rest of the day and night. As he raised his glass of porter and thought of his auntie Meg, he drank til her very good health. But he also smiled a little smile til himself. My goodness, she had been so gullible and such a walkover. Aye, Ireland was still breedin’ plenty of eegits yit.
When he awoke the next day, it took Geebee a wee while for tee work out where he was exactly. But then it eventually dawned on him that he was in his new home. So he groaned and stuck his head back under the haype of dirty owl blankets and curtains that was his bedclothes. But not long after, he heard the church clock strikin’ 11.00 am, which prompted him tee wonder whether or not tee make some kind of a move. However, it was then that he remembered that he still had another couple of long dreary days tee somehow get through until dole day. So he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just stay in bed the whole day, as this would mane that he would then only have one long dreary day tee somehow get in until glorious dole day arrived. Aye, dole day was the best day of the week, for it meant he would be reborn and become a new man. Bejaysus, life would start all over again and he’d be able tee live as happy as a wee pig in shite, for a wee while at least, until all the dole money would be spent and he’d be broke and back in hell again. He groaned and stuck his head back under the bedclothes.
While he was lyin’ there, half dozin’ and thinkin’ about things, he suddenly let rip a big stale fart that rumpled the bed clothes. Jaysus, the fumes of it immediately took him by the throat and he had no choice but tee come up til the surface for tee get some air before he was gassed. And so that was the start til the first brand new day in Geebee’s new life and as he stuck his head out from beneath the bedclothes, gaspin’ for breath, he wondered what the hell he’d do for the rest of the day. Of course, he could have either started on claynin’ up the house, because it really was in a terrible state, or he could have made a start on weedin’ the garden, which was completely overgrown. But somehow he didn’t feel he had either the energy or the inclination for any of that owl shite. So tee help him with his ruminatin’, he hawked a few green things up from his throat, spat them out across the room and watched as they hit the wall and slithered down til the flooer. Then when that wee job was done, he screwed up his face leck a duck’s arse - for his mouth tasted leck a sewer - and reached for a feg. But that’s when he remembered that he had no fegs left. Well he couldn’t do nawthin’ much until he’d had a feg or two. So he knew that he had no choice but tee go round the whole place and gather up all the butts that was lyin’ about for tee get the tobacco out of them and make a couple of new fegs with bits of owl newspaper.
So Geebee dragged himself out of his filthy, smelly pit, not because he really wanted tee get up or even because he was bustin’ for a piss, but because he desperately needed some nicotine. However, before he started on the feg project, he went outside til the shithouse first, but was so dopey that he pissed half intil the bowl and half over the flooer. After he’d had a slash and half washed the shithouse flooer at the same time, he took a wee look at the garden. When Adele and Stevie had been livin’ there, they’d got the garden lookin’ right nice. But then, what with one thing and another and the neighbour’s alsatian runnin’ around mad in there, uprootin’ all their work and pissin’ and shytin’ all over the place, things had asorta gone til pot. Now Geebee knew that if he was gonna stay there in Salty’s dungeon, he’d have tee do somethin’ about the garden, because that’s what Salty had insisted upon as a part of the dayle. But at that particular moment in his life, Geebee didn’t want no argument with that there maggoty Alsatian next doer. Jaysus, not only did he have these fierce big sharp yellow fangs, but Geebee quickly got the impression from the wicked look in his eyes that he’d be immune til any kick up the arse that Geebee would be fit tee give him and, as a result, the brute would probably do him in good and proper, let there be no doubt about that at all. So he went back inside the house for tee somehow get a feg.
Well he hoked about and found one of the many ash trays which was brimmin’ over with owl stale feg ends from Adele and Stevie’s days there. Although there was also a whole pile of beer bottles lyin’ all around the place as well, there wasn’t a damned drop left in any of them. Geebee sighed. Jaysus, them bottles had been the very welcome things when they’d been full, but now that their contents had all been pissed away long ago, they seemed so cowl and miserable. He started tee break open all the butt ends, for he knew that one way or another, he had tee get a smoke, even if he had tee commit murder for tee get one.
Although Geebee eventually managed tee make himself a sorta homemade feg, bejaysus when he lit it up, my god, it tasted that desperate that it made him start retchin’ and if he’d had anythin’ at all in his belly, sure he’d have puked it up there and then all over the place. But it didn’t put him off and when he eventually quit hayvin’, he started drawin’ on the feg again, for although it was disgustin’, it was nevertheless a smoke of sorts and had nicotine in it. But then he decided he’d better nick it half-way through, for he knew he had the whole day tee see through and probably only enough scraps of tobacco for two or three more of these here homemade fegs. It was then that he decided tee put on his big long coat, his flat cap and his dark glasses and go out and see what was what.
The spring day was bright and clear but cowl and nippy at the same time when he emerged from his lair for tee face the world. As he stood outside the front doer and looked up and down for tee see who was about, he wondered again what he’d do for the rest of the day. And as he set off tee wander up the street, he remembered somethin’ that sent a pang of fear racin’ through him - not only had he no entrance fee til the pub, but he also knew that his record was such these days that there was no prospect of any barman givin’ him no credit neither! So he knew that one way or another, he was gonna have tee think of some mug who he could tap up for a lough of bobs, because he sure didn’t want tee spend the whole of the rest of the day hangin’ round the street corners, kickin’ his heels agin the walls, for tee try and keep himself a sorta warm.
But no matter how hard he thought, he couldn’t think of one single half-dacent sowl who’d lend him an itch let alone a few shillin’s. Furthermore, it almost seemed leck people could read his mind, for when they saw him approachin’, they just turned and beetled away in the opposite direction, as fast as they could go. So Geebee knew he was in a real owl pickle and he just didn’t know what he was gonna do. So he squeezed out another owl fart and then wished he hadn’t, for it was worse than the one that he had let rip in his bed earlier on and would have gone round a middlin’ crowd better than a dozen large loaves.
Geebee strolled up the main street til he was outside Billy’s pub. He then stood there with his back til the wall, lookin’ up and down the street, desperately tryin’ tee work out where he was gonna get his entrance fee from. But he had tee stand there for a brave long time and was in fact beginnin’ tee asorta lose heart when suddenly he noticed Maud’s very religious sister, Meg, strugglin’ up the street with heavy bags of shoppin’. Now he knew that there was no way that she’d give him no money for the demon drink. Furthermore, he didn’t know if she’d have heard yit about him gettin’ kicked out on his arse from Maud’s house, because if she had, there’d be a damned good chance that she’d start givin’ him a whole load of owl shite about seein’ the light and repentin’ and all that. So he made tee look the other way and ignore her. But then he suddenly had an idea, which he thought just might possibly work. So he went down til her.
“Hello auntie Meg,” he said coughin’, splutterin’ and snufflin’ away his best, “you’re havin’ a bit of a haul with them there bags .... can I carry them for yee?” Although she gazed at him akinda suspicious-leck, he could tell from the look of her that she hadn’t heard about him gettin’ the big E from Maud’s yit. So he coughed, spluttered and snuffled even more as he reached for her bags.
“My goodness,” she said, “you don’t sound fit enough tee carry yourself, let alone my bags .… what’s wrong with yee?”
Geebee sighed as stoically as he could.
“Och, it’s nawthin’ much auntie Meg, just a wee dose of the flu,” he replied, “but nawthin’ a nice hot toddy and a lovely warm bed wouldn’t soon cure.” Well although he knew she was agin the demon drink, he also knew she probably wouldn’t be agin a medicinal drink leck a hot toddy, for the doctors was never done recommendin’ it on the raddio.
“Well, why don’t you buy a hot toddy and go til your bed then?” she asked. The trap was sprung. He looked at her as forlornly as he could.
“But I haven’t any money on me,” he said, as sadly as he could muster. She reached for her purse and Geebee couldn’t hardly keep himself from bustin’ out laughin’.
“How much does it cost?” she asked. Geebee nearly tolt her the correct price of a glass of whisky. But then he hesitated, as he suddenly remembered an owl sayin’ he’d heard once: “if they’ve got a little, take plenty, but if they’ve got a lot, take it all”. Well, he knew she had only a little, so he tried his luck and went for plenty in his reply.
When an aghast Meg heard the figure, she looked hard at Geebee and he saw her eyebrows shootin’ up. But he knew that because she was such a fierce good Methodist woman, she wouldn’t have a clue about the price of drink and so he hung on til his bluff.
“Aye, I know it sounds quite a lot auntie, doesn’t it,” he went on, “but it really would do me the world of good.” She grimaced, hoked about in her purse and then handed the loot over til him, although, when she did, Geebee noticed she was now lookin’ worse than what he had. But her ailment was different from his - leck it wasn’t flu, but shock she was sufferin’ from.
“Thanks so much auntie Meg,” said Geebee, “you’re an angel, God bless yee.”
Two minutes later, when she was out of sight, Geebee was intil the pub. Not only had he the entrance fee, but enough, if he was very, very careful, tee keep him goin’ one way or another the whole rest of the day and night. As he raised his glass of porter and thought of his auntie Meg, he drank til her very good health. But he also smiled a little smile til himself. My goodness, she had been so gullible and such a walkover. Aye, Ireland was still breedin’ plenty of eegits yit.
Chapter 16
But Geebee knew that although he’d been lucky this time, he was gonna be confronted with this here dilemma of havin’ no entrance fee many’s the time in the future, unless of course he did somethin’ about it and came up with some sort of strategy for gettin’ himself a few bob on a regular basis. His success with his auntie Meg made him wonder if perhaps he shouldn’t folly the bowel Duke’s example and develop his cadgin’ skills further, for there certainly was plenty of suckers leck auntie Meg around our wee town.
Now Duke was some cowboy, let me tell yee. When Geebee first became a postman round our wee town, he quickly became aware of a very peculiar phenomenon. No matter what the weather was leck - hail, rain or snow - and no matter how early or late he came, there was always a few buckos waitin’ for him regular outside their garden gates. Of course, they always tried to disguise the fact that they was waitin’ for him and so whenever he approached, they’d always be busy tyin’ up their shoe laces, or examinin’ the tyres on their car, or strokin’ a cat, or somethin’ leck that and they would always pretend tee be fierce startled and surprised when Geebee would tap them on the shoulder for tee give them their letters. The fact that the same boyos was always there every day puzzled Geebee a wee bit at first, because he was akinda dumb in those early days. However, it suddenly dawned on him one day what it was all about and why them whoers would have walked one million miles through all the thunder and lightnin’ in hell for tee get a holt of those there letters before their wives, mothers or mothers-in-law or whoever else it was in their family they was afeared of. Aye, it was because the most of those letters was real dynamite, leck final reminders about debts and loans, or threats about revealin’ the truth about the other weemen they was shaggin’ and things leck that. Now, the raison why Geebee got tee know so much about their personal affairs was because he used tee secretly open and read all them dynamite letters.
Well anyway, one bucko who used tee wait regular for Geebee every mornin’ was the bowel Duke. Now Duke had a lovely big house, a nice wife, three chillder, a big car, a good job and always wore smart suits and gave the impression of bein’ the most respectable and honest man you could ever hope tee meet. But although he came across as bein’ real plausible with his fine suits and his great job and so on, he was in fact a no good useless shyster, who owed more than half the country money. But the way he operated, man was he not one real professional! Bejaysus, he was that good at cadgin’ money off gullible mugs that he’d always layve yee feelin’ that he was doin’ yee a real good turn by lettin’ yee lend him money. And was he not one great actor too! Aye, he sure could put on a show at the drop of a hat that would layve yee thinkin’ that he really was in an awful desperate hank. For example, he’d come straight up til yee with a big long face.
“I hate tee ask you,” he’d say til yee in an urgent, pleadin’, pathetic, desperate tone of voice, “but I wonder could you possibly help me out.” Then he’d ask yee for money and if you looked in any way reluctant, sure he’d turn on the tears, just as aisy as if he was turnin’ on a water tap.
“It’s not for me,” he’d wail, “it’s just that I’ve had tee pay some bills and now I have nothin’ left tee feed or clothe the chillder.” Sure how could any dacent man refuse him! And of course the money would nearly always be handed over.
“Now you’ll definitely get this money back at the end of the month when I get me pay cheque,” he’d say. Sure he was that plausible, you couldn’t help but believe him.
“God love you,” he’d continue, “you’ve really saved my bacon …. the kids’ll ate tonight and it’ll all be down til you .... God bless yee.” Sure you’d nearly be in tears yourself listenin’ til him. But sure you never saw him nor the money again. Jaysus, he had a kind of sixth sense and if someone he owed money til was within half a mile or so of where he was, he could almost sense it .... and he’d be off, tout suite, in the opposite direction, as fast as he could go.
However, it wouldn’t have been be so bad if all that money he’d “borrowed” (or should I say stole) had actually been goin’ til the kids. But all they ever got from him was kicks up the arse and clips round their lugs. Naw, whenever he successfully tapped someone for money and they stood and watched him goin’ round the corner clutchin’ their fivers and dryin’ his tears, they probably thought that he was on his way til the nearest grocer’s for tee buy grub for the kiddies. But they were wrong, for in fact where he was really off til was the nearest pub, where he’d burst in through the front doer all laughs, grins and jokes and drink away til his heart’s content, until every last penny piece of the money was gone!
But what about the time he got married! It was the biggest, flashiest weddin’ that had ever been seen round our wee town. There was big cars hired and a marquee, and a couple of bands and lots and lots of fine grub, and the whisky and champagne was overflowin’. Man, it was a great day, a day never tee be forgotten, especially by all those poor suckers who’d rented him the fancy suits and the big cars and the marquee and sold him the booze and provided all the lovely grub and the two bands. Sure all the cheques that Duke gave them bounced. And tee top it all, when he very generously gave the smilin’ praycher a cheque for five times the normal fee for tee pay for the weddin’ service, sure that bounced as well.
Aye, the man had no shame nor conscience. I mane take that time when his brother got kilt in a car accident. Poor Duke was grief-stricken and wept buckets for days. Of course, as per usual, he didn’t have no money, but because he wanted tee give his brother a real good send-off, he begged this publican tee give him some booze on tick. He confessed that although he’d diddled him in the past, he promised him that this time it would be different. Well, he put on such a good show that the publican reluctantly consented and Duke was able tee bury his brother in style with all the beer and whiskey that the publican provided. But with regard til the publican gettin’ paid for all this booze, he never got one penny piece. Aye, when Duke said that he would repay him on a never-never basis, he wasn’t jokin’ for it really was never-never! But it was obvious til anyone who knew him that he’d never pay. Sure he even gave the undertaker a dud cheque.
Jaysus, it was a terra. He must have owed tens of thousands of pounds throughout the whole country and it used tee break Geebee’s heart watchin’ him in action. Them damned barmen would refuse tee give Geebee even one bottle of cowl black stout on tick and yet they’d lend that rogue £100 without even battin’ an eyelid. Sure the man was no better than a common thief. Aye, the way he operated was leck staylin’ money and as for his knowingly passin’ dud cheques, sure that was pure fraud. Yet, there he was, livin’ the life of Riley, happy, free and contented. But if some poor whoer had stolen a £5 note, sure they’d have thrown him in the clink. Ach, sure there was never no justice round them parts at all.
But no man can escape his just deserts forever and eventually he’ll always meet his Waterloo. Now in spite of the fact that Duke had been on the fiddle for many’s the long year, neither his wife nor his dreaded mother-in-law knew a hate about his shenanigans. This was because Duke intercepted all the letters that was on their way til his house, which meant they never got til seein’ any of the bills or poison pen letters and such leck. But there came the time when Geebee decided that Duke deserved a wee bit of a come-uppance. So bein’ the locial postman and also fierce fly, Geebee had no difficulty at all in thinkin’ up a very simple plan that he knew would cook Duke’s goose good and proper. As a result, when Geebee met Duke in the mornin’s, he took til givin’ him only the junk letters and keepin’ the dynamite ones til himself. Then when Geebee had got twenty of these here “hot” ones gathered up, he waited one day until Duke had driven off til work. He then pushed all these letters (includin’ an anonymous one from himself) through Duke’s rusty letter box.
Well when the bowel Duke arrived home at about 5.30 p.m., he’d hardly got out of the car before his mother-in-law and the wife was out tee meet him. My goodness, it sure was a great spectacle. That wicked witch of a mother-in-law took intil smiggin’ Duke and blackenin’ both his eyes, while his wife kicked the shite out of his shins. Then they ate the arse off him as they battered him all the way down the path intil the house. Jaysus, that night the roof on their house never quit shakin’. But as far as Geebee was concerned, it was damned good medicine for the whoer.
Duke was akinda of quiet for a while after that. Not only was he was grounded, curfewed and put under constant surveillance, but all his pay had tee go straight til his wife at the end of each month. There was no pubbin’, nor fuckin’ about neither. In fact his whole life changed completely and, from then on, his routine entailed gettin’ himself off til work early each mornin’ and then gettin’ himself right back home early each evenin’ for excitin’ nights with the family and mother-in-law in front of the TV.
But once a bad egg, always a bad egg and one day the mother-in-law decided tee aise up on him. So she gave him a £10 note and asked him tee go down intil the town and get some groceries in the locial grocery. Well she was just as big an eegit as all the others, for he took the money and headed for the nearest pub, because he could stand the druth no longer. Jaysus, he drank the whole £10. Then he drove 15 miles til a shop where he’d heard there was new owners who he knew wouldn’t know his record and he got all the groceries on tick. Duke’s self-confidence soared after that and soon he was back in business and “borrowin’” money from all and sundry. Sure not even the divil could have kept him down. Now although Geebee was tempted tee folly Duke’s example, it dawned on him after a wee bit of thought that the bowel Duke was too much of a professional and that he was therefore away out of his league. So Geebee decided he’d have tee lower his sights.
But Geebee knew that although he’d been lucky this time, he was gonna be confronted with this here dilemma of havin’ no entrance fee many’s the time in the future, unless of course he did somethin’ about it and came up with some sort of strategy for gettin’ himself a few bob on a regular basis. His success with his auntie Meg made him wonder if perhaps he shouldn’t folly the bowel Duke’s example and develop his cadgin’ skills further, for there certainly was plenty of suckers leck auntie Meg around our wee town.
Now Duke was some cowboy, let me tell yee. When Geebee first became a postman round our wee town, he quickly became aware of a very peculiar phenomenon. No matter what the weather was leck - hail, rain or snow - and no matter how early or late he came, there was always a few buckos waitin’ for him regular outside their garden gates. Of course, they always tried to disguise the fact that they was waitin’ for him and so whenever he approached, they’d always be busy tyin’ up their shoe laces, or examinin’ the tyres on their car, or strokin’ a cat, or somethin’ leck that and they would always pretend tee be fierce startled and surprised when Geebee would tap them on the shoulder for tee give them their letters. The fact that the same boyos was always there every day puzzled Geebee a wee bit at first, because he was akinda dumb in those early days. However, it suddenly dawned on him one day what it was all about and why them whoers would have walked one million miles through all the thunder and lightnin’ in hell for tee get a holt of those there letters before their wives, mothers or mothers-in-law or whoever else it was in their family they was afeared of. Aye, it was because the most of those letters was real dynamite, leck final reminders about debts and loans, or threats about revealin’ the truth about the other weemen they was shaggin’ and things leck that. Now, the raison why Geebee got tee know so much about their personal affairs was because he used tee secretly open and read all them dynamite letters.
Well anyway, one bucko who used tee wait regular for Geebee every mornin’ was the bowel Duke. Now Duke had a lovely big house, a nice wife, three chillder, a big car, a good job and always wore smart suits and gave the impression of bein’ the most respectable and honest man you could ever hope tee meet. But although he came across as bein’ real plausible with his fine suits and his great job and so on, he was in fact a no good useless shyster, who owed more than half the country money. But the way he operated, man was he not one real professional! Bejaysus, he was that good at cadgin’ money off gullible mugs that he’d always layve yee feelin’ that he was doin’ yee a real good turn by lettin’ yee lend him money. And was he not one great actor too! Aye, he sure could put on a show at the drop of a hat that would layve yee thinkin’ that he really was in an awful desperate hank. For example, he’d come straight up til yee with a big long face.
“I hate tee ask you,” he’d say til yee in an urgent, pleadin’, pathetic, desperate tone of voice, “but I wonder could you possibly help me out.” Then he’d ask yee for money and if you looked in any way reluctant, sure he’d turn on the tears, just as aisy as if he was turnin’ on a water tap.
“It’s not for me,” he’d wail, “it’s just that I’ve had tee pay some bills and now I have nothin’ left tee feed or clothe the chillder.” Sure how could any dacent man refuse him! And of course the money would nearly always be handed over.
“Now you’ll definitely get this money back at the end of the month when I get me pay cheque,” he’d say. Sure he was that plausible, you couldn’t help but believe him.
“God love you,” he’d continue, “you’ve really saved my bacon …. the kids’ll ate tonight and it’ll all be down til you .... God bless yee.” Sure you’d nearly be in tears yourself listenin’ til him. But sure you never saw him nor the money again. Jaysus, he had a kind of sixth sense and if someone he owed money til was within half a mile or so of where he was, he could almost sense it .... and he’d be off, tout suite, in the opposite direction, as fast as he could go.
However, it wouldn’t have been be so bad if all that money he’d “borrowed” (or should I say stole) had actually been goin’ til the kids. But all they ever got from him was kicks up the arse and clips round their lugs. Naw, whenever he successfully tapped someone for money and they stood and watched him goin’ round the corner clutchin’ their fivers and dryin’ his tears, they probably thought that he was on his way til the nearest grocer’s for tee buy grub for the kiddies. But they were wrong, for in fact where he was really off til was the nearest pub, where he’d burst in through the front doer all laughs, grins and jokes and drink away til his heart’s content, until every last penny piece of the money was gone!
But what about the time he got married! It was the biggest, flashiest weddin’ that had ever been seen round our wee town. There was big cars hired and a marquee, and a couple of bands and lots and lots of fine grub, and the whisky and champagne was overflowin’. Man, it was a great day, a day never tee be forgotten, especially by all those poor suckers who’d rented him the fancy suits and the big cars and the marquee and sold him the booze and provided all the lovely grub and the two bands. Sure all the cheques that Duke gave them bounced. And tee top it all, when he very generously gave the smilin’ praycher a cheque for five times the normal fee for tee pay for the weddin’ service, sure that bounced as well.
Aye, the man had no shame nor conscience. I mane take that time when his brother got kilt in a car accident. Poor Duke was grief-stricken and wept buckets for days. Of course, as per usual, he didn’t have no money, but because he wanted tee give his brother a real good send-off, he begged this publican tee give him some booze on tick. He confessed that although he’d diddled him in the past, he promised him that this time it would be different. Well, he put on such a good show that the publican reluctantly consented and Duke was able tee bury his brother in style with all the beer and whiskey that the publican provided. But with regard til the publican gettin’ paid for all this booze, he never got one penny piece. Aye, when Duke said that he would repay him on a never-never basis, he wasn’t jokin’ for it really was never-never! But it was obvious til anyone who knew him that he’d never pay. Sure he even gave the undertaker a dud cheque.
Jaysus, it was a terra. He must have owed tens of thousands of pounds throughout the whole country and it used tee break Geebee’s heart watchin’ him in action. Them damned barmen would refuse tee give Geebee even one bottle of cowl black stout on tick and yet they’d lend that rogue £100 without even battin’ an eyelid. Sure the man was no better than a common thief. Aye, the way he operated was leck staylin’ money and as for his knowingly passin’ dud cheques, sure that was pure fraud. Yet, there he was, livin’ the life of Riley, happy, free and contented. But if some poor whoer had stolen a £5 note, sure they’d have thrown him in the clink. Ach, sure there was never no justice round them parts at all.
But no man can escape his just deserts forever and eventually he’ll always meet his Waterloo. Now in spite of the fact that Duke had been on the fiddle for many’s the long year, neither his wife nor his dreaded mother-in-law knew a hate about his shenanigans. This was because Duke intercepted all the letters that was on their way til his house, which meant they never got til seein’ any of the bills or poison pen letters and such leck. But there came the time when Geebee decided that Duke deserved a wee bit of a come-uppance. So bein’ the locial postman and also fierce fly, Geebee had no difficulty at all in thinkin’ up a very simple plan that he knew would cook Duke’s goose good and proper. As a result, when Geebee met Duke in the mornin’s, he took til givin’ him only the junk letters and keepin’ the dynamite ones til himself. Then when Geebee had got twenty of these here “hot” ones gathered up, he waited one day until Duke had driven off til work. He then pushed all these letters (includin’ an anonymous one from himself) through Duke’s rusty letter box.
Well when the bowel Duke arrived home at about 5.30 p.m., he’d hardly got out of the car before his mother-in-law and the wife was out tee meet him. My goodness, it sure was a great spectacle. That wicked witch of a mother-in-law took intil smiggin’ Duke and blackenin’ both his eyes, while his wife kicked the shite out of his shins. Then they ate the arse off him as they battered him all the way down the path intil the house. Jaysus, that night the roof on their house never quit shakin’. But as far as Geebee was concerned, it was damned good medicine for the whoer.
Duke was akinda of quiet for a while after that. Not only was he was grounded, curfewed and put under constant surveillance, but all his pay had tee go straight til his wife at the end of each month. There was no pubbin’, nor fuckin’ about neither. In fact his whole life changed completely and, from then on, his routine entailed gettin’ himself off til work early each mornin’ and then gettin’ himself right back home early each evenin’ for excitin’ nights with the family and mother-in-law in front of the TV.
But once a bad egg, always a bad egg and one day the mother-in-law decided tee aise up on him. So she gave him a £10 note and asked him tee go down intil the town and get some groceries in the locial grocery. Well she was just as big an eegit as all the others, for he took the money and headed for the nearest pub, because he could stand the druth no longer. Jaysus, he drank the whole £10. Then he drove 15 miles til a shop where he’d heard there was new owners who he knew wouldn’t know his record and he got all the groceries on tick. Duke’s self-confidence soared after that and soon he was back in business and “borrowin’” money from all and sundry. Sure not even the divil could have kept him down. Now although Geebee was tempted tee folly Duke’s example, it dawned on him after a wee bit of thought that the bowel Duke was too much of a professional and that he was therefore away out of his league. So Geebee decided he’d have tee lower his sights.
Chapter 17
When Geebee woke up the follyin’ mornin’, he was faced with a dilemma: he didn’t have one penny piece til his name and there was still one last useless empty day tee go before the best day of the week - dole day! So he decided that because there wasn’t really nawthin’ tee get up for, he’d spend the day in bed. But the sneg about lyin’ in bed durin’ the day was that he couldn’t sleep a wink that night and when everyone else round our wee town was fast asleep in their beds, there he was, wide awake and goin’ half mad. Aye, and all the while, the tension was gettin’ worse and worse in him. Furthermore, as he tossed and turned the whole night in his smelly pit, it began tee dawn on him how much he loved and missed Maud and how he’d do absolutely anythin’ for tee be let back home again.
After what seemed leck an eternity, he looked out the windy and caught a glimpse of the mornin’ sun beginnin’ tee show its face. What a beautiful moment that was. Eurika, dole day at long last! And later, my goodness, but was it not heaven tee hear the lovely music of five and ten pound notes cracklin’ their way across the counter til him. Then that beautiful sense of relief when he was able tee walk intil a bar, raise a glass of whisky til his lips and have a drink of paradise. Jaysus, tee be able tee drink himself intil oblivion and escape from himself, his problems and all the drudgery and shite that was around him. Sure it was absolutely fantastic. However, his sense of elation didn’t last long and no matter how much he drank, he just couldn’t escape completely from the nightmare that was his life. While he’d thought things had been pretty rough at Maud’s, it had been utopia compared til life in Salty’s dungeon. As for tryin’ tee look after himself, sure he didn’t have a clue. Aye, because he somehow couldn’t get himself organised tee do any housework now and again, the whole place was a real tip, with dirty greasy plates and cups litterin’ the whole kip. On top of that, because there was never no grub about the place, he was forever ravinous. But not only that, he was always cowl on account of him not wantin’ tee spend good drinkin’ money on payin’ damned elecatricity bills.
As the mornin’ wore on, Geebee became more and more depressed about his situation. He knew that it wouldn’t be long until Salty would be round bangin’ on the doer lookin’ for the rent and that he’d have tee hide and pretend he wasn’t in, because as far as Geebee was concerned, Salty was not gonna get one penny piece until such times as things improved and Geebee perhaps got a good win on the horses, when maybe he’d give him a lough of shillin’s rent - if he was lucky. Aye, it was beginnin’ tee really dawn on Geebee that, apart from dole day and those times when he could get intil a pub tee hang about all day, his life was gonna be totally empty and that if things went on this way, it’d end up that each week, there’d only be about two days just about worth livin’ at all, with the other five bein’ a complete waste of life, with nawthin’ for him tee do but mooch about the cowl windy streets or lie in bed at home dozin’. So once again he wracked his brains as til how he was gonna get out of this here desperate predicament and back intil the land of the livin’. It was then that he first got the idea that perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea for tee write til uncle Edward’s family in England for tee offer his condolences and somehow ask for a bob or two at the same time. So when he eventually arrived back home, he got a piece of paper for tee compose a letter. But somehow, he couldn’t think of one word tee write and he drifted off til sleep.
When Geebee woke up the follyin’ mornin’, he was faced with a dilemma: he didn’t have one penny piece til his name and there was still one last useless empty day tee go before the best day of the week - dole day! So he decided that because there wasn’t really nawthin’ tee get up for, he’d spend the day in bed. But the sneg about lyin’ in bed durin’ the day was that he couldn’t sleep a wink that night and when everyone else round our wee town was fast asleep in their beds, there he was, wide awake and goin’ half mad. Aye, and all the while, the tension was gettin’ worse and worse in him. Furthermore, as he tossed and turned the whole night in his smelly pit, it began tee dawn on him how much he loved and missed Maud and how he’d do absolutely anythin’ for tee be let back home again.
After what seemed leck an eternity, he looked out the windy and caught a glimpse of the mornin’ sun beginnin’ tee show its face. What a beautiful moment that was. Eurika, dole day at long last! And later, my goodness, but was it not heaven tee hear the lovely music of five and ten pound notes cracklin’ their way across the counter til him. Then that beautiful sense of relief when he was able tee walk intil a bar, raise a glass of whisky til his lips and have a drink of paradise. Jaysus, tee be able tee drink himself intil oblivion and escape from himself, his problems and all the drudgery and shite that was around him. Sure it was absolutely fantastic. However, his sense of elation didn’t last long and no matter how much he drank, he just couldn’t escape completely from the nightmare that was his life. While he’d thought things had been pretty rough at Maud’s, it had been utopia compared til life in Salty’s dungeon. As for tryin’ tee look after himself, sure he didn’t have a clue. Aye, because he somehow couldn’t get himself organised tee do any housework now and again, the whole place was a real tip, with dirty greasy plates and cups litterin’ the whole kip. On top of that, because there was never no grub about the place, he was forever ravinous. But not only that, he was always cowl on account of him not wantin’ tee spend good drinkin’ money on payin’ damned elecatricity bills.
As the mornin’ wore on, Geebee became more and more depressed about his situation. He knew that it wouldn’t be long until Salty would be round bangin’ on the doer lookin’ for the rent and that he’d have tee hide and pretend he wasn’t in, because as far as Geebee was concerned, Salty was not gonna get one penny piece until such times as things improved and Geebee perhaps got a good win on the horses, when maybe he’d give him a lough of shillin’s rent - if he was lucky. Aye, it was beginnin’ tee really dawn on Geebee that, apart from dole day and those times when he could get intil a pub tee hang about all day, his life was gonna be totally empty and that if things went on this way, it’d end up that each week, there’d only be about two days just about worth livin’ at all, with the other five bein’ a complete waste of life, with nawthin’ for him tee do but mooch about the cowl windy streets or lie in bed at home dozin’. So once again he wracked his brains as til how he was gonna get out of this here desperate predicament and back intil the land of the livin’. It was then that he first got the idea that perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea for tee write til uncle Edward’s family in England for tee offer his condolences and somehow ask for a bob or two at the same time. So when he eventually arrived back home, he got a piece of paper for tee compose a letter. But somehow, he couldn’t think of one word tee write and he drifted off til sleep.
Chapter 18
When Geebee larnt that there was a dance on that night up in the locial recreation hall, his first reaction was tee go. But then he changed his mind because he only had a few bobs in his pocket, which had tee somehow last him til the next dole day. However, later on, after he’d thought about it for a wee while, he changed his mind again and decided tee go after all. This was because he knew from experience that if he didn’t go, he’d be nearly bound tee miss somethin’ real good. Aye, yee never knew what whoer was gonna be there, or who was gonna get a box in the mouth, or a kick up the criggs, or who’d be ridin’ the arse off who, or whatever. So because Geebee was so scarred of missin’ somethin’ real good, he decided he’d go til the dance, no matter what.
Havin’ made that decision, Geebee wasn’t sure what tee do next! He knew he couldn’t go til the dance sober and, at the same time, he didn’t have enough cash tee go boozin’ with the boys. So he got himself a chaype bottle of red wine and immediately hid it under his coat, for he was terrible afeared of any of the boys seein’ it and wantin’ a swig out of it. He then headed off til a quiet spot, intent on drinkin’ every last drop of this here wine on his lone, even if it kilt him. In fact, it was his intention tee layve that bottle so dry that not even an amoeba coulda got tipsy on what was left. But it just didn’t seem leck it was gonna be Geebee’s night. Jaysus, he swallowed the sweet sickly syrupy liquid in three gulps - and brought it all back up again in one. Man, it nearly all spewed out til waste over the grass. But he managed tee retain some of it in his mouth, along with some pays, tomatoes and chips from his tay and then, when his stomach had quit hayvin’, he swallyed the whole lot back down again. But sure it wasn’t near enough and there he was, headin’ for a dance, stone cold sober!
So far lady luck had frowned on Geebee. But then she smiled. Some stupid whoer had left a dozen bottles of Tuborg Gold Label beer on the back sayte of his car, which was unlocked. So Geebee had them all out in a flash and was away with them behind the hedge quicker than a cat could lick its arse. But Geebee didn’t feel all that guilty about staylin’ this here beer. On the contrary, he felt he was actually doin’ the gonch a good turn in that his action would mane that the buck’s hangover the next day wouldn’t be half as bad as it would have been if he’d drunk all that there Gold Label himself. So although he would no doubt be a touch annoyed when he found the bottles all gone, he’d eventually end up bein’ thankful til the dacent fellow who’d done him this here kind favour. While Geebee sat in the bushes drinkin’ all this guy’s beer, he toasted his very good health with every bottle. Then when he’d finished drinkin’ them all, he decided that because he was feelin’ generous, he’d take the empty bottles back til the car so that the buck could get the deposit back on them the next day. Aye, Geebee wasn’t really such a bad whoer after all.
It was gettin’ on for midnight when Geebee arrived in at the dance and although the hall was packed, none of the cowardly whoers was up dancin’. Geebee was in a kinda haze, which was nice. He also felt safe and relaxed at bein’ on home territory, for he knew that there was virtually no chance of him gettin’ bate up by owl enemies from other towns, because he knew them boyos would have more wit than tee come til any dance in our wee town.
Now although Geebee had never been intil fightin’ other bucks and was, as a result, never nawthin’ more than a spectator whenever rows broke out, he nevertheless thought watchin’ dance hall brawls was the best of good valyeh when he was in his teens. Jaysus, he found it really fascinatin’ when one of his mates would creep up on some unsuspectin’ “enemy” and give him a real good scud from behind, which would land him on his arse on the flooer. Jaysus, it had all been so excitin’ and had given Geebee and all the other boys such a real buzz. Then of course, they’d have somethin’ real good tee talk about for days after, about how brave they’d been and how they’d really shown that no-good useless bastard a lesson he’d never forget and so on. Aye, and the bigger and bloodier the battle, the better it had been. But one of the best battles was that last time when some of the “enemy” had come til a dance in our wee town. Geebee’s mates had been forewarned and they was waitin’ for them. Bejaysus, they bate the shite out of them and they never came back again.
Aye, as far as Geebee was concerned, those had been the good owl days. However, as the years had gone by, it had become less and less fun. The trouble was that if one of your mates hit some buck, he’d always want tee get his own back on your mate and also anyone else who was connected with him, which meant that although Geebee never actually hit nobody, he became a target nevertheless because he was a chum of the original assailants. But what made it worse was if you hit someone, it meant you hit all his chums as well, so tee spayke. So instead of havin’ just the handful of individual clifts that yee knew your mates had hit after yee, yee could end up havin’ a whole pile, includin’ a whole pile yee mightn’t recognise as bein’ the enemy until it was too late and you was lyin’ on your arse on the dancehall flooer, spittin’ out blood and guts and frettin’ about how long it’d take for tee get the false teeth you’d be needin’ now and how many people would laugh at yee as yee tried tee talk through toothless gums until the dentist had sorted yee out. Aye, the real big sneg about smiggin’ people was that they tended not tee forget and they’d hunt yee down, even if it took them years for tee get a poke back at you. But Geebee was gettin’ too owl for all that sort of shite, especially as he lecked tee be able tee concentrate on findin’ weemen without all the time havin’ tee keep lookin’ over his shoulder for enemies who’d split him from ear til ear, if only they could get the chance.
But tee get back til the dance, after he’d had a wee look around, Geebee decided tee move away from all the hillbilly cowboys who was standin’ just inside the hall because he was afeared that they might harm his chances with the weemen. Even though them boyos was all dolled up in their Sunday best suits, he could tell that they was all country boys because he could smell the pigshite off them. But not only that, they looked an awful rough, ignorant bunch of hallions, slabberin’ about and gawkin’ at the weemen and all as full as shucks. Geebee just couldn’t understand them at all, comin’ there tee hang around the arse of the hall and do nawthin’ but watch the whole show, week after week, year after year, never even gettin’ a dance let alone a woman. Although Geebee hadn’t bothered tee wash, shave or get dressed up, he still felt he was a cut above all those bucks and had a better chance than them of scorin’.
Well anyway, down at the other end of the hall was all the weemen and Geebee could see that the usual mixture of them was there. First of all, quite a few of the well-known rides was there, all tarted up in their short skirts, with their mouths all covered with lipstick and the fumes of chaype perfume hoverin’ above their heads. Man, anybody who didn’t know them would have probably thought that some of them good things was real nice girls, until of course when they got off with one of them and then had tee go til the doctor with a weepin’ willy a lough of days later. But aside from the rides, there was also quite a few very “nice” bits of fluff who wasn’t after cock but instead “love and romance” and husbands, Sadly for Geebee however, although he would love tee have got intil a relationship with one of these “nice” girls, they all seemed tee steer well clear of him on account of his rather wild nature, excessive drinkin’ and his propensity for gettin’ intil bother.
As Geebee wandered about the hall, all the cowboys was starin’ and gawkin’ at the girls leck they was heifers and as far as Geebee was concerned, it was quite plain from the stupid ignorant looks on their faces what they was after, or would leck tee have been after if only they’d had the nerve for tee make a move. What wasn’t helpin’ them of course was that the hall lights was, as per usual, fierce bright. Now this of course suited all those owl vultures who was sittin’ round the walls of the hall (and who each had a nose as long as a snake’s arse), because it meant they could watch every single move and not miss one single trick and therefore have plenty tee gossip about the follyin’ mornin’. But the bright lights tended tee deter any shy boyos from makin’ a move, because they was always afeared that they’d be turned down by some lassie and then be ridiculed by their mates, when they’d made the long walk back down the dance flooer and returned til the “fold” at the back of the hall.
Although Geebee did ask a few of the “nice” girls tee dance, they either fled after the first set of three or turned him down flat. So his mind began tee turn til the good things instead. However, the most of them that had been available now seemed tee be all now taken. But time was flyin’ on! He suddenly started tee feel panicky, because he knew that if he didn’t score very soon, he’d end up on his own yit again! But then he saw Sexy Lexy arrivin’ in the hall on her own and it was obvious she was available.
Geebee nearly shit himself. Sexy Lexy had gone away for a while from our wee town for tee drop a bastard and now she was back, all ready for tee get creeled again. Geebee’s stomach turned, for not only did he know she was a dead cert, but he’d heard she was a really good ride, who’d do anythin’ tee playse yee. At the same time, Geebee knew he’d have tee move real quick, for if he didn’t, it’d only be a matter of seconds before the other boys would be queuin’ up for tee get off with her. However, Geebee felt a wee bit inhibited because he realised that all the vultures was watchin’ leck hawks for tee see which of them boyos would be after “that dirty wee slut”. But then Geebee said til himself “fuck them owl whoers, they’ll not stop me” and three people nearly went on their arses as he made a plunge for Sexy Lexy. She didn’t refuse of course when Geebee managed tee get grabbin’ her arm - just half a step in front of Noddy - and he was as playsed as punch as he put his arms around her, for he knew that he’d definitely be samplin’ her favours before the night was out. His crotch swelled up immediately in anticipation of later on and, as they came together close tee dance a slow one, she really held it up til him. Jaysus, he was in heaven.
Well anyway, Geebee and Sexy Lexy set off dancin’ round the hall and Geebee felt a real chief and was winkin’ and leerin’ at the boys. When the first set of dances came til an end, he didn’t bother tryin’ tee chat her up, because they didn’t really have nawthin’ in common that they could talk about and anyway, the way that she was still holdin’ it up til him tolt him that she was definitely gonna be his that night and that therefore there wasn’t really no need for him tee spout any owl sickly bullshite til her. Then the next set of dances started up and away they went again. As they whirled around the dance flooer in a blur, Geebee put her hand surreptitiously down on til the bulge in his trousers. Man, she didn’t hesitate and gave it a nice wee rub without one single vulture seein’ a thing. Jaysus, Geebee’s boy was rarin’ tee go, really pullin’ at the reins, and puttin’ his zip under severe pressure. The only worry he had at the time was that maybe he’d get a dose of the clap off her when he’d be ridin’ the arse off her later on.
As time went on, Geebee became increasingly conscious of the way the owl vultures was watchin’ him and Sexy Lexy and he could see them talkin’ behind their hands and noddin’ towards them. So Geebee decided that he’d ask Sexy Lexy outside for a bit of a buck behind the hedge, because he didn’t want tee have to wait til the end of the dance for tee get his hole off her. He also knew that when he’d be finished with her, that would that and that he wouldn’t have tee worry about how he was gonna layve her home, because there’d be no shortage of other whoers queuin’ up tee take her home in their cars and get a ride out of her too. However, when the set of dances was over, Geebee got the quare gunck when he put it til Sexy Lexy that they should go outside for a wee bit of a coourt. Now he’d confidently expected her tee say aye, but she said naw, that she never left a dance before it was over, and naw, she wouldn’t go out, not even for just ten minutes. Jaysus, Geebee was stunned, for he knew he’d have tee stay with her, under the eyes of all those vultures, for at least another hour. But what was makin’ it all worse was that he had started tee feel two things - sobriety quickly comin’ on and also the growin’ and irresistible urge for tee have a big piss. In fact, the urge for a piss was growin’ so strong, that his lad was no longer standin’ til attention and the thought of a big long piss seemed more leck heaven than a big long ride.
Well as time dragged on, Geebee’s agony got absolutely unbearable and he knew that, although there wasn’t long tee go, he wasn’t gonna be able tee hang on till the end of the dance and that because he couldn’t hardly take her with him intil the gents, he’d have tee take an awful risk and layve her on her own outside the shithouse for about a minute at the very most. So Geebee tolt her he’d have tee go til the gents, but that he’d be right back immediately and that she should wait for him. When Sexy Lexy nodded, Geebee took her til the gents’ doer for tee wait outside for him.
Poor Geebee was in the greatest of agony as he hobbled intil the gents - with one hand on his crutch - and he was in such a hurry on his way in that he nearly knocked Noddy over on his way out. A pang of panic ran through Geebee and he wanted tee immediately run back out for tee make sure Noddy wouldn’t go nowhere near his Sexy Lexy. But he needed that piss too badly. So he opened his flies and took his boy out. What a beautiful sensation it was as it gushed out in a big long hot stream! However, Geebee was in such a hurry, he didn’t bother tee give it a good shake after he was finished and when he went tee put his lad back intil his trousers, sure it dripped all over his light blue trousers, layvin’ a damp stain for the whole world tee see. But not only that, he was rushin’ that much that he got his boy caught in the zip and as he struggled leck hell for tee get him free, an eternity of time seemed tee be passin’ by. He began shakin’ with fear and anxiety.
When eventually Geebee got the tiger back intil its cage, he went out on til the dance hall flooer again and was just in time tee see Noddy and Sexy Lexy dancin’ by. Bejaysus Geebee was sick, especially as he could see that there was only about ten minutes tee go until the end of the dance. Ten minutes and then Sexy Lexy would be away with Noddy and soon she’d be strokin’ his cock and puttin’ it intil her mouth and then slippin’ it intil her hole, while he’d be lyin’ up groanin’ and sighin’, enjoyin’ the best ride of his life. Jaysus, Geebee felt desperate sick, but what the hell could he do! Sexy Lexy didn’t seem tee care who rode her, just as long as he had a cock. As for Noddy, he was far too big a buck for Geebee tee challenge.
Then the dance was over and they played the National Anthem. Geebee felt so bad lookin’ at Sexy Lexy and Noddy, he wanted tee go outside right away. However, he couldn’t do that, for he knew the vultures would notice and say “that boyo’s some whoer …. he wouldn’t even stand for the Queen!”.
When the anthem was over, all the people started goin’ home. Because Geebee felt so lonely and frustrated, he didn’t feel nawthin’ leck ready for goin’ back til Salty’s desolate dungeon. So he walked about the lonely dark streets of our wee town for a long time after that.
At one stage he noticed Alastair dukin’ about in the shadows and it was obvious that he was on his way up til Biddy Bowles for tee get his hole off her while her husband was out on patrol. It crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should folly him and, when he’d given him enough time for tee get on the job, he’d throw some stones through the windy. Then when the neighbours would come out for tee see what the hell was goin’ on, he’d cry “I’ve just seen a burglar goin’ in there”. But Geebee decided that he’d let Alastair go on ahead about his business. Sure what good would it have done, landin’ the whoer in the shite leck that!
Then a car zoomed up the street. When Geebee turned his head for tee have a look, he saw it was Denny’s car and he realised that he was obviously headin’ off til his night shift. Geebee’s heart started flutterin’, for he knew that this meant that Denny’s wife Ruby would be all alone at home. Now Geebee had heard it often said that not only was she fierce fond of the cock, but that many’s the buck from around our wee town had had their hole off her behind the bowel Denny’s back. So there was still some hope! Geebee’s heart began tee thump as he ran down the street.
When he got down til Denny’s house, the lights was still on which meant that she was still up and he hoped that, if his luck was in, it wouldn’t be long until he’d be up too – in her!. Geebee’s trousers began tee move as he rang the doerbell. Within no time at all, he could hear her footsteps comin’ down the hall and see the shape of her through the frosted glass in the front doer. Geebee started tee smile a wee sleekit smile when the door was bein’ opened.
“What do you want? .... this is no time tee be knockin’ people up.” Geebee tried tee spayke but nothin’ would come out.
“Look I can’t stand around here all night! .... so what do you want?” Geebee gulped.
“It’s an emergency, me friend has run out of petrol,” Geebee replied, “I need a gallon please.”
“Have yee a can?” Geebee shook his head.
“Och, all you boys are the same .... do yous think I walk about at three in the mornin’ with empty petrol cans in me hands .... look, there’s one over there behind the pump .... but I want it back tomorrow.” Jaysus, things wasn’t goin’ right at all! Geebee put a gallon intil the can.
“Right,” said Denny, “I hope you have the right money.” Geebee counted out the money from what little was left in his pocket and handed it over.
“Thanks Denny, you’re a real pal,” Geebee said, “I’m sorry for botherin’ you.” Denny nodded and shut the doer. Geebee nearly collapsed with relief. But he knew he’d definitely have tee change his underpants in the mornin’.
The streets was lonely and bare. There was no noise but the sound of rubbish flutterin’ about the pavements and the slosh, slosh, slosh of the petrol in the can. It crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should duke around the town one more time for tee see if there was any weemen at all about. But then he decided tee go on home. Sure how the hell could he go coourtin’ with a can of petrol in his hand! So back he went til Salty’s lonely bare little dungeon, petrol can and all.
When Geebee larnt that there was a dance on that night up in the locial recreation hall, his first reaction was tee go. But then he changed his mind because he only had a few bobs in his pocket, which had tee somehow last him til the next dole day. However, later on, after he’d thought about it for a wee while, he changed his mind again and decided tee go after all. This was because he knew from experience that if he didn’t go, he’d be nearly bound tee miss somethin’ real good. Aye, yee never knew what whoer was gonna be there, or who was gonna get a box in the mouth, or a kick up the criggs, or who’d be ridin’ the arse off who, or whatever. So because Geebee was so scarred of missin’ somethin’ real good, he decided he’d go til the dance, no matter what.
Havin’ made that decision, Geebee wasn’t sure what tee do next! He knew he couldn’t go til the dance sober and, at the same time, he didn’t have enough cash tee go boozin’ with the boys. So he got himself a chaype bottle of red wine and immediately hid it under his coat, for he was terrible afeared of any of the boys seein’ it and wantin’ a swig out of it. He then headed off til a quiet spot, intent on drinkin’ every last drop of this here wine on his lone, even if it kilt him. In fact, it was his intention tee layve that bottle so dry that not even an amoeba coulda got tipsy on what was left. But it just didn’t seem leck it was gonna be Geebee’s night. Jaysus, he swallowed the sweet sickly syrupy liquid in three gulps - and brought it all back up again in one. Man, it nearly all spewed out til waste over the grass. But he managed tee retain some of it in his mouth, along with some pays, tomatoes and chips from his tay and then, when his stomach had quit hayvin’, he swallyed the whole lot back down again. But sure it wasn’t near enough and there he was, headin’ for a dance, stone cold sober!
So far lady luck had frowned on Geebee. But then she smiled. Some stupid whoer had left a dozen bottles of Tuborg Gold Label beer on the back sayte of his car, which was unlocked. So Geebee had them all out in a flash and was away with them behind the hedge quicker than a cat could lick its arse. But Geebee didn’t feel all that guilty about staylin’ this here beer. On the contrary, he felt he was actually doin’ the gonch a good turn in that his action would mane that the buck’s hangover the next day wouldn’t be half as bad as it would have been if he’d drunk all that there Gold Label himself. So although he would no doubt be a touch annoyed when he found the bottles all gone, he’d eventually end up bein’ thankful til the dacent fellow who’d done him this here kind favour. While Geebee sat in the bushes drinkin’ all this guy’s beer, he toasted his very good health with every bottle. Then when he’d finished drinkin’ them all, he decided that because he was feelin’ generous, he’d take the empty bottles back til the car so that the buck could get the deposit back on them the next day. Aye, Geebee wasn’t really such a bad whoer after all.
It was gettin’ on for midnight when Geebee arrived in at the dance and although the hall was packed, none of the cowardly whoers was up dancin’. Geebee was in a kinda haze, which was nice. He also felt safe and relaxed at bein’ on home territory, for he knew that there was virtually no chance of him gettin’ bate up by owl enemies from other towns, because he knew them boyos would have more wit than tee come til any dance in our wee town.
Now although Geebee had never been intil fightin’ other bucks and was, as a result, never nawthin’ more than a spectator whenever rows broke out, he nevertheless thought watchin’ dance hall brawls was the best of good valyeh when he was in his teens. Jaysus, he found it really fascinatin’ when one of his mates would creep up on some unsuspectin’ “enemy” and give him a real good scud from behind, which would land him on his arse on the flooer. Jaysus, it had all been so excitin’ and had given Geebee and all the other boys such a real buzz. Then of course, they’d have somethin’ real good tee talk about for days after, about how brave they’d been and how they’d really shown that no-good useless bastard a lesson he’d never forget and so on. Aye, and the bigger and bloodier the battle, the better it had been. But one of the best battles was that last time when some of the “enemy” had come til a dance in our wee town. Geebee’s mates had been forewarned and they was waitin’ for them. Bejaysus, they bate the shite out of them and they never came back again.
Aye, as far as Geebee was concerned, those had been the good owl days. However, as the years had gone by, it had become less and less fun. The trouble was that if one of your mates hit some buck, he’d always want tee get his own back on your mate and also anyone else who was connected with him, which meant that although Geebee never actually hit nobody, he became a target nevertheless because he was a chum of the original assailants. But what made it worse was if you hit someone, it meant you hit all his chums as well, so tee spayke. So instead of havin’ just the handful of individual clifts that yee knew your mates had hit after yee, yee could end up havin’ a whole pile, includin’ a whole pile yee mightn’t recognise as bein’ the enemy until it was too late and you was lyin’ on your arse on the dancehall flooer, spittin’ out blood and guts and frettin’ about how long it’d take for tee get the false teeth you’d be needin’ now and how many people would laugh at yee as yee tried tee talk through toothless gums until the dentist had sorted yee out. Aye, the real big sneg about smiggin’ people was that they tended not tee forget and they’d hunt yee down, even if it took them years for tee get a poke back at you. But Geebee was gettin’ too owl for all that sort of shite, especially as he lecked tee be able tee concentrate on findin’ weemen without all the time havin’ tee keep lookin’ over his shoulder for enemies who’d split him from ear til ear, if only they could get the chance.
But tee get back til the dance, after he’d had a wee look around, Geebee decided tee move away from all the hillbilly cowboys who was standin’ just inside the hall because he was afeared that they might harm his chances with the weemen. Even though them boyos was all dolled up in their Sunday best suits, he could tell that they was all country boys because he could smell the pigshite off them. But not only that, they looked an awful rough, ignorant bunch of hallions, slabberin’ about and gawkin’ at the weemen and all as full as shucks. Geebee just couldn’t understand them at all, comin’ there tee hang around the arse of the hall and do nawthin’ but watch the whole show, week after week, year after year, never even gettin’ a dance let alone a woman. Although Geebee hadn’t bothered tee wash, shave or get dressed up, he still felt he was a cut above all those bucks and had a better chance than them of scorin’.
Well anyway, down at the other end of the hall was all the weemen and Geebee could see that the usual mixture of them was there. First of all, quite a few of the well-known rides was there, all tarted up in their short skirts, with their mouths all covered with lipstick and the fumes of chaype perfume hoverin’ above their heads. Man, anybody who didn’t know them would have probably thought that some of them good things was real nice girls, until of course when they got off with one of them and then had tee go til the doctor with a weepin’ willy a lough of days later. But aside from the rides, there was also quite a few very “nice” bits of fluff who wasn’t after cock but instead “love and romance” and husbands, Sadly for Geebee however, although he would love tee have got intil a relationship with one of these “nice” girls, they all seemed tee steer well clear of him on account of his rather wild nature, excessive drinkin’ and his propensity for gettin’ intil bother.
As Geebee wandered about the hall, all the cowboys was starin’ and gawkin’ at the girls leck they was heifers and as far as Geebee was concerned, it was quite plain from the stupid ignorant looks on their faces what they was after, or would leck tee have been after if only they’d had the nerve for tee make a move. What wasn’t helpin’ them of course was that the hall lights was, as per usual, fierce bright. Now this of course suited all those owl vultures who was sittin’ round the walls of the hall (and who each had a nose as long as a snake’s arse), because it meant they could watch every single move and not miss one single trick and therefore have plenty tee gossip about the follyin’ mornin’. But the bright lights tended tee deter any shy boyos from makin’ a move, because they was always afeared that they’d be turned down by some lassie and then be ridiculed by their mates, when they’d made the long walk back down the dance flooer and returned til the “fold” at the back of the hall.
Although Geebee did ask a few of the “nice” girls tee dance, they either fled after the first set of three or turned him down flat. So his mind began tee turn til the good things instead. However, the most of them that had been available now seemed tee be all now taken. But time was flyin’ on! He suddenly started tee feel panicky, because he knew that if he didn’t score very soon, he’d end up on his own yit again! But then he saw Sexy Lexy arrivin’ in the hall on her own and it was obvious she was available.
Geebee nearly shit himself. Sexy Lexy had gone away for a while from our wee town for tee drop a bastard and now she was back, all ready for tee get creeled again. Geebee’s stomach turned, for not only did he know she was a dead cert, but he’d heard she was a really good ride, who’d do anythin’ tee playse yee. At the same time, Geebee knew he’d have tee move real quick, for if he didn’t, it’d only be a matter of seconds before the other boys would be queuin’ up for tee get off with her. However, Geebee felt a wee bit inhibited because he realised that all the vultures was watchin’ leck hawks for tee see which of them boyos would be after “that dirty wee slut”. But then Geebee said til himself “fuck them owl whoers, they’ll not stop me” and three people nearly went on their arses as he made a plunge for Sexy Lexy. She didn’t refuse of course when Geebee managed tee get grabbin’ her arm - just half a step in front of Noddy - and he was as playsed as punch as he put his arms around her, for he knew that he’d definitely be samplin’ her favours before the night was out. His crotch swelled up immediately in anticipation of later on and, as they came together close tee dance a slow one, she really held it up til him. Jaysus, he was in heaven.
Well anyway, Geebee and Sexy Lexy set off dancin’ round the hall and Geebee felt a real chief and was winkin’ and leerin’ at the boys. When the first set of dances came til an end, he didn’t bother tryin’ tee chat her up, because they didn’t really have nawthin’ in common that they could talk about and anyway, the way that she was still holdin’ it up til him tolt him that she was definitely gonna be his that night and that therefore there wasn’t really no need for him tee spout any owl sickly bullshite til her. Then the next set of dances started up and away they went again. As they whirled around the dance flooer in a blur, Geebee put her hand surreptitiously down on til the bulge in his trousers. Man, she didn’t hesitate and gave it a nice wee rub without one single vulture seein’ a thing. Jaysus, Geebee’s boy was rarin’ tee go, really pullin’ at the reins, and puttin’ his zip under severe pressure. The only worry he had at the time was that maybe he’d get a dose of the clap off her when he’d be ridin’ the arse off her later on.
As time went on, Geebee became increasingly conscious of the way the owl vultures was watchin’ him and Sexy Lexy and he could see them talkin’ behind their hands and noddin’ towards them. So Geebee decided that he’d ask Sexy Lexy outside for a bit of a buck behind the hedge, because he didn’t want tee have to wait til the end of the dance for tee get his hole off her. He also knew that when he’d be finished with her, that would that and that he wouldn’t have tee worry about how he was gonna layve her home, because there’d be no shortage of other whoers queuin’ up tee take her home in their cars and get a ride out of her too. However, when the set of dances was over, Geebee got the quare gunck when he put it til Sexy Lexy that they should go outside for a wee bit of a coourt. Now he’d confidently expected her tee say aye, but she said naw, that she never left a dance before it was over, and naw, she wouldn’t go out, not even for just ten minutes. Jaysus, Geebee was stunned, for he knew he’d have tee stay with her, under the eyes of all those vultures, for at least another hour. But what was makin’ it all worse was that he had started tee feel two things - sobriety quickly comin’ on and also the growin’ and irresistible urge for tee have a big piss. In fact, the urge for a piss was growin’ so strong, that his lad was no longer standin’ til attention and the thought of a big long piss seemed more leck heaven than a big long ride.
Well as time dragged on, Geebee’s agony got absolutely unbearable and he knew that, although there wasn’t long tee go, he wasn’t gonna be able tee hang on till the end of the dance and that because he couldn’t hardly take her with him intil the gents, he’d have tee take an awful risk and layve her on her own outside the shithouse for about a minute at the very most. So Geebee tolt her he’d have tee go til the gents, but that he’d be right back immediately and that she should wait for him. When Sexy Lexy nodded, Geebee took her til the gents’ doer for tee wait outside for him.
Poor Geebee was in the greatest of agony as he hobbled intil the gents - with one hand on his crutch - and he was in such a hurry on his way in that he nearly knocked Noddy over on his way out. A pang of panic ran through Geebee and he wanted tee immediately run back out for tee make sure Noddy wouldn’t go nowhere near his Sexy Lexy. But he needed that piss too badly. So he opened his flies and took his boy out. What a beautiful sensation it was as it gushed out in a big long hot stream! However, Geebee was in such a hurry, he didn’t bother tee give it a good shake after he was finished and when he went tee put his lad back intil his trousers, sure it dripped all over his light blue trousers, layvin’ a damp stain for the whole world tee see. But not only that, he was rushin’ that much that he got his boy caught in the zip and as he struggled leck hell for tee get him free, an eternity of time seemed tee be passin’ by. He began shakin’ with fear and anxiety.
When eventually Geebee got the tiger back intil its cage, he went out on til the dance hall flooer again and was just in time tee see Noddy and Sexy Lexy dancin’ by. Bejaysus Geebee was sick, especially as he could see that there was only about ten minutes tee go until the end of the dance. Ten minutes and then Sexy Lexy would be away with Noddy and soon she’d be strokin’ his cock and puttin’ it intil her mouth and then slippin’ it intil her hole, while he’d be lyin’ up groanin’ and sighin’, enjoyin’ the best ride of his life. Jaysus, Geebee felt desperate sick, but what the hell could he do! Sexy Lexy didn’t seem tee care who rode her, just as long as he had a cock. As for Noddy, he was far too big a buck for Geebee tee challenge.
Then the dance was over and they played the National Anthem. Geebee felt so bad lookin’ at Sexy Lexy and Noddy, he wanted tee go outside right away. However, he couldn’t do that, for he knew the vultures would notice and say “that boyo’s some whoer …. he wouldn’t even stand for the Queen!”.
When the anthem was over, all the people started goin’ home. Because Geebee felt so lonely and frustrated, he didn’t feel nawthin’ leck ready for goin’ back til Salty’s desolate dungeon. So he walked about the lonely dark streets of our wee town for a long time after that.
At one stage he noticed Alastair dukin’ about in the shadows and it was obvious that he was on his way up til Biddy Bowles for tee get his hole off her while her husband was out on patrol. It crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should folly him and, when he’d given him enough time for tee get on the job, he’d throw some stones through the windy. Then when the neighbours would come out for tee see what the hell was goin’ on, he’d cry “I’ve just seen a burglar goin’ in there”. But Geebee decided that he’d let Alastair go on ahead about his business. Sure what good would it have done, landin’ the whoer in the shite leck that!
Then a car zoomed up the street. When Geebee turned his head for tee have a look, he saw it was Denny’s car and he realised that he was obviously headin’ off til his night shift. Geebee’s heart started flutterin’, for he knew that this meant that Denny’s wife Ruby would be all alone at home. Now Geebee had heard it often said that not only was she fierce fond of the cock, but that many’s the buck from around our wee town had had their hole off her behind the bowel Denny’s back. So there was still some hope! Geebee’s heart began tee thump as he ran down the street.
When he got down til Denny’s house, the lights was still on which meant that she was still up and he hoped that, if his luck was in, it wouldn’t be long until he’d be up too – in her!. Geebee’s trousers began tee move as he rang the doerbell. Within no time at all, he could hear her footsteps comin’ down the hall and see the shape of her through the frosted glass in the front doer. Geebee started tee smile a wee sleekit smile when the door was bein’ opened.
“What do you want? .... this is no time tee be knockin’ people up.” Geebee tried tee spayke but nothin’ would come out.
“Look I can’t stand around here all night! .... so what do you want?” Geebee gulped.
“It’s an emergency, me friend has run out of petrol,” Geebee replied, “I need a gallon please.”
“Have yee a can?” Geebee shook his head.
“Och, all you boys are the same .... do yous think I walk about at three in the mornin’ with empty petrol cans in me hands .... look, there’s one over there behind the pump .... but I want it back tomorrow.” Jaysus, things wasn’t goin’ right at all! Geebee put a gallon intil the can.
“Right,” said Denny, “I hope you have the right money.” Geebee counted out the money from what little was left in his pocket and handed it over.
“Thanks Denny, you’re a real pal,” Geebee said, “I’m sorry for botherin’ you.” Denny nodded and shut the doer. Geebee nearly collapsed with relief. But he knew he’d definitely have tee change his underpants in the mornin’.
The streets was lonely and bare. There was no noise but the sound of rubbish flutterin’ about the pavements and the slosh, slosh, slosh of the petrol in the can. It crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should duke around the town one more time for tee see if there was any weemen at all about. But then he decided tee go on home. Sure how the hell could he go coourtin’ with a can of petrol in his hand! So back he went til Salty’s lonely bare little dungeon, petrol can and all.
Chapter 19
On Monday mornin’ Geebee hoked through his neighbour’s dustbin when he wasn’t about and was extremely playsed tee find the Sunday rag there. When he took it back intil Salty’s dungeon and opened it up, he was even more playsed when he saw that there was more news about uncle Edward in there. But the interestin’ thing was that for the first time, there was a lot of stuff about uncle Edward’s son and heir, John J. Now accordin’ til this newspaper article, this here buck John J was a real good for nawthin’ playboy, who seemed tee be interested in nawthin’ but havin’ a good time and shaggin’ the arses off all the most beautiful weemen in the world. In fact he was apparently such a whoer that even on the day of his father’s funeral, he’d been runnin’ about leck a mad thing, enjoyin’ himself. And tee prove it, there was photies of John J partyin’ away with a whole crowd of tarts around him.
Geebee studied these here photies at great length and the longer he studied them, the more convinced he became that there definitely was a family resemblance between him and John J and that therefore Edward must have been his da after all. It then crossed his mind for the very first time that if Edward really was his da, then maybe he would have some claim on Edward’s estate, especially as he would be the eldest son. So he immediately began tee start dreamin’ about big bags of money, beautiful weemen, fancy cars, fantastic trips around the world and all that sort of thing.
But then when he read on, these here dreams began tee fade a wee bit, for the newspaper article went on tee imply that not only was the police investigation intil Edward’s affairs still goin’ on, but that there was a damned good chance that once things was all sorted out, there’d be nothin’ left for John J or anyone else in the family tee inherit. Geebee began tee feel just a wee bit sick at this. But then he decided it’d be better tee look on the bright side of things and that it definitely would be a good idea tee write til this here buck John J., because even if it ended up that there was nothin’ left in Edward’s estate, maybe he’d get a few bob off John J in the manetime. So once again he sat down for tee write this here letter.
Dear John,
I was desperate sorry tee read about your da and would leck tee offer yee me condolences. In case you don’t know who I am, me da Thomas is your father’s brother and therefore I’m your country cousin Geebee.
But he didn’t feel too happy with that start til his letter. So he put it away for tee do another day and got stuck back intil readin’ the Sunday rag about who was ridin’ who and all that.
Later Geebee left the house and wandered up the street wonderin’ yit again what the hell he was gonna do with himself all day. Now if he’d had an entrance fee on him, he could at least have gone intil the pub and hung about in there all day. But as he had not one penny piece, he had no choice but tee stand on the street corner and watch the cars goin’ up and down and Jaysus did he not hate doin’ that! A feelin’ of depression swept over him, for he suddenly had this thought that unless things changed for the better some time, he’d probably spend the rest of his life just standin’ on street corners, watchin’ cars goin’ up and down. Then eventually, when he’d be on his deathbed and someone would ask him what he’d done with his life, what else would he be fit tee say but “Nawthin’, except watch over 10 million cars pass me by.”
While Geebee was standin’ on the street corner, he opened his gob for tee yawn a big yawn and bejaysus, but if a dirty big fly didn’t immediately fly in. Geebee was immediately filled with even more self-pity and depression.
“That fucker had the whole of Ireland tee buzz around and he just had tee go and fly intil me mouth,” he thought. But what made it even worse was the fact that the fly had gone so far down his throat, Geebee had no choice but tee swally him, wings and all. Next thing, a big dog went by. It then stopped up the street a wee bit and did a big steamin’ shite right in the middle of the pavement. Well Geebee immediately stopped watchin’ the cars and instead, he excitedly focused all his attention on that there dogshite, for he knew it would only be a matter of time until some unfortunate get would come bouncin’ along and layve a lovely big footprint right through the middle of it. He also knew from experience that it would be some poor eegit wearin’ shoes with deep treads, which would soak up the shite so real good that the contaminated shoe wouldn’t be aisy clayned, no matter how much the whoer would fuck and damn and hop about scrapin’ his foot on the edge of the pavement. Geebee waited eagerly for the poor victim tee come along, some clem who would instantly know from that fatal tell-tale slip, that they’d landed right dead-centre in the middle of a pile of brown ice.
But then someone caught his eye. It was owl Snedder comin’ crawlin’ up the street. Now Snedder was an ignorant owl whoer, who was so primitive lookin’ that he could easily have got a job at the zoo as a monkey. In fact, Geebee didn’t really leck the owl get at all. However, Geebee knew from recent experiences that beggars can’t be choosers and that sometimes people would ate onions for fruit if they was hard up enough. So Geebee turned til Snedder, with a big warm smile upon his face.
“How are yee theday Snedder?” he asked all friendly-leck. Snedder stopped.
“I’m doin’ fine,” he replied all cautious-leck.
“Och, that’s great,” said a smilin’ Geebee, tappin’ him on the shoulder in a fierce friendly way. Snedder grunted.
“Are you comin’ in for a drink?” Geebee then asked, leck he was givin’ Snedder an invitation. Well, Snedder looked at Geebee leck he was waggin’ his cock at him or somethin’. Geebee could see that Snedder was obviously akinda puzzled and suspicious-leck because Geebee had never made such an offer leck that til him before. In fact, Geebee had always made it quite clear that he wouldn’t be seen deed in Snedder’s company on all previous occasions when their paths had crossed. But this time, it was different and Geebee was smilin’ in such an unusually warm and friendly way that Snedder’s doubts started tee evaporate a wee bit.
“Aye, okay then,” said Snedder hesitantly, still all suspicious. Geebee grinned til himself as he heard the trap snappin’ shut and as they went over til the pub, Geebee continued bein’ fierce friendly and polite til Snedder. He even opened the doer for Snedder and in went Snedder, with Geebee follyin’ him up til the bar. After Snedder stopped, Geebee stopped a wee bit behind him. When Billy came down behind the counter, Snedder looked round at Geebee expectantly, waitin’ for him tee order the drinks. But Geebee said damn all. Now because owl Snedder had led the way intil the bar and up til the counter, Billy looked at him for tee give the shout. They all stood there in silence for some time, lookin’ at each other, until at last owl Snedder’s nerve cracked.
“Give us two bottles of stout,” he said through gritted teeth. Geebee had won and man, he was as happy as a wee pig in shite, because he knew that now that he’d gained entry intil the pub through this here wee trick on Snedder, he’d be fit tee stay there for the rest of the day, by hook or by crook.
Well Snedder soon got the message that Geebee didn’t want nawthin’ more tee do with him. So he fucked off and left Geebee tee sipple on his stout and consider once again his options in life. He knew one of the first things he’d have tee do would be tee get himself a job of some sort. But what!!
Later on, when he eventually went back down til Salty’s dungeon, Geebee’s thoughts once again turned til John J. He got out his piece of paper and a pen for tee continue his letter til John. But because he still wasn’t sure exactly what he was goin’ tee say, he decided he’d write down a few ideas first, with the view that when he’d decided on the best approach, he’d write the letter and definitely send it til John, let there be no doubt about that at all. So here are some of the ideas that he had that evenin’ concernin’ that there letter.
Dear John,
Since I heard about the death of your da, you’ve been in me thoughts all the time.
I was also desperate sorry tee larn from the newspaper about your ma passin’ away a few years ago.
Although I’ve never met yee, I think about yee a lot and worry about yee.
I’ve in fact only recently larned of your existence, but if I’d known about yee before, I’d have never been done writin’ til yee.
Me ma Maud wouldn’t never let me contact yee and that’s why yee’ve never heard nawthin’ from me over all these years.
I’d be very interested for tee larn more about yee and your family.
But then he was interrupted by a knock on the doer and when he answered it, he found Herby standin’ on the doerstep. Well Herby had a wee bit of good news for him in that he’d got him a wee hush-hush cash in hand job with one of the big landowners nearby, startin’ early the next mornin’.
Well when Geebee woke the next mornin’, he wasn’t none too playsed because it was cowl, dark and rainin’ outside and he’d far rather have stayed at home in his bed. So by the time he arrived on site cowl, tired and soakin’ wet, he wasn’t in the best of humour.
“Right boys,” roared the foreman, while rubbin’ his hands together, “let’s get stuck in and do a really good day’s hard work.” Well this here rousin’ battle cry inspired Geebee no end until he saw the whoer disappearin’ intil his wee warm shed for a cup of tay and a read of his newspaper.
Well anyway, his side-kick briefly explained til Geebee and the others that their job was plantin’ these wee trees and after showin’ them what tee do, he retreated til the shed as well, layvin’ Geebee and the other wet, shiverin’ eegits tee get on with it.
Now the trees was only wee sprigs of things and at first glance, it seemed tee be an aisy enough kind of a job. However, within no time at all, Geebee’s back was damned near broke. On top of that, he was in the worst of bad humour and as wicked as a bag of buck waysels and fierce maggoty. But despite all this, Geebee thought he was doin’ right well. So he wasn’t best playsed when the foreman eventually came out of his cosy, warm shed and roared at him.
“Och, are yee a complete and utter eegit? .... sure you’re not puttin’ them trees in far enough!” Well the divil was well and truly in Geebee by now and instead of seein’ rain, he just saw red mist. So he glowered at the foreman before pickin’ up a sledge hammer and stovin’ one of these wee trees more than a foot out of sight intil the ground.
“Now is that in far enough for yee?” Geebee asked him. Well although the gaffer didn’t say nawthin’, Geebee could tell from the black look on his face that he’d be plantin’ no more trees that day. So it was back home til his bed for Geebee.
Later on, his eyes fell upon his draft letter til John and he decided tee write down another wee idea or two.
Dear John,
I’m passin’ through London on me way til the USA and could meet yee for a drink if yee leck.
I’m comin’ over til London soon. Could you possibly recommend a good hotel?
After seein’ the papers, I now know what yee look leck. So I’ve enclosed a photie of meself for tee let yee see what I look leck
One of me brothers is seriously ill and it’s breakin’ me ma’s heart. The only cure lies in America, but that costs money and we don’t have none. I don’t suppose yee could help us out, could yee?
On Monday mornin’ Geebee hoked through his neighbour’s dustbin when he wasn’t about and was extremely playsed tee find the Sunday rag there. When he took it back intil Salty’s dungeon and opened it up, he was even more playsed when he saw that there was more news about uncle Edward in there. But the interestin’ thing was that for the first time, there was a lot of stuff about uncle Edward’s son and heir, John J. Now accordin’ til this newspaper article, this here buck John J was a real good for nawthin’ playboy, who seemed tee be interested in nawthin’ but havin’ a good time and shaggin’ the arses off all the most beautiful weemen in the world. In fact he was apparently such a whoer that even on the day of his father’s funeral, he’d been runnin’ about leck a mad thing, enjoyin’ himself. And tee prove it, there was photies of John J partyin’ away with a whole crowd of tarts around him.
Geebee studied these here photies at great length and the longer he studied them, the more convinced he became that there definitely was a family resemblance between him and John J and that therefore Edward must have been his da after all. It then crossed his mind for the very first time that if Edward really was his da, then maybe he would have some claim on Edward’s estate, especially as he would be the eldest son. So he immediately began tee start dreamin’ about big bags of money, beautiful weemen, fancy cars, fantastic trips around the world and all that sort of thing.
But then when he read on, these here dreams began tee fade a wee bit, for the newspaper article went on tee imply that not only was the police investigation intil Edward’s affairs still goin’ on, but that there was a damned good chance that once things was all sorted out, there’d be nothin’ left for John J or anyone else in the family tee inherit. Geebee began tee feel just a wee bit sick at this. But then he decided it’d be better tee look on the bright side of things and that it definitely would be a good idea tee write til this here buck John J., because even if it ended up that there was nothin’ left in Edward’s estate, maybe he’d get a few bob off John J in the manetime. So once again he sat down for tee write this here letter.
Dear John,
I was desperate sorry tee read about your da and would leck tee offer yee me condolences. In case you don’t know who I am, me da Thomas is your father’s brother and therefore I’m your country cousin Geebee.
But he didn’t feel too happy with that start til his letter. So he put it away for tee do another day and got stuck back intil readin’ the Sunday rag about who was ridin’ who and all that.
Later Geebee left the house and wandered up the street wonderin’ yit again what the hell he was gonna do with himself all day. Now if he’d had an entrance fee on him, he could at least have gone intil the pub and hung about in there all day. But as he had not one penny piece, he had no choice but tee stand on the street corner and watch the cars goin’ up and down and Jaysus did he not hate doin’ that! A feelin’ of depression swept over him, for he suddenly had this thought that unless things changed for the better some time, he’d probably spend the rest of his life just standin’ on street corners, watchin’ cars goin’ up and down. Then eventually, when he’d be on his deathbed and someone would ask him what he’d done with his life, what else would he be fit tee say but “Nawthin’, except watch over 10 million cars pass me by.”
While Geebee was standin’ on the street corner, he opened his gob for tee yawn a big yawn and bejaysus, but if a dirty big fly didn’t immediately fly in. Geebee was immediately filled with even more self-pity and depression.
“That fucker had the whole of Ireland tee buzz around and he just had tee go and fly intil me mouth,” he thought. But what made it even worse was the fact that the fly had gone so far down his throat, Geebee had no choice but tee swally him, wings and all. Next thing, a big dog went by. It then stopped up the street a wee bit and did a big steamin’ shite right in the middle of the pavement. Well Geebee immediately stopped watchin’ the cars and instead, he excitedly focused all his attention on that there dogshite, for he knew it would only be a matter of time until some unfortunate get would come bouncin’ along and layve a lovely big footprint right through the middle of it. He also knew from experience that it would be some poor eegit wearin’ shoes with deep treads, which would soak up the shite so real good that the contaminated shoe wouldn’t be aisy clayned, no matter how much the whoer would fuck and damn and hop about scrapin’ his foot on the edge of the pavement. Geebee waited eagerly for the poor victim tee come along, some clem who would instantly know from that fatal tell-tale slip, that they’d landed right dead-centre in the middle of a pile of brown ice.
But then someone caught his eye. It was owl Snedder comin’ crawlin’ up the street. Now Snedder was an ignorant owl whoer, who was so primitive lookin’ that he could easily have got a job at the zoo as a monkey. In fact, Geebee didn’t really leck the owl get at all. However, Geebee knew from recent experiences that beggars can’t be choosers and that sometimes people would ate onions for fruit if they was hard up enough. So Geebee turned til Snedder, with a big warm smile upon his face.
“How are yee theday Snedder?” he asked all friendly-leck. Snedder stopped.
“I’m doin’ fine,” he replied all cautious-leck.
“Och, that’s great,” said a smilin’ Geebee, tappin’ him on the shoulder in a fierce friendly way. Snedder grunted.
“Are you comin’ in for a drink?” Geebee then asked, leck he was givin’ Snedder an invitation. Well, Snedder looked at Geebee leck he was waggin’ his cock at him or somethin’. Geebee could see that Snedder was obviously akinda puzzled and suspicious-leck because Geebee had never made such an offer leck that til him before. In fact, Geebee had always made it quite clear that he wouldn’t be seen deed in Snedder’s company on all previous occasions when their paths had crossed. But this time, it was different and Geebee was smilin’ in such an unusually warm and friendly way that Snedder’s doubts started tee evaporate a wee bit.
“Aye, okay then,” said Snedder hesitantly, still all suspicious. Geebee grinned til himself as he heard the trap snappin’ shut and as they went over til the pub, Geebee continued bein’ fierce friendly and polite til Snedder. He even opened the doer for Snedder and in went Snedder, with Geebee follyin’ him up til the bar. After Snedder stopped, Geebee stopped a wee bit behind him. When Billy came down behind the counter, Snedder looked round at Geebee expectantly, waitin’ for him tee order the drinks. But Geebee said damn all. Now because owl Snedder had led the way intil the bar and up til the counter, Billy looked at him for tee give the shout. They all stood there in silence for some time, lookin’ at each other, until at last owl Snedder’s nerve cracked.
“Give us two bottles of stout,” he said through gritted teeth. Geebee had won and man, he was as happy as a wee pig in shite, because he knew that now that he’d gained entry intil the pub through this here wee trick on Snedder, he’d be fit tee stay there for the rest of the day, by hook or by crook.
Well Snedder soon got the message that Geebee didn’t want nawthin’ more tee do with him. So he fucked off and left Geebee tee sipple on his stout and consider once again his options in life. He knew one of the first things he’d have tee do would be tee get himself a job of some sort. But what!!
Later on, when he eventually went back down til Salty’s dungeon, Geebee’s thoughts once again turned til John J. He got out his piece of paper and a pen for tee continue his letter til John. But because he still wasn’t sure exactly what he was goin’ tee say, he decided he’d write down a few ideas first, with the view that when he’d decided on the best approach, he’d write the letter and definitely send it til John, let there be no doubt about that at all. So here are some of the ideas that he had that evenin’ concernin’ that there letter.
Dear John,
Since I heard about the death of your da, you’ve been in me thoughts all the time.
I was also desperate sorry tee larn from the newspaper about your ma passin’ away a few years ago.
Although I’ve never met yee, I think about yee a lot and worry about yee.
I’ve in fact only recently larned of your existence, but if I’d known about yee before, I’d have never been done writin’ til yee.
Me ma Maud wouldn’t never let me contact yee and that’s why yee’ve never heard nawthin’ from me over all these years.
I’d be very interested for tee larn more about yee and your family.
But then he was interrupted by a knock on the doer and when he answered it, he found Herby standin’ on the doerstep. Well Herby had a wee bit of good news for him in that he’d got him a wee hush-hush cash in hand job with one of the big landowners nearby, startin’ early the next mornin’.
Well when Geebee woke the next mornin’, he wasn’t none too playsed because it was cowl, dark and rainin’ outside and he’d far rather have stayed at home in his bed. So by the time he arrived on site cowl, tired and soakin’ wet, he wasn’t in the best of humour.
“Right boys,” roared the foreman, while rubbin’ his hands together, “let’s get stuck in and do a really good day’s hard work.” Well this here rousin’ battle cry inspired Geebee no end until he saw the whoer disappearin’ intil his wee warm shed for a cup of tay and a read of his newspaper.
Well anyway, his side-kick briefly explained til Geebee and the others that their job was plantin’ these wee trees and after showin’ them what tee do, he retreated til the shed as well, layvin’ Geebee and the other wet, shiverin’ eegits tee get on with it.
Now the trees was only wee sprigs of things and at first glance, it seemed tee be an aisy enough kind of a job. However, within no time at all, Geebee’s back was damned near broke. On top of that, he was in the worst of bad humour and as wicked as a bag of buck waysels and fierce maggoty. But despite all this, Geebee thought he was doin’ right well. So he wasn’t best playsed when the foreman eventually came out of his cosy, warm shed and roared at him.
“Och, are yee a complete and utter eegit? .... sure you’re not puttin’ them trees in far enough!” Well the divil was well and truly in Geebee by now and instead of seein’ rain, he just saw red mist. So he glowered at the foreman before pickin’ up a sledge hammer and stovin’ one of these wee trees more than a foot out of sight intil the ground.
“Now is that in far enough for yee?” Geebee asked him. Well although the gaffer didn’t say nawthin’, Geebee could tell from the black look on his face that he’d be plantin’ no more trees that day. So it was back home til his bed for Geebee.
Later on, his eyes fell upon his draft letter til John and he decided tee write down another wee idea or two.
Dear John,
I’m passin’ through London on me way til the USA and could meet yee for a drink if yee leck.
I’m comin’ over til London soon. Could you possibly recommend a good hotel?
After seein’ the papers, I now know what yee look leck. So I’ve enclosed a photie of meself for tee let yee see what I look leck
One of me brothers is seriously ill and it’s breakin’ me ma’s heart. The only cure lies in America, but that costs money and we don’t have none. I don’t suppose yee could help us out, could yee?
Chapter 20
On Thursday, Geebee saw an opportunity for tee make a few aisy bob. It was when he and Herby was havin’ a lough of quiet drinks in a pub in a wee town up the country and this big rough lookin’ hallion called Mack started bummin’ and blowin’ about what a great draughts player he was and how everybody was scarred tee take him on for fear of gettin’ bate. Now because Geebee was a damned good draughts player himself, he started tee wonder if maybe he shouldn’t challenge Mack til a match for money. After all, although Mack was a giant of a man with the strength of a Turk, it was quite clear til Geebee from studyin’ the ignorant clift that he was obviously a kinda dumb. So after ponderin’ for a while, Geebee chirped up and challenged this here buck Mack til a match. There then follyed some negotiations durin’ which it was agreed that it would be a best of five match in Mack’s cottage and that before the match started, each player would have tee lay £50 down on the table for the winner tee lift after the match was over. Then Geebee and Mack confirmed the agreement by spittin’ on their hands and slappin’ them agin each other. Now because Geebee didn’t have no £50 quid on him, he and Herby zoomed off home til our wee town so that Herby could “borrow” the house-keepin’ money from Rita’s wee jar, when she wasn’t lookin’ of course.
Later, at the agreed time, Geebee and Herby arrived up at Mack’s tumbledown shack, which was at the end of a long guttery lane full of potholes and covered in cowshite. Geebee was beginnin’ tee feel a wee bit nervous in case he’d underestimated this here buck Mack. But when he saw him again, Mack was even more stupid lookin’ than he’d appeared in the pub and, as a result, Geebee’s confidence soared sky-high again. Aye, he was sure that he’d be bound tee win on account of Mack’s obvious dumb, thick-wittedness.
Well Mack was so cowl and unfriendly, he didn’t even say hello til Geebee. But not only that, he started tee insist that Herby should remain outside, where he could witness the match by watchin’ it through the windy. However, Geebee objected til this because there was that much shite all over the windy panes, sure yee couldn’t see damn all through them. But Mack stuck til his guns and it was only when Geebee threated tee call the match off that he relented and reluctantly agreed til Herby comin’ inside. But Jaysus, what a kip it was inside Mack’s cottage. It was all dark and cowl, with puddles of water (or maybe it was piss) on the flooer and the stench of the place near made Geebee puke. However, he somehow managed tee get a holt of himself, put all the shite around him out of his mind and prepare himself for the battle ahead.
When they sat down at the kitchen table, Geebee studied Mack yet again. He sure was one desperate primitive lookin’ buck, with a terrible malignant evil air about him and his eyes never quit glintin’ at Geebee in the gloom.
“Now no chaytin’,” Mack suddenly growled, “or I’ll break your back with a shovel!” And tee demonstrate his point, he smashed a shovel down on til the table with such force that he broke the shaft of it intil skittereen, which kinda reinforced Geebee’s view that whereas Mack mightn’t have no brains, he certainly did have the strength of an ox. Now Geebee was about tee tell Mack that he didn’t want tee see no chaytin’ from him neither, but the malevolent expression on Mack’s face tolt him that maybe it might be wiser tee say nawthin’. Anyway, although Mack made Geebee feel more than a wee bit apprehensive, he still felt very confident that he’d bate him right out of sight. In fact he won the first two games so aisy that he couldn’t hardly stop himself from laughin’ in Mack’s face. Jaysus, Geebee was so confident that he started havin’ day dreams about how great it was gonna be back home in the pub, bummin’ and blowin’ about this big match and how he’d brought that ignorant hallion Mack down a few pegs and humiliated him. Bejaysus, the booze would be flowin’ and things would be absolutely marvellous.
“So you’ve won the first two games,” big Mack said quietly. He stood up and went intil the next room. Jaysus, Geebee and Herby smiled at each other and quietly rubbed their hands, for they both felt that victory was nigh. But then big Mack came back intil the room and although he didn’t say one word, he sorta spoiled things for Geebee by bangin’ a shotgun down on the table, with its barrels pointin’ towards Geebee. Needless tee say, Mack won the match 3-2.
Now although big Mack gave Geebee an awful batin’ at the draughts in those last three games, it was nawthin’ leck the batin’ Herby got when he arrived home. Jaysus, when Rita discovered the housekeepin’ all gone, she went clayne mad and decided it would be a good time for tee change Herby’s features - with a saucepan.
As for Geebee, it was back til thinkin’ up ideas for puttin’ intil the letter til John.
Dear John
Jaysus, I sure would leck a bit of that money you’ve got, so if you could see your way tee send me a few thousand, I’d be more than grateful.
If you don’t send me a few quid, I’m goin’ tee write til the papers for tee give them somethin’ really good tee write about your da.
I’ve heard some chat round here that your da is also my da, which manes that you and me are half-brothers, with me bein’ the elder. If this is true, then there must be somethin’ due til me out of his will, wouldn’t you say?
Although a lot of people round here think your da was a useless no-good traitor for marryin’ a fenian, I’m not leck them at all and, as far as I’m concerned, your da was a real good ole boy.
I’ve heard that a few proddy paramilitaries will soon be approachin’ yee for a large sum of money. However, I have the influence here tee stop them from comin’ anywhere near yee. But I shall need a few quid from yee tee sort it all out.
I’m getting’ married soon and I’d be honoured if you’d agree tee be me best man.
Me wife’s expectin’ a child soon and I’d be honoured if you’d agree til bein’ its godfather. By the way, the tradition round these parts is for godparents tee gift the child several thousand quid, in advance
I’d leck tee come over and meet yee, but unfortunately I’m a wee bit short of cash at the moment. So I’d be grateful if you’d send me the fare (I normally leck tee travel first class)
Although I’m very well off myself, I do unfortunately have a temporary cashflow problem at the moment. So I was wonderin’ if yee could possibly lend me a few quid for tee tide me over for a lough of weeks.
Because Geebee was so short of cash on Sunday and couldn’t afford no newspapers, he didn’t get seein’ the Sunday rag until his next doer neighbour had finished with his. However, it was worth the wait for once again there was a whole lot in there about playboy John J and all the wild things he’d got up til in his time. While Geebee enjoyed readin’ all this, he also larned somethin’ else he hadn’t known before - that John J had two younger sisters. Unfortunately however, there was no photies of these two lassies.
On Thursday, Geebee saw an opportunity for tee make a few aisy bob. It was when he and Herby was havin’ a lough of quiet drinks in a pub in a wee town up the country and this big rough lookin’ hallion called Mack started bummin’ and blowin’ about what a great draughts player he was and how everybody was scarred tee take him on for fear of gettin’ bate. Now because Geebee was a damned good draughts player himself, he started tee wonder if maybe he shouldn’t challenge Mack til a match for money. After all, although Mack was a giant of a man with the strength of a Turk, it was quite clear til Geebee from studyin’ the ignorant clift that he was obviously a kinda dumb. So after ponderin’ for a while, Geebee chirped up and challenged this here buck Mack til a match. There then follyed some negotiations durin’ which it was agreed that it would be a best of five match in Mack’s cottage and that before the match started, each player would have tee lay £50 down on the table for the winner tee lift after the match was over. Then Geebee and Mack confirmed the agreement by spittin’ on their hands and slappin’ them agin each other. Now because Geebee didn’t have no £50 quid on him, he and Herby zoomed off home til our wee town so that Herby could “borrow” the house-keepin’ money from Rita’s wee jar, when she wasn’t lookin’ of course.
Later, at the agreed time, Geebee and Herby arrived up at Mack’s tumbledown shack, which was at the end of a long guttery lane full of potholes and covered in cowshite. Geebee was beginnin’ tee feel a wee bit nervous in case he’d underestimated this here buck Mack. But when he saw him again, Mack was even more stupid lookin’ than he’d appeared in the pub and, as a result, Geebee’s confidence soared sky-high again. Aye, he was sure that he’d be bound tee win on account of Mack’s obvious dumb, thick-wittedness.
Well Mack was so cowl and unfriendly, he didn’t even say hello til Geebee. But not only that, he started tee insist that Herby should remain outside, where he could witness the match by watchin’ it through the windy. However, Geebee objected til this because there was that much shite all over the windy panes, sure yee couldn’t see damn all through them. But Mack stuck til his guns and it was only when Geebee threated tee call the match off that he relented and reluctantly agreed til Herby comin’ inside. But Jaysus, what a kip it was inside Mack’s cottage. It was all dark and cowl, with puddles of water (or maybe it was piss) on the flooer and the stench of the place near made Geebee puke. However, he somehow managed tee get a holt of himself, put all the shite around him out of his mind and prepare himself for the battle ahead.
When they sat down at the kitchen table, Geebee studied Mack yet again. He sure was one desperate primitive lookin’ buck, with a terrible malignant evil air about him and his eyes never quit glintin’ at Geebee in the gloom.
“Now no chaytin’,” Mack suddenly growled, “or I’ll break your back with a shovel!” And tee demonstrate his point, he smashed a shovel down on til the table with such force that he broke the shaft of it intil skittereen, which kinda reinforced Geebee’s view that whereas Mack mightn’t have no brains, he certainly did have the strength of an ox. Now Geebee was about tee tell Mack that he didn’t want tee see no chaytin’ from him neither, but the malevolent expression on Mack’s face tolt him that maybe it might be wiser tee say nawthin’. Anyway, although Mack made Geebee feel more than a wee bit apprehensive, he still felt very confident that he’d bate him right out of sight. In fact he won the first two games so aisy that he couldn’t hardly stop himself from laughin’ in Mack’s face. Jaysus, Geebee was so confident that he started havin’ day dreams about how great it was gonna be back home in the pub, bummin’ and blowin’ about this big match and how he’d brought that ignorant hallion Mack down a few pegs and humiliated him. Bejaysus, the booze would be flowin’ and things would be absolutely marvellous.
“So you’ve won the first two games,” big Mack said quietly. He stood up and went intil the next room. Jaysus, Geebee and Herby smiled at each other and quietly rubbed their hands, for they both felt that victory was nigh. But then big Mack came back intil the room and although he didn’t say one word, he sorta spoiled things for Geebee by bangin’ a shotgun down on the table, with its barrels pointin’ towards Geebee. Needless tee say, Mack won the match 3-2.
Now although big Mack gave Geebee an awful batin’ at the draughts in those last three games, it was nawthin’ leck the batin’ Herby got when he arrived home. Jaysus, when Rita discovered the housekeepin’ all gone, she went clayne mad and decided it would be a good time for tee change Herby’s features - with a saucepan.
As for Geebee, it was back til thinkin’ up ideas for puttin’ intil the letter til John.
Dear John
Jaysus, I sure would leck a bit of that money you’ve got, so if you could see your way tee send me a few thousand, I’d be more than grateful.
If you don’t send me a few quid, I’m goin’ tee write til the papers for tee give them somethin’ really good tee write about your da.
I’ve heard some chat round here that your da is also my da, which manes that you and me are half-brothers, with me bein’ the elder. If this is true, then there must be somethin’ due til me out of his will, wouldn’t you say?
Although a lot of people round here think your da was a useless no-good traitor for marryin’ a fenian, I’m not leck them at all and, as far as I’m concerned, your da was a real good ole boy.
I’ve heard that a few proddy paramilitaries will soon be approachin’ yee for a large sum of money. However, I have the influence here tee stop them from comin’ anywhere near yee. But I shall need a few quid from yee tee sort it all out.
I’m getting’ married soon and I’d be honoured if you’d agree tee be me best man.
Me wife’s expectin’ a child soon and I’d be honoured if you’d agree til bein’ its godfather. By the way, the tradition round these parts is for godparents tee gift the child several thousand quid, in advance
I’d leck tee come over and meet yee, but unfortunately I’m a wee bit short of cash at the moment. So I’d be grateful if you’d send me the fare (I normally leck tee travel first class)
Although I’m very well off myself, I do unfortunately have a temporary cashflow problem at the moment. So I was wonderin’ if yee could possibly lend me a few quid for tee tide me over for a lough of weeks.
Because Geebee was so short of cash on Sunday and couldn’t afford no newspapers, he didn’t get seein’ the Sunday rag until his next doer neighbour had finished with his. However, it was worth the wait for once again there was a whole lot in there about playboy John J and all the wild things he’d got up til in his time. While Geebee enjoyed readin’ all this, he also larned somethin’ else he hadn’t known before - that John J had two younger sisters. Unfortunately however, there was no photies of these two lassies.
Chapter 21
Week three in Salty’s dungeon started with Geebee bein’ in a terrible state. Not only did he not have no entrance fee til the pub, but he was absolutely starvin’. In fact he was that hungry that the thought crossed his mind that maybe he should creep up til McPuddlen’s farm and stayle a duck. After all, he’d heard that their ducks was forever strayin’ intil other people’s fields and, til Geebee’s hungry way of thinkin’, any duck that was more than one field away from home could surely be considered tee be wild and therefore open til bein’ ketched. But he knew that he wouldn’t get away with that. So then he turned his hungry thoughts til Aida and Tilty McStingle, who’d used tee invite him in regular for tay and a bite tee ate when he was a postman on his rounds and he decided he’d pay them a wee visit for tee see if there’d be any grub goin’, leck in the owl days. However, when he got up there, he found some builders fixin’ the McStingle’s back entrance and puttin’ up an extension. Even so, Aida and Tilty was very playsed tee see him and they invited him in. Now the toilet was right beside the back doer and Geebee sorta gathered from Tilty quite early on that because they was so shy about goin’ there for a shite while the builders was about, they’d had tee do their shytin’ and pissin’ elsewhere. Well Geebee wasn’t payin’ much attention til all their hashin’ cos he was too busy gettin’ stuck intil this big plate of sausages, mash and gravy and drinkin’ a big mug of sweet tay. But then suddenly this here stink grabbed him by the snout and Jaysus, was it not desperate! Then he noticed the basin, hidden away under the kitchen table, full of a vile, yallowy lookin’ liquid and with big brown turds leck sausages floatin’ around the top. Bejaysus, as hungry as he was, it all looked a wee bit too much leck the sausages and gravy on his plate. So he wasn’t fit tee finish atin’ his dinner and he fled from Aida and Tilty’s before he puked up all over them.
Later, when he got back home, Geebee turned his attention once more til thinkin’ up ideas for his letter til John.
Dear John,
If you’re ever round these parts, you’d be very welcome tee stay in my home and I’d make yee very comfortable. I’ll also drive yee round Ireland in me car, a Merc coupé
I’m an expert in financial investments. So if yee ever need any advice, don’t hesitate tee contact me. Come tee think of it, I’ve just heard a whisper that yee might be interested in. So if you’re lookin’ for a few bob, just send me a lough of thousands and I’ll treble it for you in next til no time.
I have me own thrivin’ business and I make pots of money. So if you’d leck tee invest some money in me business, just send me a few thousand and I’ll see yee right in no time.
But he couldn’t think of no other ideas, so he put the letter til one side and went til bed.
Week three in Salty’s dungeon started with Geebee bein’ in a terrible state. Not only did he not have no entrance fee til the pub, but he was absolutely starvin’. In fact he was that hungry that the thought crossed his mind that maybe he should creep up til McPuddlen’s farm and stayle a duck. After all, he’d heard that their ducks was forever strayin’ intil other people’s fields and, til Geebee’s hungry way of thinkin’, any duck that was more than one field away from home could surely be considered tee be wild and therefore open til bein’ ketched. But he knew that he wouldn’t get away with that. So then he turned his hungry thoughts til Aida and Tilty McStingle, who’d used tee invite him in regular for tay and a bite tee ate when he was a postman on his rounds and he decided he’d pay them a wee visit for tee see if there’d be any grub goin’, leck in the owl days. However, when he got up there, he found some builders fixin’ the McStingle’s back entrance and puttin’ up an extension. Even so, Aida and Tilty was very playsed tee see him and they invited him in. Now the toilet was right beside the back doer and Geebee sorta gathered from Tilty quite early on that because they was so shy about goin’ there for a shite while the builders was about, they’d had tee do their shytin’ and pissin’ elsewhere. Well Geebee wasn’t payin’ much attention til all their hashin’ cos he was too busy gettin’ stuck intil this big plate of sausages, mash and gravy and drinkin’ a big mug of sweet tay. But then suddenly this here stink grabbed him by the snout and Jaysus, was it not desperate! Then he noticed the basin, hidden away under the kitchen table, full of a vile, yallowy lookin’ liquid and with big brown turds leck sausages floatin’ around the top. Bejaysus, as hungry as he was, it all looked a wee bit too much leck the sausages and gravy on his plate. So he wasn’t fit tee finish atin’ his dinner and he fled from Aida and Tilty’s before he puked up all over them.
Later, when he got back home, Geebee turned his attention once more til thinkin’ up ideas for his letter til John.
Dear John,
If you’re ever round these parts, you’d be very welcome tee stay in my home and I’d make yee very comfortable. I’ll also drive yee round Ireland in me car, a Merc coupé
I’m an expert in financial investments. So if yee ever need any advice, don’t hesitate tee contact me. Come tee think of it, I’ve just heard a whisper that yee might be interested in. So if you’re lookin’ for a few bob, just send me a lough of thousands and I’ll treble it for you in next til no time.
I have me own thrivin’ business and I make pots of money. So if you’d leck tee invest some money in me business, just send me a few thousand and I’ll see yee right in no time.
But he couldn’t think of no other ideas, so he put the letter til one side and went til bed.
Chapter 22
Well by Tuesday, Geebee had got so fed up livin’ in Salty’s dungeon that he asked Herby whether it’d be possible tee move in with him and Rita. Now because Rita and Herby didn’t have their own home and because they couldn’t live at Rita’s ma’s on account of her hatin’ Herby so much, Herby had had no choice but tee bring Rita home til his own ma’s after they’d got married. Now apparently Herby’s ma Aggie had been none too playsed about this on account of her wee house bein’ so cramped and all that. But she’d had no choice, for it was either that or her grandchild sleepin’ under a hedge with the hedgehogs somewhere. Well anyway, Herby said that of coourse it was okay with him, but that he’d have tee ask Rita first. But he did warn Geebee that his ma’s house was that small that Geebee would probably have tee share their bedroom. Well sharin’ a bedroom with Herby and Rita didn’t bother Geebee none at all. In fact, he immediately started havin’ these wee fantasies about sharin’ their bed and maybe Rita as well.
But things never got off the ground. Unfortunately Herby and Rita’s relationship with Aggie was a stormy one. What hadn’t helped matters was the fact that Rita was fierce lazy and untidy and was forever layvin’ great haypes of dirty knickers and nappies lyin’ all around the whole show. Well Herby’s ma was a damned good prod and therefore a fierce tidy woman, so she couldn’t stand the sight of all this here shite lyin’ around her wee palace. So she started tacklin’ Rita about it. But she’d have been as well talkin’ til the wall for all the good it did and the piles of dirty knickers and nappies, sure they only got higher and higher.
Well, unfortunately on that very Tuesday night, things sorta came til a head, for Aggie tripped over one huge pile of dirty nappies too many. Jaysus, she lost the head altogether and came burstin’ intil their room. However, it wasn’t really the most appropriate moment for her tee make her grand entrance on account of Herby bein’ right up til the balls in Rita and ridin’ the arse off her. But that didn’t deter Aggie and she came flyin’ over and grabbed Rita by the throat and half choked her. Man, there was a desperate fight and the two of them rolled about all over the place, punchin’ and kickin’, pinchin’ and bitin’, pullin’ hair and scratchin’ each other, along with a whole pile of fuckin’ and damnin’. Although Herby had tried tee intercede, he’d only succeeded in accidentally givin’ his ma a big black eye. Well, that was the last straw as far as Aggie was concerned and so Herby, Rita and the nipper was heel-balled out on their arses on til the street, which of course meant Geebee wouldn’t be movin’ in with Herby and Rita after all.
Well by Tuesday, Geebee had got so fed up livin’ in Salty’s dungeon that he asked Herby whether it’d be possible tee move in with him and Rita. Now because Rita and Herby didn’t have their own home and because they couldn’t live at Rita’s ma’s on account of her hatin’ Herby so much, Herby had had no choice but tee bring Rita home til his own ma’s after they’d got married. Now apparently Herby’s ma Aggie had been none too playsed about this on account of her wee house bein’ so cramped and all that. But she’d had no choice, for it was either that or her grandchild sleepin’ under a hedge with the hedgehogs somewhere. Well anyway, Herby said that of coourse it was okay with him, but that he’d have tee ask Rita first. But he did warn Geebee that his ma’s house was that small that Geebee would probably have tee share their bedroom. Well sharin’ a bedroom with Herby and Rita didn’t bother Geebee none at all. In fact, he immediately started havin’ these wee fantasies about sharin’ their bed and maybe Rita as well.
But things never got off the ground. Unfortunately Herby and Rita’s relationship with Aggie was a stormy one. What hadn’t helped matters was the fact that Rita was fierce lazy and untidy and was forever layvin’ great haypes of dirty knickers and nappies lyin’ all around the whole show. Well Herby’s ma was a damned good prod and therefore a fierce tidy woman, so she couldn’t stand the sight of all this here shite lyin’ around her wee palace. So she started tacklin’ Rita about it. But she’d have been as well talkin’ til the wall for all the good it did and the piles of dirty knickers and nappies, sure they only got higher and higher.
Well, unfortunately on that very Tuesday night, things sorta came til a head, for Aggie tripped over one huge pile of dirty nappies too many. Jaysus, she lost the head altogether and came burstin’ intil their room. However, it wasn’t really the most appropriate moment for her tee make her grand entrance on account of Herby bein’ right up til the balls in Rita and ridin’ the arse off her. But that didn’t deter Aggie and she came flyin’ over and grabbed Rita by the throat and half choked her. Man, there was a desperate fight and the two of them rolled about all over the place, punchin’ and kickin’, pinchin’ and bitin’, pullin’ hair and scratchin’ each other, along with a whole pile of fuckin’ and damnin’. Although Herby had tried tee intercede, he’d only succeeded in accidentally givin’ his ma a big black eye. Well, that was the last straw as far as Aggie was concerned and so Herby, Rita and the nipper was heel-balled out on their arses on til the street, which of course meant Geebee wouldn’t be movin’ in with Herby and Rita after all.
Chapter 23
Now Geebee was barred from all the pubs in our wee town, apart from two, Billy’s and Toddy’s. But the sneg with Billy’s bar was that he always needed an entrance fee for tee gain access til it, as opposed til Toddy’s, where there was never normally any need for an entrance fee on account of Toddy bein’ such a great mate. However, Toddy had gone away “on business” a lough of months before, which meant that Toddy’s owl whoer of a da Monty was runnin’ the show and because Monty didn’t leck Geebee at all (and viceeversee), Geebee had stopped goin’ anywhere near it.
One of the main raisons why Geebee was so fond of Toddy was because he’d seen a bit of the world and wasn’t narrow-minded leck so many of the other whoers round out wee town. He had come from the merchant navy a few of years before, when owl Monty had gone intil hospital for tee have a wee bit of butchery carried out on him and, while most people thought Toddy would be just as miserable a whoer as his owl da, he actually turned out tee be a wild dacent man. Also, as a kind of a bonus, he had a real tasty wife as well, with big tits and a very rideable lookin’ arse. But my goodness, nobody’ll ever forget that first night when he took over managin’ the pub. Jaysus, all the locials rolled up, curious for tee get a look at this new boy Toddy and Sally, his wife and, boys a dear, they wasn’t a bit disappointed that they’d made the effort. Aye, Toddy turned out tee be a great fella and was all smiles and jokes. Man, he set up drinks til Geebee and all the others the whole night long and it was leck they was all in heaven before their time.
Later, when it came near til closin’ time, they all hung on for tee see what the score would be and whether he’d be sharp on closin’ the place up on time, leck what his owl da would do. Now although he shut the front doers right on the dot of closin’ time, he didn’t seem tee be in too much of a hurry for tee get them out. In fact, he instead ushered them all intil the big function room at the back, produced a few of crates of stout and beer and a lough of bottles of whisky. Jaysus, as he handed the booze around, Geebee could tell from the look on Toddy’s face that he was fierce excited that there appeared tee be so many damned good drinkin’ men around our wee town, men who he thought would soon make him his fortune. But what he didn’t realise was that the boyos he had in there was not really a whole pile of potentially good customers, but instead a bunch of rogues, who’d visit him often and drink plenty, just as long as it was all set up til them for nawthin’.
But Jaysus, it was great! They drank until after 3 o’clock in the mornin’ and there was plenty of singin’, laughin’ and rollin’ about and not once did any of them have tee dip their hands intil their pockets. As for Toddy, sure he was as drunk as a bag himself and his wife Sally wasn’t much better. My goodness, she was up on a table singin’ with the rest of them and swingin’ those big sexy legs about so much, you could see right up til her gearbox. Sure, they was a great couple and Geebee was certain that paradise had come at long last til our wee town.
“Do yee think this is gonna last?” asked one owl weezened buck quizzically when the show was over.
When Geebee looked at him, he could tell from the owl boy’s experienced eye that he knew damned well that it wouldn’t. Which was an awful damned shame!
Well right enough, it didn’t last and damn the many more free drinks was set up til all and sundry, because it quickly dawned on Toddy that if he didn’t pull in his horns mighty quick, sure the place would be bankrupt in next til no time. Needless tee say, this was a desperate big disappointment til the most of the boys. But even so, Geebee continued keepin’ in with him for several raisons. First of all and most importantly, he really lecked Toddy. Then of coourse, another raison was down til the fact that Toddy sometimes got a wee bit lightheaded and threw free hoolays for his “close friends”, such as Geebee. Another factor of coourse was Toddy’s wife Sally. Geebee really lecked the look of her and sometimes, when he’d had a few, it fleetingly crossed his mind that if he kept well in with Toddy, there might eventually come the time when he’d get a chance for tee get his hole off her.
Now within no time at all, everythin’ was goin’ great and Toddy soon had plenty of customers, because everyone thought he was a real dacent man, with a great personality. But after a lough of months, things started tee go badly wrong and Toddy began tee change. Nobody quite knew why, but Geebee blamed it all on that owl crab Monty, who couldn’t wait tee start interferin’ when he came back til the pub after his long stay in hospital.
Although Toddy could be a fierce generous sort of buck, especially til a good pal leck Geebee, his owl da Monty was totally the opposite and he wouldn’t even have stood Jaysus Christ a free drink! But as well as bein’ a tight-fisted miserable owl whoer, Monty was a real stickler for cleanliness and all that other owl shite and he was never done givin’ Toddy hell and gernin’ on and on and complainin’ about the state of the shithouse and how the flooers in the bar needed moppin’ and sweepin’ and how grubby the glasses was and other borin’, dreary things that nobody else gave a shite about. Sure he had poor Toddy’s arse well and truly sickened and although Toddy would laugh and joke when he was on his own, he would go all silent and tense whenever that owl gern Monty would appear, with that hump full of badness on his back.
But there was the odd time that Toddy would stand his ground. Man, there was one night, Toddy and Geebee was in the bar enjoyin’ a wee chat and Monty suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Well, he went straight over til the freshly clayned glasses and, in his usual infuriatin’ way, he picked out the only one that had by chance a slight smudge on it. Jaysus, he held the glass up til the light and scowled, before he started mutterin’ about what a useless whoer Toddy was and all that sort of owl shite. My god, Toddy went clayne mad and he sent the whole glasses flyin’ with one swipe of his arm. Jaysus, they smashed intil skittereen all over the flooer.
“Now see if yee can find another dirty one,” he roared. Geebee roared too, but with laughter.
But bejaysus, poor Toddy went down fast. Not only did he go mad at the drink, but he no longer seemed tee give a two damns about things. Whenever owl Monty wasn’t about or lyin’ up in bed sick or whatever, Toddy sometimes wouldn’t even bother openin’ the pub doers and, on days leck that, he’d sometimes get a few of his pals leck Geebee in. He’d then set up the drink and damn the penny did any of them ever have tee pay. His wife Sally would come down and man, she’d be nearly always as full as a shuck as well. She’d get up on the counter, swing those shapely legs of hers and show them her big sexy thighs and knickers. Man, while the boys would be gettin’ stuck intil all this here free booze leck men possessed, some of them had such hards on from lookin’ up her skirt, that they felt leck gettin’ stuck intil her as well. Jaysus it was great and the best of good craic and the best good valyeh!
But all good things come til an end and there eventually came the time when Toddy went so far off the rails with all the boozin’ that they had tee send him away “on business” til the loony bin for tee get his noddle sorted out, which was, of course, a desperate disappointment til Geebee. So when someone tolt Geebee that Toddy was back home and behind the bar as well, sure it was the best news Geebee had heard in a long time. So he made a beeline for Toddy’s for tee see his owl mucker.
Now Geebee was barred from all the pubs in our wee town, apart from two, Billy’s and Toddy’s. But the sneg with Billy’s bar was that he always needed an entrance fee for tee gain access til it, as opposed til Toddy’s, where there was never normally any need for an entrance fee on account of Toddy bein’ such a great mate. However, Toddy had gone away “on business” a lough of months before, which meant that Toddy’s owl whoer of a da Monty was runnin’ the show and because Monty didn’t leck Geebee at all (and viceeversee), Geebee had stopped goin’ anywhere near it.
One of the main raisons why Geebee was so fond of Toddy was because he’d seen a bit of the world and wasn’t narrow-minded leck so many of the other whoers round out wee town. He had come from the merchant navy a few of years before, when owl Monty had gone intil hospital for tee have a wee bit of butchery carried out on him and, while most people thought Toddy would be just as miserable a whoer as his owl da, he actually turned out tee be a wild dacent man. Also, as a kind of a bonus, he had a real tasty wife as well, with big tits and a very rideable lookin’ arse. But my goodness, nobody’ll ever forget that first night when he took over managin’ the pub. Jaysus, all the locials rolled up, curious for tee get a look at this new boy Toddy and Sally, his wife and, boys a dear, they wasn’t a bit disappointed that they’d made the effort. Aye, Toddy turned out tee be a great fella and was all smiles and jokes. Man, he set up drinks til Geebee and all the others the whole night long and it was leck they was all in heaven before their time.
Later, when it came near til closin’ time, they all hung on for tee see what the score would be and whether he’d be sharp on closin’ the place up on time, leck what his owl da would do. Now although he shut the front doers right on the dot of closin’ time, he didn’t seem tee be in too much of a hurry for tee get them out. In fact, he instead ushered them all intil the big function room at the back, produced a few of crates of stout and beer and a lough of bottles of whisky. Jaysus, as he handed the booze around, Geebee could tell from the look on Toddy’s face that he was fierce excited that there appeared tee be so many damned good drinkin’ men around our wee town, men who he thought would soon make him his fortune. But what he didn’t realise was that the boyos he had in there was not really a whole pile of potentially good customers, but instead a bunch of rogues, who’d visit him often and drink plenty, just as long as it was all set up til them for nawthin’.
But Jaysus, it was great! They drank until after 3 o’clock in the mornin’ and there was plenty of singin’, laughin’ and rollin’ about and not once did any of them have tee dip their hands intil their pockets. As for Toddy, sure he was as drunk as a bag himself and his wife Sally wasn’t much better. My goodness, she was up on a table singin’ with the rest of them and swingin’ those big sexy legs about so much, you could see right up til her gearbox. Sure, they was a great couple and Geebee was certain that paradise had come at long last til our wee town.
“Do yee think this is gonna last?” asked one owl weezened buck quizzically when the show was over.
When Geebee looked at him, he could tell from the owl boy’s experienced eye that he knew damned well that it wouldn’t. Which was an awful damned shame!
Well right enough, it didn’t last and damn the many more free drinks was set up til all and sundry, because it quickly dawned on Toddy that if he didn’t pull in his horns mighty quick, sure the place would be bankrupt in next til no time. Needless tee say, this was a desperate big disappointment til the most of the boys. But even so, Geebee continued keepin’ in with him for several raisons. First of all and most importantly, he really lecked Toddy. Then of coourse, another raison was down til the fact that Toddy sometimes got a wee bit lightheaded and threw free hoolays for his “close friends”, such as Geebee. Another factor of coourse was Toddy’s wife Sally. Geebee really lecked the look of her and sometimes, when he’d had a few, it fleetingly crossed his mind that if he kept well in with Toddy, there might eventually come the time when he’d get a chance for tee get his hole off her.
Now within no time at all, everythin’ was goin’ great and Toddy soon had plenty of customers, because everyone thought he was a real dacent man, with a great personality. But after a lough of months, things started tee go badly wrong and Toddy began tee change. Nobody quite knew why, but Geebee blamed it all on that owl crab Monty, who couldn’t wait tee start interferin’ when he came back til the pub after his long stay in hospital.
Although Toddy could be a fierce generous sort of buck, especially til a good pal leck Geebee, his owl da Monty was totally the opposite and he wouldn’t even have stood Jaysus Christ a free drink! But as well as bein’ a tight-fisted miserable owl whoer, Monty was a real stickler for cleanliness and all that other owl shite and he was never done givin’ Toddy hell and gernin’ on and on and complainin’ about the state of the shithouse and how the flooers in the bar needed moppin’ and sweepin’ and how grubby the glasses was and other borin’, dreary things that nobody else gave a shite about. Sure he had poor Toddy’s arse well and truly sickened and although Toddy would laugh and joke when he was on his own, he would go all silent and tense whenever that owl gern Monty would appear, with that hump full of badness on his back.
But there was the odd time that Toddy would stand his ground. Man, there was one night, Toddy and Geebee was in the bar enjoyin’ a wee chat and Monty suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Well, he went straight over til the freshly clayned glasses and, in his usual infuriatin’ way, he picked out the only one that had by chance a slight smudge on it. Jaysus, he held the glass up til the light and scowled, before he started mutterin’ about what a useless whoer Toddy was and all that sort of owl shite. My god, Toddy went clayne mad and he sent the whole glasses flyin’ with one swipe of his arm. Jaysus, they smashed intil skittereen all over the flooer.
“Now see if yee can find another dirty one,” he roared. Geebee roared too, but with laughter.
But bejaysus, poor Toddy went down fast. Not only did he go mad at the drink, but he no longer seemed tee give a two damns about things. Whenever owl Monty wasn’t about or lyin’ up in bed sick or whatever, Toddy sometimes wouldn’t even bother openin’ the pub doers and, on days leck that, he’d sometimes get a few of his pals leck Geebee in. He’d then set up the drink and damn the penny did any of them ever have tee pay. His wife Sally would come down and man, she’d be nearly always as full as a shuck as well. She’d get up on the counter, swing those shapely legs of hers and show them her big sexy thighs and knickers. Man, while the boys would be gettin’ stuck intil all this here free booze leck men possessed, some of them had such hards on from lookin’ up her skirt, that they felt leck gettin’ stuck intil her as well. Jaysus it was great and the best of good craic and the best good valyeh!
But all good things come til an end and there eventually came the time when Toddy went so far off the rails with all the boozin’ that they had tee send him away “on business” til the loony bin for tee get his noddle sorted out, which was, of course, a desperate disappointment til Geebee. So when someone tolt Geebee that Toddy was back home and behind the bar as well, sure it was the best news Geebee had heard in a long time. So he made a beeline for Toddy’s for tee see his owl mucker.
Chapter 24
On Wednesday night, Geebee got himself involved in yit another moneymakin’ project. He was down in Toddy’s havin’ a very, very quiet drink, when owl Stan came in with that owl limp of his and as soon as he set eyes on Geebee, he came hurplin’ over for tee tell him yit again all his tales of woe concernin’ his estranged wife Eliza. Well if Geebee had had a few bob on him, he wouldn’t have tolerated havin’ Stan about him hashin’ at all. But seein’ as he had virtually damn all and Stan was prepared tee buy him a lough of drinks, Geebee went intil his noddin’ his head from time til time but not listenin’ mode as Stan put up the drinks and raved away about Eliza.
Now accordin’ til Stan, she was the cause of all his troubles and she’d been such a crab over the years that she’d drove him til the drink. Then when she’d left him tee go and live on her own in a wee cottage away up the mountain, she’d apparently started lettin’ all the men in the county have their wicked way with her, just tee spite him. Although Geebee had heard it all before and wasn’t really listenin’, he could tell that Stan was more steamed up and bitter about Eliza than usual. Furthermore, he kept repeatin’ that if it wasn’t for his bad leg preventin’ him from gettin’ near her, he’d give her the damned good ludderin’ that he thought she thoroughly deserved.
Well anyway, the night went on and so did Stan and bejaysus he was frothin’ at the mouth from rage and Geebee was frothin’ at the mouth from all the stout Stan was buyin’ him. Then Stan suddenly came out with this here plan he had for gettin’ his own back on Eliza.
“Now, it’s leck this,” Stan said, “although she’s always got the front doer well and truly locked and bolted, she’s that scarred of gettin’ attacked at night in her wee cottage that she always layves the back doer lyin’ wide open when she goes til bed.” Now Geebee couldn’t quite see the logic of this and so he asked Stan tee explain.
“Sure, it’s leck this,” he said, “if anyone ever manages tee break in through the front doer, then she’ll have a clear run for tee escape out the back.” Geebee thought about this for a few moments.
“But what if someone comes in through the back doer?” he asked. Stan thought for a few moments.
“Bejaysus, I don’t believe she’s ever thought of that,” he replied. Geebee looked at the perplexed expression on Stan’s face for a few moments and then decided it’d probably be better tee continue noddin’ and let him rave away. So he quit payin’ any attention til him until Stan offered him a few quid for tee help him carry out his plan. Well Geebee was that short of readies that he immediately agreed and, though it was well after midnight, the pair of them staggered, two steps forward and one step back, all the way up the mountain til Eliza’s wee hovel.
After they eventually got there, Stan hurpled round the back and in through the back doer, while Geebee positioned himself at the front doer. Well at the start the plan went great and there was a fierce amount of roarin’ and scraymin’ from inside the house and then, as was expected, Stan’s wife unlocked and unbolted the front doer and came flyin’ out for tee get away from Stan. Now the next part of the plan was for Geebee tee down her with a box in the mouth so that Stan could get a few good scuds at her with his blackthorn stick. But Geebee didn’t have the heart tee clump her and so he just stuck his foot out and she went head over shite intil the bushes. But despite that, she got away and bejaysus Stan was that mad, he damn near broke his walkin’ stick over Geebee’s head out of frustration.
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he had two types of headache - one from all the boozin’ the night before and one from the big bump on his head from Stan’s stick. So he wasn’t in the best of form at all. However, he soon cheered up when he realised that he still had the half pint of whisky that the bowel Stan had asked him tee carry when they’d left the pub the night before and which he’d probably forgotten all about. Jaysus, Geebee was over the moon and it was the best breakfast he’d had in a long time.
When the bottle was empty, he decided tee get out and about for tee see what was what and out on til the street he went tee wander about. But that’s when somethin’ happened that brought it home til him how really fed up he was with our wee town and how he just had tee get away tee start afresh somewhere new. There he was just danderin’ down the street, feelin’ merry but mindin’ his own business, when suddenly he spied this here purse lyin’ on the pavement just outside the butcher’s. Well begod, it was full of cash. However, unfortunately for Geebee, someone else had spotted it at exactly the same time as him, so he couldn’t very well just keep it. So in the hope that he’d get a wee reward which would act as an entrance fee til the pub, he took it intil the butcher’s which was full of people for tee find out if anyone in there had dropped it.
“Has any of yous in here lost a purse?” was all he asked.
Well bejaysus, the butcher went clayne mad. He rushed straight out from behind the counter, grabbed the purse and then landed Geebee out on his arse on til the street.
“I don’t want none of your drunken hashin’ in my shop”, he growled at the bowel Geebee.
Now although this was a very minor incident compared til some of the other things that had happened til him recently, it was as good as the last straw and it left him that tense and disturbed about everythin’, that he just knew he had tee somehow find a way out of the mess he was in. So he decided there and then that he’d had enough of all the curios round our wee town and that the time had come at long last for him tee quit arsin’ about, leck the man with no legs. So he headed off home and he wasn’t contented until he’d finished writin’ his letter til John J. The wordin’ of the letter ran leck this.
Dear John,
I’m your cousin Geebee and I’d just leck tee let yee know how very sorry I was tee read about the death of your father Edward, whom I’m sure yee miss a great deal.
I’m goin’ over til London in the very near future and would very much leck tee meet yee for a chat. Would that be possible? Perhaps we could meet for a wee drink? Please write and let me know.
Yours truly
Geebee McSweedelpipes
P.S. I have enclosed a photie of meself for tee let yee see what I look leck.
However when he left the house and was on his way up til the post office for tee buy a stamp, he was still in two minds as tee whether tee post the letter at all. So it didn’t help matters when he saw pigman Smelly headin’ towards the post office and lookin’ real leck he was gonna go in. If there was one man that Geebee really didn’t leck, it was pigman Smelly. Aye, bejaysus, was he not one ignorant hallion! He was more of a bullock than a man and if he’d been goin’ around on all fours, sure it would have suited him better. And a mane hungry whoer he was too, who’d have fought a ghost for a halfpenny. But the worst feature about him was the stink off him. Aye, Smelly was an awful hard man tee get near til on account of the smell of pigshite off him and whenever Geebee was ever walkin’ down the street and saw him comin’ towards him, he’d normally turn on his heel and head off in the opposite direction as quick as he could go, for the smell of pigshite off Smelly would near make yee puke. Aye, and if Geebee ever saw Smelly headin’ for the same shop as him, he’d rush leck hell for tee get in and out before him, for if he bate you til it, and yee had tee wait behind him in the shop, sure the fumes off him would turn your stomach and put yee off whatever grub you was thinkin’ of buyin’. But not only that, the smell off him was such that it would cling on til yee no matter what you’d do and yee just couldn’t shake it off. Jaysus, the shopkeepers used tee hate seein’ him come in, for although he wouldn’t never stay long, the stink of him would always remain after he’d gone out and it’d hang round the place the whole day and sometimes till the follyin’ one as well.
But despite the stink off him, he somehow or another managed tee find a woman called Iris, who agreed tee marry him. Of coourse none of us boys believed it at first because we didn’t think it’d be possible for anyone tee get within 3 foot of him and survive. But it turned out it was no lies and that furthermore the rumour was that the raison why she was fit tee be able get intil a clinch with the whoer and still survive was because the stink off her was even bigger than the stink off him, although nobody never went close enough til the both of them for tee find out for sure.
As for the weddin’, was that not a day and a half! Nobody from about our wee town knew a hate about it, because Smelly was desperate afeared of anyone comin’ along tee watch the comedy act. So after he’d picked up some relatives (probably from Belfast zoo), they all headed off for Enniskillen, well away from the pryin’ eyes in our wee town. Then they duked intil the church leck rats and the praycher got through the marriage service somehow as quick as he could, before disappearin’ intil the vestry tee be sick (it was said later that the poor man puked up at least three times and no matter what he did, the smell of pigshite stuck til him for weeks after and not even ten baths was fit to clear it).
Although Smelly and his mates didn’t normally drink, they got some booze after the weddin’ and then it was back til Smelly’s hovel for the reception. Now because they wasn’t used til drink, it didn’t take too much tee make them tipsy and it was said afterwards, that some of them was actually heard tee laugh and that someone even got up and sang some owl traditional pigshite songs.
Well durin’ the evenin’ Iris took huff and went off til her bed. She was of coourse sorta hopin’ the others would soon layve and that Smelly would join her on her weddin’ night. But the whole company all hung on, drinkin’ and chattin’ about pigshite and things leck that and bejaysus, before they was finished, they was all as drunk as bags. As for the bowel Smelly, at the end of the night he was gone til the world and sure they had tee carry him up the stairs and heel him in alongside his new wife Iris, where he snored better than any of his hogs. As for Iris, she lay beside him weepin’ and wailin’ and wonderin’ what the hell she’d let herself in for. Aye bejaysus, it was all desperate romantic!
But tee get back til the story, when Geebee saw pigman Smelly goin’ intil the post office, he knew it was gonna be a big test for him. Was he gonna post this here letter til John, or was he gonna forget about it and head off in the opposite direction? But he didn’t think about it too long and, although the thought of havin’ tee endure the stink off pigman Smelly almost started him off retchin’, he determinedly went intil the post office, where he held his nose as he waited his turn tee buy a stamp. And then, within no time at all, the letter was in the post-box and on its way til John J.
On Wednesday night, Geebee got himself involved in yit another moneymakin’ project. He was down in Toddy’s havin’ a very, very quiet drink, when owl Stan came in with that owl limp of his and as soon as he set eyes on Geebee, he came hurplin’ over for tee tell him yit again all his tales of woe concernin’ his estranged wife Eliza. Well if Geebee had had a few bob on him, he wouldn’t have tolerated havin’ Stan about him hashin’ at all. But seein’ as he had virtually damn all and Stan was prepared tee buy him a lough of drinks, Geebee went intil his noddin’ his head from time til time but not listenin’ mode as Stan put up the drinks and raved away about Eliza.
Now accordin’ til Stan, she was the cause of all his troubles and she’d been such a crab over the years that she’d drove him til the drink. Then when she’d left him tee go and live on her own in a wee cottage away up the mountain, she’d apparently started lettin’ all the men in the county have their wicked way with her, just tee spite him. Although Geebee had heard it all before and wasn’t really listenin’, he could tell that Stan was more steamed up and bitter about Eliza than usual. Furthermore, he kept repeatin’ that if it wasn’t for his bad leg preventin’ him from gettin’ near her, he’d give her the damned good ludderin’ that he thought she thoroughly deserved.
Well anyway, the night went on and so did Stan and bejaysus he was frothin’ at the mouth from rage and Geebee was frothin’ at the mouth from all the stout Stan was buyin’ him. Then Stan suddenly came out with this here plan he had for gettin’ his own back on Eliza.
“Now, it’s leck this,” Stan said, “although she’s always got the front doer well and truly locked and bolted, she’s that scarred of gettin’ attacked at night in her wee cottage that she always layves the back doer lyin’ wide open when she goes til bed.” Now Geebee couldn’t quite see the logic of this and so he asked Stan tee explain.
“Sure, it’s leck this,” he said, “if anyone ever manages tee break in through the front doer, then she’ll have a clear run for tee escape out the back.” Geebee thought about this for a few moments.
“But what if someone comes in through the back doer?” he asked. Stan thought for a few moments.
“Bejaysus, I don’t believe she’s ever thought of that,” he replied. Geebee looked at the perplexed expression on Stan’s face for a few moments and then decided it’d probably be better tee continue noddin’ and let him rave away. So he quit payin’ any attention til him until Stan offered him a few quid for tee help him carry out his plan. Well Geebee was that short of readies that he immediately agreed and, though it was well after midnight, the pair of them staggered, two steps forward and one step back, all the way up the mountain til Eliza’s wee hovel.
After they eventually got there, Stan hurpled round the back and in through the back doer, while Geebee positioned himself at the front doer. Well at the start the plan went great and there was a fierce amount of roarin’ and scraymin’ from inside the house and then, as was expected, Stan’s wife unlocked and unbolted the front doer and came flyin’ out for tee get away from Stan. Now the next part of the plan was for Geebee tee down her with a box in the mouth so that Stan could get a few good scuds at her with his blackthorn stick. But Geebee didn’t have the heart tee clump her and so he just stuck his foot out and she went head over shite intil the bushes. But despite that, she got away and bejaysus Stan was that mad, he damn near broke his walkin’ stick over Geebee’s head out of frustration.
When Geebee woke up the next mornin’, he had two types of headache - one from all the boozin’ the night before and one from the big bump on his head from Stan’s stick. So he wasn’t in the best of form at all. However, he soon cheered up when he realised that he still had the half pint of whisky that the bowel Stan had asked him tee carry when they’d left the pub the night before and which he’d probably forgotten all about. Jaysus, Geebee was over the moon and it was the best breakfast he’d had in a long time.
When the bottle was empty, he decided tee get out and about for tee see what was what and out on til the street he went tee wander about. But that’s when somethin’ happened that brought it home til him how really fed up he was with our wee town and how he just had tee get away tee start afresh somewhere new. There he was just danderin’ down the street, feelin’ merry but mindin’ his own business, when suddenly he spied this here purse lyin’ on the pavement just outside the butcher’s. Well begod, it was full of cash. However, unfortunately for Geebee, someone else had spotted it at exactly the same time as him, so he couldn’t very well just keep it. So in the hope that he’d get a wee reward which would act as an entrance fee til the pub, he took it intil the butcher’s which was full of people for tee find out if anyone in there had dropped it.
“Has any of yous in here lost a purse?” was all he asked.
Well bejaysus, the butcher went clayne mad. He rushed straight out from behind the counter, grabbed the purse and then landed Geebee out on his arse on til the street.
“I don’t want none of your drunken hashin’ in my shop”, he growled at the bowel Geebee.
Now although this was a very minor incident compared til some of the other things that had happened til him recently, it was as good as the last straw and it left him that tense and disturbed about everythin’, that he just knew he had tee somehow find a way out of the mess he was in. So he decided there and then that he’d had enough of all the curios round our wee town and that the time had come at long last for him tee quit arsin’ about, leck the man with no legs. So he headed off home and he wasn’t contented until he’d finished writin’ his letter til John J. The wordin’ of the letter ran leck this.
Dear John,
I’m your cousin Geebee and I’d just leck tee let yee know how very sorry I was tee read about the death of your father Edward, whom I’m sure yee miss a great deal.
I’m goin’ over til London in the very near future and would very much leck tee meet yee for a chat. Would that be possible? Perhaps we could meet for a wee drink? Please write and let me know.
Yours truly
Geebee McSweedelpipes
P.S. I have enclosed a photie of meself for tee let yee see what I look leck.
However when he left the house and was on his way up til the post office for tee buy a stamp, he was still in two minds as tee whether tee post the letter at all. So it didn’t help matters when he saw pigman Smelly headin’ towards the post office and lookin’ real leck he was gonna go in. If there was one man that Geebee really didn’t leck, it was pigman Smelly. Aye, bejaysus, was he not one ignorant hallion! He was more of a bullock than a man and if he’d been goin’ around on all fours, sure it would have suited him better. And a mane hungry whoer he was too, who’d have fought a ghost for a halfpenny. But the worst feature about him was the stink off him. Aye, Smelly was an awful hard man tee get near til on account of the smell of pigshite off him and whenever Geebee was ever walkin’ down the street and saw him comin’ towards him, he’d normally turn on his heel and head off in the opposite direction as quick as he could go, for the smell of pigshite off Smelly would near make yee puke. Aye, and if Geebee ever saw Smelly headin’ for the same shop as him, he’d rush leck hell for tee get in and out before him, for if he bate you til it, and yee had tee wait behind him in the shop, sure the fumes off him would turn your stomach and put yee off whatever grub you was thinkin’ of buyin’. But not only that, the smell off him was such that it would cling on til yee no matter what you’d do and yee just couldn’t shake it off. Jaysus, the shopkeepers used tee hate seein’ him come in, for although he wouldn’t never stay long, the stink of him would always remain after he’d gone out and it’d hang round the place the whole day and sometimes till the follyin’ one as well.
But despite the stink off him, he somehow or another managed tee find a woman called Iris, who agreed tee marry him. Of coourse none of us boys believed it at first because we didn’t think it’d be possible for anyone tee get within 3 foot of him and survive. But it turned out it was no lies and that furthermore the rumour was that the raison why she was fit tee be able get intil a clinch with the whoer and still survive was because the stink off her was even bigger than the stink off him, although nobody never went close enough til the both of them for tee find out for sure.
As for the weddin’, was that not a day and a half! Nobody from about our wee town knew a hate about it, because Smelly was desperate afeared of anyone comin’ along tee watch the comedy act. So after he’d picked up some relatives (probably from Belfast zoo), they all headed off for Enniskillen, well away from the pryin’ eyes in our wee town. Then they duked intil the church leck rats and the praycher got through the marriage service somehow as quick as he could, before disappearin’ intil the vestry tee be sick (it was said later that the poor man puked up at least three times and no matter what he did, the smell of pigshite stuck til him for weeks after and not even ten baths was fit to clear it).
Although Smelly and his mates didn’t normally drink, they got some booze after the weddin’ and then it was back til Smelly’s hovel for the reception. Now because they wasn’t used til drink, it didn’t take too much tee make them tipsy and it was said afterwards, that some of them was actually heard tee laugh and that someone even got up and sang some owl traditional pigshite songs.
Well durin’ the evenin’ Iris took huff and went off til her bed. She was of coourse sorta hopin’ the others would soon layve and that Smelly would join her on her weddin’ night. But the whole company all hung on, drinkin’ and chattin’ about pigshite and things leck that and bejaysus, before they was finished, they was all as drunk as bags. As for the bowel Smelly, at the end of the night he was gone til the world and sure they had tee carry him up the stairs and heel him in alongside his new wife Iris, where he snored better than any of his hogs. As for Iris, she lay beside him weepin’ and wailin’ and wonderin’ what the hell she’d let herself in for. Aye bejaysus, it was all desperate romantic!
But tee get back til the story, when Geebee saw pigman Smelly goin’ intil the post office, he knew it was gonna be a big test for him. Was he gonna post this here letter til John, or was he gonna forget about it and head off in the opposite direction? But he didn’t think about it too long and, although the thought of havin’ tee endure the stink off pigman Smelly almost started him off retchin’, he determinedly went intil the post office, where he held his nose as he waited his turn tee buy a stamp. And then, within no time at all, the letter was in the post-box and on its way til John J.
Chapter 25
On Saturday mornin’, who did Geebee bump intil out on the main street but the bowel Maud. Well since she’d kicked him out on his arse, he’d sorta half hoped she’d have second thoughts and let him return. But the look she gave him left him in no doubt but that his days of ever livin’ in her abode was well and truly over once and for all, let there be no doubt about that at all, at all. So he crossed the road and went intil Toddy’s.
It was when he was in Toddy’s that Geebee got himself involved in another wee unexpected job, purely by chance. There he was, standin’ in the corner, sipplin’ on his stout, when the locial entrepreneur Ronnie suddenly came burstin’ in, urgently lookin’ for Jimmy. Now when he’d come in through the doer, he had been in a real lather. But when he heard the news that Jimmy had been locked up in the clink for bein’ drunk and disorderly and smiggin’ Sergeant Carrothers, bejaysus he nearly went totally bonkers.
“Jaysus, the useless fuckin’ bastard!” he wailed, “he’s gone and landed me in a right owl pickle now.”
Well, when they eventually managed tee calm Ronnie down, they asked him what was up and he explained that he’d hired Jimmy tee be chef and tee roast a big ox on a spit at the outdoer Country and Western music festival that he’d arranged for that night. But now that Jimmy was indisposed, he didn’t know what the hell he was gonna do, especially as he had tee rush off up til the airport right away for tee meet a few of the musicians off the plane from England. And that’s when a wee light went on in Geebee’s head and he stepped forward for tee ask Ronnie what the job was all about. Now when Ronnie explained that it only entailed lightin’ the fire under a big ox on a spit at around midday and then turnin’ it at regular intervals durin’ the afternoon for tee make sure that it was thoroughly cooked right through by the time the musicians started tee play in the evenin’, Well when he heard this, Geebee immediately volunteered tee do the job for the wages that Ronnie had promised tee pay Jimmy. Bejaysus, Ronnie was that relieved that he unfortunately made the damned bad mistake of givin’ Geebee his wages in advance before he pissed off up til Belfast airport.
Now Geebee decided tee celebrate his good fortune and he hung on in Toddy’s for another drink even though it was on the hinges of midday and he knew that he should really have been on his way til the festival site for tee light the fire. Then of coourse one drink led til another and furthermore, tee cut a long story short, he stayed on in Toddy’s until he had the whole wages all spent and was as full as a shuck.
Even though Geebee didn’t get the fire lit until 7 o’clock (which was just before Ronnie got back from Belfast) and the ox hadn’t therefore been on the spit all that long, it looked lovely, well roasted and very appetisin’ when the Country and Western music festival started proper at about 8.30. Within no time at all, a whole pile of hungry farmers smelt this here lovely beef cookin’ and they came in droves and, as drunk as he was, Geebee cut the mate and handed out juicy lumps of it between big thick slices of bread.
Now, those big rough farmers was payin’ plenty for these ox sandwiches and, needless tee say, they wasn’t none too playsed when they bit intil them and the red blood from the raw mate poured down their shirts. Jaysus, they was that riz that some of them grabbed Geebee and held him tight, while others fed the fire with more fuel until it was a ragin’ inferno. Then they went tee tie Geebee til the spit and he surely would have been roasted better than the ox only the cops came and saved his bacon (or should I say his beef). Geebee was sure glad that those cops arrived when they did, for if them farmers had started roastin’ him on yon spit, there was no doubt but that he’d have got tee see what hell was leck before his time.
On Saturday mornin’, who did Geebee bump intil out on the main street but the bowel Maud. Well since she’d kicked him out on his arse, he’d sorta half hoped she’d have second thoughts and let him return. But the look she gave him left him in no doubt but that his days of ever livin’ in her abode was well and truly over once and for all, let there be no doubt about that at all, at all. So he crossed the road and went intil Toddy’s.
It was when he was in Toddy’s that Geebee got himself involved in another wee unexpected job, purely by chance. There he was, standin’ in the corner, sipplin’ on his stout, when the locial entrepreneur Ronnie suddenly came burstin’ in, urgently lookin’ for Jimmy. Now when he’d come in through the doer, he had been in a real lather. But when he heard the news that Jimmy had been locked up in the clink for bein’ drunk and disorderly and smiggin’ Sergeant Carrothers, bejaysus he nearly went totally bonkers.
“Jaysus, the useless fuckin’ bastard!” he wailed, “he’s gone and landed me in a right owl pickle now.”
Well, when they eventually managed tee calm Ronnie down, they asked him what was up and he explained that he’d hired Jimmy tee be chef and tee roast a big ox on a spit at the outdoer Country and Western music festival that he’d arranged for that night. But now that Jimmy was indisposed, he didn’t know what the hell he was gonna do, especially as he had tee rush off up til the airport right away for tee meet a few of the musicians off the plane from England. And that’s when a wee light went on in Geebee’s head and he stepped forward for tee ask Ronnie what the job was all about. Now when Ronnie explained that it only entailed lightin’ the fire under a big ox on a spit at around midday and then turnin’ it at regular intervals durin’ the afternoon for tee make sure that it was thoroughly cooked right through by the time the musicians started tee play in the evenin’, Well when he heard this, Geebee immediately volunteered tee do the job for the wages that Ronnie had promised tee pay Jimmy. Bejaysus, Ronnie was that relieved that he unfortunately made the damned bad mistake of givin’ Geebee his wages in advance before he pissed off up til Belfast airport.
Now Geebee decided tee celebrate his good fortune and he hung on in Toddy’s for another drink even though it was on the hinges of midday and he knew that he should really have been on his way til the festival site for tee light the fire. Then of coourse one drink led til another and furthermore, tee cut a long story short, he stayed on in Toddy’s until he had the whole wages all spent and was as full as a shuck.
Even though Geebee didn’t get the fire lit until 7 o’clock (which was just before Ronnie got back from Belfast) and the ox hadn’t therefore been on the spit all that long, it looked lovely, well roasted and very appetisin’ when the Country and Western music festival started proper at about 8.30. Within no time at all, a whole pile of hungry farmers smelt this here lovely beef cookin’ and they came in droves and, as drunk as he was, Geebee cut the mate and handed out juicy lumps of it between big thick slices of bread.
Now, those big rough farmers was payin’ plenty for these ox sandwiches and, needless tee say, they wasn’t none too playsed when they bit intil them and the red blood from the raw mate poured down their shirts. Jaysus, they was that riz that some of them grabbed Geebee and held him tight, while others fed the fire with more fuel until it was a ragin’ inferno. Then they went tee tie Geebee til the spit and he surely would have been roasted better than the ox only the cops came and saved his bacon (or should I say his beef). Geebee was sure glad that those cops arrived when they did, for if them farmers had started roastin’ him on yon spit, there was no doubt but that he’d have got tee see what hell was leck before his time.
Chapter 26
Week four in Salty’s dungeon didn’t start off any better than the previous three. In fact, because Geebee had so little money, he just spent the most of the daylight hours that Monday moochin’ around doin’ next til nothin’.
Later, when it got til around 7.30 p.m., he went up and stood at the street corner outside Billy’s pub, kickin’ his heels and feelin’ real miserable. Although he did have the price of a bottle of stout in his pocket, he knew he couldn’t go in too early because it’d be desperate hard for tee make one bottle last the whole night. Now although Monday night was normally a damned bad night for cadgin’ drinks, Geebee knew that people was usually able tee find a few bob from where if there was somethin’ real good tee celebrate. He therefore decided tee try somethin’ he’d never tried in Billy’s before and which he thought might possibly work. So intil the pub he marched, all cheerful and smilin’.
“Good evenin’ Billy,” he said, “could you let me have a bottle of your very best porter.” Billy was a wee bit took aback by this unusual show of friendliness and cheeriness from Geebee and knew from experience that he would probably need tee be a wee bit wary.
“You’re in good humour tonight,” he said, reachin’ for a bottle of stout.
“And why not,” replied Geebee, “I’ve somethin’ really good tee celebrate.” Well of course, everyone’s ears started prickin’ up.
“Somethin’ really good tee celebrate?”
“Aye, I’m gettin’ hung next week.” Everyone’s ears pricked up even further.
“So you’re gettin’ married at long last, Geebee,” said Billy.
“Aye,” said Geebee, “I’ve thought it all through and I’ve decided it’s about time I settled down.”
“Who’s gettin’ married?” asked Christy from down the bar.
“Me Christy,” said Geebee, “what’ll yee buy me tee drink tee celebrate.” Christy shook his head and grinned.
“Look Geebee,” he said, “you’ve tolt us on two previous occasions you was gettin’ married and each time the whole bar bought yee drinks .... and sure there wasn’t one word about it .... it was all just a ruse for yee tee get full at no cost til yourself.” Geebee crumpled inwardly because he could see that Christy was probably gonna scupper his wee plan for gettin’ a few free drinks.
“Aye, I know,” said Geebee lamely, “half the lies you hear aren’t the truth at all.”
“And who are marryin’?” asked Buster, who was curious at this here news despite Christy’s scepticism. Now Geebee knew before he came in that he’d obviously be asked this here question. So he said the name of a girl who lived outside our wee town and whom he assumed none of them knew too much about.
“Joan Hoggins,” replied Geebee as quick as a flash with a big smile on his face “and yous’ll all be invited til the weddin’ …. just as long as you’re good til me now.” He beamed around the bar, lookin’ for people tee step forward tee buy him a drink or two tee celebrate his good news. However, the smile didn’t stay on his face too long, for one of the fellows who did step forward from down the bar was none other than Joan’s father and, from the look on his face, he seemed mighty interested for tee hear a few more details about this here weddin’ that he knew nawthin’ about. And, as he was comin’ down the bar for tee have a wee word with his prospective son-in-law, this here prospective son-in-law decided that he was tired and maybe in need of an early night. So Geebee downed his stout in one gulp and was out the doer and away quicker than a cat could lick its paw.
But life wasn’t depressin’ the whole week, for there was the odd good laugh and intriguin’ spectacle as well. For example, on Wednesday, Geebee was passin’ through that rundown area of our wee town near the owl closed-down factory, when he noticed this raggedy buck of about 45 with a bald head and a guitar comin’ strollin’ along. Of course Geebee wasn’t the only one who was curious as til who this whoer was. Man, they all watched him leck hawks, because none of them lecked strangers round our wee town. Now as this outsider was wanderin’ along all relaxed and amiable, all the locials was wonderin’ what foot he dug with. Geebee quickly concluded that he was definitely a pape on account of the downtrodden hump on his back and that if he had any wit at all, he’d head in the opposite direction as fast as he could go. But then it crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe this gonch thought he was in a fenian area. After all it was a real slummy kinda dump round there and the sorta place that many fenians was used til and happy livin’ in.
Then the boyo stopped and started tee chat til Wally, who lived in one of them owl two-up, two-down terraced factory houses and who was a damned good protestant. Geebee’s initial reaction was tee run over til the two of them because he didn’t want tee miss one single word of what was bein’ said. But at the same time, he didn’t want the other whoers who was hangin’ around tee think he was as nosey a whoer as what they was. So Geebee just strolled towards Wally and this here buck all casual-leck. But it was a damned bad move on his part, for by the time he got over til the Wally and this here boyo, he only heard Wally’s last few words.
“Aye, yeh’ll be all right here, sure it’s a catholic street.” Geebee couldn’t hardly believe his ears. Sure there was hardly a more loyalist, true-blue, protestant street in the whole of Ulster. For Christ’s sake, a lot of the whoers that lived there was that fanatical they wouldn’t even ate cabbage on account of it bein’ green.
Well anyway, as this buck started walkin’ down the street, Geebee knew that somethin’ was up because Wally was watchin’ him intently, with a strange sleekit grin on his face. In the manetime, there was people appearin’ from all directions for tee see who this whoer was and what the fuck he was after. And as he went along, the wee man smiled at everyone and patted the chillder on the head. Then he layned agin a lamp post right in the middle of the lions’ den. He looked all around and smiled in a friendly way at all of them that was gawpin’ at him.
“Oie want tee sing yous all a song.” Well Jaysus, what a fuckin’ accent! Til Geebee it sounded desperate leck the whoer was definitely from the South and none of them from round there was a terra fond of Southerners. The wee man twanged his guitar and Geebee could hear Wally almost chokin’ with strangled laughter in the background. The wee man filled his lungs and began tee sing at the top of his voice.
Jaysus, it was an awful shame. Although he had such a lovely voice, unfortunately Geebee didn’t get hearin’ much of it. My goodness, but the wee man didn’t get past the first ten words of “Kevin Barry” before they all lit on him leck cleggs, shoutin’, scraymin’, punchin’ and kickin’. Sure they half kilt him, just because he was goin’ tee sing a rebel song in what he thought was a catholic street. But it just goes tee show yee what sort of people lived in our wee town. As for that useless whoer Wally, who had misled the wee man, not only was he not worth a regimental damn, but he wasn’t no good for King nor country neither.
Week four in Salty’s dungeon didn’t start off any better than the previous three. In fact, because Geebee had so little money, he just spent the most of the daylight hours that Monday moochin’ around doin’ next til nothin’.
Later, when it got til around 7.30 p.m., he went up and stood at the street corner outside Billy’s pub, kickin’ his heels and feelin’ real miserable. Although he did have the price of a bottle of stout in his pocket, he knew he couldn’t go in too early because it’d be desperate hard for tee make one bottle last the whole night. Now although Monday night was normally a damned bad night for cadgin’ drinks, Geebee knew that people was usually able tee find a few bob from where if there was somethin’ real good tee celebrate. He therefore decided tee try somethin’ he’d never tried in Billy’s before and which he thought might possibly work. So intil the pub he marched, all cheerful and smilin’.
“Good evenin’ Billy,” he said, “could you let me have a bottle of your very best porter.” Billy was a wee bit took aback by this unusual show of friendliness and cheeriness from Geebee and knew from experience that he would probably need tee be a wee bit wary.
“You’re in good humour tonight,” he said, reachin’ for a bottle of stout.
“And why not,” replied Geebee, “I’ve somethin’ really good tee celebrate.” Well of course, everyone’s ears started prickin’ up.
“Somethin’ really good tee celebrate?”
“Aye, I’m gettin’ hung next week.” Everyone’s ears pricked up even further.
“So you’re gettin’ married at long last, Geebee,” said Billy.
“Aye,” said Geebee, “I’ve thought it all through and I’ve decided it’s about time I settled down.”
“Who’s gettin’ married?” asked Christy from down the bar.
“Me Christy,” said Geebee, “what’ll yee buy me tee drink tee celebrate.” Christy shook his head and grinned.
“Look Geebee,” he said, “you’ve tolt us on two previous occasions you was gettin’ married and each time the whole bar bought yee drinks .... and sure there wasn’t one word about it .... it was all just a ruse for yee tee get full at no cost til yourself.” Geebee crumpled inwardly because he could see that Christy was probably gonna scupper his wee plan for gettin’ a few free drinks.
“Aye, I know,” said Geebee lamely, “half the lies you hear aren’t the truth at all.”
“And who are marryin’?” asked Buster, who was curious at this here news despite Christy’s scepticism. Now Geebee knew before he came in that he’d obviously be asked this here question. So he said the name of a girl who lived outside our wee town and whom he assumed none of them knew too much about.
“Joan Hoggins,” replied Geebee as quick as a flash with a big smile on his face “and yous’ll all be invited til the weddin’ …. just as long as you’re good til me now.” He beamed around the bar, lookin’ for people tee step forward tee buy him a drink or two tee celebrate his good news. However, the smile didn’t stay on his face too long, for one of the fellows who did step forward from down the bar was none other than Joan’s father and, from the look on his face, he seemed mighty interested for tee hear a few more details about this here weddin’ that he knew nawthin’ about. And, as he was comin’ down the bar for tee have a wee word with his prospective son-in-law, this here prospective son-in-law decided that he was tired and maybe in need of an early night. So Geebee downed his stout in one gulp and was out the doer and away quicker than a cat could lick its paw.
But life wasn’t depressin’ the whole week, for there was the odd good laugh and intriguin’ spectacle as well. For example, on Wednesday, Geebee was passin’ through that rundown area of our wee town near the owl closed-down factory, when he noticed this raggedy buck of about 45 with a bald head and a guitar comin’ strollin’ along. Of course Geebee wasn’t the only one who was curious as til who this whoer was. Man, they all watched him leck hawks, because none of them lecked strangers round our wee town. Now as this outsider was wanderin’ along all relaxed and amiable, all the locials was wonderin’ what foot he dug with. Geebee quickly concluded that he was definitely a pape on account of the downtrodden hump on his back and that if he had any wit at all, he’d head in the opposite direction as fast as he could go. But then it crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe this gonch thought he was in a fenian area. After all it was a real slummy kinda dump round there and the sorta place that many fenians was used til and happy livin’ in.
Then the boyo stopped and started tee chat til Wally, who lived in one of them owl two-up, two-down terraced factory houses and who was a damned good protestant. Geebee’s initial reaction was tee run over til the two of them because he didn’t want tee miss one single word of what was bein’ said. But at the same time, he didn’t want the other whoers who was hangin’ around tee think he was as nosey a whoer as what they was. So Geebee just strolled towards Wally and this here buck all casual-leck. But it was a damned bad move on his part, for by the time he got over til the Wally and this here boyo, he only heard Wally’s last few words.
“Aye, yeh’ll be all right here, sure it’s a catholic street.” Geebee couldn’t hardly believe his ears. Sure there was hardly a more loyalist, true-blue, protestant street in the whole of Ulster. For Christ’s sake, a lot of the whoers that lived there was that fanatical they wouldn’t even ate cabbage on account of it bein’ green.
Well anyway, as this buck started walkin’ down the street, Geebee knew that somethin’ was up because Wally was watchin’ him intently, with a strange sleekit grin on his face. In the manetime, there was people appearin’ from all directions for tee see who this whoer was and what the fuck he was after. And as he went along, the wee man smiled at everyone and patted the chillder on the head. Then he layned agin a lamp post right in the middle of the lions’ den. He looked all around and smiled in a friendly way at all of them that was gawpin’ at him.
“Oie want tee sing yous all a song.” Well Jaysus, what a fuckin’ accent! Til Geebee it sounded desperate leck the whoer was definitely from the South and none of them from round there was a terra fond of Southerners. The wee man twanged his guitar and Geebee could hear Wally almost chokin’ with strangled laughter in the background. The wee man filled his lungs and began tee sing at the top of his voice.
Jaysus, it was an awful shame. Although he had such a lovely voice, unfortunately Geebee didn’t get hearin’ much of it. My goodness, but the wee man didn’t get past the first ten words of “Kevin Barry” before they all lit on him leck cleggs, shoutin’, scraymin’, punchin’ and kickin’. Sure they half kilt him, just because he was goin’ tee sing a rebel song in what he thought was a catholic street. But it just goes tee show yee what sort of people lived in our wee town. As for that useless whoer Wally, who had misled the wee man, not only was he not worth a regimental damn, but he wasn’t no good for King nor country neither.
Chapter 27
When it got til Friday night, Geebee arrived down in Billy’s pub about half nine. Needless tee say, it was full and so was more than half the whoers in the joint. Of course, as soon as Billy spotted Geebee, he glowered at him. But Geebee waved a fiver in his direction for tee let him think he wouldn’t be askin’ for tick or tappin’ people for money or drink and, as a result, the whoer even managed a smile.
“Hello boys,” Geebee said til a group of cheery lads as he pushed his way through the throng towards the bar. But he didn’t stop with them, for he could see that they was on the handy ones already and that their company would be far too damned expensive for the lecks of him, who’d hardly the buckin’ of a goat on him. However, although he had a damned good look round the packed pub, there didn’t seem to be one half-dacent man there at all who looked leck he’d buy him a lough of drinks in exchange for him lettin’ on that he was willin’ tee listen a while til all their rantin’ and ravin’. So Geebee had no choice but tee turn til Billy, who was impatiently waitin’ for him tee order.
“Put us up a bottle of stout there Billy please,” he said to Billy, who then put up the bottle.
“I’ll pay yee when I get back from the gents,” said Geebee, hopin’ that maybe the whoer would have forgot by the time he got back.
When Geebee arrived in the gents, he found owl Slinker there, full as a shuck and tryin’ his best for tee get his lad out for tee have a piss.
“Jaysus,” said Slinker, with a desperate slurred voice, “would yee for God’s sake give me a hand .... I’m bustin’ for a piss.” So Geebee opened his flies, took his lad out and gave Slinker the go-ahead tee turn on the tap. Bejaysus, there was such a gush, Geebee wondered if he’d ever stop. But eventually he did. So Geebee went tee put Slinker’s waterspout back intil his trousers.
“Och, fuck yee,” Slinker roared in a fierce sharp sort of tone, “don’t stick it back before yee’ve given it a good shake.” Well Geebee didn’t take too kindly til miserable whoers bein’ sharp with him and so he felt leck grabbin’ Slinker’s cock and stickin’ it up his ungrateful arse. But then he had another thought and so instead he gave Slinker’s lad a damned good shakin’ he’d not forget in a hurry. Then he put the most of his boy back intil his trousers before pullin’ up his zip as far as it would go. Jaysus, Slinker gave a yelp as the zip bit intil the flesh round his knob and he jumped back about six foot, before staggerin’ out of the gents with half his zippered lad still hangin’ out of his flies. Geebee smiled, for he knew that when Slinker got back inside the pub, the screeches of the weemen would be somethin’ odjious when they spotted that ugly owl wrinkled thing hangin’ out. Geebee then had a piss himself before stridin’ back intil the bar.
“You owe me for that stout,” said Billy. Well, seein’ as the miserable whoer had remembered, Geebee had no choice but tee pay him. However, he wasn’t too depressed, because while he’d been out in the gents, the bowel Olly had come in. Now although Olly was an eegit of around 40 years old who still lived with his owl ma and da and although he normally talked nawthin’ but a whole load of owl shite, Geebee went straight over til him, because he knew that the whoer would buy him a lough of bottles, just as long as he’d listen til him hashin’.
Well for some raison or another, he started off by tellin’ Geebee about the time one dusky evenin’, just as the sun was settin’, when he decided tee creep up til Martha’s cottage for tee see if there was any chance of him gettin’ his hole. Now Martha was no spring chicken and wasn’t beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she was that fat that when she was walkin’, her knees used tee knock hell out of each other. But she banged leck a shitehouse doer and that was all any of the boys from around our wee town was ever interested in, includin’ the bowel Olly.
Now because Martha hadn’t been expectin’ Olly, she was a wee bit took aback when he appeared at the doer of her cottage and she had tee put on her thick lensed goggles for tee see who the hell he was. Man, the double chin of her was hangin’ out over her tits, which was hangin’ out over her belly, which was hangin’ out over her knees. Olly started tee wonder if it wouldn’t be a good idea for tee layve and come back later when it was pitch dark. But she gave him a funny kind of a grin and as his cock immediately rose tee say hello, he decided tee stay. He went straight over til her - as neither her nor him was interested in any owl chat – for tee get stuck intil her, hammer and tongs. Well anyway, when Olly tried tee put his arms round her, he could feel the fat of her almost drippin’ through his fingers. He looked for the first and last time intil her eyes and noticed she was smilin’ in a desperate odd way, leck she was holdin’ in a fart. Olly kissed her and nearly puked up because her lips was so wet and slobbery, it was leck havin’ a face wash. But Jaysus, she was that big, she could have sucked him in and blown him out in bubbles, if she’d had wanted tee.
Well anyway, she didn’t hang around and within no time at all, she put her hand on his cock. He began tee grin, for things was definitely goin’ his way and he knew he’d soon be up til the balls in her. But then, over her shoulder, he noticed some whoer out in the field, dukin’ about from tree til tree. Well there was no doubt in his mind but that he’d been follyed and that soon the whole town would be talkin’ about it and that it’d be no time at all till people would tell his ma and da who was desperate religious people and they’d kick him out of the house on his arse as soon as they found out. So Olly took his cock out of her hand and himself out the backdoer of the cottage as quick as he could go.
Olly then crept round the side of the cottage for tee try and find out who the spyin’ whoer was. But then he nearly shit himself, for he realised it was none other than his da. Olly froze and watched as his da crept on tip toes up til Martha’s front doer. Then he went in. Olly was shytin’ himself because he still thought that his da had been follyin’ him. But once in, his da didn’t come out and, after about 10 minutes or so, the penny suddenly dropped. The whoer hadn’t been follyin’ Olly at all and the only raison he was up there at Martha’s was tee get his hole off her.
Bejaysus Olly was quare and glad that he didn’t get ridin’ Martha that night after all, for his owl da had tee pay a secret visit til the hospital a few weeks later. Jaysus, there was an awful funny atmosphere about the house for a lough of months after that and his da had been very aisy talked til by Olly’s ma.
Well when Geebee got tired of Olly talkin’ shite, he decided tee layve and go til Shaw’s pub down the street for tee see if he was still barred there or if they’d let him in.
Although it was an awful crush tryin’ tee get out of Billy’s main bar, Geebee eventually managed tee make it intil the corridor where he fell in behind Simon, the assistant barman, who was carryin’ a tray laden down with drinks and strugglin’ tee open the lounge door. Now Geebee didn’t feel all that happy towards Simon on account of the whoer refusin’ him tick the previous week.
“Here, Simon,” Geebee said, “let me help yee.” And he opened the doer for Simon.
“Thanks,” Simon said, a wee bit took aback at Geebee’s offer of help and he brushed past Geebee intil the lounge. Faces turned in the packed room as Simon went in. So Geebee gave Simon’s elbow a sharp knock and closed the door. Jaysus, what a commotion! Geebee heard the sound of breakin’ glass and all the fucks and damns and the weemen scraymin’ as they wiped down their good dresses! Maybe that whoer Simon would give Geebee tick the next time.
When Geebee got til Shaw’s bar down the street, he pushed his way in through the throng.
“Get out!” shouted Walter the barman as soon as he noticed Geebee, who immediately smiled as nicely as he could at Walter.
“I only want a bottle of wine for tee take out,” said Geebee, “then I’ll go.”
“The only thing you’re goin’ get in here,” growled Walter, “is the doer.” Bejaysus, these bastards who hold grudges! The smile left Geebee’s face in a flash and he glowered at Walter with as much hatred as he could possibly summon up. It also crossed his mind that maybe he should drag the whoer across the counter and batter his brains out with a bottle. But the only sneg about takin’ that sort of action was that Walter would probably hit him back.
“Look,” roared Geebee at the top of his voice, so all the other clients in the bar could hear, “it’s not my fault that I found snails in the stout .... or saw yee puttin’ water in the whisky.” Walter went a whiter shade of pale.
“Yee lyin’ bastard, yee,” he roared. Well nobody called Geebee a lyin’ bastard and got away with it.
“If I get a holt of yee,” said Geebee, “I’ll shove your teeth that far down your throat that they’ll be rattlin’ around your fartbox that much that people will think you’re a fuckin’ rattlesnake.” Walter went an even whiter shade of pale.
“Come here yee fucker, yee,” he shouted, and with that he jumped clayne over the counter leck a mad March hare. Geebee could see from the look on his face that he really did mane business. So because Walter was one hell of a big strong man, Geebee decided he’d dayle with his teeth some other time. So he moved real quick for the first time in a long time and fled from the bar. Aye, it’s always better tee lose an argument than a fight.
Geebee wasn’t sure what he was gonna do next! He knew he couldn’t go back til Billy’s bar because news travelled that fast round our wee town that he’d hardly be in through the doer till they’d be laughin’, jokin’ and jibin’ at how he’d been chased from Shaw’s pub. Another wee sneg of course was the fact that Simon would probably be wantin’ a few wee words with him about the wee nudge in the arm that Geebee had given him. But not only that, it crossed Geebee’s mind that he was now without doubt barred from Billy’s as well. Which meant that he was barred from every pub about our wee town apart from Toddy’s. But sadly for Geebee, it wasn’t Toddy who was behind the bar that night, but his owl gern of a da, Monty.
As for Sunday, there wasn’t one single word about John J in the Sunday rag. For the second weekend in a row.
When it got til Friday night, Geebee arrived down in Billy’s pub about half nine. Needless tee say, it was full and so was more than half the whoers in the joint. Of course, as soon as Billy spotted Geebee, he glowered at him. But Geebee waved a fiver in his direction for tee let him think he wouldn’t be askin’ for tick or tappin’ people for money or drink and, as a result, the whoer even managed a smile.
“Hello boys,” Geebee said til a group of cheery lads as he pushed his way through the throng towards the bar. But he didn’t stop with them, for he could see that they was on the handy ones already and that their company would be far too damned expensive for the lecks of him, who’d hardly the buckin’ of a goat on him. However, although he had a damned good look round the packed pub, there didn’t seem to be one half-dacent man there at all who looked leck he’d buy him a lough of drinks in exchange for him lettin’ on that he was willin’ tee listen a while til all their rantin’ and ravin’. So Geebee had no choice but tee turn til Billy, who was impatiently waitin’ for him tee order.
“Put us up a bottle of stout there Billy please,” he said to Billy, who then put up the bottle.
“I’ll pay yee when I get back from the gents,” said Geebee, hopin’ that maybe the whoer would have forgot by the time he got back.
When Geebee arrived in the gents, he found owl Slinker there, full as a shuck and tryin’ his best for tee get his lad out for tee have a piss.
“Jaysus,” said Slinker, with a desperate slurred voice, “would yee for God’s sake give me a hand .... I’m bustin’ for a piss.” So Geebee opened his flies, took his lad out and gave Slinker the go-ahead tee turn on the tap. Bejaysus, there was such a gush, Geebee wondered if he’d ever stop. But eventually he did. So Geebee went tee put Slinker’s waterspout back intil his trousers.
“Och, fuck yee,” Slinker roared in a fierce sharp sort of tone, “don’t stick it back before yee’ve given it a good shake.” Well Geebee didn’t take too kindly til miserable whoers bein’ sharp with him and so he felt leck grabbin’ Slinker’s cock and stickin’ it up his ungrateful arse. But then he had another thought and so instead he gave Slinker’s lad a damned good shakin’ he’d not forget in a hurry. Then he put the most of his boy back intil his trousers before pullin’ up his zip as far as it would go. Jaysus, Slinker gave a yelp as the zip bit intil the flesh round his knob and he jumped back about six foot, before staggerin’ out of the gents with half his zippered lad still hangin’ out of his flies. Geebee smiled, for he knew that when Slinker got back inside the pub, the screeches of the weemen would be somethin’ odjious when they spotted that ugly owl wrinkled thing hangin’ out. Geebee then had a piss himself before stridin’ back intil the bar.
“You owe me for that stout,” said Billy. Well, seein’ as the miserable whoer had remembered, Geebee had no choice but tee pay him. However, he wasn’t too depressed, because while he’d been out in the gents, the bowel Olly had come in. Now although Olly was an eegit of around 40 years old who still lived with his owl ma and da and although he normally talked nawthin’ but a whole load of owl shite, Geebee went straight over til him, because he knew that the whoer would buy him a lough of bottles, just as long as he’d listen til him hashin’.
Well for some raison or another, he started off by tellin’ Geebee about the time one dusky evenin’, just as the sun was settin’, when he decided tee creep up til Martha’s cottage for tee see if there was any chance of him gettin’ his hole. Now Martha was no spring chicken and wasn’t beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she was that fat that when she was walkin’, her knees used tee knock hell out of each other. But she banged leck a shitehouse doer and that was all any of the boys from around our wee town was ever interested in, includin’ the bowel Olly.
Now because Martha hadn’t been expectin’ Olly, she was a wee bit took aback when he appeared at the doer of her cottage and she had tee put on her thick lensed goggles for tee see who the hell he was. Man, the double chin of her was hangin’ out over her tits, which was hangin’ out over her belly, which was hangin’ out over her knees. Olly started tee wonder if it wouldn’t be a good idea for tee layve and come back later when it was pitch dark. But she gave him a funny kind of a grin and as his cock immediately rose tee say hello, he decided tee stay. He went straight over til her - as neither her nor him was interested in any owl chat – for tee get stuck intil her, hammer and tongs. Well anyway, when Olly tried tee put his arms round her, he could feel the fat of her almost drippin’ through his fingers. He looked for the first and last time intil her eyes and noticed she was smilin’ in a desperate odd way, leck she was holdin’ in a fart. Olly kissed her and nearly puked up because her lips was so wet and slobbery, it was leck havin’ a face wash. But Jaysus, she was that big, she could have sucked him in and blown him out in bubbles, if she’d had wanted tee.
Well anyway, she didn’t hang around and within no time at all, she put her hand on his cock. He began tee grin, for things was definitely goin’ his way and he knew he’d soon be up til the balls in her. But then, over her shoulder, he noticed some whoer out in the field, dukin’ about from tree til tree. Well there was no doubt in his mind but that he’d been follyed and that soon the whole town would be talkin’ about it and that it’d be no time at all till people would tell his ma and da who was desperate religious people and they’d kick him out of the house on his arse as soon as they found out. So Olly took his cock out of her hand and himself out the backdoer of the cottage as quick as he could go.
Olly then crept round the side of the cottage for tee try and find out who the spyin’ whoer was. But then he nearly shit himself, for he realised it was none other than his da. Olly froze and watched as his da crept on tip toes up til Martha’s front doer. Then he went in. Olly was shytin’ himself because he still thought that his da had been follyin’ him. But once in, his da didn’t come out and, after about 10 minutes or so, the penny suddenly dropped. The whoer hadn’t been follyin’ Olly at all and the only raison he was up there at Martha’s was tee get his hole off her.
Bejaysus Olly was quare and glad that he didn’t get ridin’ Martha that night after all, for his owl da had tee pay a secret visit til the hospital a few weeks later. Jaysus, there was an awful funny atmosphere about the house for a lough of months after that and his da had been very aisy talked til by Olly’s ma.
Well when Geebee got tired of Olly talkin’ shite, he decided tee layve and go til Shaw’s pub down the street for tee see if he was still barred there or if they’d let him in.
Although it was an awful crush tryin’ tee get out of Billy’s main bar, Geebee eventually managed tee make it intil the corridor where he fell in behind Simon, the assistant barman, who was carryin’ a tray laden down with drinks and strugglin’ tee open the lounge door. Now Geebee didn’t feel all that happy towards Simon on account of the whoer refusin’ him tick the previous week.
“Here, Simon,” Geebee said, “let me help yee.” And he opened the doer for Simon.
“Thanks,” Simon said, a wee bit took aback at Geebee’s offer of help and he brushed past Geebee intil the lounge. Faces turned in the packed room as Simon went in. So Geebee gave Simon’s elbow a sharp knock and closed the door. Jaysus, what a commotion! Geebee heard the sound of breakin’ glass and all the fucks and damns and the weemen scraymin’ as they wiped down their good dresses! Maybe that whoer Simon would give Geebee tick the next time.
When Geebee got til Shaw’s bar down the street, he pushed his way in through the throng.
“Get out!” shouted Walter the barman as soon as he noticed Geebee, who immediately smiled as nicely as he could at Walter.
“I only want a bottle of wine for tee take out,” said Geebee, “then I’ll go.”
“The only thing you’re goin’ get in here,” growled Walter, “is the doer.” Bejaysus, these bastards who hold grudges! The smile left Geebee’s face in a flash and he glowered at Walter with as much hatred as he could possibly summon up. It also crossed his mind that maybe he should drag the whoer across the counter and batter his brains out with a bottle. But the only sneg about takin’ that sort of action was that Walter would probably hit him back.
“Look,” roared Geebee at the top of his voice, so all the other clients in the bar could hear, “it’s not my fault that I found snails in the stout .... or saw yee puttin’ water in the whisky.” Walter went a whiter shade of pale.
“Yee lyin’ bastard, yee,” he roared. Well nobody called Geebee a lyin’ bastard and got away with it.
“If I get a holt of yee,” said Geebee, “I’ll shove your teeth that far down your throat that they’ll be rattlin’ around your fartbox that much that people will think you’re a fuckin’ rattlesnake.” Walter went an even whiter shade of pale.
“Come here yee fucker, yee,” he shouted, and with that he jumped clayne over the counter leck a mad March hare. Geebee could see from the look on his face that he really did mane business. So because Walter was one hell of a big strong man, Geebee decided he’d dayle with his teeth some other time. So he moved real quick for the first time in a long time and fled from the bar. Aye, it’s always better tee lose an argument than a fight.
Geebee wasn’t sure what he was gonna do next! He knew he couldn’t go back til Billy’s bar because news travelled that fast round our wee town that he’d hardly be in through the doer till they’d be laughin’, jokin’ and jibin’ at how he’d been chased from Shaw’s pub. Another wee sneg of course was the fact that Simon would probably be wantin’ a few wee words with him about the wee nudge in the arm that Geebee had given him. But not only that, it crossed Geebee’s mind that he was now without doubt barred from Billy’s as well. Which meant that he was barred from every pub about our wee town apart from Toddy’s. But sadly for Geebee, it wasn’t Toddy who was behind the bar that night, but his owl gern of a da, Monty.
As for Sunday, there wasn’t one single word about John J in the Sunday rag. For the second weekend in a row.
Chapter 28
The follyin’ Monday was the start of week five in Salty’s dungeon. There was a funeral in our wee town and Geebee was asorta half hopin’ that the crowd would go til Toddy’s bar, because that was the only one left that he wasn’t barred from. But naw, they all went til Billy’s and bejaysus did Geebee not regret the way he’d nudged Simon’s elbow the previous Friday night. As for goin’ down til Toddy’s on his lone, he didn’t see much fun in that because Toddy was away seein’ some quack at the hospital, which meant that his miserable owl da was on duty. So while the boys was all in Billy’s havin’ a great time drinkin’, poor Geebee didn’t really have no choice but tee stand out on the street watchin’ the cars goin’ up and down.
While he was standin’ on the cowl street corner kickin’ his heels, he made up his mind that no matter what, he wouldn’t never ever get barred from Toddy’s, because if he did, he might as well just top himself, for life would become absolutely unbearable. However, somethin’ happened first thing on Tuesday mornin’ that sorta brought an immediate end til that resolution and put Toddy’s out of bounds as well. It was all tee do with Toddy’s sexy wife Sally. Now there was nobody at all in the pub that mornin’ apart from Geebee and Toddy, who was both havin’ a few quiet drinks in the wee room just off the main bar. As for Sally, she was in the main bar havin’ a wee drink and readin’ a magazine. Suddenly this here drinks rep appeared out of nowhere in the main bar and Toddy and Geebee could just about make out from what he was sayin’ til Sally that he was desperate keen for tee see Toddy. However, Toddy didn’t appear desperate keen tee see him, which was probably somethin’ tee do with the fact that the whoer was lookin’ for money, which Toddy didn’t have. Now Toddy obviously wanted tee lie low until the get would fuck away off and this is why he immediately indicated til Geebee tee remain quiet until the rep was gone.
Now Toddy must have sorta hoped that the gonch would vamoose pronto after Sally had tolt him that he was away. But this here eegit had other ideas and, as was obviously his normal slimy way of goin’, he became as sweet as pie and started lickin’ all round Sally’s arse, lookin’ intil her eyes and holdin’ her hand and sayin’ all sorts of sickly shite til her.
Well although the rep must have thought that Toddy would never be any the wiser about this carry-on, he was of course completely wrong and when Geebee saw Toddy go white, stand up and layve the wee room, he was sure he was in for a real good show in next til no time. But what happened next was not what Geebee had expected at all, for instead of Toddy goin’ straight intil the main bar for tee take this here whoer by the throat, he quietly went upstairs instead. Then a few moments later, Geebee heard Toddy comin’ down the stairs again and open the doer leadin’ intil the main bar. Well at this point Geebee immediately stood up and looked intil the mirror on the wall for tee see from its reflection what was goin’ on in the main bar and he was a wee bit took aback when he saw Toddy comin’ intil the main bar carryin’ a shotgun. There then followed quite a bit of murmurin’ and mutterin’ (which Geebee couldn’t quite make out for sure) and then bejaysus, there was this fierce big bang and the rep dropped deed on the flooer. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself, for although he wasn’t exactly sure what had happened in the main bar or whether his eyes had been deceivin’ him, but in the reflection of the mirror, it had looked leck Toddy had just gone and shot the rep stone dead. So when Toddy came staggerin’ in til him with the smokin’ gun, Jaysus, he was that drunk and ragin’ that Geebee ran leck hell out of the place, in case it’d be his turn next.
Now although in the past Geebee had tried his damnest tee get ridin’ Sally on account of her big tits and very rideable lookin’ arse, all his efforts had come til nawthin’, which was maybe just as well. Aye, as soon as yon rep fell deed on the flooer, Geebee immediately lost all notion of wantin’ tee get his hole off Sally and furthermore, as he was runnin’ out yon doer, he vowed he’d never ever even look up her skirt again, let alone think about ridin’ her.
Well Geebee headed straight home, shakin’ leck a leaf and spaykin’ til nobody on the way and when he got in, he locked the doer behind him. He lay real low until later that day when Toddy suddenly arrived on the doerstep wantin’ tee talk til him about the shootin’. When Geebee reluctantly let him in, Toddy tolt him that he’d informed the cops that there’d been nobody in the pub apart from himself, Sally and the rep and that the whole thing had been an awful tragic accident and that the gun had gone off accidentally when Toddy was showin’ it til the rep, who’d said he was interested in buyin’ it.
Now although this made Geebee feel a wee bit relieved, it wasn’t long until he began tee start feelin’ anxious again. For a start, he knew that someone was bound tee have seen him layvin’ Toddy’s at the time of the incident and that it was therefore inevitable that he’d end up gettin’ involved. But what was more worryin’ was the fact that Toddy didn’t seem tee know that Geebee had been lookin’ in the mirror when the rep had got shot. So it crossed Geebee’s mind that if Toddy ever did get tee realise this, he was normally that mad in the head from drink, he’d probably try tee save his own neck by gettin’ rid of Geebee as well. So when he said cheerio til Toddy, Geebee decided that as far as he was concerned, he wouldn’t be goin’ nowhere near Toddy nor his bar ever again.
The next mornin’ Geebee rose early and got away out of Salty’s dungeon because he was scarred that Toddy might come back. He was also worried in case the peelers would come round because he still hadn’t made up his mind as til what he’d say if they tackled him about what had happened til the rep. In fact there was a lot of confusion in his mind. I mane he knew damned fine that when Toddy had gone intil the main bar, it wasn’t just tee show the rep his shotgun. Also the mutterin’ and mumblin’ he’d sorta half-heard had contained phrases leck “yee fuckin’ bastard, yee” and “I’m gonna blow the balls off yee” and hadn’t indicated that a particularly friendly conversation was goin’ on. On top of that, Geebee was almost sure that when he’d been lookin’ at the reflection in the mirror on the wall in the wee room, he’d actually witnessed Toddy shootin’ the gun at this here rep. However, on the mornin’ of the shootin’, Geebee had had nothin’ for breakfast but a lough of drinks and furthermore, the mirror on the wall had been in such an awful grubby state that the images he’d seen had been more than a wee bit blurred. So he was no longer all that sure as til what he really had seen exactly.
Geebee spent the mornin’ dukin’ about our wee town and lookin’ over his shoulder the whole time. He felt very edgy and anxious and more than a wee bit depressed. But then he met Paul who cheered him up no end with the good news that Billy had forgiven him and that he was no longer barred from his pub. This was a great relief til Geebee, for not bein’ able tee go anywhere for a drink was a wee bit leck bein’ sent til hell before his time. Paul then started tee tell him about what had happened til his wee sister the previous day at school. Apparently she’d been in this here class and suddenly she’d felt the urge tee go for a piss comin’ on.
“Jaysus, the wee girl showed us all up real bad.”
“Why, what did she do wrong?”
“Well it got that she was bustin’ that much for a slash, she ended up pissin’ herself and do you know, the teacher didn’t know a hate about it til he saw the puddle on the flooer beneath her desk.”
“Jaysus, did she not think tee put her hand up?”
“Aye, she did .... but unfortunately it ran through her fingers!” Well Geebee took intil such a fit of laughin’ at this that all the anxiety and worry seemed tee drain away out of him. So when he set off down the street back home, he felt a new man.
The follyin’ Monday was the start of week five in Salty’s dungeon. There was a funeral in our wee town and Geebee was asorta half hopin’ that the crowd would go til Toddy’s bar, because that was the only one left that he wasn’t barred from. But naw, they all went til Billy’s and bejaysus did Geebee not regret the way he’d nudged Simon’s elbow the previous Friday night. As for goin’ down til Toddy’s on his lone, he didn’t see much fun in that because Toddy was away seein’ some quack at the hospital, which meant that his miserable owl da was on duty. So while the boys was all in Billy’s havin’ a great time drinkin’, poor Geebee didn’t really have no choice but tee stand out on the street watchin’ the cars goin’ up and down.
While he was standin’ on the cowl street corner kickin’ his heels, he made up his mind that no matter what, he wouldn’t never ever get barred from Toddy’s, because if he did, he might as well just top himself, for life would become absolutely unbearable. However, somethin’ happened first thing on Tuesday mornin’ that sorta brought an immediate end til that resolution and put Toddy’s out of bounds as well. It was all tee do with Toddy’s sexy wife Sally. Now there was nobody at all in the pub that mornin’ apart from Geebee and Toddy, who was both havin’ a few quiet drinks in the wee room just off the main bar. As for Sally, she was in the main bar havin’ a wee drink and readin’ a magazine. Suddenly this here drinks rep appeared out of nowhere in the main bar and Toddy and Geebee could just about make out from what he was sayin’ til Sally that he was desperate keen for tee see Toddy. However, Toddy didn’t appear desperate keen tee see him, which was probably somethin’ tee do with the fact that the whoer was lookin’ for money, which Toddy didn’t have. Now Toddy obviously wanted tee lie low until the get would fuck away off and this is why he immediately indicated til Geebee tee remain quiet until the rep was gone.
Now Toddy must have sorta hoped that the gonch would vamoose pronto after Sally had tolt him that he was away. But this here eegit had other ideas and, as was obviously his normal slimy way of goin’, he became as sweet as pie and started lickin’ all round Sally’s arse, lookin’ intil her eyes and holdin’ her hand and sayin’ all sorts of sickly shite til her.
Well although the rep must have thought that Toddy would never be any the wiser about this carry-on, he was of course completely wrong and when Geebee saw Toddy go white, stand up and layve the wee room, he was sure he was in for a real good show in next til no time. But what happened next was not what Geebee had expected at all, for instead of Toddy goin’ straight intil the main bar for tee take this here whoer by the throat, he quietly went upstairs instead. Then a few moments later, Geebee heard Toddy comin’ down the stairs again and open the doer leadin’ intil the main bar. Well at this point Geebee immediately stood up and looked intil the mirror on the wall for tee see from its reflection what was goin’ on in the main bar and he was a wee bit took aback when he saw Toddy comin’ intil the main bar carryin’ a shotgun. There then followed quite a bit of murmurin’ and mutterin’ (which Geebee couldn’t quite make out for sure) and then bejaysus, there was this fierce big bang and the rep dropped deed on the flooer. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself, for although he wasn’t exactly sure what had happened in the main bar or whether his eyes had been deceivin’ him, but in the reflection of the mirror, it had looked leck Toddy had just gone and shot the rep stone dead. So when Toddy came staggerin’ in til him with the smokin’ gun, Jaysus, he was that drunk and ragin’ that Geebee ran leck hell out of the place, in case it’d be his turn next.
Now although in the past Geebee had tried his damnest tee get ridin’ Sally on account of her big tits and very rideable lookin’ arse, all his efforts had come til nawthin’, which was maybe just as well. Aye, as soon as yon rep fell deed on the flooer, Geebee immediately lost all notion of wantin’ tee get his hole off Sally and furthermore, as he was runnin’ out yon doer, he vowed he’d never ever even look up her skirt again, let alone think about ridin’ her.
Well Geebee headed straight home, shakin’ leck a leaf and spaykin’ til nobody on the way and when he got in, he locked the doer behind him. He lay real low until later that day when Toddy suddenly arrived on the doerstep wantin’ tee talk til him about the shootin’. When Geebee reluctantly let him in, Toddy tolt him that he’d informed the cops that there’d been nobody in the pub apart from himself, Sally and the rep and that the whole thing had been an awful tragic accident and that the gun had gone off accidentally when Toddy was showin’ it til the rep, who’d said he was interested in buyin’ it.
Now although this made Geebee feel a wee bit relieved, it wasn’t long until he began tee start feelin’ anxious again. For a start, he knew that someone was bound tee have seen him layvin’ Toddy’s at the time of the incident and that it was therefore inevitable that he’d end up gettin’ involved. But what was more worryin’ was the fact that Toddy didn’t seem tee know that Geebee had been lookin’ in the mirror when the rep had got shot. So it crossed Geebee’s mind that if Toddy ever did get tee realise this, he was normally that mad in the head from drink, he’d probably try tee save his own neck by gettin’ rid of Geebee as well. So when he said cheerio til Toddy, Geebee decided that as far as he was concerned, he wouldn’t be goin’ nowhere near Toddy nor his bar ever again.
The next mornin’ Geebee rose early and got away out of Salty’s dungeon because he was scarred that Toddy might come back. He was also worried in case the peelers would come round because he still hadn’t made up his mind as til what he’d say if they tackled him about what had happened til the rep. In fact there was a lot of confusion in his mind. I mane he knew damned fine that when Toddy had gone intil the main bar, it wasn’t just tee show the rep his shotgun. Also the mutterin’ and mumblin’ he’d sorta half-heard had contained phrases leck “yee fuckin’ bastard, yee” and “I’m gonna blow the balls off yee” and hadn’t indicated that a particularly friendly conversation was goin’ on. On top of that, Geebee was almost sure that when he’d been lookin’ at the reflection in the mirror on the wall in the wee room, he’d actually witnessed Toddy shootin’ the gun at this here rep. However, on the mornin’ of the shootin’, Geebee had had nothin’ for breakfast but a lough of drinks and furthermore, the mirror on the wall had been in such an awful grubby state that the images he’d seen had been more than a wee bit blurred. So he was no longer all that sure as til what he really had seen exactly.
Geebee spent the mornin’ dukin’ about our wee town and lookin’ over his shoulder the whole time. He felt very edgy and anxious and more than a wee bit depressed. But then he met Paul who cheered him up no end with the good news that Billy had forgiven him and that he was no longer barred from his pub. This was a great relief til Geebee, for not bein’ able tee go anywhere for a drink was a wee bit leck bein’ sent til hell before his time. Paul then started tee tell him about what had happened til his wee sister the previous day at school. Apparently she’d been in this here class and suddenly she’d felt the urge tee go for a piss comin’ on.
“Jaysus, the wee girl showed us all up real bad.”
“Why, what did she do wrong?”
“Well it got that she was bustin’ that much for a slash, she ended up pissin’ herself and do you know, the teacher didn’t know a hate about it til he saw the puddle on the flooer beneath her desk.”
“Jaysus, did she not think tee put her hand up?”
“Aye, she did .... but unfortunately it ran through her fingers!” Well Geebee took intil such a fit of laughin’ at this that all the anxiety and worry seemed tee drain away out of him. So when he set off down the street back home, he felt a new man.
Chapter 29
When Geebee got in through the frontdoer of Salty’s dungeon, he was in the best of good humour. But then he found a letter awaitin’ him that put him in even better humour. Jaysus, it was from John J askin’ him tee give him a ring the next time he came til London, so that they could meet up and go somewhere for a drink and a chat. Geebee was real chuffed at this for although he didn’t really see any real prospect of his actually ever goin’ til London or meetin’ up with him, it was great nevertheless that John had bothered tee reply at all.
As he was readin’ John J’s letter for about the tenth time there was a knock on the doer. Geebee was immediately afeared that it might be Toddy or even Salty lookin’ for all the outstandin’ rent. But it was worse, for it was constable Pierce tee let him know that Sergeant Carrothers wanted tee have a wee word with him the next day down at the police station about Addy McDoo’s car, the brick that went through Martin Tipp’s pub windy and also somethin’ else. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself because he really hadn’t been expectin’ tee hear any more from the whoers about the car and the windy. After all it seemed such a long time since they’d last said anythin’ about either matter that he’d taken til assumin’ that they’d forgot all about it and wouldn’t be pressin’ no charges agin him. As for the “somethin’ else”, Geebee just knew that this had tee be somethin’ tee do with Toddy and the rep gettin’ shot.
Geebee felt he was in a right owl pickle now and that it was definitely gonna be the high jump for him, let there be no doubt about that at all. Aye, he was absolutely sure they was gonna throw the book at him and that as far as he was concerned, there’d be damn the much justice round our wee town for the lecks of him, not as long as pussy’s a cat. As he was pacin’ up and down, wonderin’ what tee do, there came another rap on the doer. Once again, Geebee was afeared that it might be Toddy or Salty. But it was worse, for there standin’ out on the frontdoer step, as bold as brass, was the bowel Gladys. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself. Needless tee say, he didn’t ask her in. Instead he leapt out the house, shut the doer behind him and propelled her down the road as quick as he could (which wasn’t none too aisy on account of her weighin’ must be at least half a ton), in the forlorn hope that they wouldn’t be seen.
Well anyway, when Geebee eventually managed tee get her out of sight of all the neighbours, he asked her what the hell she wanted and she tolt him the “good news” that she’d been dyin’ tee tell him all day, about how she’d gone til the quack when she’d realised she was a few weeks late and how he’d tolt her that she’d be a-kittlin’ in a lough of months’ time. On hearin’ this, Geebee near shit himself again. However, because he knew that he wasn’t the only buck who’d ever been at her, he immediately tried the ploy of denyin’ that the child could possibly be his on account of this here operation he’d had on his balls when he was young. She listened of coourse til all what he had tee say, but when he was finished, she tolt him that whatever it was that had been wrong with him, he was now well and truly cured, for there was no doubt but that he was definitely the father, because she’d let nobody else at her for a lough of months on account of her “bein’ so in love with” him.
Jaysus, Geebee was panic-stricken. He knew that if she really was up the skite, he’d have no choice but tee marry her, for not only was her father an ignorant owl get, but he also had one hell of a big shotgun, which Geebee knew he’d keep stuck right up his arse until the moment him and Gladys was wed. As far as Geebee was concerned, the thought of bein’ married til that big barrel of lard was too much tee stand. But then it crossed his mind that maybe nobody knew for sure that he’d been at her and that at the end of the day, it was gonna be his word agin hers. Then he remembered that time when that there whoer Jiggers had seen him layvin’ her house so late at night. And he groaned.
As soon as Geebee got his dole money the next day, he went intil Billy’s and had a few good drinks. He was still mighty worried about what Sergeant Carrothers was gonna say til him and whether he was gonna eventually end up in the big house. Of course what didn’t help his frame of mind was chattin’ til Peeter.
“You know,” said Peeter, “me owl boy ended up in jail one time .... aye, they sent him til Crumlin Road for six months and bejaysus, he had tee mix with murderers, bank robbers, terrorist bastards, sex maniacs and all the rest .... and all the poor man had done was bate me ma over the head .... with a crowbar.”
Despite all his problems, the drink did Geebee a power of good and, in no time at all, he was in the very best of good humour and man, despite everythin’, sure life was great. This here good mood lasted until he went home at around midday for tee get himself ready tee go and see Sergeant Carrothers and found the whole place boarded up and his things lyin’ in a pile outside the front doer, situated just right for all the locial dogs tee piss on as they passed by. Now Geebee knew Salty had been threatenin’ tee come and change the locks on account of him owin’ a few weeks rent, but he hadn’t really taken the miserable, hungry whoer too seriously. After all he was supposed tee be a pal of his.
No matter what Geebee tried, Salty had done such a damned good job on the windies and doers that there was no way that he could get back in. So Geebee gathered up all his stuff. He then put some of it in his owl battered suitcase and hid the rest beneath a hedge, before headin’ off with the suitcase back up til Billy’s for tee get another drink or two. But bejaysus, was Geebee not in the worst of bad humour! And the more he drank, the more bitter he became and the more he brooded about Salty and what a useless, hungry whoer he was. Jaysus he spent the whole rest of the afternoon plottin’ and plannin’ how he was gonna get his own back on Salty and bejaysus Salty died a thousand nasty deaths that day - in Geebee’s head.,
When it got dark, Geebee was still so fierce angry with Salty that he decided that if Salty was prepared tee take the roof from above his head, then Geebee could do exactly the same til him. So Geebee crept up til his place and was very playsed when he found that neither Salty nor the wife was back yit from work. Then, after he’d made sure that there was no nosey bastards around, he broke intil Salty’s house and set fire til it, before headin’ off back down the road and intil Billy’s for another lough of drinks.
But guess who was there? Aye, Salty and the wife, both lookin’ fierce sad and sorry. As soon as they saw Geebee comin’ in, they rushed over til him real quick. Salty then bought him a large whisky and a pint and he put his arm around Geebee’s shoulder and tolt him, with big tears in his eyes, that he regretted what he’d done in boordin’ up the house. He went on tee say that he wanted tee make amends and that he would unboord the house as soon as possible, so that Geebe could move back in, rent-free. He then added that in the manetime, Geebee would be more than welcome tee come and stay in his home with them for as long as he lecked and that furthermore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. While Salty was slabberin’ about all over Geebee and sayin’ all this til him, Salty’s wife was noddin’ her head in agreement, just leck one of them wee dogs yee see in the rear windies of cars. Then there was the sound of the sirens and nearly everyone in the pub looked out the windies for tee watch the fire-engines go roarin’ by and people wondered where the hell they was goin’. Although Geebee knew damned fine where they was goin’ til, he couldn’t very well let on til them that he knew, now could he!
Well Geebee had a wee think about things - leck havin’ tee get married til Gladys, Toddy and the rep, Addy McDoo’s car, Martin Tipp’s windy and now Salty’s house - and when after about ten seconds, he’d fully considered his position, he decided that perhaps the time had come for him tee move on, pretty sharpish-leck. So he tolt Salty that he had tee go and see Sergeant Carrothers about a small matter and he asked Salty if he could borrow his car for a wee while. Salty said aye certainly and handed over the kays and Geebee went out of the pub with his owl battered suitcase in his hand. He then got intil Salty’s car and didn’t stop drivin’ it until he arrived up in Belfast, where he sold it real chaype til some eegit. With the lough of quid he got off this here gonch, he bought a ticket for tee fly til London the next mornin’ on one of them owl Shuttles. After he’d found himself somewhere real chaype tee stay the night, he read John J’s letter over and over again until it was time tee rest his weary head. As he closed his eyes for the last time on that day, he wondered what the hell was gonna happen til him next.
When Geebee got in through the frontdoer of Salty’s dungeon, he was in the best of good humour. But then he found a letter awaitin’ him that put him in even better humour. Jaysus, it was from John J askin’ him tee give him a ring the next time he came til London, so that they could meet up and go somewhere for a drink and a chat. Geebee was real chuffed at this for although he didn’t really see any real prospect of his actually ever goin’ til London or meetin’ up with him, it was great nevertheless that John had bothered tee reply at all.
As he was readin’ John J’s letter for about the tenth time there was a knock on the doer. Geebee was immediately afeared that it might be Toddy or even Salty lookin’ for all the outstandin’ rent. But it was worse, for it was constable Pierce tee let him know that Sergeant Carrothers wanted tee have a wee word with him the next day down at the police station about Addy McDoo’s car, the brick that went through Martin Tipp’s pub windy and also somethin’ else. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself because he really hadn’t been expectin’ tee hear any more from the whoers about the car and the windy. After all it seemed such a long time since they’d last said anythin’ about either matter that he’d taken til assumin’ that they’d forgot all about it and wouldn’t be pressin’ no charges agin him. As for the “somethin’ else”, Geebee just knew that this had tee be somethin’ tee do with Toddy and the rep gettin’ shot.
Geebee felt he was in a right owl pickle now and that it was definitely gonna be the high jump for him, let there be no doubt about that at all. Aye, he was absolutely sure they was gonna throw the book at him and that as far as he was concerned, there’d be damn the much justice round our wee town for the lecks of him, not as long as pussy’s a cat. As he was pacin’ up and down, wonderin’ what tee do, there came another rap on the doer. Once again, Geebee was afeared that it might be Toddy or Salty. But it was worse, for there standin’ out on the frontdoer step, as bold as brass, was the bowel Gladys. Jaysus, Geebee near shit himself. Needless tee say, he didn’t ask her in. Instead he leapt out the house, shut the doer behind him and propelled her down the road as quick as he could (which wasn’t none too aisy on account of her weighin’ must be at least half a ton), in the forlorn hope that they wouldn’t be seen.
Well anyway, when Geebee eventually managed tee get her out of sight of all the neighbours, he asked her what the hell she wanted and she tolt him the “good news” that she’d been dyin’ tee tell him all day, about how she’d gone til the quack when she’d realised she was a few weeks late and how he’d tolt her that she’d be a-kittlin’ in a lough of months’ time. On hearin’ this, Geebee near shit himself again. However, because he knew that he wasn’t the only buck who’d ever been at her, he immediately tried the ploy of denyin’ that the child could possibly be his on account of this here operation he’d had on his balls when he was young. She listened of coourse til all what he had tee say, but when he was finished, she tolt him that whatever it was that had been wrong with him, he was now well and truly cured, for there was no doubt but that he was definitely the father, because she’d let nobody else at her for a lough of months on account of her “bein’ so in love with” him.
Jaysus, Geebee was panic-stricken. He knew that if she really was up the skite, he’d have no choice but tee marry her, for not only was her father an ignorant owl get, but he also had one hell of a big shotgun, which Geebee knew he’d keep stuck right up his arse until the moment him and Gladys was wed. As far as Geebee was concerned, the thought of bein’ married til that big barrel of lard was too much tee stand. But then it crossed his mind that maybe nobody knew for sure that he’d been at her and that at the end of the day, it was gonna be his word agin hers. Then he remembered that time when that there whoer Jiggers had seen him layvin’ her house so late at night. And he groaned.
As soon as Geebee got his dole money the next day, he went intil Billy’s and had a few good drinks. He was still mighty worried about what Sergeant Carrothers was gonna say til him and whether he was gonna eventually end up in the big house. Of course what didn’t help his frame of mind was chattin’ til Peeter.
“You know,” said Peeter, “me owl boy ended up in jail one time .... aye, they sent him til Crumlin Road for six months and bejaysus, he had tee mix with murderers, bank robbers, terrorist bastards, sex maniacs and all the rest .... and all the poor man had done was bate me ma over the head .... with a crowbar.”
Despite all his problems, the drink did Geebee a power of good and, in no time at all, he was in the very best of good humour and man, despite everythin’, sure life was great. This here good mood lasted until he went home at around midday for tee get himself ready tee go and see Sergeant Carrothers and found the whole place boarded up and his things lyin’ in a pile outside the front doer, situated just right for all the locial dogs tee piss on as they passed by. Now Geebee knew Salty had been threatenin’ tee come and change the locks on account of him owin’ a few weeks rent, but he hadn’t really taken the miserable, hungry whoer too seriously. After all he was supposed tee be a pal of his.
No matter what Geebee tried, Salty had done such a damned good job on the windies and doers that there was no way that he could get back in. So Geebee gathered up all his stuff. He then put some of it in his owl battered suitcase and hid the rest beneath a hedge, before headin’ off with the suitcase back up til Billy’s for tee get another drink or two. But bejaysus, was Geebee not in the worst of bad humour! And the more he drank, the more bitter he became and the more he brooded about Salty and what a useless, hungry whoer he was. Jaysus he spent the whole rest of the afternoon plottin’ and plannin’ how he was gonna get his own back on Salty and bejaysus Salty died a thousand nasty deaths that day - in Geebee’s head.,
When it got dark, Geebee was still so fierce angry with Salty that he decided that if Salty was prepared tee take the roof from above his head, then Geebee could do exactly the same til him. So Geebee crept up til his place and was very playsed when he found that neither Salty nor the wife was back yit from work. Then, after he’d made sure that there was no nosey bastards around, he broke intil Salty’s house and set fire til it, before headin’ off back down the road and intil Billy’s for another lough of drinks.
But guess who was there? Aye, Salty and the wife, both lookin’ fierce sad and sorry. As soon as they saw Geebee comin’ in, they rushed over til him real quick. Salty then bought him a large whisky and a pint and he put his arm around Geebee’s shoulder and tolt him, with big tears in his eyes, that he regretted what he’d done in boordin’ up the house. He went on tee say that he wanted tee make amends and that he would unboord the house as soon as possible, so that Geebe could move back in, rent-free. He then added that in the manetime, Geebee would be more than welcome tee come and stay in his home with them for as long as he lecked and that furthermore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. While Salty was slabberin’ about all over Geebee and sayin’ all this til him, Salty’s wife was noddin’ her head in agreement, just leck one of them wee dogs yee see in the rear windies of cars. Then there was the sound of the sirens and nearly everyone in the pub looked out the windies for tee watch the fire-engines go roarin’ by and people wondered where the hell they was goin’. Although Geebee knew damned fine where they was goin’ til, he couldn’t very well let on til them that he knew, now could he!
Well Geebee had a wee think about things - leck havin’ tee get married til Gladys, Toddy and the rep, Addy McDoo’s car, Martin Tipp’s windy and now Salty’s house - and when after about ten seconds, he’d fully considered his position, he decided that perhaps the time had come for him tee move on, pretty sharpish-leck. So he tolt Salty that he had tee go and see Sergeant Carrothers about a small matter and he asked Salty if he could borrow his car for a wee while. Salty said aye certainly and handed over the kays and Geebee went out of the pub with his owl battered suitcase in his hand. He then got intil Salty’s car and didn’t stop drivin’ it until he arrived up in Belfast, where he sold it real chaype til some eegit. With the lough of quid he got off this here gonch, he bought a ticket for tee fly til London the next mornin’ on one of them owl Shuttles. After he’d found himself somewhere real chaype tee stay the night, he read John J’s letter over and over again until it was time tee rest his weary head. As he closed his eyes for the last time on that day, he wondered what the hell was gonna happen til him next.
Chapter 30
The next morning, Geebee got on a plane for the first time in his life and, although he tried not to let on to all the other passengers around him, he was absolutely shytin’ himself with fear every minute of the flight over to England. Then, when the plane was circling over London, he felt totally overwhelmed by the incredible size of the place, for it seemed to stretch on and on forever in every direction and made him feel so very, very small and insignificant.
After the plane had landed and he’d retrieved his old battered suitcase, he wandered about in a complete daze, totally mesmerised by the crowds of people scurrying about all over the place. He kept getting panic attacks which became so bad that he felt like catching the first plane back home. But he knew that he couldn’t do that, for there was nothing for him back in our wee town but loads of trouble, real trouble! So he managed to eventually calm himself down and turn his mind towards John and, after a while, he eventually summoned up the courage to ring the telephone number at the top of John’s letter.
A very bright, confident, cheerful voice answered the phone and Geebee immediately felt so pathetic and inadequate that he damned nearly dropped the phone. But he managed not to and instead he asked for John, which is when the voice replied that it was John who was speaking. So Geebee told him he’d just arrived at Heathrow and he asked him if he’d like to meet for a wee chat somewhere. John said yes, certainly, but that it would have to be later on in the day, as he was just on his way out to attend to some urgent business. He went on to say that he was meeting his business manager off a train at Euston Station in a few hours’ time at 7.30 p.m. and he suggested that maybe Geebee could meet him there under the arrivals/departures board at say 7.00 p.m., when they could then go for a drink. Geebee said aye, okay. John then went on to tell Geebee that he’d be wearing a panama hat, which would enable Geebee to recognise him. Geebee said righto and, even though he didn’t know what the hell a panama hat looked like, he’d seen John’s photo that much recently in the papers that he knew he’d be bound to recognise him. So that was that and the end of the telephone conversation and Geebee set off to find the tube trains.
Jaysus, the journey into central London and then up to Euston was a new but not particularly pleasant experience for Geebee. There were just far too many people jammed in round him and the carriage was far too stuffy for Geebee’s liking. But not only that, Geebee was dreading meeting his “cousin” - or was it his brother? - for the very first time ever. However, he just couldn’t help thinking that after a couple of minutes of nodding, grunting and saying hello and it’s nice to meet you and all that sort of owl shite, they’d have nothing else left to say to each other and that there’d then be long empty silences, until eventually John would probably say that he had to go and that would be that and Geebee would be left all on his own, still stuck in the same old hank that he was in now.
Geebee of course got to Euston station far too early. So to help pass the time, he went outside to have a look round and wander about. As he looked at the faces of all the people that were rushing around hither and thither, he felt so out of place and lonely. It crossed his mind that there probably wasn’t one single person in the whole of that vast city who could possibly find any love in their heart for him, a twenty eight year old misfit, who wore rags for clothes, and who didn’t own anything, and who had no wife, nor home, nor friends, a buck with no hopes, no chance, no future, a loser, a road to nowhere man, sinking down quickly into the slimy swamp of despair. But such thinking was only making him feel depressed.
“Away self-pity, away,” he said to himself, “the world wasn’t made for me .... I am young and handsome, brave and free, and there’s a hell of a big world out there, for me to see. Throw back your head, look the world in the eye, there’s so many nice days to live, before I die.” These fine words really perked him up - for about half a minute.
As Geebee wandered along, clutching his battered old suitcase and weaving his way in and out of the teaming crowds of people rushing about, it all became too much for him. He decided to go for a drink and give all these people a better chance to get on home, because he could tell from the look on their faces, that if there was one thing none of them could stand, it was wretches like him with suitcases getting in their way. So he found a pub, got a pint of good strong lager and took a deep slurp.
Ah! It was what his body and soul had been crying out for all day. But then he looked in the big mirror behind the bar and saw a dishevelled tramp staring back at him. Yet another pang of self-pity rolled over him as he gazed at the blotchy skin and bloodshot eyes of a shabby hobo, the remains of an ill-spent youth. Too much booze, too many cigarettes, not enough good food and the lack of any purposeful goal in life had caused all this. But it was no time to be depressed, he had to be stout-hearted and brave, for this was the start of a brand new life and maybe soon he’d be entering a whole new world.
He lit up a fag and took another deep gulp of the jungle juice. But the self-pity was still there. Depression, headache, heartache and deadening weariness. But where was he going, where was the destination of his dreams? Sure he had nothing but a few lousy quid and some crumpled, faded clothes in an old battered suitcase. It reminded him of that depressing time in his early twenties, when he’d lived in Belfast for a lough of months in a wee bedsitter, down a grotty, grimy backstreet, and he remembered the smell of gas, the sagging single bed, the battered saucepans, the cracked dirty window-panes, the threadbare carpet and the squabbling neighbours, living out a nightmare they called life.
Geebee sat in the pub until 6.30 and then he headed off back to Euston Station, which was just up the road a bit. Now he knew from the way that he was staggering about that he was more than a little pissed and so he made a big effort to walk straight, or at least as straight as possible. He was, needless to say, very relieved that the worst of the rush hour seemed to be more or less over, because it meant that there weren’t so many people about for him to go barging into. As he lurched along, he kept a good hold of his battered old suitcase, because the last thing he wanted was to drop it and for it to burst open and shower all his grubby shirts and dirty underpants all over the place. Jaysus, the thought of grovelling about in the gutter, trying to gather up all his rags and hoping people wouldn’t notice the skid marks in his pants, was too much to contemplate.
As he staggered along, he felt so depressed and afraid, that he wished that some nice person would suddenly appear out of the blue, take his hand and lead him to their cosy home, to a big soft bed where he could sleep through the dark night, safe, warm and protected, and, when he’d eventually wake up, it’d be to a golden sun in a bright blue sky and there’d be peace, warmth, love and a new life. But then he hit a man accidentally with his case and this man gave him a dirty look, which instantly made Geebee feel that he was nothing but a bloody nuisance. What with that damned suitcase forever getting in his way and all the traffic, the constant noise, the fumes, the people, the turbulence and the chaos all around him, he felt that lonely and lost, he damned nearly burst into tears.
The next morning, Geebee got on a plane for the first time in his life and, although he tried not to let on to all the other passengers around him, he was absolutely shytin’ himself with fear every minute of the flight over to England. Then, when the plane was circling over London, he felt totally overwhelmed by the incredible size of the place, for it seemed to stretch on and on forever in every direction and made him feel so very, very small and insignificant.
After the plane had landed and he’d retrieved his old battered suitcase, he wandered about in a complete daze, totally mesmerised by the crowds of people scurrying about all over the place. He kept getting panic attacks which became so bad that he felt like catching the first plane back home. But he knew that he couldn’t do that, for there was nothing for him back in our wee town but loads of trouble, real trouble! So he managed to eventually calm himself down and turn his mind towards John and, after a while, he eventually summoned up the courage to ring the telephone number at the top of John’s letter.
A very bright, confident, cheerful voice answered the phone and Geebee immediately felt so pathetic and inadequate that he damned nearly dropped the phone. But he managed not to and instead he asked for John, which is when the voice replied that it was John who was speaking. So Geebee told him he’d just arrived at Heathrow and he asked him if he’d like to meet for a wee chat somewhere. John said yes, certainly, but that it would have to be later on in the day, as he was just on his way out to attend to some urgent business. He went on to say that he was meeting his business manager off a train at Euston Station in a few hours’ time at 7.30 p.m. and he suggested that maybe Geebee could meet him there under the arrivals/departures board at say 7.00 p.m., when they could then go for a drink. Geebee said aye, okay. John then went on to tell Geebee that he’d be wearing a panama hat, which would enable Geebee to recognise him. Geebee said righto and, even though he didn’t know what the hell a panama hat looked like, he’d seen John’s photo that much recently in the papers that he knew he’d be bound to recognise him. So that was that and the end of the telephone conversation and Geebee set off to find the tube trains.
Jaysus, the journey into central London and then up to Euston was a new but not particularly pleasant experience for Geebee. There were just far too many people jammed in round him and the carriage was far too stuffy for Geebee’s liking. But not only that, Geebee was dreading meeting his “cousin” - or was it his brother? - for the very first time ever. However, he just couldn’t help thinking that after a couple of minutes of nodding, grunting and saying hello and it’s nice to meet you and all that sort of owl shite, they’d have nothing else left to say to each other and that there’d then be long empty silences, until eventually John would probably say that he had to go and that would be that and Geebee would be left all on his own, still stuck in the same old hank that he was in now.
Geebee of course got to Euston station far too early. So to help pass the time, he went outside to have a look round and wander about. As he looked at the faces of all the people that were rushing around hither and thither, he felt so out of place and lonely. It crossed his mind that there probably wasn’t one single person in the whole of that vast city who could possibly find any love in their heart for him, a twenty eight year old misfit, who wore rags for clothes, and who didn’t own anything, and who had no wife, nor home, nor friends, a buck with no hopes, no chance, no future, a loser, a road to nowhere man, sinking down quickly into the slimy swamp of despair. But such thinking was only making him feel depressed.
“Away self-pity, away,” he said to himself, “the world wasn’t made for me .... I am young and handsome, brave and free, and there’s a hell of a big world out there, for me to see. Throw back your head, look the world in the eye, there’s so many nice days to live, before I die.” These fine words really perked him up - for about half a minute.
As Geebee wandered along, clutching his battered old suitcase and weaving his way in and out of the teaming crowds of people rushing about, it all became too much for him. He decided to go for a drink and give all these people a better chance to get on home, because he could tell from the look on their faces, that if there was one thing none of them could stand, it was wretches like him with suitcases getting in their way. So he found a pub, got a pint of good strong lager and took a deep slurp.
Ah! It was what his body and soul had been crying out for all day. But then he looked in the big mirror behind the bar and saw a dishevelled tramp staring back at him. Yet another pang of self-pity rolled over him as he gazed at the blotchy skin and bloodshot eyes of a shabby hobo, the remains of an ill-spent youth. Too much booze, too many cigarettes, not enough good food and the lack of any purposeful goal in life had caused all this. But it was no time to be depressed, he had to be stout-hearted and brave, for this was the start of a brand new life and maybe soon he’d be entering a whole new world.
He lit up a fag and took another deep gulp of the jungle juice. But the self-pity was still there. Depression, headache, heartache and deadening weariness. But where was he going, where was the destination of his dreams? Sure he had nothing but a few lousy quid and some crumpled, faded clothes in an old battered suitcase. It reminded him of that depressing time in his early twenties, when he’d lived in Belfast for a lough of months in a wee bedsitter, down a grotty, grimy backstreet, and he remembered the smell of gas, the sagging single bed, the battered saucepans, the cracked dirty window-panes, the threadbare carpet and the squabbling neighbours, living out a nightmare they called life.
Geebee sat in the pub until 6.30 and then he headed off back to Euston Station, which was just up the road a bit. Now he knew from the way that he was staggering about that he was more than a little pissed and so he made a big effort to walk straight, or at least as straight as possible. He was, needless to say, very relieved that the worst of the rush hour seemed to be more or less over, because it meant that there weren’t so many people about for him to go barging into. As he lurched along, he kept a good hold of his battered old suitcase, because the last thing he wanted was to drop it and for it to burst open and shower all his grubby shirts and dirty underpants all over the place. Jaysus, the thought of grovelling about in the gutter, trying to gather up all his rags and hoping people wouldn’t notice the skid marks in his pants, was too much to contemplate.
As he staggered along, he felt so depressed and afraid, that he wished that some nice person would suddenly appear out of the blue, take his hand and lead him to their cosy home, to a big soft bed where he could sleep through the dark night, safe, warm and protected, and, when he’d eventually wake up, it’d be to a golden sun in a bright blue sky and there’d be peace, warmth, love and a new life. But then he hit a man accidentally with his case and this man gave him a dirty look, which instantly made Geebee feel that he was nothing but a bloody nuisance. What with that damned suitcase forever getting in his way and all the traffic, the constant noise, the fumes, the people, the turbulence and the chaos all around him, he felt that lonely and lost, he damned nearly burst into tears.
Chapter 31
When he made it back to Euston Station, he was still a wee bit too early. Now although he was staggering and swaying about in the breeze, he still wasn’t all that sure if he had enough drink inside him yet. So he decided that to be on the safe side, he’d better have another one and away he went up the stairs into the “Upstairs Bar” to have a drink and gather his thoughts.
Well, he had a pint and he drank it so quick that the glass was empty in next to no time. So he ordered another, even though he knew deep down that really he’d had more than enough and that if he didn’t quit soon, not only would he have all his money spent, but he might even fall on his arse in a heap and not be fit to get up again.
He was standing there, up against the bar, shytin’ himself from fear and wondering what he was going to say to John and whether John would be able to understand what the hell he was burbling on about, when, suddenly, he thought he heard someone saying “Geebee?” But he took it that he’d heard wrong, raised his pint of beer and took another deep slug. Then as he was gazing at the barman’s distorted face though the bottom of his pint glass, someone thumped him on the back. Bejaysus, he nearly bit a lump out of the glass and some of the beer went slopping down his front.
Now despite the fact he was only wearing rags, Geebee felt most indignant and he turned around, all set to glare at this clumsy oaf (but only if he wasn’t looking at him of course), and saw a tanned face smiling eagerly at him. Geebee recognized him immediately from all the photos he’d seen of him in the papers - it was John J, one of the most handsome men in the western world, the boy with the long blond hair and the sparkling eyes of blue, the boy blessed with such a magnetic aura and magnificent physique that he attracted both men and women alike. Geebee grunted and went a few shades of red, as he tried to focus his drunken eyes on John’s beaming face. John grabbed his hand.
“I wasn’t sure for a few seconds if it was you or not, but when I had another look at the photo you sent me, I knew it just had to be .... how are you?” Geebee smiled a sickly smile at John, while praying at the same time that he’d quickly be able to steady himself up and not fall in a heap at his feet.
“Hello John, how’s about yee,” he tried to say without slurring, “it’s very nice tee meet yee.” They then shook hands and, as they gazed into each other’s eyes, Geebee suddenly became aware of his own appearance and felt so ashamed. But John seemed to be totally oblivious to his clothes and, as he grinned warmly at him, Geebee began to quickly feel totally at ease with him, like as if they’d been friends all their lives.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you in here,” said John.
“No, I was a wee bit early, so I thought I’d come in here for tee pass the time.”
“Me too,” said John. “Now come and join us .... we are sitting over there.” Us, we? Geebee certainly hadn’t been expecting John to be in company and, as he glanced over John’s outstretched hand, he saw nothing but a sea of faces. Bejaysus, his guts tightened up and he felt like going to the toilet. Oh no, he thought, why did he have to be such a scruffy rag and bone man and why had he drunk so much? As John pulled Geebee and his old battered suitcase through the crowd of faceless travellers, Geebee tried in vain to flatten his dishevelled hair with his free hand. My goodness, but he hadn’t even shaved that morning.
John stopped beside a little table and there, sitting behind it, were two girls. One had lovely, thick, long, straw coloured hair and the most appealing face Geebee had ever seen in his life and the other had short dark hair and a cheeky, friendly smile on her face. Geebee went bright red again and felt in even greater need of the toilet, where he’d be able to disappear behind a locked cubicle door and hide himself from the world. They all looked so prosperous, so sophisticated, so well dressed and he felt so ugly and inadequate.
“I was right, it was him,” said John cheerfully to these two beautiful women. Geebee attempted to hide behind John, vainly trying to think up some excuse for leaving. He was so afraid of stuttering that he just gave the girls a sickly grin. The dark haired girl smiled at him warmly, but the other one merely glanced at him in a bored, dismissive sort of way, before looking away. Bitch! he thought.
“Now first of all Geebee, let me introduce you to the two girls,” said John, “my friend Pauline and my sister Samantha.” Well at the precise moment that John had said this, Geebee had been putting his old battered suitcase down, so he wasn’t exactly sure which of the two girls was John’s sister, but he kind of gathered that it was the dark haired girl and although he smiled as warmly as he could at her, he more or less ignored the other snooty bitch.
“Right,” said John, “I’m just going to get you another drink Geebee.”
“Oh John,” thought Geebee, “please don’t leave me on my own with these lovely ladies, for I don’t know what to say and I’m sure they’re afraid of me, a wild looking man, a tramp with bloodshot eyes, who’s reeking of booze and stale sweat.” Geebee clumsily sat down, aware of the dark haired girl’s eyes gazing at him. He felt so unwanted and unloved. Because he couldn’t think of anything better to do, he tried to hide his old battered suitcase under the table, for he was ashamed of it, this lonely, unwanted, unloved thing, the battered and pathetic container of all his worldly possessions, his crumpled shirts that had never seen an iron, his skid-marked underpants, and his smelly socks full of holes.
“So you’re Geebee,” said the dark haired girl, “John’s told me all about you.” Told her all about him! What the hell was there to tell? Geebee wondered if they’d noticed the stains on his coat.
“Oh that’s nice,” he murmured lamely, anxiously reaching for his packet of fags which looked just like him, crumpled and battered. He felt so uncomfortable and glancing round, he wished John would come back really quickly. It’d been nice to meet him and all that, but when the next thirty minutes or so were up, John would probably be glad to see the back of him and he’d say to the girls “my God, what an oddball .... and did you see those clothes? .... I do hope that I don’t ever see him again”
Geebee offered round his battered packet of fags, but the girls refused. So he lit up one himself and disappeared into a cloud of smoke, which unfortunately made him cough and cough and, although there was phlegm in his throat and he felt like spitting it out, he couldn’t really gob it up in front of these two very sophisticated ladies, now could he?
“Here you are Geebee, another pint.” Geebee was so glad John was back. John sat down and rubbed his hands. He looked so youthful, so full of life, so energetic.
“Well Geebee, I’m looking forward to you telling me all about yourself and the rest of the family when we’ve got a little more time and it’s not so noisy.” Geebee cringed. What could he say about himself and the family that he wasn’t ashamed of and embarrassed about? Geebee went bright red again and, when he glanced around, he saw the straw haired girl looking at him in a most disapproving sort of way. Geebee thought to himself that she was just an unfriendly, stuck-up snob, whom he didn’t like one wee bit.
“By the way Geebee, where are you staying?”
“I don’t really know John,” he blurted out, “I haven’t made up me mind yit.” John gazed at him intently for a few moments, as if he was making a decision.
“Good,” he said eventually. “Now we’re waiting here for James, my business manager .... he’s going to give me some important documents and then Pauline and I are going to head off to Paris for a few days .... so if you like, you can stay at my place while we’re away .... and when I get back, me and you can get acquainted and have one hell of a good time.”
“Oh thanks,” said Geebee lamely, “that’d be nice.” He went a bit pink yet again. The dark haired girl gave him a friendly smile, but the other snobby bitch just glanced at him with a bored, disdainful look on her face. John then looked at his watch.
“I’d better go and meet James,” he said and off he went, leaving Geebee all alone again with these two beautiful women. But at least the dark haired girl tried to be friendly.
“Geebee’s an unusual name?”
“Aye, but me name’s not really Geebee .... it’s made up from me initials, G and B.”
“But why do you use your initials rather than your first name?”
“Because the G stands for Gene and I didn’t want no name leck Gene because anyone who’d hear it would think it was Jean beginning with a J and laugh at me for having a woman’s name.”
“So why don’t you use your second name instead then?”
“Because the B stands for Barker and I didn’t want none of the boys from round our wee town yappin’ at me leck a dog every time they’d see me comin’!” And that was the end of that and nobody said anything more until John reappeared a few minutes later with a tall, smartly dressed, intelligent looking man.
“This is James,” said John to Geebee who grunted and sneezed like a horse all over James. Then to make matters worse and without thinking what he was doing, Geebee drew his coat cuff across his snout to wipe away what was left of the sneeze. As for the straw haired girl, she suddenly came to life, jumped to her feet with an excited expression on her face and gave James a big kiss on the cheek. Geebee noticed how beautifully feminine she was, with lovely curves and a very sensuous figure. James put his arm around her and although Geebee didn’t like her one wee bit, he wished nevertheless that it was him who was holding her rather than that buck James. He felt a wee bit confused.
“James, let me introduce you to Geebee,” said John. James glanced at Geebee and nodded before turning back to John. Geebee felt small and unwanted again, especially when the dark haired girl rose and joined the little group leaving him on his own. But what the hell did it matter, he thought, sure in a few minutes he’d be away and that would be that and the end of the whole show. Bejaysus, he wished he’d never met any of them.
“I’m sorry Geebee,” said John, “but I’m going to have to leave you now .... we’re running to a very tight schedule .... but you go round to my place .... get settled in …. I’ll be back in a few days and then we can have a really good long chat about things.”
“All right,” said Geebee, determined that as soon as he got out of their sight, he’d go nowhere near the apartment, that he’d scarper.
“But where is it?” Geebee asked, trying to give the impression that he’d go along with John’s plan.
“Oh don’t worry about that .... Sam will take you there.” Well, the straw haired girl immediately looked aghast, which is when Geebee realised that he’d got it all wrong and that it was her, rather than the dark haired girl, who was John’s sister (and perhaps his own half-sister!). But bejaysus, was she not absolutely raging!
“You see Geebee, Sam’s not coming to Paris with us,” John continued, seemingly unaware of his sister’s extreme annoyance, “she’s only here because she gave us a lift to the station.”
Geebee glanced nervously at Sam and hoped that the apartment wasn’t too far away, because the sooner they got there, the sooner they’d be shot of each other, which he knew would suit the both of them just fine. Geebee stood up and picked up his battered suitcase as John went over to Sam and whispered instructions into her obviously very reluctant ear. Geebee gazed at her and, although she was obviously in the worst of bad humour at getting lumbered with Geebee, she still looked very sexy and provocative in her tight blue jeans and that ever so revealing blouse. Geebee felt a little sick, for he was experiencing very, very strange emotions. He wanted to spit in her eye and boot her up the arse, but he also wanted to grab her, and kiss her - very badly indeed.
When he made it back to Euston Station, he was still a wee bit too early. Now although he was staggering and swaying about in the breeze, he still wasn’t all that sure if he had enough drink inside him yet. So he decided that to be on the safe side, he’d better have another one and away he went up the stairs into the “Upstairs Bar” to have a drink and gather his thoughts.
Well, he had a pint and he drank it so quick that the glass was empty in next to no time. So he ordered another, even though he knew deep down that really he’d had more than enough and that if he didn’t quit soon, not only would he have all his money spent, but he might even fall on his arse in a heap and not be fit to get up again.
He was standing there, up against the bar, shytin’ himself from fear and wondering what he was going to say to John and whether John would be able to understand what the hell he was burbling on about, when, suddenly, he thought he heard someone saying “Geebee?” But he took it that he’d heard wrong, raised his pint of beer and took another deep slug. Then as he was gazing at the barman’s distorted face though the bottom of his pint glass, someone thumped him on the back. Bejaysus, he nearly bit a lump out of the glass and some of the beer went slopping down his front.
Now despite the fact he was only wearing rags, Geebee felt most indignant and he turned around, all set to glare at this clumsy oaf (but only if he wasn’t looking at him of course), and saw a tanned face smiling eagerly at him. Geebee recognized him immediately from all the photos he’d seen of him in the papers - it was John J, one of the most handsome men in the western world, the boy with the long blond hair and the sparkling eyes of blue, the boy blessed with such a magnetic aura and magnificent physique that he attracted both men and women alike. Geebee grunted and went a few shades of red, as he tried to focus his drunken eyes on John’s beaming face. John grabbed his hand.
“I wasn’t sure for a few seconds if it was you or not, but when I had another look at the photo you sent me, I knew it just had to be .... how are you?” Geebee smiled a sickly smile at John, while praying at the same time that he’d quickly be able to steady himself up and not fall in a heap at his feet.
“Hello John, how’s about yee,” he tried to say without slurring, “it’s very nice tee meet yee.” They then shook hands and, as they gazed into each other’s eyes, Geebee suddenly became aware of his own appearance and felt so ashamed. But John seemed to be totally oblivious to his clothes and, as he grinned warmly at him, Geebee began to quickly feel totally at ease with him, like as if they’d been friends all their lives.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you in here,” said John.
“No, I was a wee bit early, so I thought I’d come in here for tee pass the time.”
“Me too,” said John. “Now come and join us .... we are sitting over there.” Us, we? Geebee certainly hadn’t been expecting John to be in company and, as he glanced over John’s outstretched hand, he saw nothing but a sea of faces. Bejaysus, his guts tightened up and he felt like going to the toilet. Oh no, he thought, why did he have to be such a scruffy rag and bone man and why had he drunk so much? As John pulled Geebee and his old battered suitcase through the crowd of faceless travellers, Geebee tried in vain to flatten his dishevelled hair with his free hand. My goodness, but he hadn’t even shaved that morning.
John stopped beside a little table and there, sitting behind it, were two girls. One had lovely, thick, long, straw coloured hair and the most appealing face Geebee had ever seen in his life and the other had short dark hair and a cheeky, friendly smile on her face. Geebee went bright red again and felt in even greater need of the toilet, where he’d be able to disappear behind a locked cubicle door and hide himself from the world. They all looked so prosperous, so sophisticated, so well dressed and he felt so ugly and inadequate.
“I was right, it was him,” said John cheerfully to these two beautiful women. Geebee attempted to hide behind John, vainly trying to think up some excuse for leaving. He was so afraid of stuttering that he just gave the girls a sickly grin. The dark haired girl smiled at him warmly, but the other one merely glanced at him in a bored, dismissive sort of way, before looking away. Bitch! he thought.
“Now first of all Geebee, let me introduce you to the two girls,” said John, “my friend Pauline and my sister Samantha.” Well at the precise moment that John had said this, Geebee had been putting his old battered suitcase down, so he wasn’t exactly sure which of the two girls was John’s sister, but he kind of gathered that it was the dark haired girl and although he smiled as warmly as he could at her, he more or less ignored the other snooty bitch.
“Right,” said John, “I’m just going to get you another drink Geebee.”
“Oh John,” thought Geebee, “please don’t leave me on my own with these lovely ladies, for I don’t know what to say and I’m sure they’re afraid of me, a wild looking man, a tramp with bloodshot eyes, who’s reeking of booze and stale sweat.” Geebee clumsily sat down, aware of the dark haired girl’s eyes gazing at him. He felt so unwanted and unloved. Because he couldn’t think of anything better to do, he tried to hide his old battered suitcase under the table, for he was ashamed of it, this lonely, unwanted, unloved thing, the battered and pathetic container of all his worldly possessions, his crumpled shirts that had never seen an iron, his skid-marked underpants, and his smelly socks full of holes.
“So you’re Geebee,” said the dark haired girl, “John’s told me all about you.” Told her all about him! What the hell was there to tell? Geebee wondered if they’d noticed the stains on his coat.
“Oh that’s nice,” he murmured lamely, anxiously reaching for his packet of fags which looked just like him, crumpled and battered. He felt so uncomfortable and glancing round, he wished John would come back really quickly. It’d been nice to meet him and all that, but when the next thirty minutes or so were up, John would probably be glad to see the back of him and he’d say to the girls “my God, what an oddball .... and did you see those clothes? .... I do hope that I don’t ever see him again”
Geebee offered round his battered packet of fags, but the girls refused. So he lit up one himself and disappeared into a cloud of smoke, which unfortunately made him cough and cough and, although there was phlegm in his throat and he felt like spitting it out, he couldn’t really gob it up in front of these two very sophisticated ladies, now could he?
“Here you are Geebee, another pint.” Geebee was so glad John was back. John sat down and rubbed his hands. He looked so youthful, so full of life, so energetic.
“Well Geebee, I’m looking forward to you telling me all about yourself and the rest of the family when we’ve got a little more time and it’s not so noisy.” Geebee cringed. What could he say about himself and the family that he wasn’t ashamed of and embarrassed about? Geebee went bright red again and, when he glanced around, he saw the straw haired girl looking at him in a most disapproving sort of way. Geebee thought to himself that she was just an unfriendly, stuck-up snob, whom he didn’t like one wee bit.
“By the way Geebee, where are you staying?”
“I don’t really know John,” he blurted out, “I haven’t made up me mind yit.” John gazed at him intently for a few moments, as if he was making a decision.
“Good,” he said eventually. “Now we’re waiting here for James, my business manager .... he’s going to give me some important documents and then Pauline and I are going to head off to Paris for a few days .... so if you like, you can stay at my place while we’re away .... and when I get back, me and you can get acquainted and have one hell of a good time.”
“Oh thanks,” said Geebee lamely, “that’d be nice.” He went a bit pink yet again. The dark haired girl gave him a friendly smile, but the other snobby bitch just glanced at him with a bored, disdainful look on her face. John then looked at his watch.
“I’d better go and meet James,” he said and off he went, leaving Geebee all alone again with these two beautiful women. But at least the dark haired girl tried to be friendly.
“Geebee’s an unusual name?”
“Aye, but me name’s not really Geebee .... it’s made up from me initials, G and B.”
“But why do you use your initials rather than your first name?”
“Because the G stands for Gene and I didn’t want no name leck Gene because anyone who’d hear it would think it was Jean beginning with a J and laugh at me for having a woman’s name.”
“So why don’t you use your second name instead then?”
“Because the B stands for Barker and I didn’t want none of the boys from round our wee town yappin’ at me leck a dog every time they’d see me comin’!” And that was the end of that and nobody said anything more until John reappeared a few minutes later with a tall, smartly dressed, intelligent looking man.
“This is James,” said John to Geebee who grunted and sneezed like a horse all over James. Then to make matters worse and without thinking what he was doing, Geebee drew his coat cuff across his snout to wipe away what was left of the sneeze. As for the straw haired girl, she suddenly came to life, jumped to her feet with an excited expression on her face and gave James a big kiss on the cheek. Geebee noticed how beautifully feminine she was, with lovely curves and a very sensuous figure. James put his arm around her and although Geebee didn’t like her one wee bit, he wished nevertheless that it was him who was holding her rather than that buck James. He felt a wee bit confused.
“James, let me introduce you to Geebee,” said John. James glanced at Geebee and nodded before turning back to John. Geebee felt small and unwanted again, especially when the dark haired girl rose and joined the little group leaving him on his own. But what the hell did it matter, he thought, sure in a few minutes he’d be away and that would be that and the end of the whole show. Bejaysus, he wished he’d never met any of them.
“I’m sorry Geebee,” said John, “but I’m going to have to leave you now .... we’re running to a very tight schedule .... but you go round to my place .... get settled in …. I’ll be back in a few days and then we can have a really good long chat about things.”
“All right,” said Geebee, determined that as soon as he got out of their sight, he’d go nowhere near the apartment, that he’d scarper.
“But where is it?” Geebee asked, trying to give the impression that he’d go along with John’s plan.
“Oh don’t worry about that .... Sam will take you there.” Well, the straw haired girl immediately looked aghast, which is when Geebee realised that he’d got it all wrong and that it was her, rather than the dark haired girl, who was John’s sister (and perhaps his own half-sister!). But bejaysus, was she not absolutely raging!
“You see Geebee, Sam’s not coming to Paris with us,” John continued, seemingly unaware of his sister’s extreme annoyance, “she’s only here because she gave us a lift to the station.”
Geebee glanced nervously at Sam and hoped that the apartment wasn’t too far away, because the sooner they got there, the sooner they’d be shot of each other, which he knew would suit the both of them just fine. Geebee stood up and picked up his battered suitcase as John went over to Sam and whispered instructions into her obviously very reluctant ear. Geebee gazed at her and, although she was obviously in the worst of bad humour at getting lumbered with Geebee, she still looked very sexy and provocative in her tight blue jeans and that ever so revealing blouse. Geebee felt a little sick, for he was experiencing very, very strange emotions. He wanted to spit in her eye and boot her up the arse, but he also wanted to grab her, and kiss her - very badly indeed.
Chapter 32
Well anyway, John, James and Pauline went off in one direction and Sam headed off in another, with Geebee trailing behind her like a wee dog. Geebee could tell from the snout on her that she didn’t want to speak to him and this suited him just fine, because he didn’t want to speak to her either. He could also tell from the glint in her eye that she was still angry at John and that she could hardly wait to get the job done and away from Geebee as quickly as possible, which of course suited him just great as well. However, having said that, although Geebee didn’t like her at all as a person, he couldn’t help but like her bum and so he was glad that they were not talking and that he was trailing behind her instead, because it meant that he could study every single, sexy move she made. But unfortunately she suddenly turned and caught him at it. Bejaysus, the contemptuous look she gave him was desperate. She turned on her heel, sniffed, stuck her noise in the air and strode away, with Geebee slinking along behind her, feeling just a wee bit chastened.
Then Sam suddenly stopped beside this big, silver Rolls Royce. Was this really John’s car? Aye, she was putting a key in the door. Wow, it was going be Geebee’s first ever trip in a Roller. Sam opened the driver’s door and Geebee made to go round the front of the car to get to the front passenger seat. But she opened the back door and indicated with her finger for him to get in the back. After Geebee slipped into the luxurious back seat, she got into the car and immediately switched on the radio, making it quite clear she didn’t want any conversation. Bejaysus, Geebee felt like spitting in her eye. He knew he was nothing but a rough, thick, Irish hallion, but there was no need for her to be so damned cold and rude towards him. After all, for all either of them knew, he could even be her half-brother.
But Geebee soon cheered up. My god, the seats were soft and the smell of leather so lovely and the way that motor purred along, sure it was great. Geebee began to feel excited, for this was his first taste of real wealth (and my goodness did he not like it!). He also really enjoyed it when they pulled up at some traffic lights and other drivers peered in and saw him there. What must they have thought? How could such a beautiful chauffeuse be driving such a scruffy hobo around? He must obviously be an eccentric multi-millionaire. Geebee gave one curious chap a really mysterious smile, but then realised that Sam was looking at him in the rearview mirror with a bored, contemptuous expression on her face. He went red in the gloom and felt desperately aggrieved. She was spoiling his fun!
A wee while later, Sam pulled in outside a big block of very posh looking apartments in Mayfair, and without as much as a word, she got out. Bejaysus, Geebee had to move quickly to catch up with her as she set off striding towards the main front entrance of the apartment. When they entered the building, the commissioner was so suspicious of this tramp tripping after her that he nodded his head at Geebee and asked her if everything was okay. She nodded back at him and headed for the lifts, with Geebee following her, clutching his old battered suitcase and enjoying the way her lovely thick hair bobbed and bounced with every step she took. And oh, that beautiful, firm, curvy bum.
They got into the lift and the doors closed. Sam pressed the button for the top floor penthouse apartment. Geebee was totally aware of her femininity, the smell of her perfume and her soft, enticing body. He didn’t like her as a person, but even so, he could have grabbed her there and then and happily embraced her. But he knew he couldn’t afford to do such a thing, especially at this critical moment in time when his instinct was telling him that his situation was possibly looking up, at long last. Jaysus, one minute he’d been alone and depressed, sad and defeated in the old world and now, here he was on the verge of entering a new world, a world of luxury and wealth, a new world he desperately wanted to experience more of. So he decided there and then, that when it came to Sam, he’d remain a dream world man, a look but do not touch sort of guy, that he wouldn’t attempt to lay one finger on her, or in fact, even let her suspect that he fancied her, because he sure didn’t want to get booted out on his arse before he’d even got a foot properly in through the front door. Anyway, for all he knew, she could possibly be his half-sister and therefore forbidden fruit.
The lift stopped at the top floor and the lift doors opened. It was all so different from the world he’d known, especially the one he had experienced in that grotty bedsitter in Belfast. There were no loud voices of people fighting, no crashing of battered saucepans, no smell of gas, no squalling brats, just peace, and soft, lush carpets, warmth, the smell of her perfume and the sight of her thick bobbing hair. Sam accidentally dropped the apartment door keys. Geebee was right behind her and, although he tried to stop immediately, he couldn’t prevent his knee brushing up against that lovely bum when she bent down to retrieve them. Although he was sorely tempted to touch it with his hands, he stepped back sharpish and muttered an apology. Down boy, down boy, one false move now and the dream would be over and he’d be out on his arse on that lonely street, closely followed by his old battered suitcase, which he knew would inevitably land right on the top of his head, as he lay in the gutter.
When Sam unlocked the door and they went into the apartment, Geebee could hardly believe his eyes, for he had never seen - nor imagined - such opulence before. Jaysus, the apartment was absolutely enormous and so beautifully furnished. Geebee immediately went over to the massive window to look out at the fantastic view over London. That’s when Sam spoke to him for the very first time.
“Would you like a bath?” What a lovely thought! He felt so grimy, so grubby, so stained by the world.
“That would be really nice, thank you.” She dimmed the lights to a warm glow and soft gentle soothing music soon filled the room.
“I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” Geebee trotted after her and once inside the bathroom, he locked the door and looked around. Alone at last in this huge peaceful room, full of mirrors and soft towels, with a massive round bath. More memories of that sad, lonely, little bedsitter in Belfast and the dreary communal bathroom with its belching, threatening geezer, the draughty broken window, the drab grimy walls, the bare bulb hanging overhead, the tide mark round the old chipped bath that was used by so many people. But there in John’s apartment, it was all so different, with gold taps, marbled floor, beautifully tiled walls, towels the size of bedspreads, warmth and hot towel rails. Geebee turned on the taps and the water gushed out into what seemed like a mini swimming pool. He examined all the bath salts and selected a few at random for his first ever bubble bath. Into the bath he went, right up to his neck, almost totally immersed, in bubbles and soapy suds. My goodness, it was heaven, the lovely hot water penetrating his weary bones, dissolving the grime of many months of hardship. Oh this new heaven, that it would never end!
Ages later, Geebee emerged, rubbed and scrubbed, no longer feeling drunk, but ready to face the new world. He wrapped a gigantic warm towel around him and sat on a chair, gazing at himself in a mirror. Then there was a knock on the door. He started.
“Aye?”
“Open the door.” Geebee rushed over and unlocked it. A hand holding lovely clean jeans, a shirt, a jersey and some underclothes appeared. They were all just the right size. As soon as he was dressed, Geebee made his way silently on tip toes into the large silent lounge and went over to the window to survey the scene far down below. Then Sam came in wearing a short bathrobe which revealed her lovely, shapely, tanned thighs. Her thick hair was wrapped in a towel and there were drops of water on her neck. It was then that Geebee realised that there must be at least two bathrooms in the apartment. She looked so sexy and Geebee desperately wanted to gaze at her thighs. But he could not. He didn’t want to run the risk of getting into any trouble. And anyway, she could be his half-sister.
“Now I’ll cut your hair.” Cut his hair! No woman had ever cut, or wanted to cut, his manky, dishevelled locks before. She switched on a spotlight and pulled over a chair.
“Right, sit there.” Geebee did as he was told. She stood behind him, studying the mess before her and working out a plan. Then clip, clip, clip the scissors went through his hair, which fell to the floor, leaving his body forever, to end up in a bin and then in some distant dump, a part of him gone for eternity. And he wondered what it would be like, if he could gather up all the hair that had ever been cut from his head. Would it make a pile as high as a haystack?
Sam came round in front of him and stared at his hair. Surreptitiously he glanced at her, at those lovely, blue eyes, those soft, full lips, that tanned, silky skin, those firm breasts pushing out from beneath the bathrobe, the bathrobe that could so easily have been slipped off. But he knew he had to stop thinking about such things, for she really could be his half-sister. Anyway such women were not for ‘hallions’ like him. Those lovely eyes of hers had only ever looked into the eyes of very handsome, wealthy, successful men, who’d kissed those luscious, pouting lips and caressed those lovely firm breasts and that beautiful silky skin. Geebee could almost see her in the middle of wild passion, sighing and groaning with pleasure and it made him feel ill thinking about it, because for some strange reason, he felt so terribly jealous.
Sam combed his hair in a surprisingly gentle way and, for some strange reason, he suddenly felt near to tears. Memories of going into a barber’s shop in Belfast very early one cold, wet winter’s morning, just after it had opened and, as he’d walked in, he could tell that the barber had only just sat down to drink a cup of nice hot tea and study the horses in the paper and that really, the last thing he’d wanted at that precise moment, was for a damned nuisance like Geebee to come walking in through the door. Well anyway, he’d wearily put his cup of tea down and, as he’d cut away at Geebee’s hair, he’d drivelled on about the weather and other inane subjects and, all the time he was doing this, Geebee could tell that he was just dying to get finished with him so that he could get back to his cup of tea and continue studying the horses in peace. However, just after he’d finished Geebee and taken his money, someone else just happened to come in and it looked like the tea was never going get drunk and that the paper would never get read. Geebee could see from the wee look the barber gave him as he left, that he’d somehow ruined the poor wee man’s whole day.
But there’d been other times when Geebee had done worse than that. Memories of that time, all those years before, when he was just a skitter of a cub and he’d been sidling aimlessly down the street one morning. Suddenly young Mary had appeared, clutching a letter for posting. Now because Geebee had fancied the idea of getting into her knickers and because he was so sure she fancied him, he’d stopped her for a chat and persuaded her to go for a cup of coffee. She’d agreed and, although he’d ended up spending the whole day with her and also the princely sum of four shillings and six pence on her, no he didn’t get into her knickers and yes she did forget to post that letter that would have won her father a small fortune on the football pools and made him into a fairly rich man. As for Geebee, not only did he never go out with Mary again, but he never ever even went near her home, for he knew that her father would have killed him if he’d ever been able to lay his hands on him. Aye Geebee’d spoiled more than his whole day, he’d probably spoiled the rest of his whole life.
When Sam started cutting Geebee’s hair at the front, she leaned forward towards him and rested her thighs against his and a strange feeling of excitement surged through him. Something stirred in him and he wanted so badly to put his hands around her bum and pull her down on to his lap. But he knew he couldn’t, that this beautiful angel would turn into the devil in a flash, if he dared to do such a thing. Or even if she noticed that bulge! Down boy, down!! Sam cut and clipped and as she cut and clipped away, Geebee’s new look began to emerge, a youthful look, an almost feminine sort of look. But if Sam liked it, then Geebee knew he’d like it too. But then sadly, she was finished.
“Would you like something to eat? .... steak all right?”
“Oh that’d be lovely, thank you.” But Geebee thought that he’d actually prefer to eat her. She disappeared. Steak, my goodness, when was the last time he’d had steak?
Memories of Salty’s dungeon and the Belfast bedsitter, the greasy fish and chips, the boiled eggs and those cheese sandwiches, bites of which had revolved round and round his mouth, but refused to go down. And all the times that he’d gone into shops full of goodies, determined to try something different just for once, only to leave clutching once again those faithful tins of soup, boxes of eggs and lumps of cheese.
Clink, clink, she put a large glass of vodka and ice down in front of Geebee and disappeared without a word. He realised he was being thoughtless and into the kitchen he went.
“Can I help?” he asked weakly.
“No, I’m all right”, came the curt reply. Geebee left her in peace and went back into the lounge and over to the windows again, to look out over London. Images of all the people out there who were eating their evening meals, their knives and forks going up and down, devouring animals that only a short time before had themselves been eating grass out in the peaceful country fields, away from the mad rush of the cities, minding their own business and probably enjoying their lives more than a lot of these people who were eating them now. Geebee enjoyed the sound of the ice clinking in his glass.
Sam came back into the room, carrying a plate in one hand and a bottle of red wine in the other. She put them on a table and fetched a knife and fork.
“Aren’t you having any?” Geebee asked.
“No .... I have to go out.” Geebee nodded and watched her curvy bum as she left the room. He looked down at the big, thick steak, French fries and salad, realised how hungry he was and bejaysus, did he not sit down and tuck in.
Then she reappeared wearing a lovely, flimsy black dress. Her hair was dry and very thick and she looked absolutely fabulous. Geebee’s mouth was full of steak and his cheeks were bulging with greed. Why, why, why did he have to be such a gluttonous pig just at that precise moment!
“I’m off now .... see you.” Geebee could but grunt and the front door slammed shut. He was all alone, glad but sad. Geebee wondered where she was going. To see a lover, no doubt. Once again he felt the painful pangs of jealousy
After he’d eaten his fill and then washed up and dried the dishes, he decided to do a wee tour of the apartment and, as he moved from room to room, he counted three bathrooms, two more reception rooms, a dining room and five large en-suite bedrooms, each one so different. He wondered which one was Sam’s or if she lived there at all. He noticed a spiral staircase leading to a hatch in the ceiling. He ascended the staircase and opened the hatch. Soon he was standing on top of the building, alternatively looking up at the stars and then out over London, enjoying the cool breeze through his hair, listening to the hum of the city. He wondered if the whole world went silent and you could hear nothing but the sound of sex, what sort of a strange sound would it be.
But Geebee was tired, he needed some sleep. So he dragged himself off to the bedroom that Sam had assigned to him. He dimmed the lights and undressed. Peace and silence. He suddenly felt so, so weary. He drew back the covers and slipped into that vast soft bed. He could hardly keep his eyelids open, he could almost hear himself beginning to snore. What a day it had been! One moment he’d been in the old world, now he was in the new world. He thought once more about the girl who hardly spoke to him, or smiled at him and he fell into a very deep sleep, a very, very deep, deep sleep.
Well anyway, John, James and Pauline went off in one direction and Sam headed off in another, with Geebee trailing behind her like a wee dog. Geebee could tell from the snout on her that she didn’t want to speak to him and this suited him just fine, because he didn’t want to speak to her either. He could also tell from the glint in her eye that she was still angry at John and that she could hardly wait to get the job done and away from Geebee as quickly as possible, which of course suited him just great as well. However, having said that, although Geebee didn’t like her at all as a person, he couldn’t help but like her bum and so he was glad that they were not talking and that he was trailing behind her instead, because it meant that he could study every single, sexy move she made. But unfortunately she suddenly turned and caught him at it. Bejaysus, the contemptuous look she gave him was desperate. She turned on her heel, sniffed, stuck her noise in the air and strode away, with Geebee slinking along behind her, feeling just a wee bit chastened.
Then Sam suddenly stopped beside this big, silver Rolls Royce. Was this really John’s car? Aye, she was putting a key in the door. Wow, it was going be Geebee’s first ever trip in a Roller. Sam opened the driver’s door and Geebee made to go round the front of the car to get to the front passenger seat. But she opened the back door and indicated with her finger for him to get in the back. After Geebee slipped into the luxurious back seat, she got into the car and immediately switched on the radio, making it quite clear she didn’t want any conversation. Bejaysus, Geebee felt like spitting in her eye. He knew he was nothing but a rough, thick, Irish hallion, but there was no need for her to be so damned cold and rude towards him. After all, for all either of them knew, he could even be her half-brother.
But Geebee soon cheered up. My god, the seats were soft and the smell of leather so lovely and the way that motor purred along, sure it was great. Geebee began to feel excited, for this was his first taste of real wealth (and my goodness did he not like it!). He also really enjoyed it when they pulled up at some traffic lights and other drivers peered in and saw him there. What must they have thought? How could such a beautiful chauffeuse be driving such a scruffy hobo around? He must obviously be an eccentric multi-millionaire. Geebee gave one curious chap a really mysterious smile, but then realised that Sam was looking at him in the rearview mirror with a bored, contemptuous expression on her face. He went red in the gloom and felt desperately aggrieved. She was spoiling his fun!
A wee while later, Sam pulled in outside a big block of very posh looking apartments in Mayfair, and without as much as a word, she got out. Bejaysus, Geebee had to move quickly to catch up with her as she set off striding towards the main front entrance of the apartment. When they entered the building, the commissioner was so suspicious of this tramp tripping after her that he nodded his head at Geebee and asked her if everything was okay. She nodded back at him and headed for the lifts, with Geebee following her, clutching his old battered suitcase and enjoying the way her lovely thick hair bobbed and bounced with every step she took. And oh, that beautiful, firm, curvy bum.
They got into the lift and the doors closed. Sam pressed the button for the top floor penthouse apartment. Geebee was totally aware of her femininity, the smell of her perfume and her soft, enticing body. He didn’t like her as a person, but even so, he could have grabbed her there and then and happily embraced her. But he knew he couldn’t afford to do such a thing, especially at this critical moment in time when his instinct was telling him that his situation was possibly looking up, at long last. Jaysus, one minute he’d been alone and depressed, sad and defeated in the old world and now, here he was on the verge of entering a new world, a world of luxury and wealth, a new world he desperately wanted to experience more of. So he decided there and then, that when it came to Sam, he’d remain a dream world man, a look but do not touch sort of guy, that he wouldn’t attempt to lay one finger on her, or in fact, even let her suspect that he fancied her, because he sure didn’t want to get booted out on his arse before he’d even got a foot properly in through the front door. Anyway, for all he knew, she could possibly be his half-sister and therefore forbidden fruit.
The lift stopped at the top floor and the lift doors opened. It was all so different from the world he’d known, especially the one he had experienced in that grotty bedsitter in Belfast. There were no loud voices of people fighting, no crashing of battered saucepans, no smell of gas, no squalling brats, just peace, and soft, lush carpets, warmth, the smell of her perfume and the sight of her thick bobbing hair. Sam accidentally dropped the apartment door keys. Geebee was right behind her and, although he tried to stop immediately, he couldn’t prevent his knee brushing up against that lovely bum when she bent down to retrieve them. Although he was sorely tempted to touch it with his hands, he stepped back sharpish and muttered an apology. Down boy, down boy, one false move now and the dream would be over and he’d be out on his arse on that lonely street, closely followed by his old battered suitcase, which he knew would inevitably land right on the top of his head, as he lay in the gutter.
When Sam unlocked the door and they went into the apartment, Geebee could hardly believe his eyes, for he had never seen - nor imagined - such opulence before. Jaysus, the apartment was absolutely enormous and so beautifully furnished. Geebee immediately went over to the massive window to look out at the fantastic view over London. That’s when Sam spoke to him for the very first time.
“Would you like a bath?” What a lovely thought! He felt so grimy, so grubby, so stained by the world.
“That would be really nice, thank you.” She dimmed the lights to a warm glow and soft gentle soothing music soon filled the room.
“I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” Geebee trotted after her and once inside the bathroom, he locked the door and looked around. Alone at last in this huge peaceful room, full of mirrors and soft towels, with a massive round bath. More memories of that sad, lonely, little bedsitter in Belfast and the dreary communal bathroom with its belching, threatening geezer, the draughty broken window, the drab grimy walls, the bare bulb hanging overhead, the tide mark round the old chipped bath that was used by so many people. But there in John’s apartment, it was all so different, with gold taps, marbled floor, beautifully tiled walls, towels the size of bedspreads, warmth and hot towel rails. Geebee turned on the taps and the water gushed out into what seemed like a mini swimming pool. He examined all the bath salts and selected a few at random for his first ever bubble bath. Into the bath he went, right up to his neck, almost totally immersed, in bubbles and soapy suds. My goodness, it was heaven, the lovely hot water penetrating his weary bones, dissolving the grime of many months of hardship. Oh this new heaven, that it would never end!
Ages later, Geebee emerged, rubbed and scrubbed, no longer feeling drunk, but ready to face the new world. He wrapped a gigantic warm towel around him and sat on a chair, gazing at himself in a mirror. Then there was a knock on the door. He started.
“Aye?”
“Open the door.” Geebee rushed over and unlocked it. A hand holding lovely clean jeans, a shirt, a jersey and some underclothes appeared. They were all just the right size. As soon as he was dressed, Geebee made his way silently on tip toes into the large silent lounge and went over to the window to survey the scene far down below. Then Sam came in wearing a short bathrobe which revealed her lovely, shapely, tanned thighs. Her thick hair was wrapped in a towel and there were drops of water on her neck. It was then that Geebee realised that there must be at least two bathrooms in the apartment. She looked so sexy and Geebee desperately wanted to gaze at her thighs. But he could not. He didn’t want to run the risk of getting into any trouble. And anyway, she could be his half-sister.
“Now I’ll cut your hair.” Cut his hair! No woman had ever cut, or wanted to cut, his manky, dishevelled locks before. She switched on a spotlight and pulled over a chair.
“Right, sit there.” Geebee did as he was told. She stood behind him, studying the mess before her and working out a plan. Then clip, clip, clip the scissors went through his hair, which fell to the floor, leaving his body forever, to end up in a bin and then in some distant dump, a part of him gone for eternity. And he wondered what it would be like, if he could gather up all the hair that had ever been cut from his head. Would it make a pile as high as a haystack?
Sam came round in front of him and stared at his hair. Surreptitiously he glanced at her, at those lovely, blue eyes, those soft, full lips, that tanned, silky skin, those firm breasts pushing out from beneath the bathrobe, the bathrobe that could so easily have been slipped off. But he knew he had to stop thinking about such things, for she really could be his half-sister. Anyway such women were not for ‘hallions’ like him. Those lovely eyes of hers had only ever looked into the eyes of very handsome, wealthy, successful men, who’d kissed those luscious, pouting lips and caressed those lovely firm breasts and that beautiful silky skin. Geebee could almost see her in the middle of wild passion, sighing and groaning with pleasure and it made him feel ill thinking about it, because for some strange reason, he felt so terribly jealous.
Sam combed his hair in a surprisingly gentle way and, for some strange reason, he suddenly felt near to tears. Memories of going into a barber’s shop in Belfast very early one cold, wet winter’s morning, just after it had opened and, as he’d walked in, he could tell that the barber had only just sat down to drink a cup of nice hot tea and study the horses in the paper and that really, the last thing he’d wanted at that precise moment, was for a damned nuisance like Geebee to come walking in through the door. Well anyway, he’d wearily put his cup of tea down and, as he’d cut away at Geebee’s hair, he’d drivelled on about the weather and other inane subjects and, all the time he was doing this, Geebee could tell that he was just dying to get finished with him so that he could get back to his cup of tea and continue studying the horses in peace. However, just after he’d finished Geebee and taken his money, someone else just happened to come in and it looked like the tea was never going get drunk and that the paper would never get read. Geebee could see from the wee look the barber gave him as he left, that he’d somehow ruined the poor wee man’s whole day.
But there’d been other times when Geebee had done worse than that. Memories of that time, all those years before, when he was just a skitter of a cub and he’d been sidling aimlessly down the street one morning. Suddenly young Mary had appeared, clutching a letter for posting. Now because Geebee had fancied the idea of getting into her knickers and because he was so sure she fancied him, he’d stopped her for a chat and persuaded her to go for a cup of coffee. She’d agreed and, although he’d ended up spending the whole day with her and also the princely sum of four shillings and six pence on her, no he didn’t get into her knickers and yes she did forget to post that letter that would have won her father a small fortune on the football pools and made him into a fairly rich man. As for Geebee, not only did he never go out with Mary again, but he never ever even went near her home, for he knew that her father would have killed him if he’d ever been able to lay his hands on him. Aye Geebee’d spoiled more than his whole day, he’d probably spoiled the rest of his whole life.
When Sam started cutting Geebee’s hair at the front, she leaned forward towards him and rested her thighs against his and a strange feeling of excitement surged through him. Something stirred in him and he wanted so badly to put his hands around her bum and pull her down on to his lap. But he knew he couldn’t, that this beautiful angel would turn into the devil in a flash, if he dared to do such a thing. Or even if she noticed that bulge! Down boy, down!! Sam cut and clipped and as she cut and clipped away, Geebee’s new look began to emerge, a youthful look, an almost feminine sort of look. But if Sam liked it, then Geebee knew he’d like it too. But then sadly, she was finished.
“Would you like something to eat? .... steak all right?”
“Oh that’d be lovely, thank you.” But Geebee thought that he’d actually prefer to eat her. She disappeared. Steak, my goodness, when was the last time he’d had steak?
Memories of Salty’s dungeon and the Belfast bedsitter, the greasy fish and chips, the boiled eggs and those cheese sandwiches, bites of which had revolved round and round his mouth, but refused to go down. And all the times that he’d gone into shops full of goodies, determined to try something different just for once, only to leave clutching once again those faithful tins of soup, boxes of eggs and lumps of cheese.
Clink, clink, she put a large glass of vodka and ice down in front of Geebee and disappeared without a word. He realised he was being thoughtless and into the kitchen he went.
“Can I help?” he asked weakly.
“No, I’m all right”, came the curt reply. Geebee left her in peace and went back into the lounge and over to the windows again, to look out over London. Images of all the people out there who were eating their evening meals, their knives and forks going up and down, devouring animals that only a short time before had themselves been eating grass out in the peaceful country fields, away from the mad rush of the cities, minding their own business and probably enjoying their lives more than a lot of these people who were eating them now. Geebee enjoyed the sound of the ice clinking in his glass.
Sam came back into the room, carrying a plate in one hand and a bottle of red wine in the other. She put them on a table and fetched a knife and fork.
“Aren’t you having any?” Geebee asked.
“No .... I have to go out.” Geebee nodded and watched her curvy bum as she left the room. He looked down at the big, thick steak, French fries and salad, realised how hungry he was and bejaysus, did he not sit down and tuck in.
Then she reappeared wearing a lovely, flimsy black dress. Her hair was dry and very thick and she looked absolutely fabulous. Geebee’s mouth was full of steak and his cheeks were bulging with greed. Why, why, why did he have to be such a gluttonous pig just at that precise moment!
“I’m off now .... see you.” Geebee could but grunt and the front door slammed shut. He was all alone, glad but sad. Geebee wondered where she was going. To see a lover, no doubt. Once again he felt the painful pangs of jealousy
After he’d eaten his fill and then washed up and dried the dishes, he decided to do a wee tour of the apartment and, as he moved from room to room, he counted three bathrooms, two more reception rooms, a dining room and five large en-suite bedrooms, each one so different. He wondered which one was Sam’s or if she lived there at all. He noticed a spiral staircase leading to a hatch in the ceiling. He ascended the staircase and opened the hatch. Soon he was standing on top of the building, alternatively looking up at the stars and then out over London, enjoying the cool breeze through his hair, listening to the hum of the city. He wondered if the whole world went silent and you could hear nothing but the sound of sex, what sort of a strange sound would it be.
But Geebee was tired, he needed some sleep. So he dragged himself off to the bedroom that Sam had assigned to him. He dimmed the lights and undressed. Peace and silence. He suddenly felt so, so weary. He drew back the covers and slipped into that vast soft bed. He could hardly keep his eyelids open, he could almost hear himself beginning to snore. What a day it had been! One moment he’d been in the old world, now he was in the new world. He thought once more about the girl who hardly spoke to him, or smiled at him and he fell into a very deep sleep, a very, very deep, deep sleep.
Chapter 33
When Geebee awoke the next morning in the new world, he felt happy and alive for the first time in a long time. Jaysus, he was raring to go and so he hopped out of bed, went over to the door, opened it and listened out for any noise that might indicate if there was anyone else in the apartment. However, there was complete silence. So as he hadn’t heard Sam return, he assumed that he was still on his own and he struck up a mad, merry tune as he headed off for the kitchen to get a drink, stark naked and with his arms and knees swinging high. But he didn’t get too far, for Sam suddenly appeared from nowhere and stared at him. Geebee instantly went red and turned to flee. But as he did, he thought he glimpsed a little grin upon her face.
Sam didn’t speak much to Geebee over breakfast, just the odd obligatory word or two about whether he’d slept okay and that sort of thing. But he was growing used to that and didn’t mind too much. There were of course so many things he wanted to ask her, like what John did for a living and whether she lived there all the time and whether she had been with her lover the night before and if she thought he was just a rough, ignorant Irish peasant and other wee things like that. However, he decided such questions would only irritate her and so he remained silent. But she did let Geebee help her wash up and as he stood behind her with his dish cloth, he enjoyed the way her lithe body rippled through her dress. Although she still wouldn’t really talk to him, he didn’t mind. For he just loved being near her.
“I have to get you some new clothes.” she eventually said. A good idea thought Geebee, but easier said than done. Just this small problem over the necessary readies to hand over to the man. He could just see it as clear as day, the shop man carefully wrapping up all the gear, with a smile upon his face and chatting away merrily to him about this and that and then sticking out his hand for the readies and Geebee saying “I’ll pay you later my dear fellow”, and the smile immediately leaving the shop man’s face and then him showing Geebee to the door and telling him in a very loud voice not to come back, thereby making it crystal clear to anyone else who was listening, that he really wasn’t keen on dealing with people who had no readies nor credit cards upon their person. But when Geebee hesitantly mentioned this wee problem of having no readies, Sam immediately disappeared and returned with a big wad of notes which she put down in front of him. When he tried to protest, she snapped at him not to argue, that she was only carrying out John’s wishes and that if he didn’t want the money, he’d have to take it up with John.
Now Geebee didn’t want her ‘ating’ the face off him, so he said thanks and took the money, before beating a hasty retreat to the toilet to gather his thoughts and think about things in peace. As he sat in there, memories floated through his mind, memories of his drab wee Belfast bedsitter, right beneath the toilet upstairs, and his having to listen to the people upstairs, plop, plop, plopping all night long and then when he’d wake up in the morning, having to listen to the people plop, plop plopping and, all during the day, while others were fighting or making love, cooking or singing, with their children playing or screaming, people just kept on plop, plop, plopping.
Then there was that old bachelor Stan, who lived a sad lonely life in his wee bedsitter and who used to spend every night listening to his brass band records. He fell in love with the nice young secretary Sarah from out of town, who smiled at him and said hello and who lived in the room bedside the toilet. But Stan was so afraid of going to the toilet in case she’d hear him doing his business that he used to shite in brown paper bags and then go out at the dead of night and deposit these brown paper bags in waste paper bins up and down the road. But one curious street cleaner got the ‘quare’ shitty surprise one day when he stuck his hand into one of these bags to see what was in it. Man, he swore that if he ever got a hold of the ‘dirty bastard’, he would make him ‘ate’ his own shite. Then, one day, he did actually manage to catch Stan in the act and there was an awful commotion. Soon everyone was gossiping about Stan in the house and not only did Sarah stop talking to him, but she moved away. So he went back to living a sad lonely life in his wee bedsitter, spending every night listening to his brass band records.
Later on Sam and Geebee drove to a place called ‘Benny’s’ in John’s ‘E’ Type Jaguar. Geebee felt really happy for several reasons. First of all, because the ‘E’ Type Jaguar was a two seater, Sam wasn’t able to relegate him to any back seat and so he was therefore able to sit beside her. But not only that, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and the car top was down. As Geebee basked in the warmth of the day, he felt like a real big shot. But when they arrived at ‘Benny’s’, he soon came down to earth. Sam jumped out of the car and headed for this really trendy expensive looking boutique. Geebee trailed after her and, as he went through the door of the boutique, his head began to spin and he started to go red, for he was sure those very smart, self-confident looking boutique staff were looking down their noses at him.
Then a really mature looking, trendily well-dressed man of around 40 appeared and threw his arms around Sam, kissing her affectionately on the cheek, welcoming her, asking her how she was, telling her a little joke which made her laugh, which was something Geebee hadn’t heard before, but which he loved. While this was going on, Geebee stood in the background, not knowing quite where to look, his face a blazing inferno, feeling totally out of place. He had never been in a boutique before because he’d always been far too ashamed of his rags to venture into such smart places. In fact, he’d always been far too embarrassed to even stop and look in any boutique shop window for fear of people seeing him and wondering, with a sneer upon their faces, what the hell that rag and bone man thought he was doing looking in that window.
“Now what can I do for you my dear?” Sam looked round at Geebee.
“I would like some clothes for Geebee please, Benny .... he’s a friend of John’s.” Benny glanced at Geebee in a rather disdainful, unfriendly sort of way and Geebee could see from the look on his face that he thought Geebee was a loser, a nonentity and a persona non-grata, who was just lowering the tone of his fancy establishment. Benny then looked back at Sam with a “did I hear you correctly when you said this creature here is a friend of John’s” expression on his face.
“What sort of things would he like?” asked Benny. Sam turned to Geebee.
“What sort of things would you like? …. take your pick, anything at all.” Geebee became even more confused and his face went redder, which gave the message that what he’d really like, would be for him and Sam to leave that place right away!
“He obviously can’t make up his mind,” said Sam, “so I’ll help him.” Geebee looked at her beautiful face and, although he was sure he was wrong, he did think for one split second that he caught a fleeting flicker of compassion on her face.
“You can leave us to it now, Benny,” she said, “we’ll take our time .... have a good look round.”
Well Sam left no stone unturned. Suits, shirts, jeans, trousers, shoes, underwear and piles and piles of other garments were pulled out and examined at great length. Many times Geebee was sent to change for her inspection and, although she was damned hard to please, she was eventually satisfied and Benny was called over. Bejaysus, Benny’s eyes positively glowed when he noticed the amount of clothes being bought and, as he wrapped them all up, Geebee, the new man, felt so good with all his new gear. Then, when all the wrapping was done and payment made, they went to the front door. Benny gave Sam a final kiss and tapped her on the bum.
“Give me a call sometime,” he said winking, “and I’ll take you out for dinner.” Geebee felt like saying “get your hands off her bum or I shall bite them off you!”
“Just one more errand …. then I’ll take you to my cottage in the country,” said Sam when they got into the car and zoomed off down the road.
Shortly afterwards they pulled up outside a fancy grocery shop and Sam got out. However, just as she was about to enter the shop, a lovely looking girl called out to her. Sam smiled and waited for the girl to come across to her. Geebee sat in the car, while they embraced, kissed each other on the cheeks and exchanged greetings.
“What are you doing this afternoon?” asked the lovely girl, “because if you’ve nothing planned, we’re all going on Julian’s boat down the Thames .... and then later, we’re going to have dinner at Pergio’s .... and after that, we’re going on to a party in Richmond .... it’s going to be a marvellous day .... oh please say you’ll come .... they’d all love to see you.” Sam shook her head.
“I’d love to,” replied Sam, “but I’ve got to look after my cousin here until John gets back from Paris.”
“Bring him along too,” said the lovely girl, “I’m sure he’d enjoy himself.” Sam shook her head again.
“I don’t think so.”
Geebee instantly felt really awkward. So she HAD to look after him until John returned. Memories of John whispering into her ear at Euston Station made him feel so sad, for once again it reminded him of the fact that Sam was nothing but a very reluctant but faithful sister, obeying her brother’s instructions, doing him a favour no matter how inconvenient it might be. Geebee felt he was only a nuisance to her, that she’d be glad when John got back and she’d be finally able to escape from Geebee and get back to doing all the things that she wanted to do. And he was sure that when she’d see John again, she’d say “don’t you ever dare to lumber me with someone like him again …. I’ve never had such a boring time in all my life!” Geebee wasn’t even introduced to Sam’s lovely friend.
When Geebee awoke the next morning in the new world, he felt happy and alive for the first time in a long time. Jaysus, he was raring to go and so he hopped out of bed, went over to the door, opened it and listened out for any noise that might indicate if there was anyone else in the apartment. However, there was complete silence. So as he hadn’t heard Sam return, he assumed that he was still on his own and he struck up a mad, merry tune as he headed off for the kitchen to get a drink, stark naked and with his arms and knees swinging high. But he didn’t get too far, for Sam suddenly appeared from nowhere and stared at him. Geebee instantly went red and turned to flee. But as he did, he thought he glimpsed a little grin upon her face.
Sam didn’t speak much to Geebee over breakfast, just the odd obligatory word or two about whether he’d slept okay and that sort of thing. But he was growing used to that and didn’t mind too much. There were of course so many things he wanted to ask her, like what John did for a living and whether she lived there all the time and whether she had been with her lover the night before and if she thought he was just a rough, ignorant Irish peasant and other wee things like that. However, he decided such questions would only irritate her and so he remained silent. But she did let Geebee help her wash up and as he stood behind her with his dish cloth, he enjoyed the way her lithe body rippled through her dress. Although she still wouldn’t really talk to him, he didn’t mind. For he just loved being near her.
“I have to get you some new clothes.” she eventually said. A good idea thought Geebee, but easier said than done. Just this small problem over the necessary readies to hand over to the man. He could just see it as clear as day, the shop man carefully wrapping up all the gear, with a smile upon his face and chatting away merrily to him about this and that and then sticking out his hand for the readies and Geebee saying “I’ll pay you later my dear fellow”, and the smile immediately leaving the shop man’s face and then him showing Geebee to the door and telling him in a very loud voice not to come back, thereby making it crystal clear to anyone else who was listening, that he really wasn’t keen on dealing with people who had no readies nor credit cards upon their person. But when Geebee hesitantly mentioned this wee problem of having no readies, Sam immediately disappeared and returned with a big wad of notes which she put down in front of him. When he tried to protest, she snapped at him not to argue, that she was only carrying out John’s wishes and that if he didn’t want the money, he’d have to take it up with John.
Now Geebee didn’t want her ‘ating’ the face off him, so he said thanks and took the money, before beating a hasty retreat to the toilet to gather his thoughts and think about things in peace. As he sat in there, memories floated through his mind, memories of his drab wee Belfast bedsitter, right beneath the toilet upstairs, and his having to listen to the people upstairs, plop, plop, plopping all night long and then when he’d wake up in the morning, having to listen to the people plop, plop plopping and, all during the day, while others were fighting or making love, cooking or singing, with their children playing or screaming, people just kept on plop, plop, plopping.
Then there was that old bachelor Stan, who lived a sad lonely life in his wee bedsitter and who used to spend every night listening to his brass band records. He fell in love with the nice young secretary Sarah from out of town, who smiled at him and said hello and who lived in the room bedside the toilet. But Stan was so afraid of going to the toilet in case she’d hear him doing his business that he used to shite in brown paper bags and then go out at the dead of night and deposit these brown paper bags in waste paper bins up and down the road. But one curious street cleaner got the ‘quare’ shitty surprise one day when he stuck his hand into one of these bags to see what was in it. Man, he swore that if he ever got a hold of the ‘dirty bastard’, he would make him ‘ate’ his own shite. Then, one day, he did actually manage to catch Stan in the act and there was an awful commotion. Soon everyone was gossiping about Stan in the house and not only did Sarah stop talking to him, but she moved away. So he went back to living a sad lonely life in his wee bedsitter, spending every night listening to his brass band records.
Later on Sam and Geebee drove to a place called ‘Benny’s’ in John’s ‘E’ Type Jaguar. Geebee felt really happy for several reasons. First of all, because the ‘E’ Type Jaguar was a two seater, Sam wasn’t able to relegate him to any back seat and so he was therefore able to sit beside her. But not only that, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and the car top was down. As Geebee basked in the warmth of the day, he felt like a real big shot. But when they arrived at ‘Benny’s’, he soon came down to earth. Sam jumped out of the car and headed for this really trendy expensive looking boutique. Geebee trailed after her and, as he went through the door of the boutique, his head began to spin and he started to go red, for he was sure those very smart, self-confident looking boutique staff were looking down their noses at him.
Then a really mature looking, trendily well-dressed man of around 40 appeared and threw his arms around Sam, kissing her affectionately on the cheek, welcoming her, asking her how she was, telling her a little joke which made her laugh, which was something Geebee hadn’t heard before, but which he loved. While this was going on, Geebee stood in the background, not knowing quite where to look, his face a blazing inferno, feeling totally out of place. He had never been in a boutique before because he’d always been far too ashamed of his rags to venture into such smart places. In fact, he’d always been far too embarrassed to even stop and look in any boutique shop window for fear of people seeing him and wondering, with a sneer upon their faces, what the hell that rag and bone man thought he was doing looking in that window.
“Now what can I do for you my dear?” Sam looked round at Geebee.
“I would like some clothes for Geebee please, Benny .... he’s a friend of John’s.” Benny glanced at Geebee in a rather disdainful, unfriendly sort of way and Geebee could see from the look on his face that he thought Geebee was a loser, a nonentity and a persona non-grata, who was just lowering the tone of his fancy establishment. Benny then looked back at Sam with a “did I hear you correctly when you said this creature here is a friend of John’s” expression on his face.
“What sort of things would he like?” asked Benny. Sam turned to Geebee.
“What sort of things would you like? …. take your pick, anything at all.” Geebee became even more confused and his face went redder, which gave the message that what he’d really like, would be for him and Sam to leave that place right away!
“He obviously can’t make up his mind,” said Sam, “so I’ll help him.” Geebee looked at her beautiful face and, although he was sure he was wrong, he did think for one split second that he caught a fleeting flicker of compassion on her face.
“You can leave us to it now, Benny,” she said, “we’ll take our time .... have a good look round.”
Well Sam left no stone unturned. Suits, shirts, jeans, trousers, shoes, underwear and piles and piles of other garments were pulled out and examined at great length. Many times Geebee was sent to change for her inspection and, although she was damned hard to please, she was eventually satisfied and Benny was called over. Bejaysus, Benny’s eyes positively glowed when he noticed the amount of clothes being bought and, as he wrapped them all up, Geebee, the new man, felt so good with all his new gear. Then, when all the wrapping was done and payment made, they went to the front door. Benny gave Sam a final kiss and tapped her on the bum.
“Give me a call sometime,” he said winking, “and I’ll take you out for dinner.” Geebee felt like saying “get your hands off her bum or I shall bite them off you!”
“Just one more errand …. then I’ll take you to my cottage in the country,” said Sam when they got into the car and zoomed off down the road.
Shortly afterwards they pulled up outside a fancy grocery shop and Sam got out. However, just as she was about to enter the shop, a lovely looking girl called out to her. Sam smiled and waited for the girl to come across to her. Geebee sat in the car, while they embraced, kissed each other on the cheeks and exchanged greetings.
“What are you doing this afternoon?” asked the lovely girl, “because if you’ve nothing planned, we’re all going on Julian’s boat down the Thames .... and then later, we’re going to have dinner at Pergio’s .... and after that, we’re going on to a party in Richmond .... it’s going to be a marvellous day .... oh please say you’ll come .... they’d all love to see you.” Sam shook her head.
“I’d love to,” replied Sam, “but I’ve got to look after my cousin here until John gets back from Paris.”
“Bring him along too,” said the lovely girl, “I’m sure he’d enjoy himself.” Sam shook her head again.
“I don’t think so.”
Geebee instantly felt really awkward. So she HAD to look after him until John returned. Memories of John whispering into her ear at Euston Station made him feel so sad, for once again it reminded him of the fact that Sam was nothing but a very reluctant but faithful sister, obeying her brother’s instructions, doing him a favour no matter how inconvenient it might be. Geebee felt he was only a nuisance to her, that she’d be glad when John got back and she’d be finally able to escape from Geebee and get back to doing all the things that she wanted to do. And he was sure that when she’d see John again, she’d say “don’t you ever dare to lumber me with someone like him again …. I’ve never had such a boring time in all my life!” Geebee wasn’t even introduced to Sam’s lovely friend.
Chapter 34
Sam drove Geebee to her beautiful little place in the country and when they got there, she left him on his own while she went away to her study to write some letters and deal with long-overdue business matters. Geebee wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he just mooched about in the sitting room, flicking through the magazines and books that were there. But then his eyes fell upon this beautiful Steinway piano at the other side of the room. It instantly brought back memories of the old piano in the church hall in our wee town, the old piano which he’d often played and which had given him so many long hours of enjoyment before they’d taken it away and smashed it up. Bejaysus, Geebee couldn’t resist and so he lifted the lid and pressed a key. Then another and then a few in a row. But then he heard her feet, tap, tapping down the corridor and he thought “oh shite, it’s time for another good owl ballocking.” But he was wrong, for she’d only come to get her address book.
“Do you play?” she asked. Geebee nodded.
“Well play something nice .... something soothing.” He sat down and flexed his rusty fingers - for it had been quite some time since he’d last played a note - and he started to play ‘The Londonderry Ayre’ with as much feeling as he could muster. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her nod as she left the room to go back to her study.
Geebee was so happy sitting there, playing this wonderful piano. Although at the start, he hit the odd wrong note from time to time, he soon got into the swing of it and it wasn’t long until the cottage was reverberating with all the well-known tunes he thought she might like. But when eventually he couldn’t think of any more, he slipped in a few of his own sad compositions. As he played, he imagined her in her study, sitting in a chair, with her long blond hair and her eyes of blue, looking so beautiful, writing her letters and it inspired him to play even better. While the music flowed, it began to dawn on him that although Sam was remote and distant towards him, he just loved having her around because of the extraordinary calming effect that she seemed to have on him. In fact, it had dawned on him, that whenever she was near him, all the mad, wild ‘divils’ that were usually in his soul seemed to disappear completely.
Geebee was miles away, concentrating on yet another new tune, when Sam suddenly came into the room. He had hoped that she would compliment him or show some favourable reaction. But there was nothing. He immediately became despondent and no longer felt like playing. So he stopped and got up from the stool. She looked up, alarmed.
“Oh don’t stop now,” she said, “it’s lovely, it really is.”
Geebee looked at her. It was the first time she had really communicated with him and, for some strange reason, he felt near to tears. He hesitated. Then she smiled. Sam had had so many lovers, admirers and friends and she had smiled a million times, but that very first smile, that smile just for him, was worth far more than any other thing she had ever given to anyone. Geebee smiled back and shyly sat down again at the piano. He felt bolder and he played nothing but his own tunes, composed off the top of his head. She sat in the chair, closed her eyes and listened to the heavenly music of this wild ‘hallion’ from our wee town.
At the end of the day, they drove in silence back into London and as soon as they entered John’s apartment, she said that because she was tired and because she had to go away very early in the morning, she was going off to bed. So she said goodnight and went away to her room. Geebee felt sad and lonely and, as there didn’t seem to be anything better to do, he had a soothing bath and went to bed himself, even though it was only ten o’clock.
Sometime later, Geebee heard the door to his bedroom being opened. So he turned on the bedside light to see who it was and there she was, standing in the doorway, with nothing on but a towel. Geebee was immediately confused until suddenly she was standing there naked, beside the bed.
One moment Geebee had been half-asleep, the next he was wide awake and alert. He could hardly breathe from excitement and could scarcely believe his eyes. He stared at her with open mouth, totally amazed, disbelieving, still not quite sure what was going on. She walked naked over to one of the mirrors and drew her fingers through her hair. Geebee stared at her firm, curvy, suntanned body. Then she turned and smiled at him like no other woman had ever smiled at him before.
Sam came over and Geebee put his arms around her and gently pulled her to him. Although he was sure that all her previous boy friends had been far better lovers than he could ever be, he didn’t care, he just wanted to hold her near to him. She looked into his eyes and he kissed her, feeling his mouth rolling over her soft full lips. He clung on to her, never wanting to let her go. Strange feelings ran through him, feelings of love as well as passion. He looked at her face and saw a strange, wild, expression covering it and he could see that she really desired him. But he could hardly believe it when she got into the bed beside him.
There followed seemingly hours of writhing around in passion, with full blooded kisses and hands and fingers everywhere, caressing, pinching, scratching, exploring, fondling, her legs around his back, then her on top, going berserk up and down, her wailing sighs and groans, her flowing juices, her heat, her silky skin, her long magical fingers, her eager mouth, her flickering tongue, her love.
Sam fell asleep in Geebee’s arms, her straw hair drifting across his chest. Geebee listened to her breathing and the beat of her heart. His eyelids felt heavy and deep, relaxing, soothing sleep began to cloud his mind. He kissed her gently on the cheek with the sort of tenderness that the old Geebee had never shown to any woman and as he sank into the gentle valley of peaceful slumber, Geebee knew that he was hopelessly in love with her, his dear, darling Sam.
But later, when he awoke with a start, he realised that it had all been just an utterly fantastic dream. He felt so sad, and yet so glad that it hadn’t happened. After all, it was more than probable that Sam actually was his half-sister. But he did feel very, very strange indeed.
Sam drove Geebee to her beautiful little place in the country and when they got there, she left him on his own while she went away to her study to write some letters and deal with long-overdue business matters. Geebee wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he just mooched about in the sitting room, flicking through the magazines and books that were there. But then his eyes fell upon this beautiful Steinway piano at the other side of the room. It instantly brought back memories of the old piano in the church hall in our wee town, the old piano which he’d often played and which had given him so many long hours of enjoyment before they’d taken it away and smashed it up. Bejaysus, Geebee couldn’t resist and so he lifted the lid and pressed a key. Then another and then a few in a row. But then he heard her feet, tap, tapping down the corridor and he thought “oh shite, it’s time for another good owl ballocking.” But he was wrong, for she’d only come to get her address book.
“Do you play?” she asked. Geebee nodded.
“Well play something nice .... something soothing.” He sat down and flexed his rusty fingers - for it had been quite some time since he’d last played a note - and he started to play ‘The Londonderry Ayre’ with as much feeling as he could muster. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her nod as she left the room to go back to her study.
Geebee was so happy sitting there, playing this wonderful piano. Although at the start, he hit the odd wrong note from time to time, he soon got into the swing of it and it wasn’t long until the cottage was reverberating with all the well-known tunes he thought she might like. But when eventually he couldn’t think of any more, he slipped in a few of his own sad compositions. As he played, he imagined her in her study, sitting in a chair, with her long blond hair and her eyes of blue, looking so beautiful, writing her letters and it inspired him to play even better. While the music flowed, it began to dawn on him that although Sam was remote and distant towards him, he just loved having her around because of the extraordinary calming effect that she seemed to have on him. In fact, it had dawned on him, that whenever she was near him, all the mad, wild ‘divils’ that were usually in his soul seemed to disappear completely.
Geebee was miles away, concentrating on yet another new tune, when Sam suddenly came into the room. He had hoped that she would compliment him or show some favourable reaction. But there was nothing. He immediately became despondent and no longer felt like playing. So he stopped and got up from the stool. She looked up, alarmed.
“Oh don’t stop now,” she said, “it’s lovely, it really is.”
Geebee looked at her. It was the first time she had really communicated with him and, for some strange reason, he felt near to tears. He hesitated. Then she smiled. Sam had had so many lovers, admirers and friends and she had smiled a million times, but that very first smile, that smile just for him, was worth far more than any other thing she had ever given to anyone. Geebee smiled back and shyly sat down again at the piano. He felt bolder and he played nothing but his own tunes, composed off the top of his head. She sat in the chair, closed her eyes and listened to the heavenly music of this wild ‘hallion’ from our wee town.
At the end of the day, they drove in silence back into London and as soon as they entered John’s apartment, she said that because she was tired and because she had to go away very early in the morning, she was going off to bed. So she said goodnight and went away to her room. Geebee felt sad and lonely and, as there didn’t seem to be anything better to do, he had a soothing bath and went to bed himself, even though it was only ten o’clock.
Sometime later, Geebee heard the door to his bedroom being opened. So he turned on the bedside light to see who it was and there she was, standing in the doorway, with nothing on but a towel. Geebee was immediately confused until suddenly she was standing there naked, beside the bed.
One moment Geebee had been half-asleep, the next he was wide awake and alert. He could hardly breathe from excitement and could scarcely believe his eyes. He stared at her with open mouth, totally amazed, disbelieving, still not quite sure what was going on. She walked naked over to one of the mirrors and drew her fingers through her hair. Geebee stared at her firm, curvy, suntanned body. Then she turned and smiled at him like no other woman had ever smiled at him before.
Sam came over and Geebee put his arms around her and gently pulled her to him. Although he was sure that all her previous boy friends had been far better lovers than he could ever be, he didn’t care, he just wanted to hold her near to him. She looked into his eyes and he kissed her, feeling his mouth rolling over her soft full lips. He clung on to her, never wanting to let her go. Strange feelings ran through him, feelings of love as well as passion. He looked at her face and saw a strange, wild, expression covering it and he could see that she really desired him. But he could hardly believe it when she got into the bed beside him.
There followed seemingly hours of writhing around in passion, with full blooded kisses and hands and fingers everywhere, caressing, pinching, scratching, exploring, fondling, her legs around his back, then her on top, going berserk up and down, her wailing sighs and groans, her flowing juices, her heat, her silky skin, her long magical fingers, her eager mouth, her flickering tongue, her love.
Sam fell asleep in Geebee’s arms, her straw hair drifting across his chest. Geebee listened to her breathing and the beat of her heart. His eyelids felt heavy and deep, relaxing, soothing sleep began to cloud his mind. He kissed her gently on the cheek with the sort of tenderness that the old Geebee had never shown to any woman and as he sank into the gentle valley of peaceful slumber, Geebee knew that he was hopelessly in love with her, his dear, darling Sam.
But later, when he awoke with a start, he realised that it had all been just an utterly fantastic dream. He felt so sad, and yet so glad that it hadn’t happened. After all, it was more than probable that Sam actually was his half-sister. But he did feel very, very strange indeed.
Chapter 35
When Geebee woke up the next morning, he heard someone moving around the apartment and assumed it was Sam. Because of the dream he’d had the night before, he felt a little guilty and wasn’t quite sure how he was going be able to look her in the eye. However, when he left his bedroom and went into the kitchen, he discovered that the person he’d heard moving around was not Sam but John. Geebee instantly felt a wee bit shy for it was the first time he’d met John when sober. But it wasn’t long until they were chattering away and Geebee couldn’t believe how well they were getting on together. He felt so totally relaxed in John’s company and could tell from the way John was reacting that he’d taken an instant shine to him as well. Geebee told John all about his family and life back home and he loved it when John leaned back in his chair and roared with laughter at his tales about Maud and Thomas and all the other ‘eegits’ in our wee town. Geebee of course would have liked to have asked John a lot of questions about uncle Edward, his business affairs and so on, but somehow it was too nice a morning for any serious talk and so they just laughed and joked and enjoyed themselves.
Then suddenly Geebee heard the kitchen door open. His heart leapt for he was sure it was Sam and he felt himself pinkening, because he was confused, unsure what to do or where to look. But it wasn’t Sam but a beautiful blonde, Scandinavian looking girl, wearing a black maid’s outfit, with a short skirt, fishnet tights and black thigh-length boots. Geebee had never before seen a woman oozing so much sex appeal and he found it hard not to gawk open-mouthed at this fabulous creature.
“Meet Zeenia, Geebee .... she’s my ‘au pair’ and she’s just got back from holiday.” Geebee looked at her and nodded shyly. She gave him a big smile. John put his arm around her waist and rocked her gently. She leant over and kissed him warmly on the cheek. As she bent over, Geebee couldn’t stop himself looking up her skirt, at her red silk knickers, her curvy thighs and neat, firm bottom.
“Give Geebee a kiss too,” said John mischievously. She didn’t hesitate and round the table she came, emitting waves of sexiness with every step, weaving a web of lust that was sucking Geebee in. As she approached him, she looked so irresistible, clean and bright and she smelt so nice. Her hair was gleaming, her skin so creamy and she had the most gorgeous dark brown eyes he had ever seen. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek with her full soft lips. Geebee melted.
“Oh give him a real kiss,” said John in mock disgust at such a ‘feeble’ effort. She gave John a cheeky grin and, with an “okay, if that’s what you want, I’m going to really show you” sort of look on her face, she sat on Geebee’s lap, put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately on the mouth. Then she stood up, tapped Geebee on the nose with her finger, turned and waltzed out of the room, smiling all the way. John laughed, fit to bust.
“She’s your ‘au pair’?” asked Geebee, incredulously.
“Yes, and a very good one at that .... she looks after the apartment, keeps out of my way at the right times .... doesn’t cramp my style .... and at the same time, she’s very thoughtful and considerate .... she’s the dream ‘au pair’.” Geebee gazed at him with envious eyes. John seemed to have everything. Not only was he seemingly very rich, but he had the striking good looks to match, the perfect combination.
As they continued chatting and laughing, Geebee couldn’t help wondering yet again if uncle Edward was his father and John his half-brother, because, if so, he might possibly inherit enough from Edward’s estate to afford to live the sort of life that John lived, the sort of life he now definitely had a taste for. However, although the thought of this excited him, it also made him feel very sad, for he realised that if Edward really was his father, then all his dreams concerning Sam would be shattered. Geebee decided there and then that one way or another, he was going to have to find out the truth. He also made up his mind to behave himself, because he really did not want John and Sam to go off him and kick him out of the new world on his arse and back into the dreary old world.
Later on John told Geebee that he’d take him out to show him the sights and down in the lift they went to the garages in the basement, where Geebee got to see John’s cars, all six of them - two Rolls Royces, the ‘E’ Type Jaguar, a Lamborghini, a Ferrari and a Porsche.
They got into one of the Rollers and Geebee enjoyed the sound of the doors clunking shut so beautifully. John turned on the radio and started up. They glided out of the garage and into the city traffic.
“Fancy a drink? .... there’s some in the drinks cabinet.”
Geebee thought to himself ‘I don’t mind if I do, thank you’. The cabinet was full of booze and even ice. Geebee took a good shot of vodka and filled the glass with ice. Ah, to be in the new world, driving along, listening to the music on the radio, enjoying the sun, looking at all the lovely girls and all the wondrous sights along the way. Then, just as he began thinking about Sam and wondering where she was, John suddenly spoke.
“What do you think of my sister Sam? …. she’s nice isn’t she!” Geebee didn’t hesitate.
“She certainly is, I like her a lot,” he replied enthusiastically, “I was hoping to see her this morning to thank her for yesterday …. but she’d obviously left the apartment by the time I got up.”
“Yes”, said John, “at this very moment, her and Martin are probably winging their way across the Atlantic to America.”
“Martin?”
“Yes, you’d have met him yesterday if he hadn’t been so busy sorting out arrangements for their trip today .... normally Sam and him are inseparable.” Pangs of jealousy hit Geebee yet again.
As they drove along the streets of London in John’s magnificent car on this fine day, it reminded Geebee of that time when he got a lift with that old ‘ballocks’ Freddy, who was that small a wee man that he had to look through the spokes of the steering wheel to see the road ahead. As they drove along that day, Freddy kept looking at Geebee and mumbling and muttering away about God knows what. Well Geebee was that scared that although he didn’t hear one word Freddy was saying, he just kept nodding and saying ‘aye’ and, when he could get a word in edgeways, he talked excitedly about the cars in front in the vague forlorn hope Freddy might possibly take the odd wee look at them instead of at him.
Now although Freddy was driving very slowly, it wasn’t much of a consolation to Geebee because for the most of the time he was on the wrong side of the road or heading for a tree or something like that. Jaysus, Geebee was that scared stiff, he was sure he was for the white sheet that day. Then Freddy went and crashed into some old doll’s car. However, because Freddy had only been doing about three miles an hour and the other car was parked, damn the much damage was done to either vehicle. But that didn’t stop the old doll going clean mad. Man, she called Freddy for all the useless ‘whoers’ that ever were and threatened to call the cops. Jaysus, poor wee Freddy wilted under this unrelenting and ferocious attack.
But to cut a long story and a lot of bad language short, she eventually simmered down and Freddy agreed to pay for the damage himself, because although he’d been driving for over 40 years, he’d apparently never heard about car insurance before. Then Freddy and Geebee got back into the car and Freddy started up. Well my goodness, but if he didn’t drive straight back into the owl doll’s car again, full tilt this time. Jaysus it was a ‘terra’. However, although Geebee felt sort of sorry for old Freddy, the wee man ‘wasnee’ fit tee drive and Geebee’s nerves was that bad, he ‘wasnee’ fit tee drive with him. So Geebee left the two of them to sort it out and the last thing he saw as he went round the corner was the old doll shouting and screaming and fucking and damning, with her hands tight round Freddy’s wee throat, and man, his wee eyes were bulging right out of his wee head.
But to get back to the story, John showed Geebee all the usual tourist attractions and at one point, after they’d got out and had a wee walk about, John slid into the passenger seat when they returned to the car.
“You drive Geebee.” Geebee went round to the driver’s side and got into the driver’s seat, feeling desperately nervous. This wasn’t a bit like the sort of battered old wrecks he was used to driving. However, after he’d switched on and anxiously pulled away, it wasn’t long until he was really enjoying himself. What a fantastic car, so smooth, so quiet, so big, and so much a part of Geebee’s beautiful new world.
As they drove along, Geebee overtook a lady on a bicycle who reminded him of Margery, the ‘praycher’s’ wife, whom he’d known vaguely when he was just sweet sixteen. Jaysus, she was a long skinny, stringy sexless 40 year old woman with a long snout and brass rimmed, double-glazed glasses, who spent all her time farting about the district on her bicycle annoying people with her religious bull-shite. Then there came that day when Geebee went into the church hall, because he’d just seen Susie’s big tits and decided his boy was in dire need of a relieving massage. And there he’d been in the shadows pulling his pecker, when suddenly he became aware of Margery standing at the door looking at him with a strange expression on her face. His prick went down as quick as a ton of lead and he wondered what he should do or say. But she sort of took him aback because she locked the door, came over to him and before he knew what was what, she had her tongue halfway down his throat and her hands halfway down his trousers. The next thing he knew they were on the floor going at it ding dong with his ding-a-ling and she was so passionate, she almost bit lumps out of him. Then, after it was over, she said she was very, very sorry, but she hadn’t been able to stop herself. But he could tell from the look on her face that it would never happen again. In fact, she never ever spoke to him again and just went back to farting about the district on her old bicycle, annoying people with her religious bull-shite.
When Geebee woke up the next morning, he heard someone moving around the apartment and assumed it was Sam. Because of the dream he’d had the night before, he felt a little guilty and wasn’t quite sure how he was going be able to look her in the eye. However, when he left his bedroom and went into the kitchen, he discovered that the person he’d heard moving around was not Sam but John. Geebee instantly felt a wee bit shy for it was the first time he’d met John when sober. But it wasn’t long until they were chattering away and Geebee couldn’t believe how well they were getting on together. He felt so totally relaxed in John’s company and could tell from the way John was reacting that he’d taken an instant shine to him as well. Geebee told John all about his family and life back home and he loved it when John leaned back in his chair and roared with laughter at his tales about Maud and Thomas and all the other ‘eegits’ in our wee town. Geebee of course would have liked to have asked John a lot of questions about uncle Edward, his business affairs and so on, but somehow it was too nice a morning for any serious talk and so they just laughed and joked and enjoyed themselves.
Then suddenly Geebee heard the kitchen door open. His heart leapt for he was sure it was Sam and he felt himself pinkening, because he was confused, unsure what to do or where to look. But it wasn’t Sam but a beautiful blonde, Scandinavian looking girl, wearing a black maid’s outfit, with a short skirt, fishnet tights and black thigh-length boots. Geebee had never before seen a woman oozing so much sex appeal and he found it hard not to gawk open-mouthed at this fabulous creature.
“Meet Zeenia, Geebee .... she’s my ‘au pair’ and she’s just got back from holiday.” Geebee looked at her and nodded shyly. She gave him a big smile. John put his arm around her waist and rocked her gently. She leant over and kissed him warmly on the cheek. As she bent over, Geebee couldn’t stop himself looking up her skirt, at her red silk knickers, her curvy thighs and neat, firm bottom.
“Give Geebee a kiss too,” said John mischievously. She didn’t hesitate and round the table she came, emitting waves of sexiness with every step, weaving a web of lust that was sucking Geebee in. As she approached him, she looked so irresistible, clean and bright and she smelt so nice. Her hair was gleaming, her skin so creamy and she had the most gorgeous dark brown eyes he had ever seen. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek with her full soft lips. Geebee melted.
“Oh give him a real kiss,” said John in mock disgust at such a ‘feeble’ effort. She gave John a cheeky grin and, with an “okay, if that’s what you want, I’m going to really show you” sort of look on her face, she sat on Geebee’s lap, put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately on the mouth. Then she stood up, tapped Geebee on the nose with her finger, turned and waltzed out of the room, smiling all the way. John laughed, fit to bust.
“She’s your ‘au pair’?” asked Geebee, incredulously.
“Yes, and a very good one at that .... she looks after the apartment, keeps out of my way at the right times .... doesn’t cramp my style .... and at the same time, she’s very thoughtful and considerate .... she’s the dream ‘au pair’.” Geebee gazed at him with envious eyes. John seemed to have everything. Not only was he seemingly very rich, but he had the striking good looks to match, the perfect combination.
As they continued chatting and laughing, Geebee couldn’t help wondering yet again if uncle Edward was his father and John his half-brother, because, if so, he might possibly inherit enough from Edward’s estate to afford to live the sort of life that John lived, the sort of life he now definitely had a taste for. However, although the thought of this excited him, it also made him feel very sad, for he realised that if Edward really was his father, then all his dreams concerning Sam would be shattered. Geebee decided there and then that one way or another, he was going to have to find out the truth. He also made up his mind to behave himself, because he really did not want John and Sam to go off him and kick him out of the new world on his arse and back into the dreary old world.
Later on John told Geebee that he’d take him out to show him the sights and down in the lift they went to the garages in the basement, where Geebee got to see John’s cars, all six of them - two Rolls Royces, the ‘E’ Type Jaguar, a Lamborghini, a Ferrari and a Porsche.
They got into one of the Rollers and Geebee enjoyed the sound of the doors clunking shut so beautifully. John turned on the radio and started up. They glided out of the garage and into the city traffic.
“Fancy a drink? .... there’s some in the drinks cabinet.”
Geebee thought to himself ‘I don’t mind if I do, thank you’. The cabinet was full of booze and even ice. Geebee took a good shot of vodka and filled the glass with ice. Ah, to be in the new world, driving along, listening to the music on the radio, enjoying the sun, looking at all the lovely girls and all the wondrous sights along the way. Then, just as he began thinking about Sam and wondering where she was, John suddenly spoke.
“What do you think of my sister Sam? …. she’s nice isn’t she!” Geebee didn’t hesitate.
“She certainly is, I like her a lot,” he replied enthusiastically, “I was hoping to see her this morning to thank her for yesterday …. but she’d obviously left the apartment by the time I got up.”
“Yes”, said John, “at this very moment, her and Martin are probably winging their way across the Atlantic to America.”
“Martin?”
“Yes, you’d have met him yesterday if he hadn’t been so busy sorting out arrangements for their trip today .... normally Sam and him are inseparable.” Pangs of jealousy hit Geebee yet again.
As they drove along the streets of London in John’s magnificent car on this fine day, it reminded Geebee of that time when he got a lift with that old ‘ballocks’ Freddy, who was that small a wee man that he had to look through the spokes of the steering wheel to see the road ahead. As they drove along that day, Freddy kept looking at Geebee and mumbling and muttering away about God knows what. Well Geebee was that scared that although he didn’t hear one word Freddy was saying, he just kept nodding and saying ‘aye’ and, when he could get a word in edgeways, he talked excitedly about the cars in front in the vague forlorn hope Freddy might possibly take the odd wee look at them instead of at him.
Now although Freddy was driving very slowly, it wasn’t much of a consolation to Geebee because for the most of the time he was on the wrong side of the road or heading for a tree or something like that. Jaysus, Geebee was that scared stiff, he was sure he was for the white sheet that day. Then Freddy went and crashed into some old doll’s car. However, because Freddy had only been doing about three miles an hour and the other car was parked, damn the much damage was done to either vehicle. But that didn’t stop the old doll going clean mad. Man, she called Freddy for all the useless ‘whoers’ that ever were and threatened to call the cops. Jaysus, poor wee Freddy wilted under this unrelenting and ferocious attack.
But to cut a long story and a lot of bad language short, she eventually simmered down and Freddy agreed to pay for the damage himself, because although he’d been driving for over 40 years, he’d apparently never heard about car insurance before. Then Freddy and Geebee got back into the car and Freddy started up. Well my goodness, but if he didn’t drive straight back into the owl doll’s car again, full tilt this time. Jaysus it was a ‘terra’. However, although Geebee felt sort of sorry for old Freddy, the wee man ‘wasnee’ fit tee drive and Geebee’s nerves was that bad, he ‘wasnee’ fit tee drive with him. So Geebee left the two of them to sort it out and the last thing he saw as he went round the corner was the old doll shouting and screaming and fucking and damning, with her hands tight round Freddy’s wee throat, and man, his wee eyes were bulging right out of his wee head.
But to get back to the story, John showed Geebee all the usual tourist attractions and at one point, after they’d got out and had a wee walk about, John slid into the passenger seat when they returned to the car.
“You drive Geebee.” Geebee went round to the driver’s side and got into the driver’s seat, feeling desperately nervous. This wasn’t a bit like the sort of battered old wrecks he was used to driving. However, after he’d switched on and anxiously pulled away, it wasn’t long until he was really enjoying himself. What a fantastic car, so smooth, so quiet, so big, and so much a part of Geebee’s beautiful new world.
As they drove along, Geebee overtook a lady on a bicycle who reminded him of Margery, the ‘praycher’s’ wife, whom he’d known vaguely when he was just sweet sixteen. Jaysus, she was a long skinny, stringy sexless 40 year old woman with a long snout and brass rimmed, double-glazed glasses, who spent all her time farting about the district on her bicycle annoying people with her religious bull-shite. Then there came that day when Geebee went into the church hall, because he’d just seen Susie’s big tits and decided his boy was in dire need of a relieving massage. And there he’d been in the shadows pulling his pecker, when suddenly he became aware of Margery standing at the door looking at him with a strange expression on her face. His prick went down as quick as a ton of lead and he wondered what he should do or say. But she sort of took him aback because she locked the door, came over to him and before he knew what was what, she had her tongue halfway down his throat and her hands halfway down his trousers. The next thing he knew they were on the floor going at it ding dong with his ding-a-ling and she was so passionate, she almost bit lumps out of him. Then, after it was over, she said she was very, very sorry, but she hadn’t been able to stop herself. But he could tell from the look on her face that it would never happen again. In fact, she never ever spoke to him again and just went back to farting about the district on her old bicycle, annoying people with her religious bull-shite.
Chapter 36
Later on, John told Geebee that he was going out to the stag do of a friend called Julian that night and he invited Geebee to accompany him. Geebee of course said yes. John went on to explain that everyone was going to meet up at Julian’s apartment near Regent’s Park at around nine pm and then, after a few drinks there, the plan was to move on to a night club in the West End, where they intended to party until dawn. It all sounded great to Geebee. So away home they went to get changed and have something to eat and drink. But they got such a taste for the booze that by the time they arrived outside Julian’s apartment in a taxi, they were already as pissed as brewery rats. Bejaysus, they were both in great form, chattering away to each other and joking and laughing fit to bust, seemingly without a care in the world. But then suddenly Geebee sensed tragedy in the air and some strange words floated through his mind: “what’s that sad, sad sound, is it up in the air, or down the ground, I wish I knew, but it can’t be found, but it’s somewhere here, swirling round and round.”
The party was in full swing when they got inside the luxurious penthouse apartment, which overlooked the beautiful, peaceful Regent’s Park on one side and a fairly busy London road on the other. All the rooms were full of exuberant young men, boozing, popping pills, smoking pot, singing, shouting and doing crazy things. It seemed so odd to Geebee that there were no women there, until he remembered that it was a stag night. Well as soon as these young men saw John, an ear-splitting cheer went up and John disappeared under a mass of back-thumping, hearty ex-public schoolboys, like he was a rugby ball in the middle of a scrum. Geebee of course didn’t know anybody, so he got himself a large drink and moved away from this swaying, laughing mob to stand in a corner in the main room and watch the madness unfold.
Suddenly there was a hooting of laughter and when Geebee looked over the shoulders of the mob of swaying men, he saw a rubber woman on the floor. An incredible cheer went up when Julian mounted her. Bejaysus, they wrapped the rubber woman’s legs around his bare bum and shouted and roared as he grunted and groaned and heaved away. But the ‘eegit’ was smoking a long cigar and the glowing tip of this cigar touched the rubber woman’s tit and she disappeared with a fart. Julian ended up with his face on the carpet. My goodness, the ceiling of the apartment nearly lifted off with the explosion of laughter that followed. When Julian eventually stood up, with the cigar splattered all about his face, they all clapped him on the back, before getting stuck back into the booze, the pills and joints and more swaying and swinging, and a good deal of singing, and babbling and cheering and shouting.
Geebee went to get another drink and as he was struggling through the jostling crowd, he met John coming the other way. When John muttered something about rubber women being no damned use, Geebee noticed a strange, mischievous smile on his drunken face and he instinctively knew that John was up to something.
Some time later, the doorbell rang urgently several times and, because the racket and commotion was so loud, Geebee was sure that it just had to be an angry neighbour or even the the police. However, when someone opened the front door, Geebee was surprised to see about ten women - obviously high class call girls - in black leather, thigh-length boots, tight blouses and other similarily enticing clothes. Geebee remembered John’s mischievous smile and his muttering about rubber women. This sexy band of women headed straight for the front room and, when they entered, there was a stunned silence, followed by an almighty cheer.
Geebee went for a slash and when he returned to the big front room, there were bare bums and writhing buttocks everywhere, with all those men and women going at it hammer and tongs. It was an incredible spectacle, the first orgy he had ever witnessed. But it was becoming so hot in the apartment and the air was so heavy with tobacco smoke and the smell of drugs that it crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should open a few windows. But someone else seemed to have got the same idea at exactly the same time and Geebee watched gratefully as this young man opened the French windows. It was so lovely when the cool breeze hit the room. Geebee made to give the young man a wave of thanks. However, the young man didn’t notice him because he was too busy staggering out on to the little balcony overlooking the street below. Next thing the young man leaned over the balcony and then, incredibly, he disappeared over the edge of it. But nobody except Geebee noticed this and the babbling and laughing continued unabated.
For the first time in his life Geebee realised that the soles of his feet and the palms of his hands could sweat from fear. He fought his way through the mob to the French windows and, looking out over the balcony, he saw the crumpled shattered shape of the young man lying in a bloody mess far below. He noticed a group of people quickly gathering, looking alternatively at the body and then up towards the balcony. Tragedy had indeed been in the air.
“Somebody’s fallen out of the window!!!” Geebee heard myself frantically screaming. But there was so much noise, he couldn’t make himself heard over the din and, those few who did hear a wee bit of what he was shouting, didn’t pay any attention to him because they assumed he was as drunk as a bag and was just ‘raving’. Geebee suddenly became desperate, for he knew from past experience that trouble would soon be on the way and that he and John were going to have to get out of there really quickly or they’d get caught up in it all. So Geebee fought his way through the throng to John.
“Come on John, we’ve got to get out of here!” Geebee shouted anxiously in his ear, “someone’s fallen over the balcony and the police will be here in next to no time.” Stupid, drunken eyes revolved in John’s head and he pushed Geebee away.
“Police! Police!” he said jokingly in a slurred voice as he put up his fists and staggered about, “let them come, I’ll soon sort them out.” Geebee grabbed him by the arm, but John playfully pushed him away.
“Don’t worry Geebee, everything’s going to be all right.”
Geebee suddenly had visions of the police arriving and everyone being hauled down to the nick to answer a whole load of very awkward questions about the bloke falling to his death, the call girls and, of course, the drugs. There’d be droves of journalists, photographers and TV people, all eagerly gathering information and pictures about the scandal that would inevitably be such big news in the morning. So Geebee just knew that one way or another he was going to have to get John away, for he knew that if he didn’t, he and John could end up behind bars and John wouldn’t thank him for that in the morning. But Geebee realised that because John was so drunk, persuasion was definitely not going to work and that therefore, something drastic was going to have to be done.
Geebee charged at John and knocked him flying towards the door leading to the hallway and, as John went stumbling backwards, he took a few of the other drunks with him. If the situation hadn’t been so desperate, Geebee would have laughed at the sight of those drunken men falling head over heels all over the place. Geebee then jumped over the fallen protesting bodies and manhandled a stunned John nearer the door. But those drunken men didn’t remain on the floor for long and Geebee could see from the way they were looking at him that they sure didn’t like their good friend John being manhandled by this stranger. An angry buzz arose around the room. As Geebee heaved John away through the door and out into the corridor, the both of them were grunting, Geebee from effort and John from pain. Then the angry mob came to get Geebee.
Just as Geebee got John to the top of the stairs leading down to the front door of the apartment, he felt the hands of the baying mob grabbing at him. Geebee could hear the sound of police sirens away in the distance and he knew that the bobbies were on their way. So he literally dropped John down the stairs and, as he turned to face his drunken, seething pursuers, he could hear John bumping and bouncing down the stairs like a sack of potatoes to the front door, which was lying open. The men grabbed out at Geebee, but he was so frightened and desperately determined to get John away that he went berserk and seemed to develop the strength of ten men. So, screaming his head off like a lunatic, Geebee punched and kicked at those swarming men and bejaysus, but if they didn’t back off, obviously stunned by the ferocity of this wild mad man.
Meanwhile John was groaning at the bottom of the stairs, half in the door and half out. So Geebee rushed down and pulled him out into the corridor, propped him up against the lift door and pressed the lift button. Then he heard a clattering sound behind him and, looking round, he saw the drunken men pouring down the stairs towards him with murder and vengeance in their eyes. But the man leading the mob tripped and the ones behind him all fell in a heap on top of him. This gave Geebee the few vital seconds he needed to crash the front door of the apartment shut and as he clung on like grim death to the knocker to keep the door shut, he could hear the angry, slurred mutterings of the mob through the door as they pulled and heaved from the other side.
To get a better grip, Geebee put one hand through the letter box to help him hang on. But he was rapidly becoming exhausted and they were beginning to win. But still that lift would not come! John then got to his feet and held his head in his hands. Geebee prayed he would not start getting in the way. Next thing someone on the other side of the door started battering away frantically at Geebee’s fingers and the pain was excruciating. But Geebee realised that he just had to ignore the pain and hang on, because he knew that if those wild men got him, the pain he would experience would be a great deal worse. They were so crazed and mad on drink and drugs, they’d probably batter him into a pulp if they got a hold of him.
Despite the mob’s drunkenness and Geebee’s strength of ten men, the blokes on the other side of the door were beginning to win the battle and the door began to open inch by inch. But suddenly the lift was there and its doors opened. Geebee let go of the front door of the apartment and there was a huge cry as all the men inside fell backwards in a heap. The lift doors were beginning to shut so Geebee charged and once again John went flying, into the lift, with Geebee right behind him like a second skin. Just before the lift doors shut, there was enough time for one last glimpse of the murderous mad faces of the gang who wanted so badly to make mincemeat out of Geebee.
Geebee decided to press the button for the first floor because he was afraid the police might be milling around on the ground floor and he didn’t want to sail straight into their arms, when the lift doors opened. There was silence, apart from a soft hum as the lift rapidly whirred them down towards freedom. Then the doors opened and thankfully there was nobody there. Geebee got John up on to his feet and dragged him out and then, as casually as possible, he manoeuvred him down the stairs towards the front door and freedom. Luckily there were no cops around yet, but the police sirens were getting so loud that Geebee knew they were very, very close. Geebee knew they had only seconds to get away. So he hauled John out through the front door and into the cool night air.
There were lots people around outside and Geebee felt they were staring and pointing at them. Next thing police cars screeched to a halt, but Geebee managed to drag John around the corner and away down the road they went, with Geebee looking over his shoulder all the way, expecting the boys in blue to catch them at any moment and put them into a Black Maria and then later into a cold damp cell, where they would spend the night. But then Geebee spied a taxi and luckily it stopped. The two of them piled in and away they went, away from the hub-bub, the milling spectators and the swarms of police, who would soon be stopping all their party chums and detaining them all as they tried to flee. And soon they were out on to the Marylebone Road and down towards Mayfair. Then down a quiet street and home. Though they were bloodied, black and blue, they were two very relieved young men when they shut the door of the apartment behind them that night. As they sat by the big window looking out over London, John began to sober up quite rapidly and he soon made it very clear to Geebee how really grateful he was to him for all he’d done for him that night. Geebee felt really good.
Later on, John told Geebee that he was going out to the stag do of a friend called Julian that night and he invited Geebee to accompany him. Geebee of course said yes. John went on to explain that everyone was going to meet up at Julian’s apartment near Regent’s Park at around nine pm and then, after a few drinks there, the plan was to move on to a night club in the West End, where they intended to party until dawn. It all sounded great to Geebee. So away home they went to get changed and have something to eat and drink. But they got such a taste for the booze that by the time they arrived outside Julian’s apartment in a taxi, they were already as pissed as brewery rats. Bejaysus, they were both in great form, chattering away to each other and joking and laughing fit to bust, seemingly without a care in the world. But then suddenly Geebee sensed tragedy in the air and some strange words floated through his mind: “what’s that sad, sad sound, is it up in the air, or down the ground, I wish I knew, but it can’t be found, but it’s somewhere here, swirling round and round.”
The party was in full swing when they got inside the luxurious penthouse apartment, which overlooked the beautiful, peaceful Regent’s Park on one side and a fairly busy London road on the other. All the rooms were full of exuberant young men, boozing, popping pills, smoking pot, singing, shouting and doing crazy things. It seemed so odd to Geebee that there were no women there, until he remembered that it was a stag night. Well as soon as these young men saw John, an ear-splitting cheer went up and John disappeared under a mass of back-thumping, hearty ex-public schoolboys, like he was a rugby ball in the middle of a scrum. Geebee of course didn’t know anybody, so he got himself a large drink and moved away from this swaying, laughing mob to stand in a corner in the main room and watch the madness unfold.
Suddenly there was a hooting of laughter and when Geebee looked over the shoulders of the mob of swaying men, he saw a rubber woman on the floor. An incredible cheer went up when Julian mounted her. Bejaysus, they wrapped the rubber woman’s legs around his bare bum and shouted and roared as he grunted and groaned and heaved away. But the ‘eegit’ was smoking a long cigar and the glowing tip of this cigar touched the rubber woman’s tit and she disappeared with a fart. Julian ended up with his face on the carpet. My goodness, the ceiling of the apartment nearly lifted off with the explosion of laughter that followed. When Julian eventually stood up, with the cigar splattered all about his face, they all clapped him on the back, before getting stuck back into the booze, the pills and joints and more swaying and swinging, and a good deal of singing, and babbling and cheering and shouting.
Geebee went to get another drink and as he was struggling through the jostling crowd, he met John coming the other way. When John muttered something about rubber women being no damned use, Geebee noticed a strange, mischievous smile on his drunken face and he instinctively knew that John was up to something.
Some time later, the doorbell rang urgently several times and, because the racket and commotion was so loud, Geebee was sure that it just had to be an angry neighbour or even the the police. However, when someone opened the front door, Geebee was surprised to see about ten women - obviously high class call girls - in black leather, thigh-length boots, tight blouses and other similarily enticing clothes. Geebee remembered John’s mischievous smile and his muttering about rubber women. This sexy band of women headed straight for the front room and, when they entered, there was a stunned silence, followed by an almighty cheer.
Geebee went for a slash and when he returned to the big front room, there were bare bums and writhing buttocks everywhere, with all those men and women going at it hammer and tongs. It was an incredible spectacle, the first orgy he had ever witnessed. But it was becoming so hot in the apartment and the air was so heavy with tobacco smoke and the smell of drugs that it crossed Geebee’s mind that maybe he should open a few windows. But someone else seemed to have got the same idea at exactly the same time and Geebee watched gratefully as this young man opened the French windows. It was so lovely when the cool breeze hit the room. Geebee made to give the young man a wave of thanks. However, the young man didn’t notice him because he was too busy staggering out on to the little balcony overlooking the street below. Next thing the young man leaned over the balcony and then, incredibly, he disappeared over the edge of it. But nobody except Geebee noticed this and the babbling and laughing continued unabated.
For the first time in his life Geebee realised that the soles of his feet and the palms of his hands could sweat from fear. He fought his way through the mob to the French windows and, looking out over the balcony, he saw the crumpled shattered shape of the young man lying in a bloody mess far below. He noticed a group of people quickly gathering, looking alternatively at the body and then up towards the balcony. Tragedy had indeed been in the air.
“Somebody’s fallen out of the window!!!” Geebee heard myself frantically screaming. But there was so much noise, he couldn’t make himself heard over the din and, those few who did hear a wee bit of what he was shouting, didn’t pay any attention to him because they assumed he was as drunk as a bag and was just ‘raving’. Geebee suddenly became desperate, for he knew from past experience that trouble would soon be on the way and that he and John were going to have to get out of there really quickly or they’d get caught up in it all. So Geebee fought his way through the throng to John.
“Come on John, we’ve got to get out of here!” Geebee shouted anxiously in his ear, “someone’s fallen over the balcony and the police will be here in next to no time.” Stupid, drunken eyes revolved in John’s head and he pushed Geebee away.
“Police! Police!” he said jokingly in a slurred voice as he put up his fists and staggered about, “let them come, I’ll soon sort them out.” Geebee grabbed him by the arm, but John playfully pushed him away.
“Don’t worry Geebee, everything’s going to be all right.”
Geebee suddenly had visions of the police arriving and everyone being hauled down to the nick to answer a whole load of very awkward questions about the bloke falling to his death, the call girls and, of course, the drugs. There’d be droves of journalists, photographers and TV people, all eagerly gathering information and pictures about the scandal that would inevitably be such big news in the morning. So Geebee just knew that one way or another he was going to have to get John away, for he knew that if he didn’t, he and John could end up behind bars and John wouldn’t thank him for that in the morning. But Geebee realised that because John was so drunk, persuasion was definitely not going to work and that therefore, something drastic was going to have to be done.
Geebee charged at John and knocked him flying towards the door leading to the hallway and, as John went stumbling backwards, he took a few of the other drunks with him. If the situation hadn’t been so desperate, Geebee would have laughed at the sight of those drunken men falling head over heels all over the place. Geebee then jumped over the fallen protesting bodies and manhandled a stunned John nearer the door. But those drunken men didn’t remain on the floor for long and Geebee could see from the way they were looking at him that they sure didn’t like their good friend John being manhandled by this stranger. An angry buzz arose around the room. As Geebee heaved John away through the door and out into the corridor, the both of them were grunting, Geebee from effort and John from pain. Then the angry mob came to get Geebee.
Just as Geebee got John to the top of the stairs leading down to the front door of the apartment, he felt the hands of the baying mob grabbing at him. Geebee could hear the sound of police sirens away in the distance and he knew that the bobbies were on their way. So he literally dropped John down the stairs and, as he turned to face his drunken, seething pursuers, he could hear John bumping and bouncing down the stairs like a sack of potatoes to the front door, which was lying open. The men grabbed out at Geebee, but he was so frightened and desperately determined to get John away that he went berserk and seemed to develop the strength of ten men. So, screaming his head off like a lunatic, Geebee punched and kicked at those swarming men and bejaysus, but if they didn’t back off, obviously stunned by the ferocity of this wild mad man.
Meanwhile John was groaning at the bottom of the stairs, half in the door and half out. So Geebee rushed down and pulled him out into the corridor, propped him up against the lift door and pressed the lift button. Then he heard a clattering sound behind him and, looking round, he saw the drunken men pouring down the stairs towards him with murder and vengeance in their eyes. But the man leading the mob tripped and the ones behind him all fell in a heap on top of him. This gave Geebee the few vital seconds he needed to crash the front door of the apartment shut and as he clung on like grim death to the knocker to keep the door shut, he could hear the angry, slurred mutterings of the mob through the door as they pulled and heaved from the other side.
To get a better grip, Geebee put one hand through the letter box to help him hang on. But he was rapidly becoming exhausted and they were beginning to win. But still that lift would not come! John then got to his feet and held his head in his hands. Geebee prayed he would not start getting in the way. Next thing someone on the other side of the door started battering away frantically at Geebee’s fingers and the pain was excruciating. But Geebee realised that he just had to ignore the pain and hang on, because he knew that if those wild men got him, the pain he would experience would be a great deal worse. They were so crazed and mad on drink and drugs, they’d probably batter him into a pulp if they got a hold of him.
Despite the mob’s drunkenness and Geebee’s strength of ten men, the blokes on the other side of the door were beginning to win the battle and the door began to open inch by inch. But suddenly the lift was there and its doors opened. Geebee let go of the front door of the apartment and there was a huge cry as all the men inside fell backwards in a heap. The lift doors were beginning to shut so Geebee charged and once again John went flying, into the lift, with Geebee right behind him like a second skin. Just before the lift doors shut, there was enough time for one last glimpse of the murderous mad faces of the gang who wanted so badly to make mincemeat out of Geebee.
Geebee decided to press the button for the first floor because he was afraid the police might be milling around on the ground floor and he didn’t want to sail straight into their arms, when the lift doors opened. There was silence, apart from a soft hum as the lift rapidly whirred them down towards freedom. Then the doors opened and thankfully there was nobody there. Geebee got John up on to his feet and dragged him out and then, as casually as possible, he manoeuvred him down the stairs towards the front door and freedom. Luckily there were no cops around yet, but the police sirens were getting so loud that Geebee knew they were very, very close. Geebee knew they had only seconds to get away. So he hauled John out through the front door and into the cool night air.
There were lots people around outside and Geebee felt they were staring and pointing at them. Next thing police cars screeched to a halt, but Geebee managed to drag John around the corner and away down the road they went, with Geebee looking over his shoulder all the way, expecting the boys in blue to catch them at any moment and put them into a Black Maria and then later into a cold damp cell, where they would spend the night. But then Geebee spied a taxi and luckily it stopped. The two of them piled in and away they went, away from the hub-bub, the milling spectators and the swarms of police, who would soon be stopping all their party chums and detaining them all as they tried to flee. And soon they were out on to the Marylebone Road and down towards Mayfair. Then down a quiet street and home. Though they were bloodied, black and blue, they were two very relieved young men when they shut the door of the apartment behind them that night. As they sat by the big window looking out over London, John began to sober up quite rapidly and he soon made it very clear to Geebee how really grateful he was to him for all he’d done for him that night. Geebee felt really good.
Chapter 37
Geebee didn’t get lying in the next morning, for John was up at the crack of dawn and into Geebee’s room to get him up out of bed.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “the police will be sniffing around all over the place about that bloke falling out of the window at the party .... and no doubt they’ll be very keen to get answers to some very awkward questions .... so it’s only matter of time until somebody mentions my name and they come round here looking for me …. so I’ve decided to disappear for a few days, until the heat dies down .... I thought I’d go down to my estate in the country .... would you like to come?” Geebee immediately said yes and in next to no time they were out on the road and on their way in the ‘E’ type Jag, with the top down and the wind in their hair, enjoying the sun as they winged along, music on.
About two hours later, they at last arrived at John’s estate. Geebee could hardly believe how large it was. It seemed to stretch far and wide in all directions for hundreds of acres and, when they drove through the main gates, it was almost as if they were leaving England and entering a totally different country, a whole new world. There were hills and thousands of beautiful trees with deer running through them, as well friendly looking cows contentedly chewing on the rich green grass. It just seemed to go on and on and on.
Then the mansion suddenly appeared into view as they rounded a sweeping bend. Geebee gazed at the fantastic architecture of the magnificent old building, totally in awe. It was in fact more like a castle, awesomely large and silhouetted against the deep blue sky, with seemingly hundreds of windows and chimneys. It all looked very historical but yet in immaculate condition, clean, warm looking, friendly and inviting. In front of the mansion was a great long lawn, sloping down towards a small lake, surrounded by trees and beyond the lake were more hills and peaceful forests. In the middle of the lawn was a large fountain, spraying out clear cool water into the lovely warm air and, apart from the splashing of the water and the singing of birds, there were no other sounds, just beautiful peace. They got out of the car and Geebee looked down at the lake. He felt instantly attracted to it and wanted to go down there to sit in the sun, watch the clucking waterfowl and listen to the lap, lap, lapping of the cool water. However, John began to crunch his way over the gravel towards the mansion, so Geebee followed him. The stately building seemed so silent and empty that Geebee began to wonder if there was anybody there at all. But then suddenly the big front door opened. Geebee expected to see a butler, but instead two lovely girls appeared, wearing long, silky maroon dresses and with lovely friendly smiles all over their faces.
“The servants,” said John with a grin. The girls ran towards him and embraced him warmly and affectionately.
“John!” cried a voice from the mansion. Geebee glanced round and, for a split second, his heart rose into his mouth, for he was sure it was Sam. But even though she bore a strong resemblance to her, it was not her but someone smaller and younger. She came running down towards John shrieking with delight. John opened his arms and she jumped up at him, kissing him all over his face, clinging on to him, bubbling with love and life, asking him question after question.
“Whoa, hold on,” John protested warmly, “first things first …. let me introduce you to Geebee, your cousin from Ireland.” She turned from John and smiled at Geebee. John did not have to tell Geebee who she was. The familiar eyes, the soft lips, the beautiful figure clad in tight blue jeans and a colourful jersey, she was what Sam must have looked like when she was sweet sixteen, John’s wee sister.
“This is Jane, my little sister,” John said proudly. Geebee shook her soft hand and she shyly said “hello”.
“Now run along and tell James that we are here,” said John. She hugged and kissed him once more and obediently ran up to the house to look for James. John turned to talk to the other two girls for a few moments while Geebee surveyed the beautiful peaceful scenery. Then Jane reappeared.
“I’ve told James,” she said, hitting John again like a tornado, arms around him, pulling him, hugging, tugging and kissing him, tickling him, laughing, bubbling over, so pleased to see him again. Although this sisterly love seemed so beautiful to Geebee, it made him feel more than a little sad and envious, for when he’d been young lad, nobody had ever pulled, hugged, tugged and kissed him and all he’d ever got were black sullen looks and kicks up the arse.
Geebee stared at John’s bemused face and smiled. John listened intently and tenderly to every word she said as they walked arm in arm towards the mansion and Geebee understood why so many women loved him. It was not just the good looks but also the warm and kind way he treated them. Geebee felt an arm through his and turning, he looked into the girl’s big green eyes.
“I’m Terrie,” she murmured, “John’s asked me to look after you.” Geebee stared into her eyes and at her long dark red hair. Then, after taking another long lingering look at the lovely lake, silent hills and forests, he walked, arm in arm with Terrie, up into the mansion.
Terrie showed Geebee to his room. It was huge and bright, with a king-size bed and mirrors and lovely paintings all around the walls. He was very pleased to see that it was situated at the front of the house and looked out towards the lovely, peaceful lake and the distant hills. After he’d rested a while with a glass of red wine, Terrie showed him round this incredible mansion. It had 21 bedrooms (each with its own bathroom); 7 reception rooms (each with a different view of the estate); two massive kitchens and two huge dining rooms; two large well stocked bars; a spacious ballroom; a gymnasium and squash court; indoor and outdoor heated swimming pools; a cinema; a small but intimate theatre; a sauna and massage parlour with a Jacuzzi; a large conservatory and most interestingly, a recording studio. Although there were so many rooms, each had been decorated differently and, though no two were the same, every one appealed in some way.
Then Terrie showed him around the grounds. At the back of the mansion were the stables full of John’s horses snorting in their boxes and, further away and hidden by the trees, was a large thriving farm, full of grunting pigs and clucking hens.
“Do you like fishing?” asked Terrie. Geebee nodded and she pointed at a river, a few hundred yards away.
“Well, there’s trout in there …. and if you want to catch coarse fish you can catch them over there in the big pond .... John has the river and the pond stocked up regularly and they’re both absolutely bursting with fish.”
“And what’s that over there?” Geebee asked as they approached what seemed like a runway and a huge hanger.
“The strip has two functions …. John uses it as a runway for planes .... he also uses it as a racetrack for his cars.” She took Geebee inside the hanger and showed him all the old battered stock-cars and bright new dragsters.
“I don’t like to watch because it makes me nervous, but John comes here with his cronies and they have races,” said Terrie. Geebee smelt the petrol and oil as he stared at the massive, silent engines and his heart began to pound, for his instinct told him that it probably wouldn’t be too long until he’d be in one of these powerful machines, driving at full tilt.
But then Terrie was called away, so Geebee headed back to the place that had interested him the most, the recording studio. It was crammed full of all sorts of instruments and what seemed to be very sophisticated recording equipment. Geebee couldn’t resist sitting down at the grand piano and, for the first time ever, he played and sang the beautiful, sad, melancholic new song that had been floating around in his head ever since that wonderful day he’d had at Sam’s cottage.
Geebee of course thought that he was on his own. But when he’d finished playing and singing the song, he suddenly became aware of a young man slowly approaching him. The young man introduced himself as Matt. Geebee immediately felt embarrassed, but Matt congratulated him on how lovely his song was and persuaded Geebee to play it again so that he could record it. Then when the recording was done, Matt immediately started working on it using all the hi-tech electronic equipment in the recording studio. Within no time at all, he was adding percussion, guitars and an orchestral backing to Geebee’s piano track, producing a result that absolutely amazed Geebee.
“It’s incredible what you can achieve with modern equipment these days,” said Matt, “all we need now is to find a good female vocalist to sing it …. and I have just the right person in mind …. I think that this could be a really good song that could do very well.” Although Geebee nodded enthusiastically, he was very sceptical.
Later, on his way back from the recording studio, Geebee met Terrie again and they strolled down to the lake where they sat and watched the water ebb and flow, with the sunlight shimmering on its surface. They sat there together in silence in that beautiful place, lost in their thoughts and feeling so happy and at peace with the world until eventually, when the sun began to dip beyond the distant hills, they heard John’s voice calling out to them to join him and the others on the veranda for a sunset drink and a “bite to eat”.
Down on the veranda, they ate from plates piled with scrumptious food, drank lovely dark red wine and listened to gentle music. As they looked out over the glimmering water of the lake and watched the golden sun sinking over the red horizon, the trees gradually turned from green to dark brown as the shadows took over from that bright sunny day. Geebee had never seen nor experienced such beauty in all his life.
After the meal was over, people started drifting away, including Terrie and eventually the only two left were Geebee and Jane, sitting there at opposite ends of the table, in the twilight, saying nothing, just gazing towards the lake as the full moon began to cast its lonely reflection across it. Geebee was feeling hazy and warm and, as it grew darker, Jane’s face became Sam’s face. He had a silent conversation with her and he told her how much he loved her, how it was so fantastic to see her again and how he’d missed her so much. But then Jane stood up and walked away and his dream was over. As he sat there on his own on that beautiful night, he was reminded him of the melancholic words of an old song he’d once heard several years before.
MEADOWSWEET
Meadowsweet, my gentle maiden,
I recall, when we did meet,
That the evening air was laden
With the scent of meadowsweet.
Chorus:
Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance,
Lies like balm upon my mind.
Meadowsweet, alas my flower
Perished in the bitter wind.
All the fields were filled with flowers;
I thought I could pick and choose,
Summer days would last forever,
I was young and could not lose.
Chorus: Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance...
I walked down one winter’s evening
To the place where we did meet;
Gone were all the summer flowers.
Gone forever, Meadowsweet.
Chorus: Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance...
Meadowsweet, my gentle maiden,
I recall, when we did meet,
That the evening air was laden
With the scent of meadowsweet.
Geebee didn’t get lying in the next morning, for John was up at the crack of dawn and into Geebee’s room to get him up out of bed.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “the police will be sniffing around all over the place about that bloke falling out of the window at the party .... and no doubt they’ll be very keen to get answers to some very awkward questions .... so it’s only matter of time until somebody mentions my name and they come round here looking for me …. so I’ve decided to disappear for a few days, until the heat dies down .... I thought I’d go down to my estate in the country .... would you like to come?” Geebee immediately said yes and in next to no time they were out on the road and on their way in the ‘E’ type Jag, with the top down and the wind in their hair, enjoying the sun as they winged along, music on.
About two hours later, they at last arrived at John’s estate. Geebee could hardly believe how large it was. It seemed to stretch far and wide in all directions for hundreds of acres and, when they drove through the main gates, it was almost as if they were leaving England and entering a totally different country, a whole new world. There were hills and thousands of beautiful trees with deer running through them, as well friendly looking cows contentedly chewing on the rich green grass. It just seemed to go on and on and on.
Then the mansion suddenly appeared into view as they rounded a sweeping bend. Geebee gazed at the fantastic architecture of the magnificent old building, totally in awe. It was in fact more like a castle, awesomely large and silhouetted against the deep blue sky, with seemingly hundreds of windows and chimneys. It all looked very historical but yet in immaculate condition, clean, warm looking, friendly and inviting. In front of the mansion was a great long lawn, sloping down towards a small lake, surrounded by trees and beyond the lake were more hills and peaceful forests. In the middle of the lawn was a large fountain, spraying out clear cool water into the lovely warm air and, apart from the splashing of the water and the singing of birds, there were no other sounds, just beautiful peace. They got out of the car and Geebee looked down at the lake. He felt instantly attracted to it and wanted to go down there to sit in the sun, watch the clucking waterfowl and listen to the lap, lap, lapping of the cool water. However, John began to crunch his way over the gravel towards the mansion, so Geebee followed him. The stately building seemed so silent and empty that Geebee began to wonder if there was anybody there at all. But then suddenly the big front door opened. Geebee expected to see a butler, but instead two lovely girls appeared, wearing long, silky maroon dresses and with lovely friendly smiles all over their faces.
“The servants,” said John with a grin. The girls ran towards him and embraced him warmly and affectionately.
“John!” cried a voice from the mansion. Geebee glanced round and, for a split second, his heart rose into his mouth, for he was sure it was Sam. But even though she bore a strong resemblance to her, it was not her but someone smaller and younger. She came running down towards John shrieking with delight. John opened his arms and she jumped up at him, kissing him all over his face, clinging on to him, bubbling with love and life, asking him question after question.
“Whoa, hold on,” John protested warmly, “first things first …. let me introduce you to Geebee, your cousin from Ireland.” She turned from John and smiled at Geebee. John did not have to tell Geebee who she was. The familiar eyes, the soft lips, the beautiful figure clad in tight blue jeans and a colourful jersey, she was what Sam must have looked like when she was sweet sixteen, John’s wee sister.
“This is Jane, my little sister,” John said proudly. Geebee shook her soft hand and she shyly said “hello”.
“Now run along and tell James that we are here,” said John. She hugged and kissed him once more and obediently ran up to the house to look for James. John turned to talk to the other two girls for a few moments while Geebee surveyed the beautiful peaceful scenery. Then Jane reappeared.
“I’ve told James,” she said, hitting John again like a tornado, arms around him, pulling him, hugging, tugging and kissing him, tickling him, laughing, bubbling over, so pleased to see him again. Although this sisterly love seemed so beautiful to Geebee, it made him feel more than a little sad and envious, for when he’d been young lad, nobody had ever pulled, hugged, tugged and kissed him and all he’d ever got were black sullen looks and kicks up the arse.
Geebee stared at John’s bemused face and smiled. John listened intently and tenderly to every word she said as they walked arm in arm towards the mansion and Geebee understood why so many women loved him. It was not just the good looks but also the warm and kind way he treated them. Geebee felt an arm through his and turning, he looked into the girl’s big green eyes.
“I’m Terrie,” she murmured, “John’s asked me to look after you.” Geebee stared into her eyes and at her long dark red hair. Then, after taking another long lingering look at the lovely lake, silent hills and forests, he walked, arm in arm with Terrie, up into the mansion.
Terrie showed Geebee to his room. It was huge and bright, with a king-size bed and mirrors and lovely paintings all around the walls. He was very pleased to see that it was situated at the front of the house and looked out towards the lovely, peaceful lake and the distant hills. After he’d rested a while with a glass of red wine, Terrie showed him round this incredible mansion. It had 21 bedrooms (each with its own bathroom); 7 reception rooms (each with a different view of the estate); two massive kitchens and two huge dining rooms; two large well stocked bars; a spacious ballroom; a gymnasium and squash court; indoor and outdoor heated swimming pools; a cinema; a small but intimate theatre; a sauna and massage parlour with a Jacuzzi; a large conservatory and most interestingly, a recording studio. Although there were so many rooms, each had been decorated differently and, though no two were the same, every one appealed in some way.
Then Terrie showed him around the grounds. At the back of the mansion were the stables full of John’s horses snorting in their boxes and, further away and hidden by the trees, was a large thriving farm, full of grunting pigs and clucking hens.
“Do you like fishing?” asked Terrie. Geebee nodded and she pointed at a river, a few hundred yards away.
“Well, there’s trout in there …. and if you want to catch coarse fish you can catch them over there in the big pond .... John has the river and the pond stocked up regularly and they’re both absolutely bursting with fish.”
“And what’s that over there?” Geebee asked as they approached what seemed like a runway and a huge hanger.
“The strip has two functions …. John uses it as a runway for planes .... he also uses it as a racetrack for his cars.” She took Geebee inside the hanger and showed him all the old battered stock-cars and bright new dragsters.
“I don’t like to watch because it makes me nervous, but John comes here with his cronies and they have races,” said Terrie. Geebee smelt the petrol and oil as he stared at the massive, silent engines and his heart began to pound, for his instinct told him that it probably wouldn’t be too long until he’d be in one of these powerful machines, driving at full tilt.
But then Terrie was called away, so Geebee headed back to the place that had interested him the most, the recording studio. It was crammed full of all sorts of instruments and what seemed to be very sophisticated recording equipment. Geebee couldn’t resist sitting down at the grand piano and, for the first time ever, he played and sang the beautiful, sad, melancholic new song that had been floating around in his head ever since that wonderful day he’d had at Sam’s cottage.
Geebee of course thought that he was on his own. But when he’d finished playing and singing the song, he suddenly became aware of a young man slowly approaching him. The young man introduced himself as Matt. Geebee immediately felt embarrassed, but Matt congratulated him on how lovely his song was and persuaded Geebee to play it again so that he could record it. Then when the recording was done, Matt immediately started working on it using all the hi-tech electronic equipment in the recording studio. Within no time at all, he was adding percussion, guitars and an orchestral backing to Geebee’s piano track, producing a result that absolutely amazed Geebee.
“It’s incredible what you can achieve with modern equipment these days,” said Matt, “all we need now is to find a good female vocalist to sing it …. and I have just the right person in mind …. I think that this could be a really good song that could do very well.” Although Geebee nodded enthusiastically, he was very sceptical.
Later, on his way back from the recording studio, Geebee met Terrie again and they strolled down to the lake where they sat and watched the water ebb and flow, with the sunlight shimmering on its surface. They sat there together in silence in that beautiful place, lost in their thoughts and feeling so happy and at peace with the world until eventually, when the sun began to dip beyond the distant hills, they heard John’s voice calling out to them to join him and the others on the veranda for a sunset drink and a “bite to eat”.
Down on the veranda, they ate from plates piled with scrumptious food, drank lovely dark red wine and listened to gentle music. As they looked out over the glimmering water of the lake and watched the golden sun sinking over the red horizon, the trees gradually turned from green to dark brown as the shadows took over from that bright sunny day. Geebee had never seen nor experienced such beauty in all his life.
After the meal was over, people started drifting away, including Terrie and eventually the only two left were Geebee and Jane, sitting there at opposite ends of the table, in the twilight, saying nothing, just gazing towards the lake as the full moon began to cast its lonely reflection across it. Geebee was feeling hazy and warm and, as it grew darker, Jane’s face became Sam’s face. He had a silent conversation with her and he told her how much he loved her, how it was so fantastic to see her again and how he’d missed her so much. But then Jane stood up and walked away and his dream was over. As he sat there on his own on that beautiful night, he was reminded him of the melancholic words of an old song he’d once heard several years before.
MEADOWSWEET
Meadowsweet, my gentle maiden,
I recall, when we did meet,
That the evening air was laden
With the scent of meadowsweet.
Chorus:
Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance,
Lies like balm upon my mind.
Meadowsweet, alas my flower
Perished in the bitter wind.
All the fields were filled with flowers;
I thought I could pick and choose,
Summer days would last forever,
I was young and could not lose.
Chorus: Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance...
I walked down one winter’s evening
To the place where we did meet;
Gone were all the summer flowers.
Gone forever, Meadowsweet.
Chorus: Meadowsweet, your gentle fragrance...
Meadowsweet, my gentle maiden,
I recall, when we did meet,
That the evening air was laden
With the scent of meadowsweet.
Chapter 38
It was another beautiful morning the next day. Geebee and John went outside to sit on the veranda and survey the fantastic scenery stretching out before them.
“This is such a beautiful place,” murmured Geebee, “you’re a really lucky man to own it.”
“Oh, it’s not mine yet,” said John, “not by a long chalk …. although my father left it to me in his will, there are quite a few problems to be sorted out before I can actually inherit it …. or anything else of his, come to that.” Although Geebee had told John plenty about Maud and Thomas and all his other relations, John had told him virtually nothing about himself or his family affairs. So when John started talking about his father’s will, Geebee was immediately all ears, because he realised that the moment for certain questions to be answered had probably arrived at last. Geebee therefore shook his head and looked suitably puzzled. There was a long pause and Geebee could tell that John was trying to make up his mind about something.
“I suppose you’ve been reading all the newspapers recently?” said John eventually. Geebee nodded.
“So you know all about my father’s difficulties before he died?” Geebee nodded again.
“As you know yourself, my father came from very humble origins …. but, despite that fact, he was an absolute genius at making money, especially where diamonds and precious metals were involved .... I know he probably got involved in a few dodgy deals he shouldn’t have, especially when he was younger …. but, even so, he was nowhere near as bad as the papers have been making out …. in fact, the real rogue in all this sorry business has been my father’s ex-business partner Victor.” Geebee kept nodding.
“You see, although my father was really good at making deals, he wasn’t all that good at paperwork .... in fact he detested it .... so while he spent all his time making money, he left all the bureaucracy to Victor, whom he trusted implicitly .... but Victor was such a cunning, treacherous, greedy man that he decided he wanted more than his fair share …. and, as a result, he got involved in all sorts of skulduggery behind my father’s back .... but not only did that treacherous bastard double-cross my father, he also arranged things in such a way that it was my father who copped all the blame when Victor’s dirty dealings came to light and the shit hit the fan .... my father died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack, which I am sure was brought on by the stress of all this whole affair … he was also totally distraught at being betrayed in such a treacherous way by the ‘best friend’ he had trusted for so many years.” John suddenly went quiet and a terrible expression of sadness covered his face.
“Although I very rarely show it,” he said, “I do miss my father and my mother so much …. and so do Jane and Sam …. we are all still absolutely heartbroken.” Geebee leaned forward and touched John’s arm sympathetically. John smiled at him gratefully before continuing.
“With regard to my own position, things are really dicey .... by the time they’ve sorted out my father’s affairs, there mightn’t be much left for me .... you see, they froze the majority of my father’s assets before he died and these might all have to be sold to pay off all the people that Victor diddled .... so if things go wrong, I could be in serious financial difficulties in quite a short period of time .... as it is, I’m already starting to have cash flow problems.” Geebee frowned.
“Don’t look so worried,” said John smiling, “I’m not broke yet .... not even nearly broke .... it’s just that James has given me a warning that I’m going to have to do something quite soon .... or else I could eventually go bankrupt.”
“My goodness, I hope that never happens til yee,” Geebee said most sincerely. John nodded.
“But let’s change the subject to something a little bit lighter,” said John, “tell me more about Maud and Thomas.” Within no time at all, Geebee had John in stitches. But then suddenly Geebee became serious.
“There is something about my background that I think you should know John,” he said, “Maud is not actually my real mother.” John looked at him quizzically.
“Well, who is then?” he asked, “tell me more.” Geebee hesitated for a few moments, because he knew he was going down a new road and he didn’t know where it was going to lead or what consequences it would entail.
“My real mother was Alice, Maud’s sister.” John’s mouth dropped wide open in amazement.
“Alice! .... really!” he said excitedly,” I knew her quite well.” It was now Geebee’s turn to be amazed.
“Yes,” John went on, “when she left Northern Ireland, she came and stayed with my parents for a while in London before moving on .... however, she was very secretive and never actually told us much about her life back at home .... in fact we didn’t even know she had a son .... but she got my father to swear on my mother’s life that he would never tell Maud where she was or what she was up to .... mind you, that was an easy promise to keep, because relations were so bad between my father and the rest of his family back in Ireland that he never ever had anything at all to do with any of them.”
“Well do you know where she is now?” Geebee asked anxiously. John suddenly went very quiet and a serious expression covered his face.
“Oh dear, you of course wouldn’t know,” he said quietly, “but I’m afraid she is dead .... unfortunately she married a man called Dudley Burnellion …. he turned out to be a really nasty piece of work …. he was violent to her and he made her life hell. Although my father tried to persuade her to leave him, he had such a hold over her that she couldn’t .... well anyway, she apparently had a terrible “accident” at home and she subsequently died from her injuries. Although the police suspected that Dudley may have been involved in this “accident”, there was no evidence and so there was nothing they could do.”
This was an awful shock to Geebee. He went silent as he reflected over everything that John had just said. But then John suddenly jumped to his feet.
“Oh, I’ve just remembered something,” he exclaimed. “After Alice died, Dudley offloaded some of her possessions on to my father .... they’re here in a box in a room upstairs .... maybe you’d be interested in seeing them .... I’ll go and get them.” And with that he was away off into the house.
About fifteen minutes later, John re-emerged from the house with cardboard box full of bits and pieces, which he put down on the table in front of Geebee.
“I’ll leave you in peace to go through these things on your own,” he said and with that, he disappeared back into the house.
It was another beautiful morning the next day. Geebee and John went outside to sit on the veranda and survey the fantastic scenery stretching out before them.
“This is such a beautiful place,” murmured Geebee, “you’re a really lucky man to own it.”
“Oh, it’s not mine yet,” said John, “not by a long chalk …. although my father left it to me in his will, there are quite a few problems to be sorted out before I can actually inherit it …. or anything else of his, come to that.” Although Geebee had told John plenty about Maud and Thomas and all his other relations, John had told him virtually nothing about himself or his family affairs. So when John started talking about his father’s will, Geebee was immediately all ears, because he realised that the moment for certain questions to be answered had probably arrived at last. Geebee therefore shook his head and looked suitably puzzled. There was a long pause and Geebee could tell that John was trying to make up his mind about something.
“I suppose you’ve been reading all the newspapers recently?” said John eventually. Geebee nodded.
“So you know all about my father’s difficulties before he died?” Geebee nodded again.
“As you know yourself, my father came from very humble origins …. but, despite that fact, he was an absolute genius at making money, especially where diamonds and precious metals were involved .... I know he probably got involved in a few dodgy deals he shouldn’t have, especially when he was younger …. but, even so, he was nowhere near as bad as the papers have been making out …. in fact, the real rogue in all this sorry business has been my father’s ex-business partner Victor.” Geebee kept nodding.
“You see, although my father was really good at making deals, he wasn’t all that good at paperwork .... in fact he detested it .... so while he spent all his time making money, he left all the bureaucracy to Victor, whom he trusted implicitly .... but Victor was such a cunning, treacherous, greedy man that he decided he wanted more than his fair share …. and, as a result, he got involved in all sorts of skulduggery behind my father’s back .... but not only did that treacherous bastard double-cross my father, he also arranged things in such a way that it was my father who copped all the blame when Victor’s dirty dealings came to light and the shit hit the fan .... my father died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack, which I am sure was brought on by the stress of all this whole affair … he was also totally distraught at being betrayed in such a treacherous way by the ‘best friend’ he had trusted for so many years.” John suddenly went quiet and a terrible expression of sadness covered his face.
“Although I very rarely show it,” he said, “I do miss my father and my mother so much …. and so do Jane and Sam …. we are all still absolutely heartbroken.” Geebee leaned forward and touched John’s arm sympathetically. John smiled at him gratefully before continuing.
“With regard to my own position, things are really dicey .... by the time they’ve sorted out my father’s affairs, there mightn’t be much left for me .... you see, they froze the majority of my father’s assets before he died and these might all have to be sold to pay off all the people that Victor diddled .... so if things go wrong, I could be in serious financial difficulties in quite a short period of time .... as it is, I’m already starting to have cash flow problems.” Geebee frowned.
“Don’t look so worried,” said John smiling, “I’m not broke yet .... not even nearly broke .... it’s just that James has given me a warning that I’m going to have to do something quite soon .... or else I could eventually go bankrupt.”
“My goodness, I hope that never happens til yee,” Geebee said most sincerely. John nodded.
“But let’s change the subject to something a little bit lighter,” said John, “tell me more about Maud and Thomas.” Within no time at all, Geebee had John in stitches. But then suddenly Geebee became serious.
“There is something about my background that I think you should know John,” he said, “Maud is not actually my real mother.” John looked at him quizzically.
“Well, who is then?” he asked, “tell me more.” Geebee hesitated for a few moments, because he knew he was going down a new road and he didn’t know where it was going to lead or what consequences it would entail.
“My real mother was Alice, Maud’s sister.” John’s mouth dropped wide open in amazement.
“Alice! .... really!” he said excitedly,” I knew her quite well.” It was now Geebee’s turn to be amazed.
“Yes,” John went on, “when she left Northern Ireland, she came and stayed with my parents for a while in London before moving on .... however, she was very secretive and never actually told us much about her life back at home .... in fact we didn’t even know she had a son .... but she got my father to swear on my mother’s life that he would never tell Maud where she was or what she was up to .... mind you, that was an easy promise to keep, because relations were so bad between my father and the rest of his family back in Ireland that he never ever had anything at all to do with any of them.”
“Well do you know where she is now?” Geebee asked anxiously. John suddenly went very quiet and a serious expression covered his face.
“Oh dear, you of course wouldn’t know,” he said quietly, “but I’m afraid she is dead .... unfortunately she married a man called Dudley Burnellion …. he turned out to be a really nasty piece of work …. he was violent to her and he made her life hell. Although my father tried to persuade her to leave him, he had such a hold over her that she couldn’t .... well anyway, she apparently had a terrible “accident” at home and she subsequently died from her injuries. Although the police suspected that Dudley may have been involved in this “accident”, there was no evidence and so there was nothing they could do.”
This was an awful shock to Geebee. He went silent as he reflected over everything that John had just said. But then John suddenly jumped to his feet.
“Oh, I’ve just remembered something,” he exclaimed. “After Alice died, Dudley offloaded some of her possessions on to my father .... they’re here in a box in a room upstairs .... maybe you’d be interested in seeing them .... I’ll go and get them.” And with that he was away off into the house.
About fifteen minutes later, John re-emerged from the house with cardboard box full of bits and pieces, which he put down on the table in front of Geebee.
“I’ll leave you in peace to go through these things on your own,” he said and with that, he disappeared back into the house.
Chapter 39
Geebee rummaged about in the box and found various rather trivial things, along with pieces of jewellery, bottles of perfume and cosmetics. There was also an old chocolate box. He picked it up and opened the lid. Inside were photographs, which he began to peruse through. There were some of a beautiful, svelte, very well-dressed young woman, whom Geebee recognised immediately as being Alice from some photos he had seen of her in Maud’s house. There were several photos of Maud, Thomas and a few other relatives, whom he recognised. There were also a few of a tall, dark, very handsome looking man. Initially Geebee didn’t know who he was, but after he came across a couple of photos showing Alice and him together, arm in arm, he concluded that it must be Dudley As Geebee gazed at Dudley’s features, something stirred within him and he just knew that he was going to have to go and see him.
At the bottom of the chocolate box, underneath the photos, were several folded sheets of handwritten notes. He picked up the first sheet and began to read it.
“When I was only 20 and still extremely immature, I made a ghastly mistake and married a much older man called Winston, not because I loved him or anything like that, but because, for some strange reason, I always felt attracted to older men rather than young men of my own age. Another factor was that he led me to believe that he had plenty of money and that life would be nice, secure and very comfortable with him. But because Winston and I knew that everyone in our family would object and because we did not want a lot of hassle, we went to Belfast and secretly got married in a Registry Office. Needless to say, I became a laughing stock around the town and my whole family felt totally humiliated. But what made it even worse for me was that it wasn’t long until it dawned on me what an absolutely ghastly mistake I had made.
Winston and I lived in his wee cottage up the mountain and, within no time, I was absolutely miserable. I did try to soldier on for quite a long time and make the best of a bad job. But life was extremely hard. Because Winston did not have any money and because he wasn’t interested in working or earning any, every day was a battle to survive. Furthermore, he didn’t have any vehicle either, which meant that if I ever wanted to do any grocery shopping, I didn’t have any choice but to set off walking the three miles down into the town, with the hope that I might get a lift on the way there and on the way back. One of the people who used to give me a lift from time to time was E.”
As soon as he saw the letter ‘E’, Geebee gasped, as it seemed to indicate that this might possibly be the first piece of evidence that Edward definitely was his father. Geebee continued reading, anxious to learn more.
“I was so unhappy and because E seemed to be such a nice sympathetic man, I started confiding in him about my marriage problems with Winston. Every time I saw E, he was so very kind to me and he tried his best to console me. So it never crossed my mind that there was anything at all to worry about when he started putting his arms around me and his hand upon my knee.
Well anyway, one day, one thing led to another and, before we could stop ourselves, we were making love in the backseat of his car. While I know I should not have done it, I couldn’t stop myself because it just seemed right and gave me such comfort. The same thing happened on a few more occasions, until one day I got an awful shock when I realised that I was pregnant. I just knew it had to be E because things had got so bad between Winston and me that I couldn’t bear to have him touch me or even be anywhere near me. So, just after my 22nd birthday and following a very long and difficult labour that almost killed me, I finally gave birth to my son Gene.”
When Geebee read this, he almost burst into tears and it took him a little time to regain his composure. He continued reading.
“I was in a desperately tricky situation. Things were so different those days and there were just far too many snags for a young girl like me to handle. For a start, Winston was so angry with me for committing adultery and becoming pregnant with another man, that he made my life absolute hell. However, although my marriage to him was as good as over, I had nowhere to escape to. But not only that, I was convinced that it would only be a matter of time until word would get out about E being Gene’s father and I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to face the shame and humiliation that this would bring. So after giving it all a lot of thought, I decided that I really had no choice but to temporarily leave the area for a while to sort myself out. As for E, when I eventually managed to get in touch with him, he made it clear that he was desperately keen to keep the lid on it all. So when I floated the idea about leaving the area, he didn’t hesitate for one moment and he gave me more than enough money to start up afresh somewhere else. So I asked Maud if she would look after Gene for a few days while I went up to Belfast to sort out some legal issues relating to my marriage and while she wasn’t too keen on the idea, she did reluctantly agree. Although it had definitely been my original intention to return and collect Gene just as soon as I’d got myself sorted out, circumstances subsequently made that impossible.
I went to Edward in London. He and his wife Bridget were still only finding their feet and were living in a very small, cramped, one bedroomed flat near King’s Cross. So although they were very happy to put me up and were really kind to me, the situation was such that I eventually had no choice but to find my own accommodation, a lonely wee bedsitter nearby. But with regard to getting myself a job, I was very lucky because Edward managed to arrange one for me as a hostess in the exclusive, rich man’s club where he worked.
Edward once told me that you only meet rich people if you go where rich people go, which is why he had gone for the job in that rich man’s club when he first came over to London. Needless to say, he soon made friends with lots of the club members because of his personality, wit and charm, and, as a result, it wasn’t too long until doors of opportunity began to open for him and he soon had a really good job working for an extremely wealthy dealer in precious metals and diamonds. But that wasn’t all. Because he had a natural talent for it, one thing led to one thing and another, and it wasn’t long until he started up his own dealership. In due course, he became an extremely rich man in his own right.
As for myself, I followed Edward’s advice and made a really big effort to better myself. So I changed my name from Alice to Tiffany, lost my Northern Irish accent and took on a posh one instead. I also started learning etiquette and wearing very fine clothes. On top of that, I never told anyone the truth about my background or that I was married or that I had a son, but instead I concocted this incredible story about coming from a very noble though impoverished family away up in the back of beyond in Scotland.
Although I say it myself, I was definitely a fine looking woman those days and what with my natural beauty, fine clothes and new image, I turned the heads of a lot of men, including one club member called Dudley Burnellion, who was an extremely rich man, but who had a rather shady background. Edward didn’t like Dudley at all (because he considered him to be a criminal) and he tried to dissuade me from having anything to do with Dudley. But unfortunately I fell for him and I soon became his mistress. I then went to live with him in his big house. Because Winston had died in an accident, I was free to marry Dudley and so when he proposed, I didn’t hesitate and I said yes. It was then that I told him about Gene, because I was hoping that he would agree for him to come and stay with us. But he made it very clear that he was not at all interested in this proposition and never would be. So because I was so afraid of losing Dudley, I did not press the matter further and never mentioned Gene’s name in his presence again.
After our wedding, it quickly became clear to me that the main reason why Dudley had married me was because he wanted a son and heir. But although we tried for a child for quite a long time, I never became pregnant and we eventually sought medical advice. After undergoing various tests, I was shocked to learn that I couldn’t have any more children. Needless to say, Dudley was infuriated at this and started muttering about getting a divorce. However, he didn’t go down that route for two reasons. First of all, there was no premarital agreement and, as a result, he was afraid that he might end up having to give me a substantial amount of his ill-gotten gains. The second and probably most important reason was his fear that I might start blabbing to the police or the press about all the shady deals that I knew about.
After deciding that he couldn’t risk divorcing me, Dudley really turned against me and I began to see a totally different side to him. I quickly learned that Edward had been right and that as well as him being a crook, Dudley was also a violent, cruel, domineering man. Over the last few years he has been treating me badly and beating me up. Although I know I should leave him, I am too scared of him to do so i.e. he has threatened me that if I ever do leave him, he will pursue me relentlessly to the ends of the earth and exact a terrible revenge upon me. But I am not the only one in his family that he has been cruel to, his father Daniel being another.
When he was a young man, Daniel was an out and out rogue himself and made a great deal of money through criminal activities. When he reached thirty, he met and married a young woman called Clare and they had just one child, Dudley, who inherited his father’s ruthless criminal mentality. This meant that when Dudley became an adult, he got himself involved in all sorts of dubious, nefarious, shady activity. But Dudley was such a treacherous individual that he even did the dirty on his own father, conning him into signing all his wealth and business interests over to him after Clare died. Dudley then began to treat his father with total contempt and started mistreating him in the same awful way that he mistreats me.
When I met old Daniel, I gradually became very friendly with him, despite his past history. He eventually became very fond of me and began to trust me so much that he told me all sorts of private and personal things. But one day he really opened up and he told me an incredible story involving an absolute fortune in gold and diamonds. So, going on what Daniel told me and using some titbits that I heard from other people and also applying some guesswork, here is my interpretation of Daniel’s story.
“Many, many years ago (circa 1850), a young man Henry got tired of being a pauper in England and he set sail for America to seek his fortune as a gold prospector. Well it wasn’t too long until he found a very thin vein of gold in an extremely remote area and, as a result, he formally staked his claim, convinced that he’d be a millionaire in next to no time. But although he worked from dawn to dusk after that, he didn’t find enough gold to make it worth his while. Furthermore, life was extremely rough out there in the back of beyond, with frequent fights and murders over virtually worthless stakes and nobody trusted anyone else.
Around about that time, some big business concerns were starting to buy out all the profitable or potentially profitable stakes owned by individuals. However, because Henry’s stake was regarded as being a barren one and because the area his stake was in was generally regarded as having no potential for further development, they made no bid for it and instead they left ‘that mad deluded man’ in peace to get on with mining worthless rocks. As for the other handful of prospectors in the area, although tiny amounts of gold were found from time to time, it was all so little that they all eventually moved on to seek their fortunes in richer areas and, in due course, Henry was the last remaining prospector in that lonely desolate place. Now although people tried to persuade him that he was a fool to remain there and that he should move on like all the other prospectors, he stayed on. This was because his instinct told him that there was gold there somewhere and that if he continued working hard on his stake, he’d eventually find it. However, even though he toiled away day after day for years, he just couldn’t find his Eldorado.
After working for about ten years on his stake out there in the wilds, he met Emily, the daughter of another wandering prospector, and they got married. They had two sons, Daniel and Robert. Unfortunately however, Emily found the life out there just too hard and she died young, leaving Daniel and Robert without a mother. Needless to say, Henry was very sad and depressed. But despite this awful loss and the fact that he had found virtually no new gold for years, he struggled on obsessively, because he was always so sure that the gold he’d been striving to find over all those long years was no more than just a few inches away and that he’d be bound to strike it soon, just as long as he kept mining. Another reason for continuing to strive on was his fear that if he ever did quit, he would spend the rest of his days in mental torment, wondering whether or not just one more day’s work wouldn’t have taken him to the jackpot.
When the two boys grew up a bit, Henry was hoping that they’d help him in the mine. But whereas Robert was a decent hardworking young man, Daniel on the other hand was a really lazy good for nothing rascal, who just wouldn’t work and did virtually nothing but lie about all day, every day whinging and whining and causing trouble until eventually one day, when he was in his late teens, he decided that the whole exercise was pointless and he stole some money and made his way to England, leaving Henry and Robert behind. There were no tears when he left because he had been more of a hindrance than a help and Henry was actually glad to see the back of him, for he blamed him for Emily’s early death because of the way he’d made her life a misery with all the fights and arguments that he’d started with Henry.
Over the next ten years after Daniel left, it continued to be an awful experience for Henry and Robert and not only did they not find any significant amounts of gold, but they were dreadfully poor and life continued to be very, very hard. But even so, they persevered in their search for their elusive pot of gold, which Henry was always sure was never more than just a few inches away. As for Daniel, when he arrived back in England, he had big ideas for making a fortune. But because he didn’t want to do it the hard way, he got himself involved in some criminal activities that led to him ending up doing time in prison.
Then Henry suddenly died of a heart attack aged 60, a penniless, broken man. But he must have had a premonition that he was going to die soon because a few days before his sudden fatal heart attack, he made a point of formally writing a Will in which he left the whole mine to Robert. The main reason why he wrote this Will was because he was so angry and bitter at Daniel that he didn’t want him to inherit anything, not even a cent. Now although the Will seemed to be a fairly worthless gesture at the time, Robert suddenly struck a thick vein of gold within two weeks of Henry’s death. But what was so ironic and tragic about the strike was that the gold was nowhere near where they had previously been mining, but instead near the mouth of the mine shaft, right above their heads. All his life Henry had slaved away obsessively without realising that he had in fact been only inches away from the gold all the time. If instead of going in a horizontal direction, he’d gone upwards instead, he’d have struck gold almost immediately, forty years before he died. That poor old man had slogged his guts out all his life and all the time he had only been inches away from the fulfilment of his dreams. What wouldn’t his life have been like if only he’d gone upwards! He would have been so rich, famous, respected and powerful and he could have had anything he wanted. Instead he died a penniless non-entity in those distant lonely hills. Ah, the cruelty of fate!
Well anyway, Robert quietly mined masses of gold and secretly smuggled a lot of it back to England. Then, when news eventually leaked out about all the gold he was mining, he decided to sell the mine for an absolute fortune and came back to England a very rich man. But as well as all the money he got for the mine, a great deal of his wealth was tied up in all the gold he’d secretly transported over to England and which he had hidden on the new estate he’d bought himself.
When Robert arrived back in England, Daniel was in prison. But as soon as Daniel got out, he made a beeline for Robert. Despite all the trouble and heartache that Daniel had caused Henry and Emily, Robert forgave him, gave him money and even a job. But then one night, he made the worst mistake of his life and the dear old fool got drunk and sentimental and ended up telling Daniel about the gold and where it was hidden. Now although Robert had been very generous towards him, Daniel wasn’t in any way grateful and so it wasn’t long until he was plotting to get his hands on Robert’s secret hoard of gold. Later, he and some of his criminal cronies came one night to where the gold was hidden and stole it all.
Although Robert suspected that it was Daniel who had stolen the gold, he had very good reasons for not wanting to involve the police or the UK Tax authorities. As for using his own resources to retrieve the gold from Daniel, his health was such that he really didn’t want any hassle. There was also the fear that even if he did manage to get the gold back, it wouldn’t be long until Daniel would either try and retrieve it or exact some sort of hideous revenge on him. So he ultimately came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to do nothing. After all, losing the gold didn’t really matter all that much because, even without it, he was still an extremely wealthy man with more than enough money left to last him the rest of his days. As for Daniel, although he initially went wild with the proceeds from his robbery, he soon calmed down and decided that it would be better to keep the most of the gold and diamonds aside ‘for a rainy day’. So he hid this gold and a lot of the diamonds in his home in Hampstead and for many years nobody else knew of its existence.
Although I eventually heard the whole story, I never learned where the gold and diamonds were exactly, except that it was all supposed to be hidden somewhere in the library in the basement of Daniel’s Hampstead house. However, before I could get any further details, Daniel unfortunately died.
After Daniel had been buried, Dudley and I moved into Daniel’s magnificent home in Hampstead, where Dudley continued to mistreat and abuse me. However, although I was extremely unhappy, I decided I wouldn’t ever attempt to leave him until I had got my hands on all the gold and diamonds, which I would then send to Gene. But even though I searched the library (and then the whole house from top to bottom), I didn’t find anything for a very long time until one day, while rummaging behind some books in the library, I came across a lever. When I pulled it, a panel slid sideways, revealing a secret room. So I got a torch and went into the secret room, where I found the gold and diamonds hidden under some tartan rugs.
I am hoping that someday soon I shall get the opportunity to get all the gold and diamonds out of the house. However, Dudley has been particularly bad to me recently and I am so terribly fearful that he will go over the top someday and kill me, which is why I am writing this all down.”
After Geebee had read this incredible story, he picked up the next folded sheet of paper and he began to read it.
“Dear Gene
I am writing this to you in case I never get the chance to speak to you face to face.
There are no words that can adequately describe my sadness and guilt for abandoning you in the way that I did. But I hope you can find it in your heart to understand that my circumstances were such at that time that I did not have any real choice but to do what I did. Although I sent you birthday and Christmas cards every year and wrote you many letters to try and explain, you never replied to any of them. However, when I made a one-off phonecall to Maud a couple of years ago, she told me that you didn’t want anything to do with me, which is why you threw away all my cards and letters unread. I was absolutely heartbroken when she told me that.”
Geebee shook his head in absolute anguish, because he had never, ever received one card or letter in all those years. And oh, how he hated Maud at that precise moment, the cruel, nasty bitch! He continued reading.
“I can understand why you did that and why you must hate me, but I want you to know that although I left you, there was never a day that went by that I did not think of you. I swear with all my heart that it was always my wish to return to you and become your loving mother once again.
I let you down so badly my dear son and I want to make it up to you so much. So I am hoping that I shall soon be in a position to send you a lot of money that I hope will at the very least give you the chance of a good life. I know this money will never adequately compensate for what I did to you and the pain you suffered, but I hope you will eventually be able to forgive me for what I did, Gene. Although I wasn’t with you, I loved you so much, my darling son.
With so much love
Your loving Mum, Alice”
Geebee’s eyes filled with tears and he quietly sobbed. He then continued looking in the chocolate box. There was one last piece of white card at the bottom and when he looked at it closely, he noticed the word Gene written on it in pencil. He picked it up and turned it over. It was a photograph of Alice holding a young baby lovingly in her arms, her baby son Gene. Although tears immediately came to his eyes once again, it was different this time. And Geebee wept uncontrollably for a very, very long time.
Geebee rummaged about in the box and found various rather trivial things, along with pieces of jewellery, bottles of perfume and cosmetics. There was also an old chocolate box. He picked it up and opened the lid. Inside were photographs, which he began to peruse through. There were some of a beautiful, svelte, very well-dressed young woman, whom Geebee recognised immediately as being Alice from some photos he had seen of her in Maud’s house. There were several photos of Maud, Thomas and a few other relatives, whom he recognised. There were also a few of a tall, dark, very handsome looking man. Initially Geebee didn’t know who he was, but after he came across a couple of photos showing Alice and him together, arm in arm, he concluded that it must be Dudley As Geebee gazed at Dudley’s features, something stirred within him and he just knew that he was going to have to go and see him.
At the bottom of the chocolate box, underneath the photos, were several folded sheets of handwritten notes. He picked up the first sheet and began to read it.
“When I was only 20 and still extremely immature, I made a ghastly mistake and married a much older man called Winston, not because I loved him or anything like that, but because, for some strange reason, I always felt attracted to older men rather than young men of my own age. Another factor was that he led me to believe that he had plenty of money and that life would be nice, secure and very comfortable with him. But because Winston and I knew that everyone in our family would object and because we did not want a lot of hassle, we went to Belfast and secretly got married in a Registry Office. Needless to say, I became a laughing stock around the town and my whole family felt totally humiliated. But what made it even worse for me was that it wasn’t long until it dawned on me what an absolutely ghastly mistake I had made.
Winston and I lived in his wee cottage up the mountain and, within no time, I was absolutely miserable. I did try to soldier on for quite a long time and make the best of a bad job. But life was extremely hard. Because Winston did not have any money and because he wasn’t interested in working or earning any, every day was a battle to survive. Furthermore, he didn’t have any vehicle either, which meant that if I ever wanted to do any grocery shopping, I didn’t have any choice but to set off walking the three miles down into the town, with the hope that I might get a lift on the way there and on the way back. One of the people who used to give me a lift from time to time was E.”
As soon as he saw the letter ‘E’, Geebee gasped, as it seemed to indicate that this might possibly be the first piece of evidence that Edward definitely was his father. Geebee continued reading, anxious to learn more.
“I was so unhappy and because E seemed to be such a nice sympathetic man, I started confiding in him about my marriage problems with Winston. Every time I saw E, he was so very kind to me and he tried his best to console me. So it never crossed my mind that there was anything at all to worry about when he started putting his arms around me and his hand upon my knee.
Well anyway, one day, one thing led to another and, before we could stop ourselves, we were making love in the backseat of his car. While I know I should not have done it, I couldn’t stop myself because it just seemed right and gave me such comfort. The same thing happened on a few more occasions, until one day I got an awful shock when I realised that I was pregnant. I just knew it had to be E because things had got so bad between Winston and me that I couldn’t bear to have him touch me or even be anywhere near me. So, just after my 22nd birthday and following a very long and difficult labour that almost killed me, I finally gave birth to my son Gene.”
When Geebee read this, he almost burst into tears and it took him a little time to regain his composure. He continued reading.
“I was in a desperately tricky situation. Things were so different those days and there were just far too many snags for a young girl like me to handle. For a start, Winston was so angry with me for committing adultery and becoming pregnant with another man, that he made my life absolute hell. However, although my marriage to him was as good as over, I had nowhere to escape to. But not only that, I was convinced that it would only be a matter of time until word would get out about E being Gene’s father and I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to face the shame and humiliation that this would bring. So after giving it all a lot of thought, I decided that I really had no choice but to temporarily leave the area for a while to sort myself out. As for E, when I eventually managed to get in touch with him, he made it clear that he was desperately keen to keep the lid on it all. So when I floated the idea about leaving the area, he didn’t hesitate for one moment and he gave me more than enough money to start up afresh somewhere else. So I asked Maud if she would look after Gene for a few days while I went up to Belfast to sort out some legal issues relating to my marriage and while she wasn’t too keen on the idea, she did reluctantly agree. Although it had definitely been my original intention to return and collect Gene just as soon as I’d got myself sorted out, circumstances subsequently made that impossible.
I went to Edward in London. He and his wife Bridget were still only finding their feet and were living in a very small, cramped, one bedroomed flat near King’s Cross. So although they were very happy to put me up and were really kind to me, the situation was such that I eventually had no choice but to find my own accommodation, a lonely wee bedsitter nearby. But with regard to getting myself a job, I was very lucky because Edward managed to arrange one for me as a hostess in the exclusive, rich man’s club where he worked.
Edward once told me that you only meet rich people if you go where rich people go, which is why he had gone for the job in that rich man’s club when he first came over to London. Needless to say, he soon made friends with lots of the club members because of his personality, wit and charm, and, as a result, it wasn’t too long until doors of opportunity began to open for him and he soon had a really good job working for an extremely wealthy dealer in precious metals and diamonds. But that wasn’t all. Because he had a natural talent for it, one thing led to one thing and another, and it wasn’t long until he started up his own dealership. In due course, he became an extremely rich man in his own right.
As for myself, I followed Edward’s advice and made a really big effort to better myself. So I changed my name from Alice to Tiffany, lost my Northern Irish accent and took on a posh one instead. I also started learning etiquette and wearing very fine clothes. On top of that, I never told anyone the truth about my background or that I was married or that I had a son, but instead I concocted this incredible story about coming from a very noble though impoverished family away up in the back of beyond in Scotland.
Although I say it myself, I was definitely a fine looking woman those days and what with my natural beauty, fine clothes and new image, I turned the heads of a lot of men, including one club member called Dudley Burnellion, who was an extremely rich man, but who had a rather shady background. Edward didn’t like Dudley at all (because he considered him to be a criminal) and he tried to dissuade me from having anything to do with Dudley. But unfortunately I fell for him and I soon became his mistress. I then went to live with him in his big house. Because Winston had died in an accident, I was free to marry Dudley and so when he proposed, I didn’t hesitate and I said yes. It was then that I told him about Gene, because I was hoping that he would agree for him to come and stay with us. But he made it very clear that he was not at all interested in this proposition and never would be. So because I was so afraid of losing Dudley, I did not press the matter further and never mentioned Gene’s name in his presence again.
After our wedding, it quickly became clear to me that the main reason why Dudley had married me was because he wanted a son and heir. But although we tried for a child for quite a long time, I never became pregnant and we eventually sought medical advice. After undergoing various tests, I was shocked to learn that I couldn’t have any more children. Needless to say, Dudley was infuriated at this and started muttering about getting a divorce. However, he didn’t go down that route for two reasons. First of all, there was no premarital agreement and, as a result, he was afraid that he might end up having to give me a substantial amount of his ill-gotten gains. The second and probably most important reason was his fear that I might start blabbing to the police or the press about all the shady deals that I knew about.
After deciding that he couldn’t risk divorcing me, Dudley really turned against me and I began to see a totally different side to him. I quickly learned that Edward had been right and that as well as him being a crook, Dudley was also a violent, cruel, domineering man. Over the last few years he has been treating me badly and beating me up. Although I know I should leave him, I am too scared of him to do so i.e. he has threatened me that if I ever do leave him, he will pursue me relentlessly to the ends of the earth and exact a terrible revenge upon me. But I am not the only one in his family that he has been cruel to, his father Daniel being another.
When he was a young man, Daniel was an out and out rogue himself and made a great deal of money through criminal activities. When he reached thirty, he met and married a young woman called Clare and they had just one child, Dudley, who inherited his father’s ruthless criminal mentality. This meant that when Dudley became an adult, he got himself involved in all sorts of dubious, nefarious, shady activity. But Dudley was such a treacherous individual that he even did the dirty on his own father, conning him into signing all his wealth and business interests over to him after Clare died. Dudley then began to treat his father with total contempt and started mistreating him in the same awful way that he mistreats me.
When I met old Daniel, I gradually became very friendly with him, despite his past history. He eventually became very fond of me and began to trust me so much that he told me all sorts of private and personal things. But one day he really opened up and he told me an incredible story involving an absolute fortune in gold and diamonds. So, going on what Daniel told me and using some titbits that I heard from other people and also applying some guesswork, here is my interpretation of Daniel’s story.
“Many, many years ago (circa 1850), a young man Henry got tired of being a pauper in England and he set sail for America to seek his fortune as a gold prospector. Well it wasn’t too long until he found a very thin vein of gold in an extremely remote area and, as a result, he formally staked his claim, convinced that he’d be a millionaire in next to no time. But although he worked from dawn to dusk after that, he didn’t find enough gold to make it worth his while. Furthermore, life was extremely rough out there in the back of beyond, with frequent fights and murders over virtually worthless stakes and nobody trusted anyone else.
Around about that time, some big business concerns were starting to buy out all the profitable or potentially profitable stakes owned by individuals. However, because Henry’s stake was regarded as being a barren one and because the area his stake was in was generally regarded as having no potential for further development, they made no bid for it and instead they left ‘that mad deluded man’ in peace to get on with mining worthless rocks. As for the other handful of prospectors in the area, although tiny amounts of gold were found from time to time, it was all so little that they all eventually moved on to seek their fortunes in richer areas and, in due course, Henry was the last remaining prospector in that lonely desolate place. Now although people tried to persuade him that he was a fool to remain there and that he should move on like all the other prospectors, he stayed on. This was because his instinct told him that there was gold there somewhere and that if he continued working hard on his stake, he’d eventually find it. However, even though he toiled away day after day for years, he just couldn’t find his Eldorado.
After working for about ten years on his stake out there in the wilds, he met Emily, the daughter of another wandering prospector, and they got married. They had two sons, Daniel and Robert. Unfortunately however, Emily found the life out there just too hard and she died young, leaving Daniel and Robert without a mother. Needless to say, Henry was very sad and depressed. But despite this awful loss and the fact that he had found virtually no new gold for years, he struggled on obsessively, because he was always so sure that the gold he’d been striving to find over all those long years was no more than just a few inches away and that he’d be bound to strike it soon, just as long as he kept mining. Another reason for continuing to strive on was his fear that if he ever did quit, he would spend the rest of his days in mental torment, wondering whether or not just one more day’s work wouldn’t have taken him to the jackpot.
When the two boys grew up a bit, Henry was hoping that they’d help him in the mine. But whereas Robert was a decent hardworking young man, Daniel on the other hand was a really lazy good for nothing rascal, who just wouldn’t work and did virtually nothing but lie about all day, every day whinging and whining and causing trouble until eventually one day, when he was in his late teens, he decided that the whole exercise was pointless and he stole some money and made his way to England, leaving Henry and Robert behind. There were no tears when he left because he had been more of a hindrance than a help and Henry was actually glad to see the back of him, for he blamed him for Emily’s early death because of the way he’d made her life a misery with all the fights and arguments that he’d started with Henry.
Over the next ten years after Daniel left, it continued to be an awful experience for Henry and Robert and not only did they not find any significant amounts of gold, but they were dreadfully poor and life continued to be very, very hard. But even so, they persevered in their search for their elusive pot of gold, which Henry was always sure was never more than just a few inches away. As for Daniel, when he arrived back in England, he had big ideas for making a fortune. But because he didn’t want to do it the hard way, he got himself involved in some criminal activities that led to him ending up doing time in prison.
Then Henry suddenly died of a heart attack aged 60, a penniless, broken man. But he must have had a premonition that he was going to die soon because a few days before his sudden fatal heart attack, he made a point of formally writing a Will in which he left the whole mine to Robert. The main reason why he wrote this Will was because he was so angry and bitter at Daniel that he didn’t want him to inherit anything, not even a cent. Now although the Will seemed to be a fairly worthless gesture at the time, Robert suddenly struck a thick vein of gold within two weeks of Henry’s death. But what was so ironic and tragic about the strike was that the gold was nowhere near where they had previously been mining, but instead near the mouth of the mine shaft, right above their heads. All his life Henry had slaved away obsessively without realising that he had in fact been only inches away from the gold all the time. If instead of going in a horizontal direction, he’d gone upwards instead, he’d have struck gold almost immediately, forty years before he died. That poor old man had slogged his guts out all his life and all the time he had only been inches away from the fulfilment of his dreams. What wouldn’t his life have been like if only he’d gone upwards! He would have been so rich, famous, respected and powerful and he could have had anything he wanted. Instead he died a penniless non-entity in those distant lonely hills. Ah, the cruelty of fate!
Well anyway, Robert quietly mined masses of gold and secretly smuggled a lot of it back to England. Then, when news eventually leaked out about all the gold he was mining, he decided to sell the mine for an absolute fortune and came back to England a very rich man. But as well as all the money he got for the mine, a great deal of his wealth was tied up in all the gold he’d secretly transported over to England and which he had hidden on the new estate he’d bought himself.
When Robert arrived back in England, Daniel was in prison. But as soon as Daniel got out, he made a beeline for Robert. Despite all the trouble and heartache that Daniel had caused Henry and Emily, Robert forgave him, gave him money and even a job. But then one night, he made the worst mistake of his life and the dear old fool got drunk and sentimental and ended up telling Daniel about the gold and where it was hidden. Now although Robert had been very generous towards him, Daniel wasn’t in any way grateful and so it wasn’t long until he was plotting to get his hands on Robert’s secret hoard of gold. Later, he and some of his criminal cronies came one night to where the gold was hidden and stole it all.
Although Robert suspected that it was Daniel who had stolen the gold, he had very good reasons for not wanting to involve the police or the UK Tax authorities. As for using his own resources to retrieve the gold from Daniel, his health was such that he really didn’t want any hassle. There was also the fear that even if he did manage to get the gold back, it wouldn’t be long until Daniel would either try and retrieve it or exact some sort of hideous revenge on him. So he ultimately came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to do nothing. After all, losing the gold didn’t really matter all that much because, even without it, he was still an extremely wealthy man with more than enough money left to last him the rest of his days. As for Daniel, although he initially went wild with the proceeds from his robbery, he soon calmed down and decided that it would be better to keep the most of the gold and diamonds aside ‘for a rainy day’. So he hid this gold and a lot of the diamonds in his home in Hampstead and for many years nobody else knew of its existence.
Although I eventually heard the whole story, I never learned where the gold and diamonds were exactly, except that it was all supposed to be hidden somewhere in the library in the basement of Daniel’s Hampstead house. However, before I could get any further details, Daniel unfortunately died.
After Daniel had been buried, Dudley and I moved into Daniel’s magnificent home in Hampstead, where Dudley continued to mistreat and abuse me. However, although I was extremely unhappy, I decided I wouldn’t ever attempt to leave him until I had got my hands on all the gold and diamonds, which I would then send to Gene. But even though I searched the library (and then the whole house from top to bottom), I didn’t find anything for a very long time until one day, while rummaging behind some books in the library, I came across a lever. When I pulled it, a panel slid sideways, revealing a secret room. So I got a torch and went into the secret room, where I found the gold and diamonds hidden under some tartan rugs.
I am hoping that someday soon I shall get the opportunity to get all the gold and diamonds out of the house. However, Dudley has been particularly bad to me recently and I am so terribly fearful that he will go over the top someday and kill me, which is why I am writing this all down.”
After Geebee had read this incredible story, he picked up the next folded sheet of paper and he began to read it.
“Dear Gene
I am writing this to you in case I never get the chance to speak to you face to face.
There are no words that can adequately describe my sadness and guilt for abandoning you in the way that I did. But I hope you can find it in your heart to understand that my circumstances were such at that time that I did not have any real choice but to do what I did. Although I sent you birthday and Christmas cards every year and wrote you many letters to try and explain, you never replied to any of them. However, when I made a one-off phonecall to Maud a couple of years ago, she told me that you didn’t want anything to do with me, which is why you threw away all my cards and letters unread. I was absolutely heartbroken when she told me that.”
Geebee shook his head in absolute anguish, because he had never, ever received one card or letter in all those years. And oh, how he hated Maud at that precise moment, the cruel, nasty bitch! He continued reading.
“I can understand why you did that and why you must hate me, but I want you to know that although I left you, there was never a day that went by that I did not think of you. I swear with all my heart that it was always my wish to return to you and become your loving mother once again.
I let you down so badly my dear son and I want to make it up to you so much. So I am hoping that I shall soon be in a position to send you a lot of money that I hope will at the very least give you the chance of a good life. I know this money will never adequately compensate for what I did to you and the pain you suffered, but I hope you will eventually be able to forgive me for what I did, Gene. Although I wasn’t with you, I loved you so much, my darling son.
With so much love
Your loving Mum, Alice”
Geebee’s eyes filled with tears and he quietly sobbed. He then continued looking in the chocolate box. There was one last piece of white card at the bottom and when he looked at it closely, he noticed the word Gene written on it in pencil. He picked it up and turned it over. It was a photograph of Alice holding a young baby lovingly in her arms, her baby son Gene. Although tears immediately came to his eyes once again, it was different this time. And Geebee wept uncontrollably for a very, very long time.
Chapter 40
All this had come as such a shock to Geebee that he needed time on his own to come to terms with it all. Luckily for him, John had to go away to Italy on business for a few days, leaving Geebee to his own devices. The weather continued to be fine over the next few days and Geebee spent his time wandering around the estate, lost in his thoughts, thinking about what he had learned and also other matters that had yet to be resolved. For example, he still did not know for sure who his father was. Although he was beginning to suspect that it might be Edward, he still didn’t have any real evidence. However, it did begin to dawn on him that if Edward was his father, it would make him Edward’s eldest son with a claim on his estate and he feared that this could possibly create a rift between him and John. But not only that, because he would be Sam’s half-brother, he would have to forget all his dreams about her as well. So he began to hope and pray that Edward was not his father and that at some stage, he could somehow or another get Sam to fall for him, because he realised from the pangs of pain he experienced each time that he thought about her, that he definitely was deeply in love with her.
But as the days passed by, a little seed of anxiety began to grow in his mind. The trouble was that he’d grown to love this new world so much that he felt that there was absolutely no way that he could possibly go back to the old world, especially if it involved returning to life in our wee town, which now seemed like an unreal and distant nightmare. However, he realised that he couldn’t go on living off John’s generosity forever and that unless he did something about it, he’d inevitably have to leave this beautiful new world and return to the old one.
Things came to a head on the Saturday afternoon after John had returned from Italy and they were sitting out on the front veranda, having some drinks and a few laughs. Suddenly Geebee turned to John and told him that he had made up his mind to visit Dudley to see if he could find out anything more about his mother. When he asked John if he would help, he didn’t hesitate for one second and immediately said yes. They returned to London the next day.
On the morning of the planned visit to Dudley, they got up early. The sky was blue and it was lovely and sunny. Zeenia made them a big, scrumptious breakfast and they ate their fill. Then when John went away to arrange the car and chauffeur, Zeenia and Geebee went into the big front lounge. It was lovely standing by the window looking out over London and Geebee was really enjoying chatting with the beautiful Zeenia. Although she didn’t seem to understand him all the time because of his Irish accent, they got on extremely well together and they both seemed to have the same sense of humour (it made him feel really good when she laughed at his little jokes). Then suddenly Geebee asked her if she’d like to accompany him up to Hampstead to see Dudley and she didn’t hesitate and said yes. Geebee was really chuffed at this for two reasons. Firstly, he really loved her company and secondly, he was so nervous about meeting Dudley that he felt he needed some moral support (he couldn’t ask John to accompany him in case Dudley recognised him and became suspicious). Zeenia went away to put on something really “nice”.
About twenty minutes later John arrived back with a man in a chauffeur’s uniform.
“This is Mark,” he said, “and he is at your service whenever you’re ready.” Geebee smiled at Mark, said hello and shook him by the hand.
“Right,” went on John, “are you ready to go now?” When Geebee shook his head to indicate no, John gazed at him with a quizzical look on his face. But then, a few seconds later, everything became clear when the door opened and in came Zeenia, looking absolutely fabulous (bejaysus, she was surely one of the sexiest looking women in the whole of London!). John immediately twigged what was going on and he smiled.
“My goodness Geebee, good move, good move!” he whispered to Geebee, “I’ve heard that Dudley is a real flirt and a habitual womaniser …. she’s going to blow him away …. he’s going to be like putty in her hands …. and therefore like putty in your hands!”
“Okay,” said Geebee, “it’s time for lift off.” John took Geebee by the hand.
“I hope your visit to Dudley’s is a great success Geebee,” he said. Geebee smiled and then turned to Mark.
“Right McDuff,” he said, “you lead the way.” And they set off for Hampstead in the Roller, with Geebee and Zeenia in the back. Geebee felt so good to be sitting in the back seat of that lovely car with such a beautiful woman as Zeenia, on such a nice sunny morning.
When they were getting near Dudley’s place, Geebee turned to Zeenia.
“I suppose I’d better warn you Zeenia,” he said, “but I’ve been told that Dudley’s not a very pleasant man .... so, it could be that he’ll not be very nice when he sees me .... in fact, it’s very likely that he might be extremely rude .... so there’s no need for you to get out of the car when we get there, if you don’t want to.” Zeenia laughed, which puzzled Geebee. But then it crossed his mind, that maybe once again, she hadn’t understood him because of his Irish accent. Even so, he decided he wouldn’t bother repeating what he’d just said.
All this had come as such a shock to Geebee that he needed time on his own to come to terms with it all. Luckily for him, John had to go away to Italy on business for a few days, leaving Geebee to his own devices. The weather continued to be fine over the next few days and Geebee spent his time wandering around the estate, lost in his thoughts, thinking about what he had learned and also other matters that had yet to be resolved. For example, he still did not know for sure who his father was. Although he was beginning to suspect that it might be Edward, he still didn’t have any real evidence. However, it did begin to dawn on him that if Edward was his father, it would make him Edward’s eldest son with a claim on his estate and he feared that this could possibly create a rift between him and John. But not only that, because he would be Sam’s half-brother, he would have to forget all his dreams about her as well. So he began to hope and pray that Edward was not his father and that at some stage, he could somehow or another get Sam to fall for him, because he realised from the pangs of pain he experienced each time that he thought about her, that he definitely was deeply in love with her.
But as the days passed by, a little seed of anxiety began to grow in his mind. The trouble was that he’d grown to love this new world so much that he felt that there was absolutely no way that he could possibly go back to the old world, especially if it involved returning to life in our wee town, which now seemed like an unreal and distant nightmare. However, he realised that he couldn’t go on living off John’s generosity forever and that unless he did something about it, he’d inevitably have to leave this beautiful new world and return to the old one.
Things came to a head on the Saturday afternoon after John had returned from Italy and they were sitting out on the front veranda, having some drinks and a few laughs. Suddenly Geebee turned to John and told him that he had made up his mind to visit Dudley to see if he could find out anything more about his mother. When he asked John if he would help, he didn’t hesitate for one second and immediately said yes. They returned to London the next day.
On the morning of the planned visit to Dudley, they got up early. The sky was blue and it was lovely and sunny. Zeenia made them a big, scrumptious breakfast and they ate their fill. Then when John went away to arrange the car and chauffeur, Zeenia and Geebee went into the big front lounge. It was lovely standing by the window looking out over London and Geebee was really enjoying chatting with the beautiful Zeenia. Although she didn’t seem to understand him all the time because of his Irish accent, they got on extremely well together and they both seemed to have the same sense of humour (it made him feel really good when she laughed at his little jokes). Then suddenly Geebee asked her if she’d like to accompany him up to Hampstead to see Dudley and she didn’t hesitate and said yes. Geebee was really chuffed at this for two reasons. Firstly, he really loved her company and secondly, he was so nervous about meeting Dudley that he felt he needed some moral support (he couldn’t ask John to accompany him in case Dudley recognised him and became suspicious). Zeenia went away to put on something really “nice”.
About twenty minutes later John arrived back with a man in a chauffeur’s uniform.
“This is Mark,” he said, “and he is at your service whenever you’re ready.” Geebee smiled at Mark, said hello and shook him by the hand.
“Right,” went on John, “are you ready to go now?” When Geebee shook his head to indicate no, John gazed at him with a quizzical look on his face. But then, a few seconds later, everything became clear when the door opened and in came Zeenia, looking absolutely fabulous (bejaysus, she was surely one of the sexiest looking women in the whole of London!). John immediately twigged what was going on and he smiled.
“My goodness Geebee, good move, good move!” he whispered to Geebee, “I’ve heard that Dudley is a real flirt and a habitual womaniser …. she’s going to blow him away …. he’s going to be like putty in her hands …. and therefore like putty in your hands!”
“Okay,” said Geebee, “it’s time for lift off.” John took Geebee by the hand.
“I hope your visit to Dudley’s is a great success Geebee,” he said. Geebee smiled and then turned to Mark.
“Right McDuff,” he said, “you lead the way.” And they set off for Hampstead in the Roller, with Geebee and Zeenia in the back. Geebee felt so good to be sitting in the back seat of that lovely car with such a beautiful woman as Zeenia, on such a nice sunny morning.
When they were getting near Dudley’s place, Geebee turned to Zeenia.
“I suppose I’d better warn you Zeenia,” he said, “but I’ve been told that Dudley’s not a very pleasant man .... so, it could be that he’ll not be very nice when he sees me .... in fact, it’s very likely that he might be extremely rude .... so there’s no need for you to get out of the car when we get there, if you don’t want to.” Zeenia laughed, which puzzled Geebee. But then it crossed his mind, that maybe once again, she hadn’t understood him because of his Irish accent. Even so, he decided he wouldn’t bother repeating what he’d just said.
Chapter 41
Shortly afterwards, Mark pulled the car into a tree-lined avenue leading up to a big house set in its own grounds. As soon as Geebee saw the house, he suddenly felt very nervous. In his mind, he could see a tall dark sinister looking man with a very pretty woman at his feet. The dark man was viciously beating her and she was sobbing and screaming.
As they drove up the avenue and approached the house, Geebee noticed an old man, wearing a dressing gown and pyjamas. He was holding a bottle of Plymouth Gin and was sitting on a garden seat near the front door of the house. When they got nearer to him, Geebee knew instinctively that it was Dudley, his mother’s husband. He suddenly felt so afraid that he almost asked Mark to swing the car round and drive away. But although his heart was beating wildly and his stomach was churning, he somehow managed to control the urge to flee. No matter how bad an experience it was going to be, he just knew that he had to meet this man, even if it was only the once.
“There he is,” murmured Geebee apprehensively, “that’s him.” Mark drew up near the old man and then stopped the car. Geebee’s legs felt like jelly and his head was reeling. But even so, he got out of the car and walked towards Dudley, who stared at him malevolently as he approached. As Geebee got nearer to Dudley, he began to feel increasingly disgusted at his appearance. He was grey and unshaven and his sparse hair was dishevelled, greasy and lank. Geebee also noticed that Dudley had been dribbling and that there were food stains and crumbs on the revolting dressing gown, which he obviously wore most of the time.
When Geebee got up beside Dudley, he noticed how pale and cold his eyes were and how baleful he looked. There was also a strange obnoxious stench off him that made Geebee feel nauseous. Geebee also noticed that Dudley had nothing on his feet, which were black with dirt. This man exuded evil vibes and, although he was old and weak, there was something very pernicious and frightening about him. Geebee took an instant dislike to him and suspected that this feeling was going to be mutual.
Geebee had prepared a little speech and so, without any hesitation, he held out his hand and introduced himself as being Tiffany’s son Gene. According to what his mother had written in those notes in the chocolate box, Dudley had made it absolutely clear from the start that he never wanted anything to do with Geebee. So Geebee had been wondering for days how Dudley would react when they met. But there was no reaction. Instead the old man simply ignored Geebee’s outstretched hand and just stared coldly at him, with total indifference. Geebee’s mind went blank and there was a long silence. Then Dudley looked over Geebee’s shoulder.
“Is that Rolls Royce yours?” Geebee instantly felt irritated. There was so much he wanted to say and so many questions to ask and whether or not the car was his or not seemed irrelevant to him. But he didn’t want to be bothered explaining whose car it was and so he just nodded. The old man put the gin bottle to his head and took a swig.
Geebee suddenly felt apprehensive and in danger. He glanced sideways and was immediately filled with terror. A man holding an axe was striding towards him, a squat, evil looking man with dead shark-like eyes, staring threateningly at him. This petrifying monster started raising the axe as he got nearer. Geebee began to back away. It was at precisely that moment that Zeenia decided to get out of the car. Geebee saw Dudley’s eyes immediately locking onto this absolutely beautiful creature. Dudley raised his arm.
“Whoa, Oscar,” said Dudley, “take it easy .... it’s okay, it’s only Tiffany’s son Gene.” Oscar gazed at Geebee with hatred and Geebee could see that he really would have enjoyed sinking that axe into his skull. Zeenia stood by the car, looking nervously over at them.
“And who is this?” asked Dudley most eagerly.
“That’s Zeenia, she’s a very good friend of mine.” Dudley continued staring at her and Geebee could tell from the look in his eyes that despite his age, he really fancied this incredibly sexy, attractive and sensuous young woman. Geebee was so relieved that he could easily have thrown his arms around her and hugged her, for he knew that if it hadn’t been for her getting out of the car at that precise moment, he would probably have been viciously assaulted.
“Come on in for some tea Gene,” said Dudley suddenly, “and bring Zeenia as well.” Geebee smiled inwardly because he knew that his ploy of inviting Zeenia along was starting to produce results and he called her over. He could see that she didn’t like the look of either Dudley or Oscar with his big axe and that she didn’t really want to be anywhere near either of them, that she would rather get back into the car and rejoin Mark. But even so, she did come over to them and Geebee formally introduced her to Dudley, who smiled at her in a sickly sort of way. Although Zeenia smiled back at him, Geebee could tell that the sight of Dudley revolted her. As for Oscar, he never even glanced at Zeenia and just kept staring at Geebee, with an expression of absolute hatred all over his cruel face. But then Dudley told Oscar to go and make some tea for them, before dismissing him with a wave of his hand. Geebee watched with relief as this ugly brute of a man went down some steps and through a door into the basement of the house.
“Don’t mind Oscar,” said Dudley, “he’s my butler and general factotum …. although he can be a little bit rough at times, he is actually very loyal.” Geebee nodded and the three of them climbed up the granite steps and went into the house. Again Geebee smiled inwardly; although it hadn’t been pleasant, the first stage of the plan had worked like a dream!
They then went down the dark gloomy hall and entered a huge, smelly sitting room, full of decrepit furniture and old fashioned fittings, which were coverd in dust. But Geebee was too busy concentrating on trying not to be sick at the foul smell to pay much too much attention to detail. As for Zeenia, she kept close to Geebee and, when they sat down, she avoided the empty chair next to Dudley. The old man looked a bit frustrated at this. He raised the gin bottle to his head and drank the last of it.
While they were waiting for Oscar to arrive with the tea, Geebee tried to talk to Dudley and ask him questions about his mother. But Dudley more or less ignored him. In fact it was obvious from the way that he was ogling Zeenia that all he wanted to do was flirt with Zeenia and that he had no interest whatsoever in answering any of Geebee’s questions. Although Dudley was such an old man, Geebee could feel his desire and longing for this beautiful and very attractive young woman.
Suddenly the door opened and Oscar appeared with the tea things, which he put down on the little table near Dudley. He then gave Geebee another long cold stare before he left the room.
“Here, have some tea,” said Dudley, as he leaned over the little table and poured out two cups of what looked like decidedly tepid weak tea. With shaking hands, he held out the two dirty, stained cups. When Geebee stood up and leaned forward to take them, he caught a whiff of his foul breath, which almost made him retch. He glanced at Dudley and felt he was looking at the devil himself. Geebee sat back down in the greasy chair quite near to Dudley, who opened another bottle of Plymouth Gin and filled up a cup with it.
Geebee glanced over at Zeenia and saw an expression of extreme revulsion flash over her face. Geebee looked down at the tepid liquid in his cup and his stomach almost turned at the sight of the blobs of what looked like sour milk floating across the top of it. Once again, he felt himself almost retching, but managed to control himself, before setting the cup down untouched. As Dudley continued to try and flirt with Zeenia, Geebee looked round the room, trying to take in as much detail of it as he could. After about ten minutes, he suddenly noticed that Zeenia was looking most uncomfortable
“We’ll have to go now,” said Geebee. Dudley instantly looked disappointed, not because Geebee was leaving but because Zeenia was.
“Okay,” he said reluctantly. When they stood up, Zeenia dropped her handbag and when she bent over to retrieve it, Dudley caught a fleeting glimpse of her lovely bum and maroon satin knickers. Geebee could see that she’d really made Dudley’s day in a most memorable way.
When they got to the sitting room door, Geebee went to go past Dudley to open it. But Dudley suddenly blocked his way.
“You’ll come back,” he said, “and you’ll bring Zeenia with you, won’t you? …. if you do, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about your mother …. here, I’ll give you my telephone number.” Geebee smiled and nodded. Stage two of his plan seemed to be falling into place. Dudley wrote his telephone number down on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to Geebee.
Geebee and Zeenia then followed Dudley out of the room and into the dark, gloomy hall and it crossed Geebee’s mind that although Dudley was probably still a very wealthy man, his home had absolutely no comfort or warmth about it. Geebee then froze in terror, for there, standing in the shadows, was Oscar staring at him. He could feel danger in the air.
“It’s all right Oscar, Gene and Zeenia are just leaving.” Oscar said nothing but just continued staring at Geebee. When Geebee edged past him, he had this premonition that there would inevitably come the time when Oscar would have him at his mercy and that when he did, Geebee would feel real pain, tearing, searing, burning, and sickening pain - before Oscar eventually killed him.
Geebee’s heart started to pound and his hands and knees were shaking with dread. He felt desperately threatened and in fear of losing his life and had this incredible urge to escape as soon as possible. So he said goodbye as politely as possible, before striding quickly to the front door, nearly tearing it off its hinges in his haste to get out from that awful place. He then looked round, only to see Dudley gripping on to Zeenia and trying to kiss her. The look of absolute revulsion on her face was unforgettable.
Shortly afterwards, Mark pulled the car into a tree-lined avenue leading up to a big house set in its own grounds. As soon as Geebee saw the house, he suddenly felt very nervous. In his mind, he could see a tall dark sinister looking man with a very pretty woman at his feet. The dark man was viciously beating her and she was sobbing and screaming.
As they drove up the avenue and approached the house, Geebee noticed an old man, wearing a dressing gown and pyjamas. He was holding a bottle of Plymouth Gin and was sitting on a garden seat near the front door of the house. When they got nearer to him, Geebee knew instinctively that it was Dudley, his mother’s husband. He suddenly felt so afraid that he almost asked Mark to swing the car round and drive away. But although his heart was beating wildly and his stomach was churning, he somehow managed to control the urge to flee. No matter how bad an experience it was going to be, he just knew that he had to meet this man, even if it was only the once.
“There he is,” murmured Geebee apprehensively, “that’s him.” Mark drew up near the old man and then stopped the car. Geebee’s legs felt like jelly and his head was reeling. But even so, he got out of the car and walked towards Dudley, who stared at him malevolently as he approached. As Geebee got nearer to Dudley, he began to feel increasingly disgusted at his appearance. He was grey and unshaven and his sparse hair was dishevelled, greasy and lank. Geebee also noticed that Dudley had been dribbling and that there were food stains and crumbs on the revolting dressing gown, which he obviously wore most of the time.
When Geebee got up beside Dudley, he noticed how pale and cold his eyes were and how baleful he looked. There was also a strange obnoxious stench off him that made Geebee feel nauseous. Geebee also noticed that Dudley had nothing on his feet, which were black with dirt. This man exuded evil vibes and, although he was old and weak, there was something very pernicious and frightening about him. Geebee took an instant dislike to him and suspected that this feeling was going to be mutual.
Geebee had prepared a little speech and so, without any hesitation, he held out his hand and introduced himself as being Tiffany’s son Gene. According to what his mother had written in those notes in the chocolate box, Dudley had made it absolutely clear from the start that he never wanted anything to do with Geebee. So Geebee had been wondering for days how Dudley would react when they met. But there was no reaction. Instead the old man simply ignored Geebee’s outstretched hand and just stared coldly at him, with total indifference. Geebee’s mind went blank and there was a long silence. Then Dudley looked over Geebee’s shoulder.
“Is that Rolls Royce yours?” Geebee instantly felt irritated. There was so much he wanted to say and so many questions to ask and whether or not the car was his or not seemed irrelevant to him. But he didn’t want to be bothered explaining whose car it was and so he just nodded. The old man put the gin bottle to his head and took a swig.
Geebee suddenly felt apprehensive and in danger. He glanced sideways and was immediately filled with terror. A man holding an axe was striding towards him, a squat, evil looking man with dead shark-like eyes, staring threateningly at him. This petrifying monster started raising the axe as he got nearer. Geebee began to back away. It was at precisely that moment that Zeenia decided to get out of the car. Geebee saw Dudley’s eyes immediately locking onto this absolutely beautiful creature. Dudley raised his arm.
“Whoa, Oscar,” said Dudley, “take it easy .... it’s okay, it’s only Tiffany’s son Gene.” Oscar gazed at Geebee with hatred and Geebee could see that he really would have enjoyed sinking that axe into his skull. Zeenia stood by the car, looking nervously over at them.
“And who is this?” asked Dudley most eagerly.
“That’s Zeenia, she’s a very good friend of mine.” Dudley continued staring at her and Geebee could tell from the look in his eyes that despite his age, he really fancied this incredibly sexy, attractive and sensuous young woman. Geebee was so relieved that he could easily have thrown his arms around her and hugged her, for he knew that if it hadn’t been for her getting out of the car at that precise moment, he would probably have been viciously assaulted.
“Come on in for some tea Gene,” said Dudley suddenly, “and bring Zeenia as well.” Geebee smiled inwardly because he knew that his ploy of inviting Zeenia along was starting to produce results and he called her over. He could see that she didn’t like the look of either Dudley or Oscar with his big axe and that she didn’t really want to be anywhere near either of them, that she would rather get back into the car and rejoin Mark. But even so, she did come over to them and Geebee formally introduced her to Dudley, who smiled at her in a sickly sort of way. Although Zeenia smiled back at him, Geebee could tell that the sight of Dudley revolted her. As for Oscar, he never even glanced at Zeenia and just kept staring at Geebee, with an expression of absolute hatred all over his cruel face. But then Dudley told Oscar to go and make some tea for them, before dismissing him with a wave of his hand. Geebee watched with relief as this ugly brute of a man went down some steps and through a door into the basement of the house.
“Don’t mind Oscar,” said Dudley, “he’s my butler and general factotum …. although he can be a little bit rough at times, he is actually very loyal.” Geebee nodded and the three of them climbed up the granite steps and went into the house. Again Geebee smiled inwardly; although it hadn’t been pleasant, the first stage of the plan had worked like a dream!
They then went down the dark gloomy hall and entered a huge, smelly sitting room, full of decrepit furniture and old fashioned fittings, which were coverd in dust. But Geebee was too busy concentrating on trying not to be sick at the foul smell to pay much too much attention to detail. As for Zeenia, she kept close to Geebee and, when they sat down, she avoided the empty chair next to Dudley. The old man looked a bit frustrated at this. He raised the gin bottle to his head and drank the last of it.
While they were waiting for Oscar to arrive with the tea, Geebee tried to talk to Dudley and ask him questions about his mother. But Dudley more or less ignored him. In fact it was obvious from the way that he was ogling Zeenia that all he wanted to do was flirt with Zeenia and that he had no interest whatsoever in answering any of Geebee’s questions. Although Dudley was such an old man, Geebee could feel his desire and longing for this beautiful and very attractive young woman.
Suddenly the door opened and Oscar appeared with the tea things, which he put down on the little table near Dudley. He then gave Geebee another long cold stare before he left the room.
“Here, have some tea,” said Dudley, as he leaned over the little table and poured out two cups of what looked like decidedly tepid weak tea. With shaking hands, he held out the two dirty, stained cups. When Geebee stood up and leaned forward to take them, he caught a whiff of his foul breath, which almost made him retch. He glanced at Dudley and felt he was looking at the devil himself. Geebee sat back down in the greasy chair quite near to Dudley, who opened another bottle of Plymouth Gin and filled up a cup with it.
Geebee glanced over at Zeenia and saw an expression of extreme revulsion flash over her face. Geebee looked down at the tepid liquid in his cup and his stomach almost turned at the sight of the blobs of what looked like sour milk floating across the top of it. Once again, he felt himself almost retching, but managed to control himself, before setting the cup down untouched. As Dudley continued to try and flirt with Zeenia, Geebee looked round the room, trying to take in as much detail of it as he could. After about ten minutes, he suddenly noticed that Zeenia was looking most uncomfortable
“We’ll have to go now,” said Geebee. Dudley instantly looked disappointed, not because Geebee was leaving but because Zeenia was.
“Okay,” he said reluctantly. When they stood up, Zeenia dropped her handbag and when she bent over to retrieve it, Dudley caught a fleeting glimpse of her lovely bum and maroon satin knickers. Geebee could see that she’d really made Dudley’s day in a most memorable way.
When they got to the sitting room door, Geebee went to go past Dudley to open it. But Dudley suddenly blocked his way.
“You’ll come back,” he said, “and you’ll bring Zeenia with you, won’t you? …. if you do, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about your mother …. here, I’ll give you my telephone number.” Geebee smiled and nodded. Stage two of his plan seemed to be falling into place. Dudley wrote his telephone number down on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to Geebee.
Geebee and Zeenia then followed Dudley out of the room and into the dark, gloomy hall and it crossed Geebee’s mind that although Dudley was probably still a very wealthy man, his home had absolutely no comfort or warmth about it. Geebee then froze in terror, for there, standing in the shadows, was Oscar staring at him. He could feel danger in the air.
“It’s all right Oscar, Gene and Zeenia are just leaving.” Oscar said nothing but just continued staring at Geebee. When Geebee edged past him, he had this premonition that there would inevitably come the time when Oscar would have him at his mercy and that when he did, Geebee would feel real pain, tearing, searing, burning, and sickening pain - before Oscar eventually killed him.
Geebee’s heart started to pound and his hands and knees were shaking with dread. He felt desperately threatened and in fear of losing his life and had this incredible urge to escape as soon as possible. So he said goodbye as politely as possible, before striding quickly to the front door, nearly tearing it off its hinges in his haste to get out from that awful place. He then looked round, only to see Dudley gripping on to Zeenia and trying to kiss her. The look of absolute revulsion on her face was unforgettable.
Chapter 42
As Mark drove them down the drive away from Dudley’s ghastly home, Geebee and Zeenia sat in total silence in the back. Once out on the open road, Mark turned to Geebee and asked where they wanted to go next. This question immediately prompted Geebee to decide there and then that he would block Dudley and that evil monster Oscar with his mad staring eyes from his mind and that instead, he would concentrate all his attention on the beautiful Zeenia. He turned to gaze at her lovely face and could tell that she was still feeling very upset. Meeting Dudley had not been a pleasant experience for her, especially when the revolting old bastard had tried to kiss her at the end. So because it was such a lovely warm blue sunny morning and because he felt a little fresh air would do the both of them the world of good, he asked Mark to take them to Hampstead Heath, where he and Zeenia got out to walk up to the top of Parliament Hill Fields. Although Geebee had been feeling depressed, he suddenly began to feel a lot happier when Zeenia put her arm through his as they climbed the hill.
When they reached the top of the hill, Geebee sat down on one of the benches up there to take a wee rest and look out over the panoramic view of London. Zeenia sat down beside him and he felt her warmth, her head against his shoulder and her soft hair upon his cheek. Geebee felt so happy to have this beautiful girl beside him. Yes, it was all so lovely sitting up there on the top of the hill, basking in the warm rays of the sun, with the beautiful Zeenia close by his side. Although less than half an hour previously, a sense of tragedy had been in the air, now there was nothing but good vibrations swirling all round.
Sometime later Geebee and Zeenia went down the hill and got back into the Rolls. Geebee felt so grateful to Zeenia for coming with him to Dudley’s that he told her that she was going to be his Queen for the rest of the day, that he was going to be her servant and go wherever she wanted, buy her anything she liked (and sod the cost!) and do whatever she felt like doing. She bubbled over with excitement, like a little girl out for a treat.
They visited the zoo and fed the chimps, saw Madam Tussaud’s and the Queen’s ice rink, they saw the Tower and the Palace too and everywhere else she wanted to view. Geebee bought her some nice things too and she laughed and smiled and seemed to be so happy. It dawned on Geebee as the day progressed, that he was probably the first man since her arrival in England to have really treated her as human being rather than just a sexy plaything. Geebee’s instinct told him that although Zeenia probably wasn’t particularly clever or naturally talented and possibly came from a very poor background, she obviously wanted as much as possible from life and was therefore prepared to use her beauty to remain, for as long as she could, in the world that John had introduced her to, a world full of wealth, glamour, luxury and exciting new experiences. That was why she’d always been such a ‘sociable’ girl with John and his friends. But with regard to Geebee, she probably regarded him more like a brother and that’s why she felt that she could really be herself in his company and why she was now so relaxed and happy.
In the evening, they went up to Highgate Village and enjoyed a refreshing drink sitting outside a lovely pub called The Flask, where they saw the sun beginning to go down on a lovely day. They began to feel tired and hungry. So they headed for central London again and went to a lovely restaurant of Zeenia’s choosing, where there were candles and warm, cosy little snugs and, over a beautiful meal, they talked and talked. But they no longer felt tired, for the night was young and the day far from over. So they then hit a night club and danced for a while in the dim light, her soft, silky body so warm and close to Geebee’s, her hair upon his cheek. Then later, they sat in a corner, arms entwined, and watched the other people dancing.
It was after four a.m. when they eventually got home and went into the big front room looking out over London. It was dark and warm in there and, while he had one last drink, he gazed again at Zeenia. Such a lovely young girl, if she was not an angel from heaven, then where did she come from? One day quite some time ago, she’d been just a new born babe in her mother’s arms and, on that day, she’d been her mother’s pride and joy. In next to no time, she’d been a playful young school girl with short socks, plaits and maybe an ugly school hat. Then when she’d left school, she’d probably got herself a boring road to nowhere job in some dump. But then one day, she’d met John by chance and escaped from that dreary place to come here, to this exciting new world, where she had experienced so many lovely things and had had so many fantastic times and met so many different interesting exciting people. Could her mother ever have envisaged the path that her daughter would take in life, when she’d held her as a new born baby girl in her arms all those years ago? Probably not. But, with regard to Geebee and Zeenia, fate had inexorably drawn them together, the invisible paths of their destinies had gone this way and that, sometimes running in parallel lines, at other times in totally different directions, but on and on, until at last, their paths had crossed and now here she was, sitting with Geebee, looking out over London.
As Mark drove them down the drive away from Dudley’s ghastly home, Geebee and Zeenia sat in total silence in the back. Once out on the open road, Mark turned to Geebee and asked where they wanted to go next. This question immediately prompted Geebee to decide there and then that he would block Dudley and that evil monster Oscar with his mad staring eyes from his mind and that instead, he would concentrate all his attention on the beautiful Zeenia. He turned to gaze at her lovely face and could tell that she was still feeling very upset. Meeting Dudley had not been a pleasant experience for her, especially when the revolting old bastard had tried to kiss her at the end. So because it was such a lovely warm blue sunny morning and because he felt a little fresh air would do the both of them the world of good, he asked Mark to take them to Hampstead Heath, where he and Zeenia got out to walk up to the top of Parliament Hill Fields. Although Geebee had been feeling depressed, he suddenly began to feel a lot happier when Zeenia put her arm through his as they climbed the hill.
When they reached the top of the hill, Geebee sat down on one of the benches up there to take a wee rest and look out over the panoramic view of London. Zeenia sat down beside him and he felt her warmth, her head against his shoulder and her soft hair upon his cheek. Geebee felt so happy to have this beautiful girl beside him. Yes, it was all so lovely sitting up there on the top of the hill, basking in the warm rays of the sun, with the beautiful Zeenia close by his side. Although less than half an hour previously, a sense of tragedy had been in the air, now there was nothing but good vibrations swirling all round.
Sometime later Geebee and Zeenia went down the hill and got back into the Rolls. Geebee felt so grateful to Zeenia for coming with him to Dudley’s that he told her that she was going to be his Queen for the rest of the day, that he was going to be her servant and go wherever she wanted, buy her anything she liked (and sod the cost!) and do whatever she felt like doing. She bubbled over with excitement, like a little girl out for a treat.
They visited the zoo and fed the chimps, saw Madam Tussaud’s and the Queen’s ice rink, they saw the Tower and the Palace too and everywhere else she wanted to view. Geebee bought her some nice things too and she laughed and smiled and seemed to be so happy. It dawned on Geebee as the day progressed, that he was probably the first man since her arrival in England to have really treated her as human being rather than just a sexy plaything. Geebee’s instinct told him that although Zeenia probably wasn’t particularly clever or naturally talented and possibly came from a very poor background, she obviously wanted as much as possible from life and was therefore prepared to use her beauty to remain, for as long as she could, in the world that John had introduced her to, a world full of wealth, glamour, luxury and exciting new experiences. That was why she’d always been such a ‘sociable’ girl with John and his friends. But with regard to Geebee, she probably regarded him more like a brother and that’s why she felt that she could really be herself in his company and why she was now so relaxed and happy.
In the evening, they went up to Highgate Village and enjoyed a refreshing drink sitting outside a lovely pub called The Flask, where they saw the sun beginning to go down on a lovely day. They began to feel tired and hungry. So they headed for central London again and went to a lovely restaurant of Zeenia’s choosing, where there were candles and warm, cosy little snugs and, over a beautiful meal, they talked and talked. But they no longer felt tired, for the night was young and the day far from over. So they then hit a night club and danced for a while in the dim light, her soft, silky body so warm and close to Geebee’s, her hair upon his cheek. Then later, they sat in a corner, arms entwined, and watched the other people dancing.
It was after four a.m. when they eventually got home and went into the big front room looking out over London. It was dark and warm in there and, while he had one last drink, he gazed again at Zeenia. Such a lovely young girl, if she was not an angel from heaven, then where did she come from? One day quite some time ago, she’d been just a new born babe in her mother’s arms and, on that day, she’d been her mother’s pride and joy. In next to no time, she’d been a playful young school girl with short socks, plaits and maybe an ugly school hat. Then when she’d left school, she’d probably got herself a boring road to nowhere job in some dump. But then one day, she’d met John by chance and escaped from that dreary place to come here, to this exciting new world, where she had experienced so many lovely things and had had so many fantastic times and met so many different interesting exciting people. Could her mother ever have envisaged the path that her daughter would take in life, when she’d held her as a new born baby girl in her arms all those years ago? Probably not. But, with regard to Geebee and Zeenia, fate had inexorably drawn them together, the invisible paths of their destinies had gone this way and that, sometimes running in parallel lines, at other times in totally different directions, but on and on, until at last, their paths had crossed and now here she was, sitting with Geebee, looking out over London.
Chapter 43
The next morning Geebee told John all about his visit to Dudley, about how unpleasant it had been, what a revolting man Dudley was and what a disgusting place his home was and so on.
“By the way,” asked John, “when you were over at Dudley’s, you didn’t happen to meet his sidekick Oscar, did you?”
“Aye, I did.” The smile immediately left John’s face.
“Well, if you ever go near Dudley again, stay well clear of that man Oscar .... he’s a real psychopath .... although he’s never been convicted of anything, I can tell you for a fact that he’s murdered quite a few people in his time .... it seems he’s a vicious sadist and really enjoys torturing people and spilling blood.” Geebee instantly felt a chill race through him as he remembered Oscar’s evil eyes staring at him.
“I also think I’d better warn you that the only reason why he’s still with Dudley is because he’s under the impression that Dudley has left him the house and whatever else there is in hisWill .... so I don’t think he could have been too pleased to see Dudley’s stepson turning up out of the blue yesterday .... in fact, I’m sure he wouldn’t like it one little bit if he saw you getting too pally-wally with Dudley.” A strange feeling of dread swept over Geebee. Once again he experienced that peculiar premonition that something dreadful was going to happen to him and that it would all end up with Oscar torturing him to death. But he immediately blocked Oscar out of his mind and returned instead to the subject of Dudley.
“It’s hard tee believe that such a wealthy man as Dudley could live in such squalor,” said Geebee.
“Oh, I don’t think he’s all that wealthy anymore,” said John, “the diamonds and precious metals world is a small one and everyone in it knows everything about everyone else …. rumour has it that he is actually in financial difficulties as a result of some dodgy investments he made that went belly-up …. you see, although he once did have a fortune, he lost the whole damned lot by being just a little too greedy once too often and now he is as good as broke …. in fact I understand that he is in such dire straits financially that he even has his Hampstead house up for sale .… but being such a greedy bastard, he’s looking for too much for it and that’s why he hasn’t got a buyer yet.”
“But I didn’t see any ‘For Sale’ sign,” said Geebee. John nodded.
“That’s probably because he doesn’t want any of his credtors to know,” said John. Geebee suddenly had an idea.
“With regard til Dudley being nearly broke, I know something that you don’t,” said Geebee cryptically. “Although he doesn’t know it himself, he is actually a lot richer than he realises.” John gazed at him with a puzzled expression on his face. Geebee hesitated for a few moments, but then he made up his mind and he went and got Alice’s writings, which he handed to John.
“Here, have a look at all this,” he said. As he read, John’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in amazement.
“So what are you going to do next?” asked John when he had finished reading.
“I’m going tee buy Dudley’s house,” Geebee instantly replied.
“You’re going to do what!” exclaimed John. Geebee laughed.
“No, I’m not actually going tee buy it, but I am going tee pretend til Dudley that I want tee buy it.” He went on to explain the rest of his plan and when he had finished, he asked John if he would help him in return for a 50% share of the proceeds. John immediately said yes.
“Unfortunately my father had some business dealings with Dudley a long time ago, which he lived to regret,” John added bitterly. “Yes, Dudley bloody well diddled my father out of a lot of money …. so the evil bastard owes me what he stole from my father .… as for you, he owes you great deal for what he did to your mother!”
The next morning Geebee told John all about his visit to Dudley, about how unpleasant it had been, what a revolting man Dudley was and what a disgusting place his home was and so on.
“By the way,” asked John, “when you were over at Dudley’s, you didn’t happen to meet his sidekick Oscar, did you?”
“Aye, I did.” The smile immediately left John’s face.
“Well, if you ever go near Dudley again, stay well clear of that man Oscar .... he’s a real psychopath .... although he’s never been convicted of anything, I can tell you for a fact that he’s murdered quite a few people in his time .... it seems he’s a vicious sadist and really enjoys torturing people and spilling blood.” Geebee instantly felt a chill race through him as he remembered Oscar’s evil eyes staring at him.
“I also think I’d better warn you that the only reason why he’s still with Dudley is because he’s under the impression that Dudley has left him the house and whatever else there is in hisWill .... so I don’t think he could have been too pleased to see Dudley’s stepson turning up out of the blue yesterday .... in fact, I’m sure he wouldn’t like it one little bit if he saw you getting too pally-wally with Dudley.” A strange feeling of dread swept over Geebee. Once again he experienced that peculiar premonition that something dreadful was going to happen to him and that it would all end up with Oscar torturing him to death. But he immediately blocked Oscar out of his mind and returned instead to the subject of Dudley.
“It’s hard tee believe that such a wealthy man as Dudley could live in such squalor,” said Geebee.
“Oh, I don’t think he’s all that wealthy anymore,” said John, “the diamonds and precious metals world is a small one and everyone in it knows everything about everyone else …. rumour has it that he is actually in financial difficulties as a result of some dodgy investments he made that went belly-up …. you see, although he once did have a fortune, he lost the whole damned lot by being just a little too greedy once too often and now he is as good as broke …. in fact I understand that he is in such dire straits financially that he even has his Hampstead house up for sale .… but being such a greedy bastard, he’s looking for too much for it and that’s why he hasn’t got a buyer yet.”
“But I didn’t see any ‘For Sale’ sign,” said Geebee. John nodded.
“That’s probably because he doesn’t want any of his credtors to know,” said John. Geebee suddenly had an idea.
“With regard til Dudley being nearly broke, I know something that you don’t,” said Geebee cryptically. “Although he doesn’t know it himself, he is actually a lot richer than he realises.” John gazed at him with a puzzled expression on his face. Geebee hesitated for a few moments, but then he made up his mind and he went and got Alice’s writings, which he handed to John.
“Here, have a look at all this,” he said. As he read, John’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in amazement.
“So what are you going to do next?” asked John when he had finished reading.
“I’m going tee buy Dudley’s house,” Geebee instantly replied.
“You’re going to do what!” exclaimed John. Geebee laughed.
“No, I’m not actually going tee buy it, but I am going tee pretend til Dudley that I want tee buy it.” He went on to explain the rest of his plan and when he had finished, he asked John if he would help him in return for a 50% share of the proceeds. John immediately said yes.
“Unfortunately my father had some business dealings with Dudley a long time ago, which he lived to regret,” John added bitterly. “Yes, Dudley bloody well diddled my father out of a lot of money …. so the evil bastard owes me what he stole from my father .… as for you, he owes you great deal for what he did to your mother!”
Chapter 44
Geebee’s plan involved making another visit to Dudley and having a really good nose around his house on the pretext that he was interested in buying it. However, Geebee knew that if he was on his own, he wouldn’t really get a proper chance to see everything that he wanted to see because Dudley would be that keen to get rid of him that he would quickly usher him around the house and he’d be out the front door in next to no time. So Geebee started wondering if he shouldn’t ask Zeenia to accompany him on this mission, for he knew that Dudley would focus all his attention on her rather than on him and that furthermore, he would be in no rush to get rid of them, which would mean that it would be far easier for Geebee to do exactly what he needed to do. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that her participation in the execution of his plan was going to be absolutely essential. However, he also knew that Zeenia had been so put off by their previous visit, that she would definitely baulk at any suggestion that she join Geebee on the next visit to Dudley’s.
A few days later Geebee rang Dudley. He told him in gushing terms how much he’d loved meeting him and how he really wanted to come and visit him again. He also told him that he had heard that his house was up for sale and that he would like to take a tour round it with a view to possibly buying it. Although Dudley initially hummed and haahed, he instantly agreed as soon as Geebee told him that the lovely Zeenia would be coming as well.
“However, although she lecked you and loved the house,” Geebee told Dudley, “she won’t come if Oscar’s going tee be there .... I don’t know what it is about him, but he really scars her.” Well when he heard this, Dudley tried to get Geebee to persuade Zeenia that Oscar was okay really. But Geebee held his ground and said that it’d be pointless trying to tell her because she was adamant that she wouldn’t go if Oscar was there. It was at this point that Dudley told Geebee that Oscar had Tuesday and Thursday nights off each week. Geebee was so relieved to hear this absolutely vital piece information, because it meant that he could now proceed with his plan. He told Dudley that he and Zeenia would come along for an hour on the following Tuesday evening.
Persuading Dudley to agree to him and Zeenia coming over for a visit and also an inspection of his house was one thing, but getting Zeenia to agree to come with him was another. The next time he saw her, he asked her if she would accompany him on his next visit to Dudley’s and of course she immediately refused point blank. However, he didn’t give up and, although it took him the whole damned evening, he eventually managed, with John’s help, to get her to reluctantly agree, although she made it absolutely clear that she wasn’t at all keen on the idea.
When Tuesday came round, Geebee was extremely disappointed when he discovered that Zeenia had got up early and gone out for the day. This made him really anxious because he was afraid she might have changed her mind and that she was going to let him down. He began to fret so much about it that he was as irritable and as maggoty as a bag of buck weasels and things got so bad, that John was almost afraid to talk to him in case he’d “ate the face off him”.
But at long last and just about half an hour before they were due to leave, Zeenia suddenly appeared back at the apartment, wearing the shortest mini skirt he had ever seen and a very tight blouse, which was open almost to her navel. Geebee felt so relieved when he saw her that he threw his arms around her and held her so close that he almost crushed her. But as well as being mightily relieved that she’d shown up, he was also very pleased that she was looking sexier than he’d ever seen her before, because he knew she would have Dudley absolutely drooling.
After he’d given Zeenia a few more big warm reassuring hugs, they headed off in John’s lovely Roller up to Dudley’s Hampstead home, with Mark once again at the wheel. When they got there, Geebee was sure that despite what Dudley had said, Oscar would be there. So he was very relieved indeed when he realised that Oscar really had definitely gone out.
With regard to Dudley himself, he had made a real effort to smarten himself up. Not only was he not wearing those dirty old pyjamas and that disgusting dressing gown, but he’d got himself shaved, washed and scrubbed and was wearing a fairly smart dark suit that almost made him look half respectable. Geebee was very pleased about this because he could see instantly that Zeenia wasn’t as revolted by him as she had been on their first visit, which meant that she was therefore a lot more relaxed.
Just like the previous time, Dudley immediately started flirting with Zeenia as soon as he set eyes on her. It did Geebee’s heart a power of good to see her responding in the mischievous, reciprocal way that he’d hoped she would, because he knew it would mean that Dudley would be concentrating all his attention on her rather than on him, which would of course give him more scope to have a really good look round when the tour of the house began. They went into the sitting room and, as had been planned, Geebee sat down between Zeenia and Dudley. Dudley wasn’t too pleased about this because he’d liked to have got sitting right beside Zeenia. They had a drink and Dudley chattered away, gazing at Zeenia all the time. Although the most of Dudley’s conversation was directed towards Zeenia, he did nevertheless ask Geebee a few rather unsubtle but pertinent questions about his interest in buying the house and also his financial position. Needless to say, Geebee gave him some rather subtle and pertinent replies that were of course a pack of damned lies.
“Would it be possible to have a look round the house now?” Geebee suddenly blurted out eventually. The reason why Geebee had made sure that Zeenia didn’t sit down beside Dudley was because he was confident that when he’d ask this question, Dudley would inevitably say yes because he’d see it as an opportunity to get nearer to her.
“Certainly,” said Dudley, as had been predicted by Geebee. When they left the sitting room, Dudley walked beside Zeenia and chattered away to her like a tuppenny book.
Geebee was very keen to establish what security arrangements there were in place around the house. So while they were going round the place, he took the opportunity to have a really good look at things and was very pleased to note that the burglar alarm system wasn’t a modern one, but instead a very old fashioned one, which used magnetic sensors on all the basement and ground floor windows and all the external doors leading outside. With regard to the control box, this was just inside the front door. But the thing that really pleased Geebee was the fact that the code for using it was written on the wall beside it, which Geebee concluded was probably down to Dudley’s memory not being very good any more. Geebee also noted that while all the basement and ground floor windows were heavily barred, the first floor windows were not. But one thing that did rather perturb him was the sight of a shotgun in the umbrella stand in the hallway. Then when they went into Dudley’s dismal, dreary bedroom, he was more than a little startled to see a black revolver partially concealed by an oily cloth on the little table beside the bed.
However, he was pleased to see that all the windows on the first floor were definitely not connected to the burglar alarm system and were only fitted with normal window catches. Another room that caught his eye was what appeared to be a guest room on the first floor, which was a few doors away from Dudley’s bedroom and had obviously not been used for a very long time. But what made it really interesting was the rather large stone balcony outside the windows, which overlooked the lawns at the front of the house.
Although Geebee was concentrating intensely on the house’s security arrangements as they passed from one depressing room to another, he couldn’t help noticing what a disgusting state the whole place was in. It was also very peculiar in certain respects. For example, although there was a dusty baby grand piano in one room, he found that there were no keys inside when he lifted the lid.
But they then came to one room, which was different from all the others. For a start, it was surprisingly neat and tidy. There were also photographs of Dudley with lots of different women on the walls. As Geebee looked at the older photographs, he could see that Dudley had been a very handsome man in his younger years and he could understand why lots of women would have been attracted to him. With regard to the older photographs, Geebee noticed that the women were all pretty, sophisticated and fashionably dressed and he concluded that they had obviously been the loves of his life. As for the more recent photographs, these mostly featured women who Geebee thought were probably prostitutes who had put up with his obnoxious ways in return for all the money he had been prepared to pay them for services rendered. However, there was one of the more recent ones that really startled Geebee, for it was of Dudley and a very pretty, slim young woman. Geebee immediately recognised her as being his mother. He very nearly burst into tears at the sight of her.
When he composed himself, Geebee wondered where all of Dudley’s earlier lovers were now. Suddenly he could see them in his mind, all those years ago, when they’d been so pretty and full of life and Dudley had been such a vibrant handsome young man. Geebee could see them in Dudley’s arms, listening to his words of love and his promises and he wondered how many of them had longed to marry him and live with him forever. Geebee wondered whether any of them were still alive and if so, what they would think of him now and whether their passion or love would be as overpowering as it had probably been then. The eyes of those earlier women had radiated such love and happiness. Those beautiful moments had been captured forever in these photos on the wall, beautiful moments full of hopes and dreams, love and ecstasy, but beautiful moments that had quickly disappeared and become just the past. Geebee suddenly felt melancholic, for he knew that all those photos would go into the bin when Dudley died. That would be the final end of all those precious moments that had seemed so important so long ago, precious moments that hadn’t been so precious after all.
When they got down to the ground floor again, Geebee asked Dudley if the house had a library. Dudley nodded and took them down the hall towards the back of the house and to the stairs leading down into the basement. They went down the stairs and along the corridor past a few shut doors. When Geebee enquired about these basement rooms that they were passing, Dudley explained that they were Oscar’s private rooms and that he couldn’t really let them see them without Oscar being there.
As they walked along this corridor, Geebee made a mental note of the door leading to the steps outside, the door that Oscar had emerged from when they’d made their first visit. Dudley then took them into a room that was obviously the library. This was the room that Geebee had been waiting so anxiously to see. But as soon as he got in there, a strange fear raced through him and, once again, he had that ghastly premonition that something awful was going to happen to him, in there, in that gloomy room.
“It’s a bit dark and gloomy, so I don’t often come down here,” said Dudley. Geebee took a really good look round, at all the dusty old books on the bookshelves around the walls, the big old fashioned armchairs, the faded old wall paper, the dirty curtains and the empty fireplace full of grey ashes. That’s when Zeenia took the lead as had been planned and started asking Dudley questions about this and that and the other and, while this was going on, Geebee nonchalantly strolled over to the bookshelves and had a casual look at some of the books. When he had seen all that he wanted to see, he joined the other two who were laughing and joking in the centre of the room. They then left that dismal room.
When they went back upstairs and into the hallway, Geebee could see moonlight pouring in through the glass panel over the front door and he longed to escape from that dungeon to the fresh night air outside.
Suddenly the clock in the hall startled Geebee and Zeenia by starting to chime. It struck eleven times.
“Oh dear, is it that time already,” said Geebee, “perhaps we should said goodnight .... I mean it must be well past your bedtime.”
“No, that doesn’t matter,” replied Dudley, “although I normally go to bed around nine o’clock each night, it’s so nice having you both here that I don’t care what time I retire tonight.”
“But what about Oscar, we don’t want to be here when he gets back?”
“Oh don’t worry about him .... he’s got a girlfriend down in Camden Town .... and he is never back before five or six in the morning.” Geebee nodded thoughtfully when he heard this last remaining vital snippet of information. But Geebee couldn’t imagine how any woman could possibly want a relationship with such a monster, for he seemed to be totally incapable of being warm, kind, tender or sensitive. In his mind, he could see Oscar falling upon his girlfriend in Camden Town and then, without any thought for her, thrusting it roughly in and out and satisfying his own lust, before rolling off her and falling asleep.
“So you must stay for at least another drink,” Dudley insisted.
“Okay,” said Geebee, “but just the one and then we must be off .... we’ve both got an early start tomorrow.” They sat down and this time Geebee let Dudley sit beside Zeenia and, while they had another drink, Dudley continued to chatter away to Zeenia. But then she suddenly began to look very tired and Geebee knew that it really was time to go. Dudley was of course disappointed when they stood up to leave.
“Now you’ll let me know your decision soon about whether you want to buy the house?” said Dudley. Geebee nodded
“But whether you want to buy the house or not, you’ll BOTH come back and visit me again soon, won’t you?” Dudley asked anxiously when they got out into the hall. “We didn’t get round to talking about your mother and there really is so much I want to tell you Gene”
“Yes, we certainly shall come again,” promised Geebee most sincerely, “we certainly shall.” Geebee opened the door and they all went outside into the cool night air. Geebee then watched as Dudley kissed Zeenia for the very last time in his life.
After they’d got into the Roller and Mark had driven them down the road a piece, Geebee suddenly leaned over to Zeenia, put his arms around her and pulled her towards him. He gave her the longest, warmest and most grateful hug she’d ever had in all her life. As he held her, he swore to himself that if his plan turned out to be successful, he would give the delightful Zeenia a really generous lump sum from the proceeds as a reward for her vital role in the whole operation.
When they got back to the apartment, they found John there waiting to hear a full report.
Geebee’s plan involved making another visit to Dudley and having a really good nose around his house on the pretext that he was interested in buying it. However, Geebee knew that if he was on his own, he wouldn’t really get a proper chance to see everything that he wanted to see because Dudley would be that keen to get rid of him that he would quickly usher him around the house and he’d be out the front door in next to no time. So Geebee started wondering if he shouldn’t ask Zeenia to accompany him on this mission, for he knew that Dudley would focus all his attention on her rather than on him and that furthermore, he would be in no rush to get rid of them, which would mean that it would be far easier for Geebee to do exactly what he needed to do. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that her participation in the execution of his plan was going to be absolutely essential. However, he also knew that Zeenia had been so put off by their previous visit, that she would definitely baulk at any suggestion that she join Geebee on the next visit to Dudley’s.
A few days later Geebee rang Dudley. He told him in gushing terms how much he’d loved meeting him and how he really wanted to come and visit him again. He also told him that he had heard that his house was up for sale and that he would like to take a tour round it with a view to possibly buying it. Although Dudley initially hummed and haahed, he instantly agreed as soon as Geebee told him that the lovely Zeenia would be coming as well.
“However, although she lecked you and loved the house,” Geebee told Dudley, “she won’t come if Oscar’s going tee be there .... I don’t know what it is about him, but he really scars her.” Well when he heard this, Dudley tried to get Geebee to persuade Zeenia that Oscar was okay really. But Geebee held his ground and said that it’d be pointless trying to tell her because she was adamant that she wouldn’t go if Oscar was there. It was at this point that Dudley told Geebee that Oscar had Tuesday and Thursday nights off each week. Geebee was so relieved to hear this absolutely vital piece information, because it meant that he could now proceed with his plan. He told Dudley that he and Zeenia would come along for an hour on the following Tuesday evening.
Persuading Dudley to agree to him and Zeenia coming over for a visit and also an inspection of his house was one thing, but getting Zeenia to agree to come with him was another. The next time he saw her, he asked her if she would accompany him on his next visit to Dudley’s and of course she immediately refused point blank. However, he didn’t give up and, although it took him the whole damned evening, he eventually managed, with John’s help, to get her to reluctantly agree, although she made it absolutely clear that she wasn’t at all keen on the idea.
When Tuesday came round, Geebee was extremely disappointed when he discovered that Zeenia had got up early and gone out for the day. This made him really anxious because he was afraid she might have changed her mind and that she was going to let him down. He began to fret so much about it that he was as irritable and as maggoty as a bag of buck weasels and things got so bad, that John was almost afraid to talk to him in case he’d “ate the face off him”.
But at long last and just about half an hour before they were due to leave, Zeenia suddenly appeared back at the apartment, wearing the shortest mini skirt he had ever seen and a very tight blouse, which was open almost to her navel. Geebee felt so relieved when he saw her that he threw his arms around her and held her so close that he almost crushed her. But as well as being mightily relieved that she’d shown up, he was also very pleased that she was looking sexier than he’d ever seen her before, because he knew she would have Dudley absolutely drooling.
After he’d given Zeenia a few more big warm reassuring hugs, they headed off in John’s lovely Roller up to Dudley’s Hampstead home, with Mark once again at the wheel. When they got there, Geebee was sure that despite what Dudley had said, Oscar would be there. So he was very relieved indeed when he realised that Oscar really had definitely gone out.
With regard to Dudley himself, he had made a real effort to smarten himself up. Not only was he not wearing those dirty old pyjamas and that disgusting dressing gown, but he’d got himself shaved, washed and scrubbed and was wearing a fairly smart dark suit that almost made him look half respectable. Geebee was very pleased about this because he could see instantly that Zeenia wasn’t as revolted by him as she had been on their first visit, which meant that she was therefore a lot more relaxed.
Just like the previous time, Dudley immediately started flirting with Zeenia as soon as he set eyes on her. It did Geebee’s heart a power of good to see her responding in the mischievous, reciprocal way that he’d hoped she would, because he knew it would mean that Dudley would be concentrating all his attention on her rather than on him, which would of course give him more scope to have a really good look round when the tour of the house began. They went into the sitting room and, as had been planned, Geebee sat down between Zeenia and Dudley. Dudley wasn’t too pleased about this because he’d liked to have got sitting right beside Zeenia. They had a drink and Dudley chattered away, gazing at Zeenia all the time. Although the most of Dudley’s conversation was directed towards Zeenia, he did nevertheless ask Geebee a few rather unsubtle but pertinent questions about his interest in buying the house and also his financial position. Needless to say, Geebee gave him some rather subtle and pertinent replies that were of course a pack of damned lies.
“Would it be possible to have a look round the house now?” Geebee suddenly blurted out eventually. The reason why Geebee had made sure that Zeenia didn’t sit down beside Dudley was because he was confident that when he’d ask this question, Dudley would inevitably say yes because he’d see it as an opportunity to get nearer to her.
“Certainly,” said Dudley, as had been predicted by Geebee. When they left the sitting room, Dudley walked beside Zeenia and chattered away to her like a tuppenny book.
Geebee was very keen to establish what security arrangements there were in place around the house. So while they were going round the place, he took the opportunity to have a really good look at things and was very pleased to note that the burglar alarm system wasn’t a modern one, but instead a very old fashioned one, which used magnetic sensors on all the basement and ground floor windows and all the external doors leading outside. With regard to the control box, this was just inside the front door. But the thing that really pleased Geebee was the fact that the code for using it was written on the wall beside it, which Geebee concluded was probably down to Dudley’s memory not being very good any more. Geebee also noted that while all the basement and ground floor windows were heavily barred, the first floor windows were not. But one thing that did rather perturb him was the sight of a shotgun in the umbrella stand in the hallway. Then when they went into Dudley’s dismal, dreary bedroom, he was more than a little startled to see a black revolver partially concealed by an oily cloth on the little table beside the bed.
However, he was pleased to see that all the windows on the first floor were definitely not connected to the burglar alarm system and were only fitted with normal window catches. Another room that caught his eye was what appeared to be a guest room on the first floor, which was a few doors away from Dudley’s bedroom and had obviously not been used for a very long time. But what made it really interesting was the rather large stone balcony outside the windows, which overlooked the lawns at the front of the house.
Although Geebee was concentrating intensely on the house’s security arrangements as they passed from one depressing room to another, he couldn’t help noticing what a disgusting state the whole place was in. It was also very peculiar in certain respects. For example, although there was a dusty baby grand piano in one room, he found that there were no keys inside when he lifted the lid.
But they then came to one room, which was different from all the others. For a start, it was surprisingly neat and tidy. There were also photographs of Dudley with lots of different women on the walls. As Geebee looked at the older photographs, he could see that Dudley had been a very handsome man in his younger years and he could understand why lots of women would have been attracted to him. With regard to the older photographs, Geebee noticed that the women were all pretty, sophisticated and fashionably dressed and he concluded that they had obviously been the loves of his life. As for the more recent photographs, these mostly featured women who Geebee thought were probably prostitutes who had put up with his obnoxious ways in return for all the money he had been prepared to pay them for services rendered. However, there was one of the more recent ones that really startled Geebee, for it was of Dudley and a very pretty, slim young woman. Geebee immediately recognised her as being his mother. He very nearly burst into tears at the sight of her.
When he composed himself, Geebee wondered where all of Dudley’s earlier lovers were now. Suddenly he could see them in his mind, all those years ago, when they’d been so pretty and full of life and Dudley had been such a vibrant handsome young man. Geebee could see them in Dudley’s arms, listening to his words of love and his promises and he wondered how many of them had longed to marry him and live with him forever. Geebee wondered whether any of them were still alive and if so, what they would think of him now and whether their passion or love would be as overpowering as it had probably been then. The eyes of those earlier women had radiated such love and happiness. Those beautiful moments had been captured forever in these photos on the wall, beautiful moments full of hopes and dreams, love and ecstasy, but beautiful moments that had quickly disappeared and become just the past. Geebee suddenly felt melancholic, for he knew that all those photos would go into the bin when Dudley died. That would be the final end of all those precious moments that had seemed so important so long ago, precious moments that hadn’t been so precious after all.
When they got down to the ground floor again, Geebee asked Dudley if the house had a library. Dudley nodded and took them down the hall towards the back of the house and to the stairs leading down into the basement. They went down the stairs and along the corridor past a few shut doors. When Geebee enquired about these basement rooms that they were passing, Dudley explained that they were Oscar’s private rooms and that he couldn’t really let them see them without Oscar being there.
As they walked along this corridor, Geebee made a mental note of the door leading to the steps outside, the door that Oscar had emerged from when they’d made their first visit. Dudley then took them into a room that was obviously the library. This was the room that Geebee had been waiting so anxiously to see. But as soon as he got in there, a strange fear raced through him and, once again, he had that ghastly premonition that something awful was going to happen to him, in there, in that gloomy room.
“It’s a bit dark and gloomy, so I don’t often come down here,” said Dudley. Geebee took a really good look round, at all the dusty old books on the bookshelves around the walls, the big old fashioned armchairs, the faded old wall paper, the dirty curtains and the empty fireplace full of grey ashes. That’s when Zeenia took the lead as had been planned and started asking Dudley questions about this and that and the other and, while this was going on, Geebee nonchalantly strolled over to the bookshelves and had a casual look at some of the books. When he had seen all that he wanted to see, he joined the other two who were laughing and joking in the centre of the room. They then left that dismal room.
When they went back upstairs and into the hallway, Geebee could see moonlight pouring in through the glass panel over the front door and he longed to escape from that dungeon to the fresh night air outside.
Suddenly the clock in the hall startled Geebee and Zeenia by starting to chime. It struck eleven times.
“Oh dear, is it that time already,” said Geebee, “perhaps we should said goodnight .... I mean it must be well past your bedtime.”
“No, that doesn’t matter,” replied Dudley, “although I normally go to bed around nine o’clock each night, it’s so nice having you both here that I don’t care what time I retire tonight.”
“But what about Oscar, we don’t want to be here when he gets back?”
“Oh don’t worry about him .... he’s got a girlfriend down in Camden Town .... and he is never back before five or six in the morning.” Geebee nodded thoughtfully when he heard this last remaining vital snippet of information. But Geebee couldn’t imagine how any woman could possibly want a relationship with such a monster, for he seemed to be totally incapable of being warm, kind, tender or sensitive. In his mind, he could see Oscar falling upon his girlfriend in Camden Town and then, without any thought for her, thrusting it roughly in and out and satisfying his own lust, before rolling off her and falling asleep.
“So you must stay for at least another drink,” Dudley insisted.
“Okay,” said Geebee, “but just the one and then we must be off .... we’ve both got an early start tomorrow.” They sat down and this time Geebee let Dudley sit beside Zeenia and, while they had another drink, Dudley continued to chatter away to Zeenia. But then she suddenly began to look very tired and Geebee knew that it really was time to go. Dudley was of course disappointed when they stood up to leave.
“Now you’ll let me know your decision soon about whether you want to buy the house?” said Dudley. Geebee nodded
“But whether you want to buy the house or not, you’ll BOTH come back and visit me again soon, won’t you?” Dudley asked anxiously when they got out into the hall. “We didn’t get round to talking about your mother and there really is so much I want to tell you Gene”
“Yes, we certainly shall come again,” promised Geebee most sincerely, “we certainly shall.” Geebee opened the door and they all went outside into the cool night air. Geebee then watched as Dudley kissed Zeenia for the very last time in his life.
After they’d got into the Roller and Mark had driven them down the road a piece, Geebee suddenly leaned over to Zeenia, put his arms around her and pulled her towards him. He gave her the longest, warmest and most grateful hug she’d ever had in all her life. As he held her, he swore to himself that if his plan turned out to be successful, he would give the delightful Zeenia a really generous lump sum from the proceeds as a reward for her vital role in the whole operation.
When they got back to the apartment, they found John there waiting to hear a full report.
Chapter 45
It was bright and sunny late afternoon on Thursday when the blue transit van pulled off the main road and roared up the drive leading to Dudley Burnellion’s house in Hampstead. As the driver tore along, the pounding rock ‘music’ from his cab shattered the peace and tranquillity around Dudley’s home. But to make matters worse, the driver toot-tooted his horn a few times and then sent a shower of gravel flying as he swung the van round to a screeching halt in front of the house. The driver then quickly jumped out of his cab, rushed round to the back of the van and took out two twelve bottle boxes of Plymouth Gin.
It was at this point that Oscar suddenly came charging up the basement steps, looking extremely angry at being disturbed by all this racket. The driver noticed him and nodded.
“Mr Dudley Burnellion?” he asked as Oscar stormed past him and leant into the cab of the van to turn off the music.
“No,” he growled, turning back to the driver, “what’s all this about?”
“I’ve a delivery for a Mr Dudley Burnellion .... a ‘thank you’ present from a Mr Gene McSweedelpipes.” The driver then held out the two boxes of Plymouth Gin towards Oscar.
“Could you give me a hand .... I’ve got four of these for Mr Burnellion,” he went on. Oscar grimaced, but held out his hands. The driver placed the boxes on Oscar’s outstretched arms, before going round to the back of the van to get two more boxes to carry himself.
“Right,” he said to Oscar, “you lead the way.” When Oscar turned on his heel and headed towards the steps leading up to the front door, the driver hit the side of the van a quiet rap with his elbow.
Now if Oscar had looked back over his shoulder one second later, he might possibly have caught a fleeting glimpse of a man silently jumping out of the back of the van, before disappearing round the side of the house, where he then ran down the basement steps and vanished into the house through the basement door that Oscar had left open, all as quick as a flash. But Oscar didn’t look back and so he didn’t see anything.
As soon as the man ran in through the basement door, he immediately stopped to wait for the signal that would indicate that it would be relatively safe for him to move on. As he stood there in the gloom, his heart was beating so wildly from terror that he was sure it was going to explode.
As for the other two outside, when Oscar and the driver got up to the front door, Oscar turned to him.
“Right,” he snarled, “that’s as far as you go.” The driver nodded and put his two boxes down.
“Okay, but when you go inside, could you tell Mr Burnellion that I’d like to see him please.” Oscar grimaced yet again.
“I’m not going to bother him .... I’ll sign the delivery note.”
“Oh, it’s not that,” said the driver, “there’s something in the back of the van that I’ve been told he must have a look at.” Oscar looked exasperated.
“What is it?” he snarled coldly.
“It’s a framed life-size photographic portrait of one of Mr Burnellion’s friends, a young lady called Zeenia .... Mr McSweedelpipes has told me to tell Mr Burnellion that if he likes the portrait, he can have it as a present .... but he’s going to have to come out here to see it, because I’ve got it all tied up in the back of the van.” Oscar scowled with irritation. But he knew Dudley really fancied Zeenia and so he nodded reluctantly before disappearing into the house with the gin.
When Oscar entered the house with the gin, the man down in the basement could hear him banging and crashing about upstairs and at one stage the noise seemed to get so close that for a few terrifying moments, he was sure that Oscar was coming down the stairs into the basement and he damned nearly took to his heels and fled. But thankfully for him Oscar didn’t come downstairs, but went instead into the sitting room upstairs where he spoke to Dudley.
About two minutes later Oscar and Dudley came out through the front door and started to descend the steps. The driver, who was leaning up against the van, pretended he didn’t see them coming and, as he turned his head away to look down the drive, he nonchalantly began to whistle a merry tune.
That was the signal that the man in the basement had been waiting for and, as soon as he heard it, he took off at full speed. He ran as silently as possible along the corridor to the stairs, then up the stairs he raced. When he reached the top, he then tore along the hallway of the house leading to the front door, before turning a sharp left at the bannisters. Next thing, he bounded up the main stairs to the first floor, where he sped along the corridor to the very rarely used guestroom, which he had selected as being the most suitable place to hang out safely until it was time for the job to commence. He went into the room and quietly shut the door. Although running from the basement to the guestroom on the first floor room had only taken about twenty seconds, Geebee felt that it had been the longest and most terrifying twenty seconds of his life, for he’d been so sure that he would be caught by Oscar.
But it had all gone so well and neither Oscar nor Dudley saw or heard a thing and when they eventually managed to attract the driver’s attention, he started rabbiting on at length to Dudley about what Mr McSweedelpipes had said. When he’d eventually finished his gabbling, the driver took Dudley and Oscar round to the back of the van, where he had to spend ages fiddling about with the ropes and protective blankets before he was able to show Dudley this absolutely beautiful life-size photographic portrait of the lovely Zeenia. Dudley was of course so taken by it that he told the driver that yes, he definitely wanted it. So the driver untied the portrait and then helped Oscar carry it up the steps and into the porch. When that was done, the driver got Oscar to sign the delivery notes before jumping into the van and roaring away down the drive. When John reached the gate leading out on to the main road, he took off his sunglasses and ripped off the false beard. He then smiled. It had all gone so well and his professionally applied disguise and phoney accent had worked perfectly. Now it was all down to Geebee.
Meanwhile upstairs in Dudley’s house, Geebee was sitting in a corner of the guestroom with his eyes closed. Although everything had gone exactly to plan, he still felt absolutely terrified (in fact it seemed like a good twenty minutes before his heart began to start slowing down). His main problem was that he kept having panic attacks, because he just couldn’t stop himself imagining the sort of horrendous torture that Oscar would inflict upon him if he were to catch him. There was even a moment when he got himself into such a state that he started making a crazy unrealistic plan for escaping from his current predicament. He thought that he could perhaps casually go downstairs quite openly and then tell Dudley and Oscar that he was in the house because he had wanted to test the house’s security system by seeing if he could get in without being detected. But his instinct told him that Oscar wouldn’t give him the time to explain anything and that he would just launch a ferocious attack upon him as soon as he set eyes on him and that therefore, he was probably safer where he was. However, his mind kept churning over and over in turmoil. Although he knew that it was extremely unlikely that either Dudley or Oscar would think of entering that particular room, he had this terrible feeling of anxiety that they possibly might and the premonition he’d had about Oscar torturing him slowly to death was so vivid in his mind that every time he heard a noise from down below, he immediately jumped to his feet, convinced that it was Oscar coming to get him.
The time passed so slowly, but at long last, at about 6.30 pm in the evening, Geebee heard the clinking of dishes downstairs. He concluded that it was Oscar serving Dudley his dinner and he wondered what delicious delicacy Dudley was having that night. He had visions of Oscar presenting Dudley with some disgusting slop in a dirty bowl and he could imagine Dudley devouring it with his revolting yellow fangs.
Geebee thought that Oscar would have left the house by 8 o’clock at the latest. So when it got to eight thirty and he was still there, Geebee began to panic. Maybe Oscar had changed his mind and wasn’t going out after all! Or maybe Oscar knew that he was there and, being a sadistic psychopath, he was playing a kind of game with him, that he was patiently waiting for him to make a move to try and escape, so that he could pounce on him and then take great pleasure in slowly cutting him to pieces. But suddenly and at last, at about quarter to nine, Geebee heard the front door slamming shut and then about 30 seconds later, he heard the alarm system peeping, which signified to Geebee that Oscar had armed it, as he had suspected he would. He heard the sound of Oscar’s footsteps as he went down the front steps, across the gravel and round to the back of the house to get his car out of one of the garages. About three minutes later, Geebee heard Oscar’s car starting up and driving round to the front of the house, before going down the drive. Within a minute it was gone. When John had arrived up at Dudley’s earlier at around seven o’clock in the van, he’d parked the vehicle as near as possible to the grounds of Dudley’s house. So after he saw Oscar leaving, he crept into the grounds of Dudley’s house and, keeping well out of sight, he made his way stealthily to the basement steps to rendez-vous with Geebee when he unlocked the basement door.
It was bright and sunny late afternoon on Thursday when the blue transit van pulled off the main road and roared up the drive leading to Dudley Burnellion’s house in Hampstead. As the driver tore along, the pounding rock ‘music’ from his cab shattered the peace and tranquillity around Dudley’s home. But to make matters worse, the driver toot-tooted his horn a few times and then sent a shower of gravel flying as he swung the van round to a screeching halt in front of the house. The driver then quickly jumped out of his cab, rushed round to the back of the van and took out two twelve bottle boxes of Plymouth Gin.
It was at this point that Oscar suddenly came charging up the basement steps, looking extremely angry at being disturbed by all this racket. The driver noticed him and nodded.
“Mr Dudley Burnellion?” he asked as Oscar stormed past him and leant into the cab of the van to turn off the music.
“No,” he growled, turning back to the driver, “what’s all this about?”
“I’ve a delivery for a Mr Dudley Burnellion .... a ‘thank you’ present from a Mr Gene McSweedelpipes.” The driver then held out the two boxes of Plymouth Gin towards Oscar.
“Could you give me a hand .... I’ve got four of these for Mr Burnellion,” he went on. Oscar grimaced, but held out his hands. The driver placed the boxes on Oscar’s outstretched arms, before going round to the back of the van to get two more boxes to carry himself.
“Right,” he said to Oscar, “you lead the way.” When Oscar turned on his heel and headed towards the steps leading up to the front door, the driver hit the side of the van a quiet rap with his elbow.
Now if Oscar had looked back over his shoulder one second later, he might possibly have caught a fleeting glimpse of a man silently jumping out of the back of the van, before disappearing round the side of the house, where he then ran down the basement steps and vanished into the house through the basement door that Oscar had left open, all as quick as a flash. But Oscar didn’t look back and so he didn’t see anything.
As soon as the man ran in through the basement door, he immediately stopped to wait for the signal that would indicate that it would be relatively safe for him to move on. As he stood there in the gloom, his heart was beating so wildly from terror that he was sure it was going to explode.
As for the other two outside, when Oscar and the driver got up to the front door, Oscar turned to him.
“Right,” he snarled, “that’s as far as you go.” The driver nodded and put his two boxes down.
“Okay, but when you go inside, could you tell Mr Burnellion that I’d like to see him please.” Oscar grimaced yet again.
“I’m not going to bother him .... I’ll sign the delivery note.”
“Oh, it’s not that,” said the driver, “there’s something in the back of the van that I’ve been told he must have a look at.” Oscar looked exasperated.
“What is it?” he snarled coldly.
“It’s a framed life-size photographic portrait of one of Mr Burnellion’s friends, a young lady called Zeenia .... Mr McSweedelpipes has told me to tell Mr Burnellion that if he likes the portrait, he can have it as a present .... but he’s going to have to come out here to see it, because I’ve got it all tied up in the back of the van.” Oscar scowled with irritation. But he knew Dudley really fancied Zeenia and so he nodded reluctantly before disappearing into the house with the gin.
When Oscar entered the house with the gin, the man down in the basement could hear him banging and crashing about upstairs and at one stage the noise seemed to get so close that for a few terrifying moments, he was sure that Oscar was coming down the stairs into the basement and he damned nearly took to his heels and fled. But thankfully for him Oscar didn’t come downstairs, but went instead into the sitting room upstairs where he spoke to Dudley.
About two minutes later Oscar and Dudley came out through the front door and started to descend the steps. The driver, who was leaning up against the van, pretended he didn’t see them coming and, as he turned his head away to look down the drive, he nonchalantly began to whistle a merry tune.
That was the signal that the man in the basement had been waiting for and, as soon as he heard it, he took off at full speed. He ran as silently as possible along the corridor to the stairs, then up the stairs he raced. When he reached the top, he then tore along the hallway of the house leading to the front door, before turning a sharp left at the bannisters. Next thing, he bounded up the main stairs to the first floor, where he sped along the corridor to the very rarely used guestroom, which he had selected as being the most suitable place to hang out safely until it was time for the job to commence. He went into the room and quietly shut the door. Although running from the basement to the guestroom on the first floor room had only taken about twenty seconds, Geebee felt that it had been the longest and most terrifying twenty seconds of his life, for he’d been so sure that he would be caught by Oscar.
But it had all gone so well and neither Oscar nor Dudley saw or heard a thing and when they eventually managed to attract the driver’s attention, he started rabbiting on at length to Dudley about what Mr McSweedelpipes had said. When he’d eventually finished his gabbling, the driver took Dudley and Oscar round to the back of the van, where he had to spend ages fiddling about with the ropes and protective blankets before he was able to show Dudley this absolutely beautiful life-size photographic portrait of the lovely Zeenia. Dudley was of course so taken by it that he told the driver that yes, he definitely wanted it. So the driver untied the portrait and then helped Oscar carry it up the steps and into the porch. When that was done, the driver got Oscar to sign the delivery notes before jumping into the van and roaring away down the drive. When John reached the gate leading out on to the main road, he took off his sunglasses and ripped off the false beard. He then smiled. It had all gone so well and his professionally applied disguise and phoney accent had worked perfectly. Now it was all down to Geebee.
Meanwhile upstairs in Dudley’s house, Geebee was sitting in a corner of the guestroom with his eyes closed. Although everything had gone exactly to plan, he still felt absolutely terrified (in fact it seemed like a good twenty minutes before his heart began to start slowing down). His main problem was that he kept having panic attacks, because he just couldn’t stop himself imagining the sort of horrendous torture that Oscar would inflict upon him if he were to catch him. There was even a moment when he got himself into such a state that he started making a crazy unrealistic plan for escaping from his current predicament. He thought that he could perhaps casually go downstairs quite openly and then tell Dudley and Oscar that he was in the house because he had wanted to test the house’s security system by seeing if he could get in without being detected. But his instinct told him that Oscar wouldn’t give him the time to explain anything and that he would just launch a ferocious attack upon him as soon as he set eyes on him and that therefore, he was probably safer where he was. However, his mind kept churning over and over in turmoil. Although he knew that it was extremely unlikely that either Dudley or Oscar would think of entering that particular room, he had this terrible feeling of anxiety that they possibly might and the premonition he’d had about Oscar torturing him slowly to death was so vivid in his mind that every time he heard a noise from down below, he immediately jumped to his feet, convinced that it was Oscar coming to get him.
The time passed so slowly, but at long last, at about 6.30 pm in the evening, Geebee heard the clinking of dishes downstairs. He concluded that it was Oscar serving Dudley his dinner and he wondered what delicious delicacy Dudley was having that night. He had visions of Oscar presenting Dudley with some disgusting slop in a dirty bowl and he could imagine Dudley devouring it with his revolting yellow fangs.
Geebee thought that Oscar would have left the house by 8 o’clock at the latest. So when it got to eight thirty and he was still there, Geebee began to panic. Maybe Oscar had changed his mind and wasn’t going out after all! Or maybe Oscar knew that he was there and, being a sadistic psychopath, he was playing a kind of game with him, that he was patiently waiting for him to make a move to try and escape, so that he could pounce on him and then take great pleasure in slowly cutting him to pieces. But suddenly and at last, at about quarter to nine, Geebee heard the front door slamming shut and then about 30 seconds later, he heard the alarm system peeping, which signified to Geebee that Oscar had armed it, as he had suspected he would. He heard the sound of Oscar’s footsteps as he went down the front steps, across the gravel and round to the back of the house to get his car out of one of the garages. About three minutes later, Geebee heard Oscar’s car starting up and driving round to the front of the house, before going down the drive. Within a minute it was gone. When John had arrived up at Dudley’s earlier at around seven o’clock in the van, he’d parked the vehicle as near as possible to the grounds of Dudley’s house. So after he saw Oscar leaving, he crept into the grounds of Dudley’s house and, keeping well out of sight, he made his way stealthily to the basement steps to rendez-vous with Geebee when he unlocked the basement door.
Chapter 46
It had been Geebee’s original intention to get down to the basement by around 8.15 pm. However, Oscar’s late departure from the house at 8.45 pm now meant that Geebee was running behind schedule and that he really would have to get a move on. However, because Dudley had told Geebee that he normally went to bed at around 9.00 pm, Geebee knew he was going to run the risk of bumping into him if he did indeed go to bed at around 9 o’clock. So it was with a pounding heart and nerves stretched to almost breaking point that Geebee opened the door and crept out of the room. He tip-toed along the passage as quietly as he could, until he reached the stairs leading down to the ground floor. It was so cold and dark and there wasn’t a sound in the house apart from the TV blaring away down in the sitting room. He was just about to creep down the stairs to the ground floor, when he suddenly heard a strange choking noise coming from the living room. Although it was only Dudley clearing his throat, it made him jump. Geebee stopped and looked down the stairs towards the door of the living room, which was halfway between the bottom of the stairs and the front door. It was then that he realised to his horror that not only was the living room door lying wide open, but that Dudley was moving around in there. For a few terrifying seconds he even thought that Dudley was on his way out of the room. So he turned to flee. But then Dudley sat down.
Geebee waited for a few minutes to allow Dudley plenty of time to settle down in front of the TV. Although his head was reeling and his ears were buzzing with the stress of it all, Geebee set off again. He managed to creep down to the bottom of the stairs, where he turned sharp right and crept down the passageway to the basement stairs, all the while hoping and praying that the sound of the blaring TV was drowning out all the creaking noises he was making. But he made it okay down into the basement. The first thing he did down there was to take out the light bulbs in the passage. He then went quickly to the external basement door to whisper to John through the letter box that it surely couldn’t be too long now until Dudley went to bed and gave him the opportunity to creep upstairs and disarm the alarm. In reply, John told him that he was going to get the van, move it as quietly as possible up the drive and then hide it out of sight behind some bushes near the old abandoned greenhouse, which was immediately adjacent to the house.
Using a pencil torch, Geebee then went into the library and quietly closed the door behind him. He proceeded over to the bookshelves, where he began to search for the concealed lever. But it was so well hidden that he had to remove more than half the books before he eventually found it. The moment of truth had arrived at last. The secret panel had not been opened fully for quite a long time. So would the mechanism still work, or would it be completely seized up? He pulled the lever and heard a click, which sounded healthy enough. But when he tried to open the secret panel sideways, he found that it was very stiff and only moved a few inches. Geebee turned on his pencil torch and shone the light into the crack that he had managed to open up. There, on the floor, were the tartan rugs concealing the pile of gold ingots and bags of diamonds, just beyond his reach. He turned off the torch and began to very gradually reapply pressure to the secret panel. But it just wouldn’t budge any further. Sweat was pouring off him and his heart seemed to be doing about two hundred beats a minute. But still Geebee couldn’t get the panel to budge. So he put all his strength into it. Then suddenly, crash, bang, wallop, it opened completely. Geebee lost his balance and fell to the floor, knocking over a pile of books in the process. He swore under his breath, totally convinced that the game would be up now. But although he waited anxiously for several minutes, nothing stirred up above. Maybe Dudley was sleeping or was too drunk from Plymouth Gin to hear anything. Geebee hoped so. Over the next hour and a half, he carried the gold ingots and bags of diamonds to the external basement door. It was such an extremely exhausting task that he could really have done with John’s help. But unfortunately he was still outside and would remain there until Geebee got the opportunity to disable the alarm system.
When it got to after midnight, Dudley had still not gone to bed. Furthermore, although the TV was still on, Geebee could tell from the faint sound of snoring that Dudley wasn’t watching it. Geebee was extremely worried. He realised that he was now so far behind schedule that he really had no choice but to go up and disarm the alarm system. So he crept up the stairs and along the hall. When he eventually reached the open living room door, Dudley was still snoring. Geebee took a chance and glanced into the room. There was Dudley, sleeping in a sagging armchair, a double barrelled shotgun on his lap, with his bony white fingers curled around both barrels. Geebee quickly stepped back out of sight, feeling sick with fear. He remembered what John had said about Dudley having made so many enemies in his life and how there were lots of people who would like to get him. So Geebee could understsand why Dudley would feel the need to have the shotgun so near to hand when Oscar was not around. But chillingly, he knew that Dudley was such a vicious, ruthless man that he wouldn’t hesitate to use that gun, if need be.
Geebee was completely flummoxed; the old bastard had completely upset his plans. But although Geebee was absolutely terrified, he knew he’d come too far to stop now and that he’d just have to disarm that burglar alarm system. Geebee suddenly felt icy cold, for he was absolutely sure that something awful was going to happen and he felt so panic-stricken that he just wanted to flee from that ghastly place. But he knew he couldn’t, that he had no choice but to pass by the open door of the living room to get to the burglar alarm system beside the front door. However, he also knew that if Dudley awoke and saw him, he’d probably use both barrels of the shotgun on his lap to blow him away in a hail of blood, guts and brains.
Once again Geebee glanced into the sitting room and saw that Dudley was still fast asleep. So he crept forward on tiptoes and, as he went past by the open sitting room door, he could hear Dudley still snoring gently. Dudley suddenly snuffled and shifted in his chair, which startled Geebee and filled him full of terror. However, he was at least now past the open door of the living room. But the worrying thing was that he could no longer hear Dudley snoring. Maybe Dudley had woken up and become aware of the fact that someone was out in the hallway! Geebee thought he heard a floorboard creaking and was sure it was Dudley creeping over to the door on tiptoes, with his shotgun ready to blow him to bits. But then Dudley started snoring again and Geebee knew he was all right – for another wee while at least.
He quietly typed the code number which was written on the wall into the control panel to disarm the burglar alarm system. Because of the age of the burglar system, he didn’t fully understand how it worked and so he immediately covered the unit with the thick sound-proofing material that he had brought with him to completely muffle the subsequent beeping sound. It worked like a dream! Then it was back into the hallway and over to the open living room door, where he hesitated. He could smell the stink off Dudley and felt so revolted, he wanted to vomit. But he managed to fight off the waves of nausea and, as quick as a flash, he was past the open door and away, as fast as he could go, down the stairs into the basement, where he unlocked the basement door and let John in. Geebee was so relieved to see him!
John was also extremely glad when Geebee opened the basement door, because it had been so cold hanging around outside in the dark. It was then immediately down to work, carrying gold ingots and bags of diamonds out of the basement. The original idea had been to carry the ingots up the steps from the basement and load them into the van. But this proved to be too tiring and so, after a short while, they decided it would be better to throw everything up onto the grass verge border up above the moat and then load it all into the back of the van later.
It was a long and extremely exhausting job, but by three o’clock they had at last got all the gold and diamonds outside the house and up on to the grass verge above the moat. John then helped Geebee close the secret panel in the library and pack the books back onto the bookshelves. Then John left the house and Geebee locked the basement door behind him, before putting the light bulbs back into their sockets in the basement passage.
It was now time for the part of the operation that Geebee had been dreading the most - re-arming the burglar alarm system and getting out of the house. When he’d been planning this whole operation, it had initially crossed Geebee’s mind not to bother with resetting the alarm system or re-locking the basement door. But because he knew that if Dudley and Oscar found the alarm system disarmed and the basement door unlocked, they would inevitably want to know who had been in the house and why. Then, after putting two and two together, they would be bound to link Geebee and Zeenia with the break-in. Because Dudley was such a ruthless man, Oscar would no doubt be despatched to ask them both a few pertinent questions. Now it wasn’t that Geebee was too concerned about himself, because he knew he could vanish back to Ireland if need be, but he was terrified in case Oscar would get a hold of Zeenia and torture the truth out of her. So he had eventually come to the conclusion that it was essential that they covered all their tracks as far as possible. So Geebee once again had to make the agonising journey back upstairs.
When he reached the open living room door, he was relieved to hear the old man still snoring. So he glanced into the room. There he was, sitting in the armchair. But then Dudley suddenly stopped snoring and stirred. Geebee almost cried out in terror. He had this instant vision of the blaze from both barrels of the shotgun a split second before the pellets tore him to shreds. But the old man just settled back into his armchair and started snoring again.
Geebee was exhausted and dripping with sweat. As he edged past the open door, he felt on the verge of blind panic. But he managed to retain control. He went to the front door. Then after re-arming the burglar alarm system, he once again immediately covered the unit with the thick sound-proofing material to muffle the subsequent short beeping sounds. Whereas this tactic had worked perfectly before, he obviously had not applied it properly the second time, because he heard a few beeps quite clearly, which really startled him. He froze in terror, for he was sure that Dudley must have heard the beeps too. But there was no reaction from the living room and it really seemed as if Dudley had not heard a thing. Geebee crept back along the hall and past the living room door. But as he glanced into the room, he saw to his horror that the armchair was empty. He wondered frantically where Dudley was. He heard the TV being switched off. That’s when Geebee really started to move, as fast and as silently as he could go, towards the main staircase and then up the stairs.
But then the hall light went on. Geebee almost screamed. He was still only half-way up the stairs and quite a few strides away from relative safety. Ah, to be so near, but yet so far away! One false move now and he would be cut down in a hail of lead. Geebee froze before looking round, fearing the worst, convinced that he was now living the last few seconds of his life. And it crossed his mind that it was such a cold and dreary place to die and he wondered if he’d hear the shotgun blast before he died.
Although Dudley had woken up suddenly, he’d obviously not realised what it was that had disturbed his drunken slumber and, as a result, it hadn’t crossed his mind for one second that there might be an intruder in the house. So incredibly, when he had emerged from the sitting room, he hadn’t looked around him and instead, he shuffled off down the hallway to put the shotgun back in the umbrella stand. That’s when Geebee took off and disappeared silently up the remaining stairs. He was out of sight in a flash and quickly made his way to the unused guest room. Once inside, he quietly closed the door and then put his ear to it. He could hear Dudley dragging himself wearily along the main hallway, up the stairs and along the corridor to his bedroom.
Because they were so far behind schedule, Geebee didn’t wait for Dudley to go to bed and fall asleep. Instead he quietly opened one of the two big windows and climbed out on to the stone balcony. He quietly closed the window behind him. He didn’t care about the catch being left undone, because he thought that it was very unlikely that it would ever be noticed and even if it was, he was sure it probably wouldn’t arouse any suspicion. He then went over to the ladder that John had placed against the stone balcony and scrambled over the edge of the balcony. Within a few seconds, he was clambering down the ladder and on the way down, he was terrified that the old man might hear him and that he would suddenly appear at a window, firing at him with that ugly black revolver in his hand. But everything went smoothly and he reached the ground safely.
It was so nice to be on the ground. Geebee felt ecstatic to be alive and to have safely completed the worst part of the whole mission. He really felt like cheering and shouting because not only was he alive and safe, but they had now more less succeeded and it wouldn’t be long until they’d be away from that ghastly place. But then Geebee froze. A car was heading up the drive towards the house. Although it was still only four o’clock in the morning, it was obviously Oscar returning home early. Geebee’s mind went blank with fear, for he was sure that this was probably the moment when his horrific premonition was going to come true and that very soon, he was going to die a horrible, slow, agonising death. Ah, the mixture of emotions! One moment frightened almost to death, the next as happy and relieved as ever any man could be and the next to be frightened almost to death again, all in such a short space of time.
Geebee and John immediately hit the ground as the lights from Oscar’s headlights swept over the lawns as his car went round the side of the house to the garages at the back. When it had disappeared, Geebee and John ran as quickly as they could over to the basement steps. Although it was still quite dark, they could just about see the bags of diamonds and the gold ingots and they were terrified in case Oscar would see them too when he went to go into the house. As they waited there for Oscar to garage his car and come back to the front of the house, the dark shadows and the breeze amongst the trees played such hellish tricks with Geebee’s imagination that several times he was sure he heard Oscar creeping up on them from behind. But their luck was in. When Oscar came round from the back of the house, he used the pathway on the other side of the house and didn’t come anywhere near the basement steps. He then headed for the front steps leading up into the house and went through the front door. He temporarily disarmed the burglar alarm before re-arming it again. Both Geebee and John sighed with relief.
But the nightmare wasn’t yet over; they still had to retrieve the gold and diamonds. They realised that they were going to have to move very quickly because dawn was approaching and it wouldn’t be long until the sun would start to rise. So they quickly recovered their composure and crawled over to where the gold ingots and bags of diamonds were lying. Because the first glimmers of daylight were beginning to appear, they could see the ingots of gold and bags of diamonds lying all around on the grass near the moat and they realised that if they could see them, then so could anyone in the house - if they happened to look out.
Once again terror began to take over. First of all, a light went on in the basement room nearest the basement steps, very near to where the gold ingots and diamonds were lying. It was obviously Oscar arriving back in his bedroom. But the thing that really dismayed Geebee and John was the fact that curtains were open and the light from the window was glinting on some of the gold ingots on the grass verge just above the moat. Geebee and John crawled on their stomachs towards the edge of the moat. When they got near it, they saw Oscar pacing up and down inside the room. Their hearts sank for they knew that if they made any move for the gold and diamonds, Oscar would be bound to see them. It was also clear to them that Oscar would definitely be able to see the gold if he happened to look out of the window when it got a wee bit lighter.
Geebee cursed and beat the ground with his fists. To have endured so much and to have come so far and yet to fail at this very last hurdle. The sun rose a little higher and it became lighter. Still Oscar paced up and down and round and round. Now and then he came over to the window and stared out and upwards, right over the gold and diamonds. But incredibly he didn’t see them. But eventually, when it was quite light and they’d almost given up all hope, Oscar suddenly pulled the curtains and put the light out.
As soon as that light went out, Geebee and John were up on their feet and over to the gold ingots and diamonds. With pounding hearts, they quickly and quietly lifted as many bags of diamonds and gold ingots as they could manage. They then carried them over to the bushes where John had hidden the van and loaded them into the back of it. They repeated this process over and over again and, all the while they were working away, they were terrified that Oscar was going to suddenly appear and attack them. Another worry they had was that as it got lighter and lighter, there were more and more people up and about and walking past the entrance to Dudley’s estate and they were so afraid that they would be spotted by someone, who would get suspicious and ring the police.
But everything went well and at last, all the diamonds and gold ingots were in the back of the van. Geebee then did something that surprised John. He got a small biscuit of gold and placed it in a flowerbed. Geebee knew that some day either Dudley or Oscar would probably notice it and although they would wonder where it came from, they would never find out. The two boys then jumped into the van and John quietly drove it down the drive to the main gate. Once out on the main road, he opened up and away they went to Hampstead and an ultra-secure building he owned. After they had arrived there and had disposed of the van, the gold and the diamonds, they switched to the car that John had previously left there as part of the plan. It was only then, and for the first time in over eighteen hours, that Geebee stopped feeling terrified. It was all over, thank God! They were now both extremely rich young men - and not one other single soul on earth knew anything about it. But although Geebee and John should have been full of joy and elation, they couldn’t relax, because the tension just wouldn’t go away. So instead of going home to bed, they decided instead to head for Parliament Hill Fields, Hampstead Heath, to wander around that lovely place at their leisure and enjoy the panoramic view of London on that beautiful sunny morning.
It had been Geebee’s original intention to get down to the basement by around 8.15 pm. However, Oscar’s late departure from the house at 8.45 pm now meant that Geebee was running behind schedule and that he really would have to get a move on. However, because Dudley had told Geebee that he normally went to bed at around 9.00 pm, Geebee knew he was going to run the risk of bumping into him if he did indeed go to bed at around 9 o’clock. So it was with a pounding heart and nerves stretched to almost breaking point that Geebee opened the door and crept out of the room. He tip-toed along the passage as quietly as he could, until he reached the stairs leading down to the ground floor. It was so cold and dark and there wasn’t a sound in the house apart from the TV blaring away down in the sitting room. He was just about to creep down the stairs to the ground floor, when he suddenly heard a strange choking noise coming from the living room. Although it was only Dudley clearing his throat, it made him jump. Geebee stopped and looked down the stairs towards the door of the living room, which was halfway between the bottom of the stairs and the front door. It was then that he realised to his horror that not only was the living room door lying wide open, but that Dudley was moving around in there. For a few terrifying seconds he even thought that Dudley was on his way out of the room. So he turned to flee. But then Dudley sat down.
Geebee waited for a few minutes to allow Dudley plenty of time to settle down in front of the TV. Although his head was reeling and his ears were buzzing with the stress of it all, Geebee set off again. He managed to creep down to the bottom of the stairs, where he turned sharp right and crept down the passageway to the basement stairs, all the while hoping and praying that the sound of the blaring TV was drowning out all the creaking noises he was making. But he made it okay down into the basement. The first thing he did down there was to take out the light bulbs in the passage. He then went quickly to the external basement door to whisper to John through the letter box that it surely couldn’t be too long now until Dudley went to bed and gave him the opportunity to creep upstairs and disarm the alarm. In reply, John told him that he was going to get the van, move it as quietly as possible up the drive and then hide it out of sight behind some bushes near the old abandoned greenhouse, which was immediately adjacent to the house.
Using a pencil torch, Geebee then went into the library and quietly closed the door behind him. He proceeded over to the bookshelves, where he began to search for the concealed lever. But it was so well hidden that he had to remove more than half the books before he eventually found it. The moment of truth had arrived at last. The secret panel had not been opened fully for quite a long time. So would the mechanism still work, or would it be completely seized up? He pulled the lever and heard a click, which sounded healthy enough. But when he tried to open the secret panel sideways, he found that it was very stiff and only moved a few inches. Geebee turned on his pencil torch and shone the light into the crack that he had managed to open up. There, on the floor, were the tartan rugs concealing the pile of gold ingots and bags of diamonds, just beyond his reach. He turned off the torch and began to very gradually reapply pressure to the secret panel. But it just wouldn’t budge any further. Sweat was pouring off him and his heart seemed to be doing about two hundred beats a minute. But still Geebee couldn’t get the panel to budge. So he put all his strength into it. Then suddenly, crash, bang, wallop, it opened completely. Geebee lost his balance and fell to the floor, knocking over a pile of books in the process. He swore under his breath, totally convinced that the game would be up now. But although he waited anxiously for several minutes, nothing stirred up above. Maybe Dudley was sleeping or was too drunk from Plymouth Gin to hear anything. Geebee hoped so. Over the next hour and a half, he carried the gold ingots and bags of diamonds to the external basement door. It was such an extremely exhausting task that he could really have done with John’s help. But unfortunately he was still outside and would remain there until Geebee got the opportunity to disable the alarm system.
When it got to after midnight, Dudley had still not gone to bed. Furthermore, although the TV was still on, Geebee could tell from the faint sound of snoring that Dudley wasn’t watching it. Geebee was extremely worried. He realised that he was now so far behind schedule that he really had no choice but to go up and disarm the alarm system. So he crept up the stairs and along the hall. When he eventually reached the open living room door, Dudley was still snoring. Geebee took a chance and glanced into the room. There was Dudley, sleeping in a sagging armchair, a double barrelled shotgun on his lap, with his bony white fingers curled around both barrels. Geebee quickly stepped back out of sight, feeling sick with fear. He remembered what John had said about Dudley having made so many enemies in his life and how there were lots of people who would like to get him. So Geebee could understsand why Dudley would feel the need to have the shotgun so near to hand when Oscar was not around. But chillingly, he knew that Dudley was such a vicious, ruthless man that he wouldn’t hesitate to use that gun, if need be.
Geebee was completely flummoxed; the old bastard had completely upset his plans. But although Geebee was absolutely terrified, he knew he’d come too far to stop now and that he’d just have to disarm that burglar alarm system. Geebee suddenly felt icy cold, for he was absolutely sure that something awful was going to happen and he felt so panic-stricken that he just wanted to flee from that ghastly place. But he knew he couldn’t, that he had no choice but to pass by the open door of the living room to get to the burglar alarm system beside the front door. However, he also knew that if Dudley awoke and saw him, he’d probably use both barrels of the shotgun on his lap to blow him away in a hail of blood, guts and brains.
Once again Geebee glanced into the sitting room and saw that Dudley was still fast asleep. So he crept forward on tiptoes and, as he went past by the open sitting room door, he could hear Dudley still snoring gently. Dudley suddenly snuffled and shifted in his chair, which startled Geebee and filled him full of terror. However, he was at least now past the open door of the living room. But the worrying thing was that he could no longer hear Dudley snoring. Maybe Dudley had woken up and become aware of the fact that someone was out in the hallway! Geebee thought he heard a floorboard creaking and was sure it was Dudley creeping over to the door on tiptoes, with his shotgun ready to blow him to bits. But then Dudley started snoring again and Geebee knew he was all right – for another wee while at least.
He quietly typed the code number which was written on the wall into the control panel to disarm the burglar alarm system. Because of the age of the burglar system, he didn’t fully understand how it worked and so he immediately covered the unit with the thick sound-proofing material that he had brought with him to completely muffle the subsequent beeping sound. It worked like a dream! Then it was back into the hallway and over to the open living room door, where he hesitated. He could smell the stink off Dudley and felt so revolted, he wanted to vomit. But he managed to fight off the waves of nausea and, as quick as a flash, he was past the open door and away, as fast as he could go, down the stairs into the basement, where he unlocked the basement door and let John in. Geebee was so relieved to see him!
John was also extremely glad when Geebee opened the basement door, because it had been so cold hanging around outside in the dark. It was then immediately down to work, carrying gold ingots and bags of diamonds out of the basement. The original idea had been to carry the ingots up the steps from the basement and load them into the van. But this proved to be too tiring and so, after a short while, they decided it would be better to throw everything up onto the grass verge border up above the moat and then load it all into the back of the van later.
It was a long and extremely exhausting job, but by three o’clock they had at last got all the gold and diamonds outside the house and up on to the grass verge above the moat. John then helped Geebee close the secret panel in the library and pack the books back onto the bookshelves. Then John left the house and Geebee locked the basement door behind him, before putting the light bulbs back into their sockets in the basement passage.
It was now time for the part of the operation that Geebee had been dreading the most - re-arming the burglar alarm system and getting out of the house. When he’d been planning this whole operation, it had initially crossed Geebee’s mind not to bother with resetting the alarm system or re-locking the basement door. But because he knew that if Dudley and Oscar found the alarm system disarmed and the basement door unlocked, they would inevitably want to know who had been in the house and why. Then, after putting two and two together, they would be bound to link Geebee and Zeenia with the break-in. Because Dudley was such a ruthless man, Oscar would no doubt be despatched to ask them both a few pertinent questions. Now it wasn’t that Geebee was too concerned about himself, because he knew he could vanish back to Ireland if need be, but he was terrified in case Oscar would get a hold of Zeenia and torture the truth out of her. So he had eventually come to the conclusion that it was essential that they covered all their tracks as far as possible. So Geebee once again had to make the agonising journey back upstairs.
When he reached the open living room door, he was relieved to hear the old man still snoring. So he glanced into the room. There he was, sitting in the armchair. But then Dudley suddenly stopped snoring and stirred. Geebee almost cried out in terror. He had this instant vision of the blaze from both barrels of the shotgun a split second before the pellets tore him to shreds. But the old man just settled back into his armchair and started snoring again.
Geebee was exhausted and dripping with sweat. As he edged past the open door, he felt on the verge of blind panic. But he managed to retain control. He went to the front door. Then after re-arming the burglar alarm system, he once again immediately covered the unit with the thick sound-proofing material to muffle the subsequent short beeping sounds. Whereas this tactic had worked perfectly before, he obviously had not applied it properly the second time, because he heard a few beeps quite clearly, which really startled him. He froze in terror, for he was sure that Dudley must have heard the beeps too. But there was no reaction from the living room and it really seemed as if Dudley had not heard a thing. Geebee crept back along the hall and past the living room door. But as he glanced into the room, he saw to his horror that the armchair was empty. He wondered frantically where Dudley was. He heard the TV being switched off. That’s when Geebee really started to move, as fast and as silently as he could go, towards the main staircase and then up the stairs.
But then the hall light went on. Geebee almost screamed. He was still only half-way up the stairs and quite a few strides away from relative safety. Ah, to be so near, but yet so far away! One false move now and he would be cut down in a hail of lead. Geebee froze before looking round, fearing the worst, convinced that he was now living the last few seconds of his life. And it crossed his mind that it was such a cold and dreary place to die and he wondered if he’d hear the shotgun blast before he died.
Although Dudley had woken up suddenly, he’d obviously not realised what it was that had disturbed his drunken slumber and, as a result, it hadn’t crossed his mind for one second that there might be an intruder in the house. So incredibly, when he had emerged from the sitting room, he hadn’t looked around him and instead, he shuffled off down the hallway to put the shotgun back in the umbrella stand. That’s when Geebee took off and disappeared silently up the remaining stairs. He was out of sight in a flash and quickly made his way to the unused guest room. Once inside, he quietly closed the door and then put his ear to it. He could hear Dudley dragging himself wearily along the main hallway, up the stairs and along the corridor to his bedroom.
Because they were so far behind schedule, Geebee didn’t wait for Dudley to go to bed and fall asleep. Instead he quietly opened one of the two big windows and climbed out on to the stone balcony. He quietly closed the window behind him. He didn’t care about the catch being left undone, because he thought that it was very unlikely that it would ever be noticed and even if it was, he was sure it probably wouldn’t arouse any suspicion. He then went over to the ladder that John had placed against the stone balcony and scrambled over the edge of the balcony. Within a few seconds, he was clambering down the ladder and on the way down, he was terrified that the old man might hear him and that he would suddenly appear at a window, firing at him with that ugly black revolver in his hand. But everything went smoothly and he reached the ground safely.
It was so nice to be on the ground. Geebee felt ecstatic to be alive and to have safely completed the worst part of the whole mission. He really felt like cheering and shouting because not only was he alive and safe, but they had now more less succeeded and it wouldn’t be long until they’d be away from that ghastly place. But then Geebee froze. A car was heading up the drive towards the house. Although it was still only four o’clock in the morning, it was obviously Oscar returning home early. Geebee’s mind went blank with fear, for he was sure that this was probably the moment when his horrific premonition was going to come true and that very soon, he was going to die a horrible, slow, agonising death. Ah, the mixture of emotions! One moment frightened almost to death, the next as happy and relieved as ever any man could be and the next to be frightened almost to death again, all in such a short space of time.
Geebee and John immediately hit the ground as the lights from Oscar’s headlights swept over the lawns as his car went round the side of the house to the garages at the back. When it had disappeared, Geebee and John ran as quickly as they could over to the basement steps. Although it was still quite dark, they could just about see the bags of diamonds and the gold ingots and they were terrified in case Oscar would see them too when he went to go into the house. As they waited there for Oscar to garage his car and come back to the front of the house, the dark shadows and the breeze amongst the trees played such hellish tricks with Geebee’s imagination that several times he was sure he heard Oscar creeping up on them from behind. But their luck was in. When Oscar came round from the back of the house, he used the pathway on the other side of the house and didn’t come anywhere near the basement steps. He then headed for the front steps leading up into the house and went through the front door. He temporarily disarmed the burglar alarm before re-arming it again. Both Geebee and John sighed with relief.
But the nightmare wasn’t yet over; they still had to retrieve the gold and diamonds. They realised that they were going to have to move very quickly because dawn was approaching and it wouldn’t be long until the sun would start to rise. So they quickly recovered their composure and crawled over to where the gold ingots and bags of diamonds were lying. Because the first glimmers of daylight were beginning to appear, they could see the ingots of gold and bags of diamonds lying all around on the grass near the moat and they realised that if they could see them, then so could anyone in the house - if they happened to look out.
Once again terror began to take over. First of all, a light went on in the basement room nearest the basement steps, very near to where the gold ingots and diamonds were lying. It was obviously Oscar arriving back in his bedroom. But the thing that really dismayed Geebee and John was the fact that curtains were open and the light from the window was glinting on some of the gold ingots on the grass verge just above the moat. Geebee and John crawled on their stomachs towards the edge of the moat. When they got near it, they saw Oscar pacing up and down inside the room. Their hearts sank for they knew that if they made any move for the gold and diamonds, Oscar would be bound to see them. It was also clear to them that Oscar would definitely be able to see the gold if he happened to look out of the window when it got a wee bit lighter.
Geebee cursed and beat the ground with his fists. To have endured so much and to have come so far and yet to fail at this very last hurdle. The sun rose a little higher and it became lighter. Still Oscar paced up and down and round and round. Now and then he came over to the window and stared out and upwards, right over the gold and diamonds. But incredibly he didn’t see them. But eventually, when it was quite light and they’d almost given up all hope, Oscar suddenly pulled the curtains and put the light out.
As soon as that light went out, Geebee and John were up on their feet and over to the gold ingots and diamonds. With pounding hearts, they quickly and quietly lifted as many bags of diamonds and gold ingots as they could manage. They then carried them over to the bushes where John had hidden the van and loaded them into the back of it. They repeated this process over and over again and, all the while they were working away, they were terrified that Oscar was going to suddenly appear and attack them. Another worry they had was that as it got lighter and lighter, there were more and more people up and about and walking past the entrance to Dudley’s estate and they were so afraid that they would be spotted by someone, who would get suspicious and ring the police.
But everything went well and at last, all the diamonds and gold ingots were in the back of the van. Geebee then did something that surprised John. He got a small biscuit of gold and placed it in a flowerbed. Geebee knew that some day either Dudley or Oscar would probably notice it and although they would wonder where it came from, they would never find out. The two boys then jumped into the van and John quietly drove it down the drive to the main gate. Once out on the main road, he opened up and away they went to Hampstead and an ultra-secure building he owned. After they had arrived there and had disposed of the van, the gold and the diamonds, they switched to the car that John had previously left there as part of the plan. It was only then, and for the first time in over eighteen hours, that Geebee stopped feeling terrified. It was all over, thank God! They were now both extremely rich young men - and not one other single soul on earth knew anything about it. But although Geebee and John should have been full of joy and elation, they couldn’t relax, because the tension just wouldn’t go away. So instead of going home to bed, they decided instead to head for Parliament Hill Fields, Hampstead Heath, to wander around that lovely place at their leisure and enjoy the panoramic view of London on that beautiful sunny morning.
Chapter 47
After they eventually came back down to earth a few days later, John announced that he was going down to his country estate because his sister Jane had insisted on arranging a party to celebrate his birthday and he asked Geebee if he would like to accompany him. Geebee of course said yes immediately.
When they arrived at John’s beautiful estate, the whole house was a buzz of frenetic activity, with Jane directing the whole operation. There were people everywhere, erecting marquees out the back, putting up decorations, laying tables, stocking up bars, dusting, sweeping and generally rushing about in a panic. Now although Geebee offered to help, he was politely but firmly told to ‘stay out of the way’. So he went for a long exploratory stroll around the estate.
Later, when he was on his way back and quite near the house, he suddenly froze. There, standing on the veranda in front of the mansion, was Sam. If she had been on her own, he would have been so pleased and excited. But she wasn’t on her own, she was with a man. Geebee knew instinctively that it must be Martin, the man John had told him about. Geebee immediately slipped out of sight behind some bushes and then, after parting some of the foliage with his hand, he studied Sam’s lover at great length. He seemed such an ugly brute and was obviously at least ten years older than her. He was slim and balding, with a little black goatee beard. He was wearing trendy clothes and had a small, trim, sexy bum. But what really got Geebee was that he had his arms around Sam’s neck and was gazing intimately into her eyes. Geebee could see his ugly, cynical looking mouth forming words, which Geebee could not hear, but which he could see were making her smile. A flood of jealousy swept over Geebee. Although he wanted to rush over and tear them apart, he knew he couldn’t. So instead, he turned on his heel and fled before anyone noticed him. As he disappeared round the side of the mansion, he had one last wee look at the couple. He just couldn’t believe that Sam could love such a horrible looking man and let him make love to her night after night.
When Geebee lived round our wee town, he had been so hurt and scarred by the lack of love in his upbringing that he had turned into a disturbed young man full of devils, constantly on the rampage, creating mayhem wherever he went, leaving a never-ending trail of destruction behind him. But when he had met Sam, she’d had such a calming effect on him that all those devils had seemingly been exorcised and he’d developed, almost overnight, into a half-sensible, half-civilised human being. However, that Saturday afternoon, when he saw Sam with her lover Martin, he became so enraged and so full of jealousy that within seconds, all the devils returned and filled him with so much anger, hurt and frustration. But despite all the turmoil and pain in his soul, there remained within him just one wee titter of wit and so, instead of going bonkers, he managed to eventually calm himself down completely. He then went to the recording studio, where he found Matt, who greeted him warmly.
“Oh, I’m glad you called in,” said Matt, “there are a couple of things I want to discuss with you.”
“Right,” said Geebee, “fire ahead.”
“The first thing is a little favour I want off you, if you’re willing?”
“Okay,” replied Geebee, “I’ll do anything you want.”
“Good,” said Matt. “Now you know it’s John’s birthday today …. well, I was wondering if you’d be prepared to play ‘Happy Birthday’ for him on the piano at about 11.00 pm tonight in the ballroom …. I don’t think you’ll have to do any singing as I am sure everyone else will do that for you.” Geebee nodded.
“Okay, that’s fine by me,” he said. “What’s the second thing?”
“You know that song of yours that I recorded and then did some work on …. well, you’ll be pleased to know that I have played it to a few people in the music industry and some of them have expressed an interest in hearing you perform it live some time, along with a few of your other songs …. would you be up for that?”
“Certainly,” replied Geebee excitedly, “that would be great …. when have you got in mind?”
“Soon,” replied Matt, “soon …. now here’s something I’d like you to hear Geebee.” He went over to some really sophisticated looking equipment and pressed a button. The next thing the opening bars of an incredible musical arrangement hit Geebee’s ears. He recognised it immediately as being his own composition. Geebee could hardly believe how fantastic it sounded. But it was when he heard the beautifully clear soulful voice of a woman singing the lyrics of his song so tenderly and with so much feeling that the tears welled up in his eyes.
“That’s absolutely beautiful,” Geebee murmured when the song was over, “you’ve done a tremendous job on it Matt .... but who was that singing? …. she’s got an amazing voice!” Matt smiled at Geebee.
“It’s someone you know,” he replied with a mischievous smile on his face. “Take a guess.” Geebee shook his head, he was totally bemused.
“I can’t think who it might be,” he said. “Tell me.”
“It’s Samantha …. John’s sister Samantha.” Geebee’s mouth dropped open in amazement. “The last time she and Martin were here, I played it to her and she liked it so much she wanted to sing it …. so her and I spent a few hours together working on it here in the recording studio .... and this is the result .... good, isn’t it!”
“Good? It’s absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Geebee, “but it never dawned on me for one moment that she could sing.”
“Oh yes, she loves singing,” said Matt, “in fact, she’s the main reason why John built this recording studio and employed me …. she’s been looking for a song-writing collaborator for a long time …. she really loves songs like this .... her and Martin are due to go to New York for a while tomorrow …. but when they return, I think you, me and her should get together and work on a few more of your songs .... who knows what we could achieve together .... she really is very keen.” It all sounded so lovely, but there was just one wee snag in Geebee’s mind.
“Ummm, that sounds leck a really good idea, Matt,” said Geebee, “but what about Martin? .... he mightn’t be just as keen as her?” Matt looked at him with a puzzled expression on his face.
“Martin? What’s it got to do with him?”
“Well, not only is he her lover, but John told me that they’re normally inseparable, which suggests to me that he’s probably very possessive.” Matt looked at Geebee incredulously for a few moments and then exploded into laughter.
“Martin her lover!” he eventually managed to splutter, “that’s the best one I’ve heard in a long time …. just wait till I tell him.” Geebee was totally confused.
“I don’t understand,” said Geebee, looking perplexed. Matt grinned and hit him on the shoulder.
“Martin’s gay,” he said, “and the only reason they’re normally inseparable is because they’re such really good friends and work on so many projects together.” Beautiful waves of relief swept over Geebee. He felt so happy. This revelation got rid of one wee problem as far as Sam was concerned. However, his sense of joy was only fleeting. After all there were still a couple of hurdles to cross yet. Not only had Sam not shown any interest whatsoever in him as a lover, but there was still the unresolved question of whether she was his half-sister or not, because if she was, that would be the end of a beautiful dream.
On his way back to the house, he bumped into Zeenia and Danny, her Reggae musician lover. Zeenia didn’t hesitate for one second. She rushed up to Geebee, threw her arms around him and kissed him warmly on the cheek. Geebee glanced nervously at Danny, but he didn’t seem to mind one wee bit. They then chatted for a few moments until Danny said he had to go and get ready for his stint with the band later on. As he watched them walk away arm in arm, Geebee smiled to himself when he thought about the incredulous expression Zeenia would have on her face when she received her reward for all that she had done for him. It would make her a wealthy woman, who would be free to do exactly as she pleased, for probably the very first time in her life. Geebee thought that this was the least she deserved.
Geebee went to sit out on the veranda at the front of the mansion and sip some lovely red wine, as he watched the sun go down.
After they eventually came back down to earth a few days later, John announced that he was going down to his country estate because his sister Jane had insisted on arranging a party to celebrate his birthday and he asked Geebee if he would like to accompany him. Geebee of course said yes immediately.
When they arrived at John’s beautiful estate, the whole house was a buzz of frenetic activity, with Jane directing the whole operation. There were people everywhere, erecting marquees out the back, putting up decorations, laying tables, stocking up bars, dusting, sweeping and generally rushing about in a panic. Now although Geebee offered to help, he was politely but firmly told to ‘stay out of the way’. So he went for a long exploratory stroll around the estate.
Later, when he was on his way back and quite near the house, he suddenly froze. There, standing on the veranda in front of the mansion, was Sam. If she had been on her own, he would have been so pleased and excited. But she wasn’t on her own, she was with a man. Geebee knew instinctively that it must be Martin, the man John had told him about. Geebee immediately slipped out of sight behind some bushes and then, after parting some of the foliage with his hand, he studied Sam’s lover at great length. He seemed such an ugly brute and was obviously at least ten years older than her. He was slim and balding, with a little black goatee beard. He was wearing trendy clothes and had a small, trim, sexy bum. But what really got Geebee was that he had his arms around Sam’s neck and was gazing intimately into her eyes. Geebee could see his ugly, cynical looking mouth forming words, which Geebee could not hear, but which he could see were making her smile. A flood of jealousy swept over Geebee. Although he wanted to rush over and tear them apart, he knew he couldn’t. So instead, he turned on his heel and fled before anyone noticed him. As he disappeared round the side of the mansion, he had one last wee look at the couple. He just couldn’t believe that Sam could love such a horrible looking man and let him make love to her night after night.
When Geebee lived round our wee town, he had been so hurt and scarred by the lack of love in his upbringing that he had turned into a disturbed young man full of devils, constantly on the rampage, creating mayhem wherever he went, leaving a never-ending trail of destruction behind him. But when he had met Sam, she’d had such a calming effect on him that all those devils had seemingly been exorcised and he’d developed, almost overnight, into a half-sensible, half-civilised human being. However, that Saturday afternoon, when he saw Sam with her lover Martin, he became so enraged and so full of jealousy that within seconds, all the devils returned and filled him with so much anger, hurt and frustration. But despite all the turmoil and pain in his soul, there remained within him just one wee titter of wit and so, instead of going bonkers, he managed to eventually calm himself down completely. He then went to the recording studio, where he found Matt, who greeted him warmly.
“Oh, I’m glad you called in,” said Matt, “there are a couple of things I want to discuss with you.”
“Right,” said Geebee, “fire ahead.”
“The first thing is a little favour I want off you, if you’re willing?”
“Okay,” replied Geebee, “I’ll do anything you want.”
“Good,” said Matt. “Now you know it’s John’s birthday today …. well, I was wondering if you’d be prepared to play ‘Happy Birthday’ for him on the piano at about 11.00 pm tonight in the ballroom …. I don’t think you’ll have to do any singing as I am sure everyone else will do that for you.” Geebee nodded.
“Okay, that’s fine by me,” he said. “What’s the second thing?”
“You know that song of yours that I recorded and then did some work on …. well, you’ll be pleased to know that I have played it to a few people in the music industry and some of them have expressed an interest in hearing you perform it live some time, along with a few of your other songs …. would you be up for that?”
“Certainly,” replied Geebee excitedly, “that would be great …. when have you got in mind?”
“Soon,” replied Matt, “soon …. now here’s something I’d like you to hear Geebee.” He went over to some really sophisticated looking equipment and pressed a button. The next thing the opening bars of an incredible musical arrangement hit Geebee’s ears. He recognised it immediately as being his own composition. Geebee could hardly believe how fantastic it sounded. But it was when he heard the beautifully clear soulful voice of a woman singing the lyrics of his song so tenderly and with so much feeling that the tears welled up in his eyes.
“That’s absolutely beautiful,” Geebee murmured when the song was over, “you’ve done a tremendous job on it Matt .... but who was that singing? …. she’s got an amazing voice!” Matt smiled at Geebee.
“It’s someone you know,” he replied with a mischievous smile on his face. “Take a guess.” Geebee shook his head, he was totally bemused.
“I can’t think who it might be,” he said. “Tell me.”
“It’s Samantha …. John’s sister Samantha.” Geebee’s mouth dropped open in amazement. “The last time she and Martin were here, I played it to her and she liked it so much she wanted to sing it …. so her and I spent a few hours together working on it here in the recording studio .... and this is the result .... good, isn’t it!”
“Good? It’s absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Geebee, “but it never dawned on me for one moment that she could sing.”
“Oh yes, she loves singing,” said Matt, “in fact, she’s the main reason why John built this recording studio and employed me …. she’s been looking for a song-writing collaborator for a long time …. she really loves songs like this .... her and Martin are due to go to New York for a while tomorrow …. but when they return, I think you, me and her should get together and work on a few more of your songs .... who knows what we could achieve together .... she really is very keen.” It all sounded so lovely, but there was just one wee snag in Geebee’s mind.
“Ummm, that sounds leck a really good idea, Matt,” said Geebee, “but what about Martin? .... he mightn’t be just as keen as her?” Matt looked at him with a puzzled expression on his face.
“Martin? What’s it got to do with him?”
“Well, not only is he her lover, but John told me that they’re normally inseparable, which suggests to me that he’s probably very possessive.” Matt looked at Geebee incredulously for a few moments and then exploded into laughter.
“Martin her lover!” he eventually managed to splutter, “that’s the best one I’ve heard in a long time …. just wait till I tell him.” Geebee was totally confused.
“I don’t understand,” said Geebee, looking perplexed. Matt grinned and hit him on the shoulder.
“Martin’s gay,” he said, “and the only reason they’re normally inseparable is because they’re such really good friends and work on so many projects together.” Beautiful waves of relief swept over Geebee. He felt so happy. This revelation got rid of one wee problem as far as Sam was concerned. However, his sense of joy was only fleeting. After all there were still a couple of hurdles to cross yet. Not only had Sam not shown any interest whatsoever in him as a lover, but there was still the unresolved question of whether she was his half-sister or not, because if she was, that would be the end of a beautiful dream.
On his way back to the house, he bumped into Zeenia and Danny, her Reggae musician lover. Zeenia didn’t hesitate for one second. She rushed up to Geebee, threw her arms around him and kissed him warmly on the cheek. Geebee glanced nervously at Danny, but he didn’t seem to mind one wee bit. They then chatted for a few moments until Danny said he had to go and get ready for his stint with the band later on. As he watched them walk away arm in arm, Geebee smiled to himself when he thought about the incredulous expression Zeenia would have on her face when she received her reward for all that she had done for him. It would make her a wealthy woman, who would be free to do exactly as she pleased, for probably the very first time in her life. Geebee thought that this was the least she deserved.
Geebee went to sit out on the veranda at the front of the mansion and sip some lovely red wine, as he watched the sun go down.
Chapter 48
When it got to around seven o’clock that evening, there was a surge of excitement around the whole house, with people rushing about seeing to the final touches. Geebee decided that it was also time for him to get ready for the party and so he went to his room and got into a lovely hot bath, right up to his neck in soapy suds, with not a care in the world and in a warm haze. Then, when he was scrubbed and rubbed dry, he lay on the bed to rest for just a while. However, he dozed off.
Sometime later, Geebee awoke with a start. He could hear noises outside the house. So he went to the windows and opened a curtain. The square in front of the house was floodlit and full of expensive cars and there was a stream of headlights coming up the drive. Geebee opened the window and heard a helicopter coming in to land out at the back. Geebee freshened up his face with some cold water. When he opened the door of his bedroom to leave, total bedlam greeted his ears as he heard babbling voices, lots of laughing and chattering and loud, loud music coming from the ballroom down below. There were groups of merry people everywhere and he saw familiar faces from TV, the big screen, the music world, politics and the press, along with other faces which Geebee did not recognise, but who he could tell were obviously very rich and successful.
Although Geebee was excited, he felt a wee bit out of things and a little inadequate. After all, he was new to this fabulous new world and he wasn’t all that sure that there’d be many people there who’d be all that interested in talking to the likes of him, an ex-postman from our wee town. But he decided to get himself a drink and wander around to soak up the whole fabulous atmosphere. First of all, he went out of the front door into the cool of the night where, for a few minutes, he enjoyed the sound of car tyres on the gravel and the sight of the moon light rippling across the surface of that lovely silent lake down below. Then he went back inside and into the ballroom, clutching his tumbler of vodka. The exciting rock and roll music was almost deafening and under the flashing lights, people was dancing frenetically to the pounding rhythm.
The next group on stage played soul music, which was beautifully slow and sad and Geebee enjoyed watching the couples dancing by, clinging on to each other in the dim light. The whole atmosphere seemed so close and intimate. Next up was Zeenia’s lover Danny playing reggae with his band, which he enjoyed immensely. But when they completed their set and left, Geebee realised that it was nearly eleven pm and time for him to get up on that stage and play ‘Happy Birthday’ for John.
He noticed Matt coming on to the stage and beckoning him over. He suddenly felt panic-stricken and started hoping and praying that he would not make a mess of it. Although his head was reeling and he felt so shy, he made it up on to the stage and went over to the piano. When he looked round all he could see was a sea of faces gazing up at him. Although he had played in public many times in our wee town when he was younger, it had not been anything like this. His mind went blank and he was on the verge of fleeing from the stage. But then Matt came up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder to re-assure him. However, although the sight of Matt’s kindly smile helped marginally to ease his anxiety, he still felt sick with fear. But then he suddenly noticed Sam coming on to the stage. She was looking absolutely fabulous and so beautiful. As she walked towards him, he started to feel a little confused and wondered why Matt hadn’t mentioned that she was going to lead the singing of ‘Happy Birthday’. She gave him a big smile and he gave her an even bigger one back. All his nerves and self-doubts disappeared in flash and he suddenly felt calm and confident. Matt leant down towards him.
“I’m afraid Sam and I have played a little trick on you Geebee,” he whispered, “we don’t want you to play ‘Happy Birthday’ just yet …. we want you to play your song instead.” Geebee’s mouth dropped open.
“Those influential people in the music industry that I was talking about, they are actually down there in the crowd,” he continued, “and we want them to hear your song tonight …. but because we were afraid you mighn’t agree and bottle it, we played this little trick on you to get you up here.” Sam came round to his side and smiled warmly at him. She then put her arm around his neck and kissed him warmly on the cheek. Incredible emotions instantly surged through him. He smiled back at her and nodded. She kissed him again and then went over to the centre of the stage with Matt, who took the mike and announced to the ground that they were going to witness the debut performance of Sam and Geebee and also hear the first ever rendition in public of a new song written by Geebee. He then handed the mike to Sam, who turned and smiled warmly at Geebee, filling his soul full of love and an incredible energy.
Geebee pressed a few keys on the piano to loosen up his fingers and then he started to play the first few pulsating notes of his fantastic song. When Sam began to sing, her voice was so beautiful and heavenly that it brought tears to Geebee’s eyes. When Geebee and Sam had finished there was rapturous applause and cries for more. So Geebee and Sam improvised and sang a few more well-known numbers, with the whole crowd singing along. It was absolutely tremendous. As for Geebee, it was really hard to believe that this was the same wild ‘hallion’ who’d once created such havoc round our wee town.
Then everyone suddenly started clapping and cheering as a spotlight overhead picked out John, who turned, waved and bowed. Without any hesitation, Geebee started playing ‘Happy Birthday’, with Sam and the whole crowd singing the words. Then everyone cheered as John took a bow.
When Geebee and Sam came down off the stage, lots of people came over to congratulate them and talk to them. Matt was talking intently to several people, who kept looking over at Geebee and Sam and it was quite clear to Geebee that some serious negotiations were going on. Sam suddenly turned to him and gave him another lovely warm kiss on the cheek. He put his arms round her and felt such joy as he held her as close to him as he could manage. He was deeply in love with her and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
When he eventually let her go, she told him that she was going to have to leave the party and return to London with Martin as they were heading for New York the next day. But she suggested that they should meet up with Matt in a few days’ time to discuss their music plans. Although Geebee felt awfully sad to see her go, he was ecstatically happy at the same time. However, he also suddenly felt a terrible pain deep in his soul. If Edward really was his father, then that would make Sam his half-sister - and all his dreams involving her would be over.
But despite his underlying pain, Geebee really enjoyed the rest of the party, which went on all night. There was a great atmosphere and people were laughing, chattering, dancing and having a marvellous time. Later on, Geebee went down to the lake to sit and think about things. Although he could still hear the party, the sounds from it seemed to be muffled, which meant he could also hear nightjars and other strange creatures of the darkness, as he watched the night gradually disappearing and the sun rising. A pale white mist rose over the lake. Creatures of the day started to venture out and the birds created a fantastic early morning orchestra. It was so beautiful.
The music up at the party eventually stopped. Shortly afterwards lots of guests said goodbye and left and everything seemed to settle down. That’s when Geebee washed his face with the morning dew and decided to go back up to the house.
When he got up to the mansion, he wondered if everyone would be in bed and fast asleep. But when he entered the house, he still found people everywhere. Some were of course looking a little worse for the wear, some was dozing and some was just staring blankly into space, their minds in a whirl. But lots were still on the go, chatting and laughing away. On that cool bright morning, Geebee made his way through the small groups of people and up into his bedroom, where he fell into bed, before disappearing into the warm hazy world of sleep.
When it got to around seven o’clock that evening, there was a surge of excitement around the whole house, with people rushing about seeing to the final touches. Geebee decided that it was also time for him to get ready for the party and so he went to his room and got into a lovely hot bath, right up to his neck in soapy suds, with not a care in the world and in a warm haze. Then, when he was scrubbed and rubbed dry, he lay on the bed to rest for just a while. However, he dozed off.
Sometime later, Geebee awoke with a start. He could hear noises outside the house. So he went to the windows and opened a curtain. The square in front of the house was floodlit and full of expensive cars and there was a stream of headlights coming up the drive. Geebee opened the window and heard a helicopter coming in to land out at the back. Geebee freshened up his face with some cold water. When he opened the door of his bedroom to leave, total bedlam greeted his ears as he heard babbling voices, lots of laughing and chattering and loud, loud music coming from the ballroom down below. There were groups of merry people everywhere and he saw familiar faces from TV, the big screen, the music world, politics and the press, along with other faces which Geebee did not recognise, but who he could tell were obviously very rich and successful.
Although Geebee was excited, he felt a wee bit out of things and a little inadequate. After all, he was new to this fabulous new world and he wasn’t all that sure that there’d be many people there who’d be all that interested in talking to the likes of him, an ex-postman from our wee town. But he decided to get himself a drink and wander around to soak up the whole fabulous atmosphere. First of all, he went out of the front door into the cool of the night where, for a few minutes, he enjoyed the sound of car tyres on the gravel and the sight of the moon light rippling across the surface of that lovely silent lake down below. Then he went back inside and into the ballroom, clutching his tumbler of vodka. The exciting rock and roll music was almost deafening and under the flashing lights, people was dancing frenetically to the pounding rhythm.
The next group on stage played soul music, which was beautifully slow and sad and Geebee enjoyed watching the couples dancing by, clinging on to each other in the dim light. The whole atmosphere seemed so close and intimate. Next up was Zeenia’s lover Danny playing reggae with his band, which he enjoyed immensely. But when they completed their set and left, Geebee realised that it was nearly eleven pm and time for him to get up on that stage and play ‘Happy Birthday’ for John.
He noticed Matt coming on to the stage and beckoning him over. He suddenly felt panic-stricken and started hoping and praying that he would not make a mess of it. Although his head was reeling and he felt so shy, he made it up on to the stage and went over to the piano. When he looked round all he could see was a sea of faces gazing up at him. Although he had played in public many times in our wee town when he was younger, it had not been anything like this. His mind went blank and he was on the verge of fleeing from the stage. But then Matt came up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder to re-assure him. However, although the sight of Matt’s kindly smile helped marginally to ease his anxiety, he still felt sick with fear. But then he suddenly noticed Sam coming on to the stage. She was looking absolutely fabulous and so beautiful. As she walked towards him, he started to feel a little confused and wondered why Matt hadn’t mentioned that she was going to lead the singing of ‘Happy Birthday’. She gave him a big smile and he gave her an even bigger one back. All his nerves and self-doubts disappeared in flash and he suddenly felt calm and confident. Matt leant down towards him.
“I’m afraid Sam and I have played a little trick on you Geebee,” he whispered, “we don’t want you to play ‘Happy Birthday’ just yet …. we want you to play your song instead.” Geebee’s mouth dropped open.
“Those influential people in the music industry that I was talking about, they are actually down there in the crowd,” he continued, “and we want them to hear your song tonight …. but because we were afraid you mighn’t agree and bottle it, we played this little trick on you to get you up here.” Sam came round to his side and smiled warmly at him. She then put her arm around his neck and kissed him warmly on the cheek. Incredible emotions instantly surged through him. He smiled back at her and nodded. She kissed him again and then went over to the centre of the stage with Matt, who took the mike and announced to the ground that they were going to witness the debut performance of Sam and Geebee and also hear the first ever rendition in public of a new song written by Geebee. He then handed the mike to Sam, who turned and smiled warmly at Geebee, filling his soul full of love and an incredible energy.
Geebee pressed a few keys on the piano to loosen up his fingers and then he started to play the first few pulsating notes of his fantastic song. When Sam began to sing, her voice was so beautiful and heavenly that it brought tears to Geebee’s eyes. When Geebee and Sam had finished there was rapturous applause and cries for more. So Geebee and Sam improvised and sang a few more well-known numbers, with the whole crowd singing along. It was absolutely tremendous. As for Geebee, it was really hard to believe that this was the same wild ‘hallion’ who’d once created such havoc round our wee town.
Then everyone suddenly started clapping and cheering as a spotlight overhead picked out John, who turned, waved and bowed. Without any hesitation, Geebee started playing ‘Happy Birthday’, with Sam and the whole crowd singing the words. Then everyone cheered as John took a bow.
When Geebee and Sam came down off the stage, lots of people came over to congratulate them and talk to them. Matt was talking intently to several people, who kept looking over at Geebee and Sam and it was quite clear to Geebee that some serious negotiations were going on. Sam suddenly turned to him and gave him another lovely warm kiss on the cheek. He put his arms round her and felt such joy as he held her as close to him as he could manage. He was deeply in love with her and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
When he eventually let her go, she told him that she was going to have to leave the party and return to London with Martin as they were heading for New York the next day. But she suggested that they should meet up with Matt in a few days’ time to discuss their music plans. Although Geebee felt awfully sad to see her go, he was ecstatically happy at the same time. However, he also suddenly felt a terrible pain deep in his soul. If Edward really was his father, then that would make Sam his half-sister - and all his dreams involving her would be over.
But despite his underlying pain, Geebee really enjoyed the rest of the party, which went on all night. There was a great atmosphere and people were laughing, chattering, dancing and having a marvellous time. Later on, Geebee went down to the lake to sit and think about things. Although he could still hear the party, the sounds from it seemed to be muffled, which meant he could also hear nightjars and other strange creatures of the darkness, as he watched the night gradually disappearing and the sun rising. A pale white mist rose over the lake. Creatures of the day started to venture out and the birds created a fantastic early morning orchestra. It was so beautiful.
The music up at the party eventually stopped. Shortly afterwards lots of guests said goodbye and left and everything seemed to settle down. That’s when Geebee washed his face with the morning dew and decided to go back up to the house.
When he got up to the mansion, he wondered if everyone would be in bed and fast asleep. But when he entered the house, he still found people everywhere. Some were of course looking a little worse for the wear, some was dozing and some was just staring blankly into space, their minds in a whirl. But lots were still on the go, chatting and laughing away. On that cool bright morning, Geebee made his way through the small groups of people and up into his bedroom, where he fell into bed, before disappearing into the warm hazy world of sleep.
Chapter 49
By the time Geebee got up late the next morning, nearly all the guests had left and work clearing up after the party was well under way. Geebee went downstairs, had some breakfast and then he made his way down to the little lake to sit and think about things again. It was another beautiful sunny morning and he felt happy and relaxed and totally at peace with the world. He looked back up towards the house and realised how much he had enjoyed singing with Sam at the party the night before and how much he loved being in this new world. He was so glad now that he had fallen out with so many people back home in our wee town and been forced to flee as a result, for if he hadn’t, he probably would never have considered coming over to London to visit John and also see Dudley. The more he thought about it, the more relieved he began to feel that he had fled from the clutches of Grace, because if he hadn’t, he’d probably have ended up marrying her and then he would have spent the rest of his life regretting it. As he was sitting there by that lovely peaceful lake on that beautiful sunny morning, he eventually came to the conclusion that he’d definitely had a very narrow escape indeed. Aye, if he’d stayed round our wee town and married Grace, life would indeed have been desperately dreary and full of despair.
He took a deep breath of the clear morning air and smiled. He had met so many interesting people and he knew he’d meet so many more. He also knew that if he asked John, he would help him find a little niche for himself in this beautiful new world, where he could continue seeing all these lovely people and enjoy this fabulous and exciting way of life. As he sat there alone by the little lake, he began to make more and more plans about the future.
By the time Geebee eventually went back up to the house about two hours later, he’d made lots of decisions about his new future with John and Co in England and when he bumped into John, he told him all about them. John was excited and listened all ears. He promised Geebee that he’d do all he could to help him with his plans. But the first thing Geebee did before anything else was to track down Zeenia and give her a most generous reward for everything she had done. He did not explain to her why he was giving her such a large amount of money and instead, he told her a few wee white lies, because he felt that the less she knew the better. He knew she was afraid of Oscar and Dudley and he did not want her to start worrying unnecessarily. But she was so grateful to receive the money, because it meant that she could now start living her dreams.
A few days later, Geebee decided that it would probably be a good idea tee return home til our wee town for tee see what was what and sort out the mess he’d left behind, for he knew that if he didn’t, then it would only be a matter of time until things would ketch up with him. So he headed home for tee face the music. Bejaysus, did he not turn a few heads when he arrived back in our wee town in a big fancy car, all dolled up and looking very smart indeed!
The first person he spotted was the bowel Herby and, because they was such good owl chums, they greeted each other fierce warmly. They then had a wee chat about this and that and the other and that’s when Geebee got a very pleasant surprise. My goodness, sure the child Gladys was expectin’ wasn’t his at all but Jiggers’s and, furthermore, the two of them was gettin’ wed the follyin’ Saturday. Well, did Geebee not laugh long and heartily when he heard this fantastic news! But he soon quit laughin’ when he heard that poor Toddy had upped and died.
“Aye, it was a heart attack,” said Herby, “must have been all the drinkin’ what caused it.”
“Jaysus, that’s desperate,” said Geebee, genuinely sad, because before the drink had took him over, Toddy had been a right dacent fella and a damned good laugh besides. Aye, Geebee and all the boys had had many’s the good night’s crack down in Toddy’s.
“When did he die?”
“Och, only a week ago.”
“I suppose you and the boys all went til the funeral?” Herby shook his head.
“Naw, none of us went .... och, sure it was rainin’ .... and anyway, there was a damned good football match on TV.” Geebee felt so sad at this here reply, he had tee look away for fear that Herby would see the tear in his eye.
When Geebee left Herby, he went lookin’ for Salty and when he caught up with him, bejaysus but if Salty didn’t make leck he was gonna take Geebee by the throat. But he sorta changed his tune when Geebee waved a big bundle of ten pound notes under his snout and, in next til no time at all, sure they was the best of good chums again. As for Salty’s house, sure the fire had never really took a holt and the damage had in fact been very slight. With regard til Salty’s car, sure he’d got it back the day after Geebee had gone til England.
After seein’ Salty, Geebee then went round til the police station just tee find out if they was perhaps lookin’ for him for anythin’. But sure they sat him down, gave him a cup of tay and asked him all about England and that was that, and as far as Geebee could tell, his file was closed.
Although Maud had been so cruelly deceitful in withholdin’ information about Alice’s whereabouts in London and her cards and letters, he decided that he wouldn’t sink to her level and that he’d go and see her and owl Thomas for tee say hello before he said goodbye and he headed up til their place in the big fancy car. Of course when he arrived there, it was no surprise til Maud, because she’d already heard the news on the grapevine that he was back and that he was lookin’ desperate well and prosperous. But Jaysus, when he came in the doer, he could tell from the snout on her that she wasn’t none too playsed that things had turned out so well for him, because at the bottom of it all, she still thought he was a useless whoer, who was good for neither king nor country. But even so, Geebee tried his best tee be nice til her, although somehow that only seemed tee make her even worse and bejaysus the venom in her started tee really boil, until she could howl it in no longer.
“I suppose yee think you’re a cut above the rest of us now, don’t yee,” she snarled spitefully. “Well let me tell yee somethin’ young man that’ll put the damned uppishness out of yee.” Now although Geebee was lookin’ at her, he wasn’t really listenin’ for he’d heard it all so many times before.
“You don’t know who your father is, do yee?” Geebee suddenly started listenin’ and shook his head from side til side, tryin’ not tee appear too eager in case she changed her mind about tellin’ him.
“Well, it’s that damned priest, Father Eamonn Burns who left here over twenty years ago and went away til Africa for tee hand out bibles til the locials there!” she exclaimed triumphantly, her voice bubblin’ with utter contempt. Geebee’s mouth dropped wide open.
“Aye, I thought that would stop yee in your tracks, you jumpedy up wee bastard, yee!” she exclaimed.
Now Maud’s mentality was such that she thought that this was the worst news that she could possibly have given Geebee and that he’d be instantly totally shattered, humiliated and broken at the realisation that he had fenian blood in him, for round our wee town, tee be a bastard was bad enough, but tee be a fenian bastard was ten times worse. But she couldn’t have been more wrong, for it was the best news she could possibly have given him. He immediately turned on his heel and headed straight back til England, for tee wait for his Sam tee return from Americay and, as he went, he had such hope in his heart, that in time, when they’d be workin’ teegether on his songs, she’d grow tee love him, just as much as he loved her.
So that’s that and there yee are.
Good luck and away with yee all!!
THE END
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